Oh. Anger = Emotional Engagement.

[FindPeace]

And here I thought I was doing great at being emotionally disengaged.

I'm resentful about how my ex with BPD messed up my life, and I'm upset with myself for letting it happen, and I'm mad at my friends and ex-friends for embracing her after the breakup. I'm angry every single day and I've been angry every single day for at least a year and a half: therefore I'm still emotionally engaging in the toxicity, even though I'm not in contact with her.

This whole healing process sure is an onion full of layers, isn't it?

[woodsposse]

And here I thought I was doing great at being emotionally disengaged.

I'm resentful about how my ex with BPD messed up my life, and I'm upset with myself for letting it happen, and I'm mad at my friends and ex-friends for embracing her after the breakup. I'm angry every single day and I've been angry every single day for at least a year and a half: therefore I'm still emotionally engaging in the toxicity, even though I'm not in contact with her.

This whole healing process sure is an onion full of layers, isn't it?

Yes, my friend.  Yes it is.

And it takes time.  No one will deny that - and the amount of time it takes isn't set.  It's a process, not a switch.

Have you maybe spent a little of your time and energy to focus on yourself versus how your friends (ex-friends, or whomever else) embraced her after the breakup?

I know it is uber rough to have to come to acceptance of all of those dynamics - but it is possible.  Maybe doing some inner reflecting on what is in you to keep you there (or kept you there) could be a good place to look. 

For me, it was that childhood trauma being ripped open and re-exposed and made raw which hurt so bad. 

So it eventually made sense for me to see if I could wrap my arms around what that trauma was and soothe it.  I know it wouldn't change anything which happened in the past - nor would it bring back my life with my ex... . but it gave me a sense of peace to finally get that storm under control.

Now every day moving forward away from the breakup is a little easier (hell... . a lot easier to tell you the truth).  Yeah, I still miss her from time to time.  She still pops in my head from time to time - but I'm no longer so viscerally angry over it to have it interfere with my life moving forward.

I've come to accept the change.

[LettingGo14]

And here I thought I was doing great at being emotionally disengaged.

I'm resentful about how my ex with BPD messed up my life, and I'm upset with myself for letting it happen, and I'm mad at my friends and ex-friends for embracing her after the breakup. I'm angry every single day and I've been angry every single day for at least a year and a half: therefore I'm still emotionally engaging in the toxicity, even though I'm not in contact with her.

This whole healing process sure is an onion full of layers, isn't it?

Hello FindPeace.   Yes -- you nailed the metaphor.  It's an onion.   I'm offering some thoughts on anger because it stewed in me for a long time.   I'm not sure if this will be helpful, but wanted to offer an alternative perspective.

Early on, when I came to this community, someone mentioned to me that anger is sometimes considered a "cover emotion" for something deeper, like fear.   I don't know if it resonated with me right away, but as I started leaning into my emotions (rather than repressing, which I did often) -- something clicked.   

The initial anger largely dissipated, although it gave way to some tidal waves of fear, sadness and grief.   Notably, however, anger also came back when I started to think how much of my time & life & energy was spent in a futile FOG.    I took that, however, as a sign that I was ready to reclaim myself.

What are your thoughts on anger as a potential cover emotion?  Does that resonate?  There's also a good discussion of anger, here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=135831.0

Keep posting.  We're here for each other.

[FindPeace]

Have you maybe spent a little of your time and energy to focus on yourself versus how your friends (ex-friends, or whomever else) embraced her after the breakup?

I know it is uber rough to have to come to acceptance of all of those dynamics - but it is possible.  Maybe doing some inner reflecting on what is in you to keep you there (or kept you there) could be a good place to look. 

