Need parent who is in an NC period with child to PM with for mutual support

[Loujaye]

My BPDD20 has been NC since Christmas for the first time. We have no local support groups that deal with BPD and I really need someone to share experiences with and mutual support. I am trying to move on with my life but need someone to "talk" to when the pain creeps in.  My new marriage is suffering because of chaos and damage done by her so my therapist has advised me not to discuss with H any more than necessary. She wants me to put that aside and focus on repairing my marriage. But I just feel very alone, like there's no one I can talk to because as we all know, we are the only ones who know what it's like to walk in our shoes. So I'm just looking for someone in similar situation to be a "buddy". Have read the books, most of the info and threads here and they're extremely helpful but I'd love to find someone to chat 1:1. If anyone is interested please private message me. Thanks so much. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, LouJaye & welcome to the Parenting a Son or Daughter with BPD Board  

You will find many parents on this Board who are dealing with exactly what you are, and the stresses No Contact with a child can put on a spousal relationship are very painful. I'm very sorry that you are going through all of this; so many of us here on this Board can certainly commiserate with you, and share our support and insights with you... .

Have you checked out the links to the right-hand side of this page? The one important thing I've found that has helped me through my own bouts in the past of No Contact with my (actually non-BPD) son and his (whom I believe is undiagnosed BPD) Daughter-In-Law, is that I spend that time reading and learning the tools & techniques on this site. The links you will find on this page are a bit different here and there than the ones on the other Main Boards, and are specifically geared to parents of BPD children.

Since you are having to deal with her imposition of No Contact for now, does that include email or snail mail? I ask this, because several of us on this site--including me--have benefitted from using this "letter" from Valerie Porr's "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder" book. It's found on page 331, and she calls it an "Acceptance-Acknowledgement Declaration":

I never knew how much pain you were in. I never knew how much you suffered. I must have said and done so many things to hurt you because I did not understand or acknowledge your pain. I am so sorry. It was never my intention to cause you pain. What can we do now to improve our relationship?

I've actually sent this exact letter in an email, with my Daughter-In-Law's name here and there, with some specific S.E.T. mentions of a few of her grievances before the statement. I didn't go into all of them, but pinpointed the ones that I knew were at the crux of her angst. Then I acknowledged how she felt about each matter, told her that if I looked at it the way she did--or if I thought someone was doing that to me--I would feel the same way that she did. And then I mentioned the truth of the situation, not using the words "but" or "however" (which can be tricky; I had to be inventive   ).

The first time I sent this type of email with this statement above (in bold here), it was to both my son and my D-I-L because he was supporting her No Contact and threats of not letting us see their child once he was born. After that 1st email, my son came around and began communicating with us again, in a very good way. A few months later, I sent the above statement (exactly as written, with her name here and there to personalize it), with S.E.T. for her grievances. At that time, she softened and even became warm with us, and things have been very good ever since. Can you let us know more about how things are going, and what you were thinking of doing about it? We'd love to help you 

[pessim-optimist]

Oh, LouJaye... .  

I know how you feel, and let me tell you one thing: you can't simply "move on with your life" after losing a child... . It doesn't matter if it's losing them to mental illness, NC, temporary NC, or death... . The pain is devastating. People who haven't been through that don't understand your grief, because your daughter is alive... .

But, there is some good news to this: while you can't just 'get over it' and move on and forget about it all, you CAN find ways to cope, and it does get easier with time.

One way to cope is what you are already doing - sharing here. It's ok to be sad, and it's ok to grieve. We are here for you LouJaye 

It is too bad that there are no local support groups focused on BPD. How about your local NAMI (National Association for Mental Illness)? Some people have even found good support in Al-Anon... .

You say that your therapist is saying that your marriage needs repair work because of the chaos. That is understandable. This is your first year being married and the first year is usually a very vulnerable time for the couple. If you can successfully re-solidify your bond, he may become your best supporter down the road... .

Although I have a question: how has your husband been through all the crises? The reason I ask is this - I am in his position, so to speak (I am the wife of a husband who's daughter is BPD). The chaos does wear on our relationship too, and we do need some one-on-one time where we can be ourselves apart from the problems. At the same time, my expectations for the relationship have always included the possible troubles from his past, and I was ready to carry the burden with him. I did not hold a fantasy of having a past-free romance. Do you think your husband is just worn out by the trouble, or did he never want to be part of the original family?

In any case, I also wanted to tell you that though there are no guarantees, I would not worry too much after several months of NC. Even though it feels so painful and even final, it often IS temporary. There IS hope, Loujaye. 

