Therapy for the non's?

[mace17]

Have any of you with a BPD partner gone to therapy for yourselves and had it cause problems with your relationship?  I started going to therapy for myself back in January, and I thought it was helping me to understand some things and communicate better, but I had never told my H about it.  A few weeks ago, we had a big blowout, and he told me I should get some counseling for my issues since I was causing all the problems in our relationship.  I admitted that I had been going for the last 6 months, at which point he told me that it was making things worse between us and that I should stop going.  At my next appoitment I told my therapist that I was just basically giving up and I would try to do things his way to keep the peace in my house, and she cautioned me that this strategy would probably not work, but I canceled the rest of my appointments anyway.  So far things have been peaceful at home, I almost think that me becoming stronger and willing to set boundaries and stand up for myself did make things worse. 

Any thoughts or similar experiences?

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[bruceli]

Have any of you with a BPD partner gone to therapy for yourselves and had it cause problems with your relationship?  I started going to therapy for myself back in January, and I thought it was helping me to understand some things and communicate better, but I had never told my H about it.  A few weeks ago, we had a big blowout, and he told me I should get some counseling for my issues since I was causing all the problems in our relationship.  I admitted that I had been going for the last 6 months, at which point he told me that it was making things worse between us and that I should stop going.  At my next appoitment I told my therapist that I was just basically giving up and I would try to do things his way to keep the peace in my house, and she cautioned me that this strategy would probably not work, but I canceled the rest of my appointments anyway.  So far things have been peaceful at home, I almost think that me becoming stronger and willing to set boundaries and stand up for myself did make things worse. 

Any thoughts or similar experiences?

Pretty much in the same place myself right now.  Boundries to them equate to US trying to control them... . That is... . "why have you set up these walls so that I can not easily abuse you now."

[mace17]

Thank you, bruceli - it really does feel that way sometimes.  I just don't know if I should go back to my therapist again ever or not.  My H claimed that me going to her was pushing us father apart, which is kind of funny considering he had just found out about it.

[CarlEToast]

Wife and I go to therapy together.  He dictates a role of non-partisan listener.  About 90% of the sessions are basically her b___ing about everything that is wrong around her, and how everybody has betrayed her.  So essentially, the session is really all about her, but she drags me into the sessions, and calls them "marriage counseling". 

In the long run, I know he is doing good.  He has a way of drawing good decisions out of her raging judgements.  He is very good, but very expensive.

Anyway, I recommend you tell him you need him to come along; make up a good excuse (him being there will help you).

[bruceli]

Wife and I go to therapy together.  He dictates a role of non-partisan listener.  About 90% of the sessions are basically her b___ing about everything that is wrong around her, and how everybody has betrayed her.  So essentially, the session is really all about her, but she drags me into the sessions, and calls them "marriage counseling". 

In the long run, I know he is doing good.  He has a way of drawing good decisions out of her raging judgements.  He is very good, but very expensive.

Anyway, I recommend you tell him you need him to come along; make up a good excuse (him being there will help you).

Was doing MC with my pwPD for about six weeks until it dawned on her that the T was finally catching on that the issue was her and then she EXPLODED at the T never to return.  She is now seeing a T that she states is validating her side but of course I know that that is not true.  How do I know... . I asked her if I may see the T with her to help me undertand her side being that the T has such a good grasp on it so as to help me... . and PD flatly refused to allow this.  Hmmmmm... . let's see... . she is now seeing a person that is seeing her side of the issue that may be able to help us, yet she is reluctant to let me see them in regards to helping us... . . BS meter off the charts here.

[InSearchofMe]

This is not about is counseling for you a good idea or not.  It is about him shoving all of the responsibility for the problems in the relationship on you.  First, he said you need counseling for your issues because you are causing all the problems in the relationship.  Then when he finds out you have been in counseling, it is you being in counseling that is causing the problems.

Unfortunately, when you stopped going at his request, you have validated the invalid and agreed that everything is your fault.  

And, yes, when we start to set boundaries and enforce them (I will not be raged at, I will spend time with people, I will no longer be your emotional vomit receptacle, etc) they dysregulate even more.  But us taking care of ourselves is the only chance we have for things to get better.

I have to agree with your counselor, this strategy will not work.  The peace in your house will be short-lived and you are going to be right back where you started.

[bruceli]

This is not about is counseling for you a good idea or not. It is about him shoving all of the responsibility for the problems in the relationship on you.  First, he said you need counseling for your issues because you are causing all the problems in the relationship.  Then when he finds out you have been in counseling, it is you being in counseling that is causing the problems.

Unfortunately, when you stopped going at his request, you have validated the invalid and agreed that everything is your fault.  

And, yes, when we start to set boundaries and enforce them (I will not be raged at, I will spend time with people, I will no longer be your emotional vomit receptacle, etc) they dysregulate even more.  But us taking care of ourselves is the only chance we have for things to get better.

I have to agree with your counselor, this strategy will not work.  The peace in your house will be short-lived and you are going to be right back where you started.

Sounds as though I am with his identical twin sister.  My pwPD says the exact same thing.  Oh... . and let me add that she states that, "she can not be with me until I take care of this issue."  But she feels that and needs to call me everyday and I guess... . keep me engaged.

[mace17]

This is not about is counseling for you a good idea or not.  It is about him shoving all of the responsibility for the problems in the relationship on you.  First, he said you need counseling for your issues because you are causing all the problems in the relationship.  Then when he finds out you have been in counseling, it is you being in counseling that is causing the problems.

Unfortunately, when you stopped going at his request, you have validated the invalid and agreed that everything is your fault.  

