Ex Still Trying To Contact Me. Now Says She Has My Stuff.

[FindPeace]

Abusive ex w/ BPD and I broke up two years ago. Still really dealing with a lot of the psychological fallout of a lot of the awful stuff she said during the time we were together, as well as the life repercussions. I've maintained N/C the whole time. This is not hard, as I have grown to hate this person for some of the things that she did. The anger and hate's unhealthy, I know, but one step at a time. Anyway, I have her email etc blocked and on the rare occasion that something slips through (she emails me sometimes, used to try to call until I blocked her phone number too) I don't respond.  

I recently saw an email message from her in my trash that had been auto filtered. I did not read it (I never read them) but the first sentence of the email automatically showed. She was pretending to be confused and said she missed me. I don't believe it and know this is just manipulation, and honestly even if she does miss me, I don't give a damn. She's poison.

Today a mutual friend relayed a message to me from her saying she has some of my stuff and do I want it. As much as I have been irritated by losing some sentimental/useful things when we broke up, I'm assuming that the best thing to do is tell my friend that I don't want to talk to her, don't want my stuff, and that he shouldn't let her make him play messenger again  (he said he doesn't want to play messenger.)  Because N/C means N/C and I assume she will use this as a way to try and get damaging words or gestures or actions into my psyche.

What have you folks done when faced with this? I'm not immune to my desire to have my stuff back. It's angering me that she still has anything, that I could have back objects that I miss, but that I would have to interact with her in some way. But I think I'm most likely going to choose to make this as strict N/C as possible and not even let her drop anything off at a mutual friend's place, not relay messages or anything. I guess I'm just looking for support, the knowledge that someone else knows how frustrating this sort of thing is, and maybe advice in case I choose to make a potentially questionable decision and try and get my junk back through a friend or something.

(Edit) And I just realized I'm looking for insight. What is her motive? She must be up to something. She couldn't possibly just want to do a kind thing and return my junk after two years. I'm assuming she is just using it as a tactic to get me to break N/C?

I'm all shaky and feeling irrationally wigged out. I wish I'd never met this woman.

[FindPeace]

I'm so overwhelmed with the urge right now to break N/C for the first time and meet her and get my stuff back and tell her off. I never got to tell her off. I know this is such a bad idea. I can barely see straight right now, I'm so freaking triggered.

[arjay]

I'm so overwhelmed with the urge right now to break N/C for the first time and meet her and get my stuff back and tell her off. I never got to tell her off. I know this is such a bad idea. I can barely see straight right now, I'm so freaking triggered.

Greetings.  Yes the old "triggers".  I had them; we all had them and some still do a long time afterwards.  I would probably be feeling the same if I had second hand correspondence that she had some of my stuff.  It has been seven years for me too.

In the end I believe it is about "what is our sanity worth", versus "stuff".  My guess is even-if you got some of your things back from an intermediary, she may"conveniently forget a few things again".  She is clearly trying to "triangulate", because she knows you are a "fortress" at this point when it comes to any communication.

If the stuff is really important to you and you have someone that can pick it up, maybe that works for you.  Otherwise, if it was me, I wouldn't say a word to your friend or her about the "stuff" (otherwise Triangulation begins) and just keep doing what you have been (NC).  I think you are doing an awesome job.

Peace

[FindPeace]

Arjay - Thanks for what you said here. I got control of myself and shut the whole thing down. I don't need "stuff", I need sanity. I briefly suggested to my friend that he not play messenger, said I'm not bringing him in to this, and said that the answer is "no."

Even a "no" through a friend is contact, sort of, but that one word is all she got (I even kept my words to my friend regarding the whole thing as brief as possible, then changed the subject) and I wasn't sure, without transmitting the one word to her, what else to do, as not responding to her direct messages is one thing, but I didn't want to not respond to my friend. Which I know my ex knows, which is why she did this. I felt like I was between a rock and a hard place. But at least the only response she got from me was a "no" through someone else. I wish I hadn't had to say anything, but she cornered me. I couldn't just ignore my friend.

I wish I could have thought of another way to handle it.

I'm also considering moving to another state at this point. My family is here, but I can easily visit them, and if she hasn't laid off in two years, I doubt she ever will.

Anyway, thanks for reading. I really do appreciate this board.

[arjay]

I wish I could have thought of another way to handle it.

Presented with "Triangulation" in the future, you might find it useful to simply tell your shared friend that "it is a boundary thing - I don't talk about "x"." (rinse and repeat as necessary)

You handled it fine.  Consider it a another mini-victory in your desire to move on with your life.

Peace

[FindPeace]

I wish I could have thought of another way to handle it.

Presented with "Triangulation" in the future, you might find it useful to simply tell your shared friend that "it is a boundary thing - I don't talk about "x"." (rinse and repeat as necessary)

You handled it fine.  Consider it a another mini-victory in your desire to move on with your life.

Peace

Ah. Simple and perfect. Thanks again, that'll be my line in the future. and in the meantime, I'm learning a lot about Triangulation from here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

The Triangulation has been going on for longer than I realized, even when I refuse to discuss her with people. Studying this is going to help me out a lot and remove a lot of stress from my life once I get a handle on it.

[arjay]

I'm learning a lot about Triangulation from here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

The Triangulation has been going on for longer than I realized, even when I refuse to discuss her with people. Studying this is going to help me out a lot and remove a lot of stress from my life once I get a handle on it.

Excellent and that is the point of this wonderful website.  We learn stuff we didn't know and/or realize and come away better.

Peace to you