[Joey2008]

Loujaye, it must be so hard to be in a new marriage and to have to cope with all this, as well. My husband and I have been married for 30 years, and we still have to do check-ins with each other to make sure we're OK and to make sure that we don't start taking it out on each other. Are you absolutely sure that there are so support groups or classes near you? Have you checked with NAMI (www.nami.org/)? I live about 70 miles from the closest major city, and I just found out that NAMI offers support and classes nearby, about 25 miles away.  Also, Family Connections has online "classes" (www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com/family-connections/). Scroll down to Family TeleConnections. Good luck. I hope things get better.

[Loujaye]

Thank you, Pessimist-optimist and Rapt reader and Joey for your insight and thoughts. My husband has been wonderful to my BPDD, treating her like she was his own. He has no children of his own and has been such a great father to mine even tho they're virtually grown. My BPPD has very little feelings towards her bio dad as he lives across the country and she doesn't remember her childhood with him so she reveled in the love my h showed her. His feelings now after everything blew up this winter are feelings of hurt which progressed to anger and betrayal. He also blames her illness for creating the distance and difficulties we are having in our relationship. This come primarily because he loves me and hates seeing what her illness has done to me and, like all of us, often has difficulty separating the person from the illness. His feelings of betrayal over the bf that we brought into our home and cared for for over a year are total betrayal and anger and he wants nothing to do with him. D has controlled our lives for several years and I was so enmeshed in all her crises over time without even realizing it. All I knew was I would do anything within my power to help her find joy in her life rather than the pain I witnessed on a daily basis. He is supportive but became overwhelmed by the continual drama that was our life and got to a point that he just couldn't take it anymore. The 2 were planning on going out on their own with our blessing and support but, suddenly things changed and they left saying we had kicked them out. So the NC began.

I have gone to a NAMI meeting but they tend to deal more with depression and schizophrenia and this is a completely different animal. I did go to a family DBT support group in Phila which is about 100 miles from me which I would love to be able to attend on a regular basis but it takes too much out of mme physically as I have fibro, chronic migraines and chronic fatigue.

So, I'm pretty much on my own and finding this board has been such a help.  The therapist I consulted with in Phila who is a DBT specialist recommended what you had mentioned. Sending a car or writing a message. I have no phone or address and have been I friended on FB but I have written once or twice in a private message. I have gotten scathing replies to one in which I said, Haopy Easter and another where I expressed my hurt at not hearing from her on Mothers Day. I know it was wrong of me but I was just in so much pain. I don't know if I should try to write again using that wonderful paragraph from Valerie Porr's book or adhere to her demand for no contact. Her feeling is that I'm the one that's sick. She's fine and doesn't want to hear from me til I'm better and happy! So I walk the fine line of not contacting and risk her feeling abandoned or writing and being accused of breaking the boundary she set.

So that's where I am. I'm trying to save my marriage and myself because that's all I have any control over. I just miss her so much. Thanks to all of you for answering and being there. And to think I thought the worst was behind us!

[mom2bpd]

  Nice to meet u.  I'm not in NC with my daughter because she will reply to texts or emails briefly.  However, I haven't seen her or my GD nor had a conversation with her by phone even for 3 months.  When we invite them over, they have a million excuses or say they are not ready.  They had a big blowup with us and tried to attack me verbally in a public place and they are not ready yet?  Anyway, I'm reading Valerie Porr's book, and only about a third of the way into the book.  I have a question for Rapt Reader though about the I'm so sorry statement.  If I send her a statement like this how do I know that she won't say, "yeah, I knew it was mom's fault all along so now she's finally admitting it!".  This is what I fear because, as we all know, BPDs love to blame someone else and never themselves for all their problems.  My BPDD is no exception to that and she acts resentful toward me when it should be the other way around.

I don't mean to hijack this thread, but this question has been on my mind a lot lately.  Maybe Valerie's book will answer that question for me.  I do want a relationship with my BPDD and GD, but I don't want to give, give, give anymore financially and emotionally to be told later that I haven't done anything and/or enough.

Thanks... any and all advice is welcome.

[Rapt Reader]

Anyway, I'm reading Valerie Porr's book, and only about a third of the way into the book.  I have a question for Rapt Reader though about the I'm so sorry statement.  If I send her a statement like this how do I know that she won't say, "yeah, I knew it was mom's fault all along so now she's finally admitting it!".  This is what I fear because, as we all know, BPDs love to blame someone else and never themselves for all their problems.  My BPDD is no exception to that and she acts resentful toward me when it should be the other way around.

Hi, mom2BPD... . I'm sorry it's taken so long for me to respond to this question. What I've found when I've used this statement is that the responses were actually one of my loved one being disarmed by my admissions and humbleness. I included the statement within an email addressing other issues we were having (using S.E.T. to navigate those touchy issues), and summing it all up with that statement. The last sentence, saying that "What can we do now to improve our relationship?" set the stage for my loved ones to suggest things we could do... .