And, yes, when we start to set boundaries and enforce them (I will not be raged at, I will spend time with people, I will no longer be your emotional vomit receptacle, etc) they dysregulate even more.  But us taking care of ourselves is the only chance we have for things to get better.

I have to agree with your counselor, this strategy will not work.  The peace in your house will be short-lived and you are going to be right back where you started.

Thank you, InSearchofMe, this is exactly what I needed to hear!  I have just recently been researching this stuff and I have no idea how or where to start yet, but this board has been incredibly helpful.  All I know is right now there is peace in my house, hopefully it will last long enough for me to gather my thoughts and get to a better place mentally.

[InSearchofMe]

Mace17,

I completely understand needing the short-lived peace in order to give yourself a tiny corner in which you can attempt to regroup.

Remember to be gentle with yourself.  You will not make changes perfectly and at times the changes will be painful.  For me, just realizing the full impact that living with my BPDh has had on me was devastating.  I'm still working on getting back the pieces of me that I sacrificed to the angry volcano god that is BPD.  Some days I do better than others.

Hang in there.

[bpbreakout]

I know it's hard for you as whatever you do with pwBPD something always seems to be wrong.

I agree with insearchofme, you have every right to see a therapist however much H tries to put everything onto you and make you feel guilty. It's entirely up to you whether you tell H or not. Now that you have and he feels uncomfortable I guess he has options.

I'm seeing a T every 4-6 weeks and it's been really good helping me define who I am after years of marriage to BPDw. Sounds trite but my goal for this year is to be myself. I'm much much happier and at ease with myself as a result. That means I'm much more detached from BPDw which in turn means I get less sucked into all the crazy arguments, much less susceptible to the bullying and provocation and a much better Dad for our kids and much more at ease with other people. BPDw doesn't like it and has got us into marriage counselling as a "last ditch" measure . I'm happy to go counselling but also happy to live day to day and more comfortable than ever saying what I think during the sessions and happy to acknowledge that we have different values and different personalities as well as being much more able to validate without endorsing.

I'm doing a couple of sports, an online CBT course and started writing a daily gratitude journal all of which are adding positive things to my life. All of these things are my boundaries as they are my way of saying I'm going to live my life the best way I can and all of them indirectly contribute to me not being dragged down by BPDw's behaviour. If I feel more at ease with myself, it's much easier to walk away from all the abuse.

My BPDw sees a psychiatrist for medication but will not take his advice to get regular counselling / DBT and I'm 90% sure it's because it would mean she would have to ackowldge something is "wrong" with her. I'm the one getting counselling on my own but I don't feel as if it's any kind of ackowledgement that I'm the one with the problems and I feel like it's her loss and not mine.

Because of the kids, I think it's best for the time being if we stay together but I'm much much happier taking one day at a time and if things don't work out then I'll survive.

Good luck  

[montanesa]

Have any of you with a BPD partner gone to therapy for yourselves and had it cause problems with your relationship?  I started going to therapy for myself back in January, and I thought it was helping me to understand some things and communicate better, but I had never told my H about it.  A few weeks ago, we had a big blowout, and he told me I should get some counseling for my issues since I was causing all the problems in our relationship.  I admitted that I had been going for the last 6 months, at which point he told me that it was making things worse between us and that I should stop going.  At my next appoitment I told my therapist that I was just basically giving up and I would try to do things his way to keep the peace in my house, and she cautioned me that this strategy would probably not work, but I canceled the rest of my appointments anyway.  So far things have been peaceful at home, I almost think that me becoming stronger and willing to set boundaries and stand up for myself did make things worse. 

Any thoughts or similar experiences?

To heck with that. Sounds like my dBPDh. If he's not in control, he's not happy. (Despite saying he never controls my decisions.)

I am a firm believer that the caretaker can't take care of anyone unless he or she takes care of him/herself. YOU are important. Your pwBPD told you to get therapy but then backed out of what they said when you told them the truth. Keep taking care of yourself - nobody else does it as well as you do!

[Fanie]

Your BPDh will object that you go for T.

(I think he is scared of the unknown to him )

My advice is that you must go ... .

I say must, because you went in the first place as I believe,

you are in need of it ?

I think T is important for non's,

especially if you feel the need for it !

[mace17]

The only reason I stopped going is because there was a grain of truth to what H said - the stronger I get and the more I understand myself and get my self esteem back, the more conflict it creates between us and I can see that.

[iluminati]

Dumb,  dumb,  dumb,  dumb DUMB!  I patrol the leaving boards these days,  and I  not telling you to leave.  That said,  you cannot be present in the relationship without you cleaning up your side of the street.  Until and unless you deal with your issues,  your relationship is doomed.  I beseech you to return to therapy.  Perhaps you should discuss how your changes are making your partner feel,  but don't give up on yourself.  This is a false peace you are in,  and it will be a matter of time until the next blowup.

[Fanie]

I understand myself and get my self esteem back

Do I need to say anything ?

[iluminati]

My BPDw sees a psychiatrist for medication but will not take his advice to get regular counselling / DBT and I'm 90% sure it's because it would mean she would have to ackowldge something is "wrong" with her. I'm the one getting counselling on my own but I don't feel as if it's any kind of ackowledgement that I'm the one with the problems and I feel like it's her loss and not mine.

I will say this as an addendum.  From my experience, not only will regular counseling mean facing up to something that may be wrong with her, but it will mean confronting the possibility that those near and dear to her didn't have her best interests at heart in the past.  People with BPD believe that the poor experiences in their past are because they are somehow wrong or defective.  Acknowledging that they weren't messed up, but someone they cherished was, can be a difficult road to hoe for them.