She sent me a letter... Do I open it?

[Red Sky]

I know. Bit of a trivial topic. Not deep and meaningful, just looking for advice.

Spent a couple of days wondering why the ex is seemingly off the grid. She was suicidal when I NC'd her two weeks ago and so, I confess, I have checked that she's still posting on Tumblr and so on, because it made me feel better to know she was alive. No plan to contact her, ever.

She stopped posting for a few days, which had me worried; now she is posting about pulling other ladies on nights out which made me go 'HALLELUJAH I CAN STOP WORRYING NOW, she has moved on and I can stop feeling so responsible for her happiness or lack thereof!'

Now I have a letter from her. Do I open it? Do I bin it unopened? I have no desire to get back in touch. I'm not even worried I will lapse on that, I am 100% done with the relationship. No desire to put myself in a negative situation again. So should I just chuck it?

[Arminius]

It's really hard.

Open it and risk being upset, or insulted. Don't, and you'll maybe always wonder.

Could yiu have a trusted friend open it, and prewarn yiu if it's nasty?

[LettingGo14]

Do I open it? Do I bin it unopened? I have no desire to get back in touch. I'm not even worried I will lapse on that, I am 100% done with the relationship. No desire to put myself in a negative situation again. So should I just chuck it?

The mind is a funny instrument, especially when aided and abetted by the heart.  You could take a middle path, and put the letter in a safe & hidden place for later retrieval.  Why?  If you throw it away, your heart & mind may wonder at a later date.   Holding it, but not reading it, gives you some space.

Ultimately, you have a great perspective.  You have reclaimed yourself.   One of the greatest lessons I am learning is that all answers are within me. 

[Red Sky]

Still considering. The thing is that I can basically predict what it will say. I'll be very surprised if it isn't an 'I'm so sorry - I know it's my fault, come back!' letter. I know I'm not going to do that. It might irritate me, because yes, I find her pleading intensely annoying. I'm not sure it will have terrible emotional fallout unless I'm a lot worse at reading the girl than I think I am. (Totally possible.)

It hadn't occurred to me that I could keep it unopened. For some reason, in my horror at receiving it, I had only thought of opening it or throwing it away. Oddly, I feel more peaceful knowing I don't have to do something straight away. thank you.

[AwakenedOne]

 I think you can be the one to best decide what to do on this. Trust your gut instinct whether you feel you should or not read it. I don't think there is any wrong choice.

[seeking balance]

you could flip a coin 

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

This would be tough. I wouldn't know what to in such situation.  Good luck with whatever you decide RedSky.  As AO suggested, you know what is best to do in this case.

[Infared]

I have been thru such hell... . here is what I would do with a letter.

1. I would write "No Thanks!" Across the front of it with a laundry marker.

2. I would then put it in an envelope: unopened.

3. I would address that envelope back to the sender

4. Seal it up, put appropriate postage on it and drop it at the post office!



Nothing like a CLEAR message... . for me and for her.

She is with someone else, why would I accept a letter unless I did not like me?

[LettingGo14]

She is with someone else, why would I accept a letter unless I did not like me?

Hello Infrared.  This is just a thought -- not a challenge.   

I am working -- slowly -- to de-sensitize myself to all things related to my ex-girlfriend.   In this scenario, I think "holding" could work because it neither affirms nor represses anything.   I like me, more and more each day, and I agree that one does not want to indulge trauma.   

But -- I want to lean into emotion -- MY emotion -- and working with these things internally is somehow important to me.  I risk, of course, being triggered.  But, if I hold and hold some more and hold some more -- consciously and with keen awareness -- perhaps the power I granted my ex-girlfriend is reclaimed.

My ex is gone, perhaps like yours, so I don't expect a letter.  But, I think I can reclaim myself if I realize that I own whatever story I tell myself now.   

[Infared]

LettingGo... . that is a good way to handle it as well. We are all different, and circumstances are always different, too.

I guess that I was so very nice for so very long that I was a fool.

I would need to send a very clear message and at the same time empower myself.

If any more mail arrived, I would then just put it in the garbage, or burn it.

I never got any honesty or closure from this person, it would be my own way of making some closure for myself.

[Red Sky]

So. I did the deed and opened it. Because I realized I wasn't going to sleep tonight if I didn't. Curiosity killed the cat and all that... .

As I expected, it was a 'nice' letter. She was never the abusive sort, more the clingy sort, and I never had any inkling that she was lying. She said she accepted that it was her fault that I had NC'd her, accepted that it was her responsibility to control her triggers rather than mine to avoid her triggers, and that she had appreciated the good times with me. She said she would understand whether I replied or not.