I don't know your daughter, of course, and maybe after reading more of Valerie Porr's book you will feel more confident with how to do this, but as long as you are humble and trying to see things from her point of view, and offering this olive branch for peace, it could work to help your situation. The thing is, you never know for sure how it will turn out; in my own situation with my D-I-L I had to send this letter twice (about 4 months apart, I think), each time within an email using S.E.T. for 2 different sets of 3 grievances she had. I hoped it would "work" the first time, and then wasn't expecting it to "work" the second time. And the second time was the charm 

It's a matter of hanging in there, being understanding, detaching from the accusations enough to get to the bottom of them, and reacting without personalizing our loved ones anger--and not JADEing (don't Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain yourself). And sometimes it takes time for this to help things change... .

I have gotten scathing replies to one in which I said, Haopy Easter and another where I expressed my hurt at not hearing from her on Mothers Day. I know it was wrong of me but I was just in so much pain. I don't know if I should try to write again using that wonderful paragraph from Valerie Porr's book or adhere to her demand for no contact. Her feeling is that I'm the one that's sick. She's fine and doesn't want to hear from me til I'm better and happy! So I walk the fine line of not contacting and risk her feeling abandoned or writing and being accused of breaking the boundary she set.

I'm sorry that happened to you, Loyjaye    And, don't send a letter/email like that until you are ready... . One thing about that "boundary" she set about you not contacting her: My D-I-L had also, in the last email she sent me before I sent the (2nd) one with Valerie Porr's statement in it, told me we couldn't settle our problems by email or phone. Not that she suggested No Conact (so that is different than your daughter's request), but she was pretty adamant that our "problems" couldn't be settled any way other than in person.

I was ready to abide by that request and wait till we saw them again (however unsure I was of seeing them any time soon), but instead decided to try just one more time by email, sending the one I keep talking about. And for some magical reason, the door opened to the light I'd been hoping for! Maybe she was just ready for it without knowing it? Maybe the S.E.T. for all her grievances and the Acceptance-Acknowledgement Declaration combo touched her heartstrings? Who knows... . but I was prepared to accept it if it didn't help, and was ready to start a new relationship with her if it did. Who really ever knows when the time is right for reconciliation? We just have to try... .

[Loujaye]

RaptReader, I actually did use that statement you posted from Valerie Porr's book and my BPDD responded within 5 minutes and said she would like to see me! I didn't know what kind of reaction I was going to get but I decided to take the chance. I couldn't be hurt much more than I already am so I figured, why not? She told me she was glad I finally was beginning to understand how she felt about what I supposedly did. We met for about 1 1/2 hours that same day and really just caught up. She was very guarded and I didn't bring up any hot topics. She will always blame me for things that never happened and feel the victim, but I just have to learn to accept this new person is my daughter. The sweet, vulnerable, compassionate person I knew is gone. I haven't heard from her since and don't anticipate hearing anything until she needs another "fix". But at least the ice was broken. Baby steps. My husband had very mixed feelings. He is still very hurt and angry. He loved her like his own and she turned on him and created so much drama and chaos that our less than year old marriage was damaged and we are now trying to rebuild with our first anniversary coming this weekend.

I just got Valerie Porr's book in the mail and will read it a little at a time as I've found if I spend too much tiime focusing on it I become very sad and depressed. I've started to get on with my life which I made sure BPDD realized and I need to keep moving forward and limit my descents into that dark place. So, mom2BPD, I had your same fears and I got lucky and it helped. I knew it could go either way. My other messages had been met with tirades of hate and cruel words. But I needed to try again and it worked. Thank you Rapt Reader.

[Rapt Reader]

Well, LouJaye 

You are the perfect example of what I was trying to explain 

You done good, and try to remember to keep that attitude in your head in future communications; I've found that once I softened my heart to my D-I-L, I understood her better (even during stressful times), and I stopped always interpreting her words and behaviors in the worst way.

I tried really hard to always interpret things in the "most benign way possible", realizing that there really isn't "any one or any absolute truth", that "everyone in the family is doing the best they can in this moment" and "everyone needs to try harder." Once I made that my mantra, I learned to live it, and things have gone much smoother for all of us. If the Mom is the heart of the family, then when she is the best she can be, the rest of the family is better, too 

[cbcrna1]

I have been NC with my BPDD 36 for on and off for 5 years now.  The grief is real.  There is a post Idealization to Devaluation that explained the process for me.  It made sense.  Truthfully I don't think it can be anyway but NC for my daughter and I.  BPD tears my life apart if I let it, and my daughter is triggered by any type of boundary on my part. I hope for the future.