She´s poison & somehow I love her

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

She got the body, the face, the way she move, the siren eyes and she´s poison, she´s under my skin, she´s in my vains. 

She is false, she´s lying, she´s crawing for attention, cheating and she made me believe in her,

I was her addict but I never played the game with her.

She know that I can see through all of her lies, beneath her skin.

But in simular ways we´re the same, she crawe me,

Im under her skin & to be honest I also was a cheater, a stupid idiot.

In december we broke up, she had the replacement at once, but we keept in contact, she tried to use the silent treatment but we anyway kept contact.

I was never jelous or something, but I had a living hell to get through all of the stuff she left me with (economic & psyche).

She know that I know everything about her & that I dont care.

She even know that she cant play me with her body or sexual attempts, I dont fall soo simple.

I had to survive this afterbounds of the crazy relationship so I started the NC last month, I changed my number, my email... .

the last couple of weeks she´s been mailing me a lot on my old mail.

Today I Answered:

We are not good for each other, try to dispatch yourself from me.

Right away I got more email where she is begging of my new cellphone number and directly wrote a new messege asking if she can come by someday... .

I love her but right now im having "a lot of playmates" and feeling good but somehow, I always compare all of the other girls with my ex.

No one of them has her "fire, love, passion, hate & pulse"

What a heck to do?

I cant be with her but I really love her... .

[hypokondri]

She got the body, the face, the way she move, the siren eyes and she´s poison, she´s under my skin, she´s in my vains. 

She is false, she´s lying, she´s crawing for attention, cheating and she made me believe in her,

I was her addict but I never played the game with her.

She know that I can see through all of her lies, beneath her skin.

But in simular ways we´re the same, she crawe me,

Im under her skin & to be honest I also was a cheater, a stupid idiot.

In december we broke up, she had the replacement at once, but we keept in contact, she tried to use the silent treatment but we anyway kept contact.

I was never jelous or something, but I had a living hell to get through all of the stuff she left me with (economic & psyche).

She know that I know everything about her & that I dont care.

She even know that she cant play me with her body or sexual attempts, I dont fall soo simple.

I had to survive this afterbounds of the crazy relationship so I started the NC last month, I changed my number, my email... .

the last couple of weeks she´s been mailing me a lot on my old mail.

Today I Answered:

We are not good for each other, try to dispatch yourself from me.

Right away I got more email where she is begging of my new cellphone number and directly wrote a new messege asking if she can come by someday... .

I love her but right now im having "a lot of playmates" and feeling good but somehow, I always compare all of the other girls with my ex.

No one of them has her "fire, love, passion, hate & pulse"

What a heck to do?

I cant be with her but I really love her... .

[Artisan]

Please disagree if this perspective doesn't fit ;

It is my opinion that you have not worked through the emotional attachment and core issues that are your own, and are distracting yourself from feeling the pain of the separation and other discomforting emotions resting beneath the surface.

[fromheeltoheal]

The abandonment, the core of her disorder, is kicking in and sounds like she's getting frantic.  

What a heck to do?

If you don't want to be in  a relationship with her and need to protect yourself emotionally so you can detach and heal, do what you need to do to not communicate with her in any way, and eventually she'll stop trying.  

Also good to look at any pleasure or connection you feel when you get communication attempts from her.  And the growth is contained in finding out why "somehow you love her", even in the face of all the unacceptable behaviors.  Some of us, myself included, confuse the longing for a 'love' that is elusive from real love, and get addicted to that buzz, to our own peril when the person we're addicted to has a personality disorder.  Fertile field for growth there.  Take care of you!

[hypokondri]

not worked through the emotional attachment and core issues that are your own, and are distracting yourself from feeling the pain of the separation and other discomforting emotions resting beneath the surface.

I have core issues and im working with that but I know that I dont like "ordinary girlfriends" and thats my own issues... .

Been in many relations,

some with girls not diagnosed BD, but for me, its no fun at all... .

I need the drama, the fire but I cant live like that, its killing me.

As I wrote, I love the girl but I have to survive,

dont know how to do this...

Some of us, myself included, confuse the longing for a 'love' that is elusive from real love, and get addicted to that buzz, to our own peril when the person we're addicted to has a personality disorder.  Fertile field for growth there.

I was there and I thought for a while that my love for her wasnt real and I was instead trying to "rescue" her from herself.

Today I dont know for sure,

it has nothing to do with sex, body, her look,

its much more,

I have had a lot of sexual affairs, dates and all of that the last months,

but nothing is toxic like her...

The taste of her is, I love it & hate it, its an addiction, my demons inside.

but I cant be together with her, she will kill me,

soo damned if you do & damned if you dont...

I have not sent her any answer and I dont know if I will.

Really confused,

do another dance of the macabre with her,

just to go through hell once again or keep NC

I really feel bad, guilt and all of that when Im not giving her my new number cause I really love this girl.

I dream a dream that cant come true,

I can never be with her... . or ?

[seeking balance]

I need the drama, the fire but I cant live like that, its killing me.

As I wrote, I love the girl but I have to survive,

dont know how to do this...

Replace the drama and girl with cocaine or heroin... . no difference really.

It is not going to feel good to let this girl go, but if it truly is killing you - I think you know the answer... . let go, one day at a time.

Peace,

SB