Some. Not enough. I've learned a lot, don't get me wrong, but I've not gone to the extent of deep diving into self reflection as to why the hell I let all this happen in the first place. My excuse has been "I'm just trying to survive every day post-abusive relationship! I don't have bandwidth for more traumatic revisiting of old pains." Unfortunately, while that's okay for a little while, I've let it go on for too long, and now I recognize that I'm just stuck in an anger cycle. This is all a bit of an epiphany today, and I can see that I've organically moved forward a bit, and it's time to take another big step forward in my recovery process, and that I'm ready to do so. What I know is that I'm  going to see a connection between my entry into an abusive situation and my own childhood difficulties. I'm not looking forward to examining that can of worms as I've been enjoying not being in the situation I was in with my ex where every freaking day was endless processing of drama, but I need to practice better self care at this point and handle my anger issue.

[seeking balance]

My excuse has been "I'm just trying to survive every day post-abusive relationship! I don't have bandwidth for more traumatic revisiting of old pains." Unfortunately, while that's okay for a little while, I've let it go on for too long, and now I recognize that I'm just stuck in an anger cycle. This is all a bit of an epiphany today, and I can see that I've organically moved forward a bit, and it's time to take another big step forward in my recovery process, and that I'm ready to do so. What I know is that I'm  going to see a connection between my entry into an abusive situation and my own childhood difficulties. I'm not looking forward to examining that can of worms as I've been enjoying not being in the situation I was in with my ex where every freaking day was endless processing of drama, but I need to practice better self care at this point and handle my anger issue.

Anger was easy for me - I could stay detached (enough) and was much more productive than when I was totally falling apart.

Eventually, we have to lean into the anger to move on - and we all come to that realization at our own timing.  Anger is a mask for pain, and you are right, you are peeling that onion.

[FindPeace]

Early on, when I came to this community, someone mentioned to me that anger is sometimes considered a "cover emotion" for something deeper, like fear.   I don't know if it resonated with me right away, but as I started leaning into my emotions (rather than repressing, which I did often) -- something clicked.   

The initial anger largely dissipated, although it gave way to some tidal waves of fear, sadness and grief.   Notably, however, anger also came back when I started to think how much of my time & life & energy was spent in a futile FOG.    I took that, however, as a sign that I was ready to reclaim myself.

What are your thoughts on anger as a potential cover emotion?  Does that resonate?  There's also a good discussion of anger, here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=135831.0

Keep posting.  We're here for each other.

I feel like I have cycled deeply through all the other emotions: Denial, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. I've also gone through an exhilarating joy phase, where I was elated to finally be liberated from the daily drama. Now I'm in an anger phase like the one you mentioned where I'm upset at the loss of time and energy. Wasted time. Lost years of my life that I want back and won't get back. There's also definitely repression happening, as is evidenced by the 40 pounds I've gained, developing stress related health problems, and the fact that I drink a lot more than I used to.

Thank you for that link. I hadn't found that page yet. I just read it, and it's a discussion that, as I re-read it and re-read it, is going to be extremely helpful to me as I sit with this new bit self awareness and start working through my anger.

Thanks for taking the time to reply and help me get thinking about this more. I need to pull myself out of this, and I really appreciate this community and the tools and resources available here. Yes - we're here for each other.

[FindPeace]

Anger was easy for me - I could stay detached (enough) and was much more productive than when I was totally falling apart.

Eventually, we have to lean into the anger to move on - and we all come to that realization at our own timing.  Anger is a mask for pain, and you are right, you are peeling that onion.

Yeah. I think my anger was actually healthy for a while. I think it helped me to establish my personal emotional territory and boundaries, if that makes any sense. It's been a useful tool in telling myself that I didn't deserve the abuse and that I have a right to be angry. But I don't need to get angry to prove that I have a right to be angry, if that makes sense. Yeah, clearly I'm working through something here.

It's certainly a symptom of my pain. I need to work through the pain I have about the damage done to my life without constantly engaging with this anger, which is kind of becoming a type of self harm at this rate.

[seeking balance]

It's certainly a symptom of my pain. I need to work through the pain I have about the damage done to my life without constantly engaging with this anger, which is kind of becoming a type of self harm at this rate.

Are you working with a T on this?

