New Girlfriend in the Picture - limits?

[thinkingthinking]

exBPDh has a new girlfriend.  We've been divorced 9 months, and during that time he has had an OWI and been with a couple of other women.  Because his license is suspended, he wants to pick up our 12yo daughter with this new girlfriend that he has been with for 2 or 3 months.  Our daughter has been dealing with a lot of anxiety (to the point where she is seeing a counselor and starting on low dose antidepressant), and with his instability I feel like it is unfair to introduce this girlfriend into her life because it is convenient for him for rides.  She has dealt with non-stop change for the last 2 years.

I asked for an agreement that each of us wait 6 months into a relationship to introduce our daugher to anyone we are dating.  It just seems like in the overall scheme of things this would be a reasonable thing to do in her interest. Our older kids can make the decision for themselves.  The reaction that I received from this request was loaded.  I was told that a 12 year old can make those kinds of decisions themselves, that he really thinks this relationship is going to work, that she is the nicest woman ever, etc.   

It started to make me question myself and think that my request was unreasonable, but I also feel like I already have no help with yet another difficult situation. 

What is reasonable? 

[refusetosuccumb]

I'm sorry, what a tough spot to be in!

My ex got himself a girlfriend last year during our first separation.  He introduced her as his "roommate" but my kids aren't stupid and his gf had "something to prove" so she sure didn't act like just a roommate.  All I could do was document via email to both of them my wishes, but they weren't really enforceable. 

Do you have a legal advisor to give you some advice?  I'd be interested in knowing the legalities.  I'm sorry he isn't seeing the bigger picture for his children and is focusing only on his convenience.

[Nope]

There really isn't anything you can do about this legally except document it. That way if at some point in the future you need to go to court you can have a list of the short term relationships he has been exposing the kids to.

If it was my kid I would have a conversation with her about her feelings about her father's dating habits. Being as neutral as possible can really help in these situations.  If you aren't upset she may feel less like she needs to be upset.

My step kids watch their BPD mom go through men like she goes through toilet paper. There is nothing we can do about that. But the kids seem to have acknowledged that people around there mom are only going to stay for as long as they are going to stay and they don't get too invested or attached. When they are here they know that things are always going to be the same and feel safer in their connections. It's one of the great things we can offer that their other parent can't.

[ennie]

Oh, this stuff us so challenging.  In our case, BPD mom also has horrible double standards.  She also has lots of partners, who meet the kids in the first 2 weeks of dating, and then are asked to call the new boyfriend "family."

On the other hand, I knew the kids before DH an I ever dated (as it is a small town), and DH and I wanted to be sure that I got along with the kids before we got serious.  So a few months in, we scheduled "running into each other" at a lunch spot by "accident" and having lunch together so that we could feel this out.  Unfortunately, long before we planned to tell the kids or even include the kids in any of our time together, BPD mom told the kids we were dating and flipped out about it to them.  So much for our careful strategy!  We still moved very slowly, and DH did a great job of talking with them a lot about it along the way.  It was clear to them that he cared about how they felt, that they were his first priority.   We still went slow--our first "overnight" was a camping trip so it seemed less strange, and we had been together a year before spending the night in the same home, and then the first was at my house and a fun camp-out adventure after THEY asked for more time with me.  We moved in together very slowly, and did not marry until it was totally clear that it was solid and working.  As a result, I have a very strong relationship with both SDs and that sure is important, because of all the alienation from mom. 

The reality is that BPD people do not do things in a well-tempered, self-regulated way with the needs of all parties in mind.  The more we tried to impact her behavior, the more she rebelled and insisted that new boyfriend #27 was just like "family."

I think the best solution is just to model a less rash approach, and like the others have suggested, maintain an open, non-judgmental dialogue with the kids so you can help them process their feelings about the intense change and so that if something unsafe is happening, you know about it.  I think if you handle dating differently, they will understand the difference between having a new person forced upon them, and having your feelings not matter. 

A final suggestion: What if you communicate to your ex that you really appreciate his efforts to make sure that he does his share of the transportation while he does not have a license, but that you are happy to do all of the driving until he gets the license back and that he can choose how he wants to include his new GF in visits rather than needing her to be included all the time, as both he and the kids probably both want some alone time with him as well as opportunities to get to know the special person in his life.  Just a thought.