New and need advice

[Tjjdk]

Hi I'm asking for help regarding my undiagnosed mil who I believe to have BPD among other mental health problems.

She has recently accused her second husband of physically assault and sexual battery. He is currently in jail awaiting trial. There was no evidence of the sexual battery charge so the DA dropped that charge but mil sent DA letters stating he has abused her with deviant sexual behavior through out there 22 yr marriage.  So DA added that charge back.

Over the course of their marriage she told us how amazing he was. No evidence of deviant behavior. However I did multiple times witness her emasculate, demean, and what I would consider emotionally abuse him. With nothing but patience and tolerance from him.

She also has been adding more outrageous details and accusations with each re telling of the story. So long story short I don't believe her. This along with stories my sil has recently told me regarding my mil make me want to have no contact with her and me and my children.

My husband does not see his mom clearly and thinks she's on her death bed. She told us, but no other family, three years ago that she only has a year to live. So he wants her final days to be happy and thinks I am being cruel to want to cut her out.

I truly believe that she is dangerous to our family. I fear she will come after me and my children. We have had multiple falling outs and arguments through the years. She has also critiqued my parenting to my sil. 

So I'm wanting advice one two things.

1. How do I protect myself and my kids from her abuse if my husband disagrees with me? Do I have the right to keep my kids from her?

2. I am contemplating sending mil husbands lawyer an email stating I believe she has BPD and she should have a psych evaluation or lie detector test to help his case. I don't think he should go down for her mental illness. Should I do this or stay out of it completely?

Thank you in advance!

[Kwamina]

Hi Tjjdk ,

The situation you describe is quite difficult. You want advice on two things, concerning the first one I would say you definitely have the right to keep your kids from her if you believe she's a danger to your family. This will undoubtedly lead to problems between you and your husband but if you are truly convinced that your MIL is dangerous, it's only logical that you would do whatever you can to protect your children's well being.

You say your husband doesn't see his mom clearly because of her illness. Do you believe that your MIL really has this serious illness and that she really doesn't have much time to live? Do you feel like it's just that your husband wants to be there for his sick mother or also that he doesn't acknowledge her BPD behavior at all?

The second thing you want advice on is a little complex. I'm not sure what the best course of action would be regarding the situation with your MIL's second husband. I understand why you would want to get involved but this could also be like walking into a warzone yourself. Does your husband believe the allegations his mother has made against her second husband?

[Tjjdk]

Thanks for your reply.

He doesn't see her clearly about the extent of her BPD affects everything she does. She lies about most things. Shes constantly observing and analyzing people in her life. Setting up tests to see if they love her or will support her. I'm sure your familiar with all the behaviors.

Me and his sister have told him about lies we caught her in but he thinks we need to suck it up and make her last days happy. I asked what if she lives 20 more years? Could you live being abused for 20 more years? Is that what you want for our kids? I got no answer from him.

She has MS and type 2 diabetes. She makes it seem like she can't do anything on her own even get out of bed some days. and used to require her husband to wake her each day and give her meds. She is obviously doing this all on her own now despite her efforts to get my husband out there to help her. We live 1500 miles apart. She also drove her self  almost 900 miles to see her other son at Easter.

So no I do not believe she is anywhere near as sick as she wants us to think.

I have decided not to contact the lawyer. That might cause more trouble than I want or need right now. If they ask me anything though, I will be honest. My husband doesn't believe she is lying about her allegations. I think she was in a fit and abusing him and he fought back for once.

She must have caught wind we(I) were thinking of going NC. Because we just got a long winded email about how sorry she is for all her mistakes and past abuses, how guilty she feels and how much she loves us.

So now I'm torn about going NC because its against my husbands wishes and she did sound sincere in her email. Such an emotional roller coaster. I have witnessed emotional abuse to my kids and his sister witnessed her emotionally and physically abuse (scratch arm grab) her kids. We only see her every few years. So maybe I could just say kids can't be alone with her. I don't know I hate this and wish it would all end and NC would do that right?