[myself]

I feel like I have cycled deeply through all the other emotions: Denial, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. I've also gone through an exhilarating joy phase, where I was elated to finally be liberated from the daily drama. Now I'm in an anger phase like the one you mentioned where I'm upset at the loss of time and energy. Wasted time. Lost years of my life that I want back and won't get back.

I'm not the first to say it, and I've been there too, but it's just wasting more time and more energy to be angry about wasting time and energy in the past. There's nothing to be done about it now. Hanging on to pain is not letting go of it. Anger can remain when we have a hard time with 'it is what it is'. Our new Now. Acceptance can help clear that up. Too much anger is too much. When we substitute anger for the drama we extricated ourselves from, we keep ourselves tied to the past instead of moving freely. Our patterns of 'something is wrong' are hard to let go of. If the anger is covering for feelings of helplessness, facing a situation that we'd really rather not be facing, proving to ourselves that we are capable of changing that goes a long way.

[FindPeace]

Are you working with a T on this?

I'm not. I had a very bad run with a few therapists while I was still in the relationship and was suicidal. They didn't take me seriously. They were unaware of cluster Bs and the impact on their families and S/O's, and ended up making my situation worse. I am now very picky and want to find a T who specializes in this. Unfortunately I haven't found one. Well, and I gave up on looking for one.

Yeah, so I should probably get on that.

[FindPeace]

When we substitute anger for the drama we extricated ourselves from, we keep ourselves tied to the past instead of moving freely.

Oh. Man. I'm glad you said that. This is what's happening. Wow.

[seeking balance]

Yeah, so I should probably get on that.

Well, the right T is going to help you work through that anger... . hon, your ex is likely the tip of that iceberg.

I take it you are not suicidal any longer, thus a new T will likely not be so "concerned" with that and focused on getting to the root of why anger is holding on.

[FindPeace]

Well, the right T is going to help you work through that anger... . hon, your ex is likely the tip of that iceberg.

I take it you are not suicidal any longer, thus a new T will likely not be so "concerned" with that and focused on getting to the root of why anger is holding on.

Definitely not suicidal any longer (it was weird, the therapists that I went to for help with suicidal ideation didn't seem to believe me when I said I was in an abusive relationship and was suicidal. I usually left the sessions feeling worse, so I quit going out of a sense of self preservation. I attributed it to my poor communication skills at the time, and the fact that when people meet me in person, they tend to think I'm as tough as I look. Yes I look tough. No I'm really not as tough as everyone thinks.)  Anyway, bad luck with therapists aside, yeah, I should start seeing one. I've developed some pretty intense trust issues in the past couple years, and that includes therapists, and I need to get over it. I'll just be sure to ask the right questions this time before choosing one.

I wonder about what you said about my ex bring the tip of an anger iceberg. That worries me, and you may be right.

[seeking balance]

First off, there are some bad T's - you should not leave feeling worse, kudos to you for self preserving!

I wonder about what you said about my ex bring the tip of an anger iceberg. That worries me, and you may be right.

Worried, no need to be - you are much stronger than you realize - that anger that you are holding onto is deep, healing that means going deep... . if you were not ready, you wouldn't be posting here and inquiring 

[FindPeace]

... . kudos to you for self preserving!

Thank you! It wasn't easy at the time, to be honest.

Worried, no need to be - you are much stronger than you realize - that anger that you are holding onto is deep, healing that means going deep... . if you were not ready, you wouldn't be posting here and inquiring 

It's interesting to me how anger is a security blanket and feels safe and like a defense. And like something that I'm entitled to, therefore ought to get to keep feeling. Or how I feel like if I'm not angry, she's somehow "won." A big part of me doesn't want to let it go.

You're right, it seems like I'm ready. Thank you.

[seeking balance]

Or how I feel like if I'm not angry, she's somehow "won." A big part of me doesn't want to let it go.

That is honest stuff right there.

My T asked me in a similar thought process, "SB- do you want to be happy or do you want to be right"