So it's bittersweet I think. I am glad that she is coping (ish) and that she doesn't think badly of me. I am going to take the letter at face value because I really didn't see a different side of her throughout the relationship and I don't think any of our mutual friends have seen a different side either.

I will see it as a form of closure. What I want to say to her is that I think she is a good person, but I do not have the capacity to deal with being her friend in the knowledge that I COULD trigger her. That isn't actually her fault. My own skittishness comes largely from dealing with my very abusive uNPDexbf whose suicide threats were literally just threats to make me return. But the fact that it isn't her fault doesn't change the fact that I have enough emotional baggage to shut down an airport.

I'm not going to say it though. I'm going to stay NC and hopefully we can both move on without any nastiness.

Thank you people.

[seeking balance]

What I want to say to her is that I think she is a good person, but I do not have the capacity to deal with being her friend in the knowledge that I COULD trigger her. That isn't actually her fault. My own skittishness comes largely from dealing with my very abusive uNPDexbf whose suicide threats were literally just threats to make me return. But the fact that it isn't her fault doesn't change the fact that I have enough emotional baggage to shut down an airport.

I'm not going to say it though. I'm going to stay NC and hopefully we can both move on without any nastiness.

Thank you people.

Look, NC is a tool to detach - I am all for it, but if you want to say the part I bolded, or a version only about you not having the capacity to be a friend to her - there is nothing wrong with that.

Whether or not you respond is your choice, no right or wrong, but if you do choose to - keep it simple and not triggering - meaning don't talk about her issues or your issues... . a simple thank you can go a long way.

This is all a process, be good to you the next few days as this may be a bit triggering.

Peace,

SB

[Red Sky]

Thank you SB. I might think a few days on whether I want to write a thank you or not. When I NC'd her I wrote her an explanation which said pretty much the same thing, because I didn't want her to think (as she is prone to) that she's a horrible person (simplistic description, but pretty much what it boils down to. She bases her own identity on others' views.)

As for her being with someone else: I'm fine with that because I tried to break up with her almost as soon as we started dating! I saw very soon that her issues were too much for me to handle, but I couldn't detach myself from her as a friend because I was worried about how she would take it. (Horrible person etc.) Aaaaand I kind of didn't escape being her SO. I was just her SO without the romance, and, despite her prior history of always seeking a romantic connection, she didn't date anyone else during our friendship. So for me, seeing that she had moved on, even if it's just enough to make out with a random lassie in a club, was actually a Really Good Thing.

[Red Sky]

Also... . Thanks to everyone on this forum who gave me the confidence and the conviction to leave, to accept that my ex's problems are an issue out with my control, so that I can be at peace with my decision to leave. If it wasn't for this forum, this letter WOULD have had me running back, convinced that I couldn't abandon a good person. I don't think she is manipulative, but the fact is that it doesn't matter. She can have all the inherent virtue in the world but if i can't take care of me it's a moot point since I can't stay. 

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

Also... . Thanks to everyone on this forum who gave me the confidence and the conviction to leave, to accept that my ex's problems are an issue out with my control, so that I can be at peace with my decision to leave. If it wasn't for this forum, this letter WOULD have had me running back, convinced that I couldn't abandon a good person. I don't think she is manipulative, but the fact is that it doesn't matter. She can have all the inherent virtue in the world but if i can't take care of me it's a moot point since I can't stay. 

I am glad you are at that stage RedSky. I bet it hasn't been easy. I can't wait to get to the way you are thinking and the way you are feeling. Takes a lot of discipline and work for sure.

[Red Sky]

The irony is that my head has been in a fairly good place through this relationship. My uNPDexbf took so much out of me that, once I got rid of him, I already had this strong instinct for self-preservation... . call it one blessing. I might have stayed in this relationship for much longer if I wasn't already a little on edge.

[Narellan]

Good work redsky   I think if you've already said what you want to say, no need to break NC to repeat yourself. It could be a recycle attempt in disguise, so best to stick with what you know works. You both know where you stand then. Peace x

[Red Sky]

She sent it recorded delivery - I hadn't clocked this fact because my mum was in and signed for the letter. So she knew it arrived.

The 2am phone calls from an unknown number, with silent voicemail messages, started on the very same night. Creeeeeepy.

Now I feel like a bit of a twit for saying all that 'she's a nice girl' stuff. Stalkery behaviour isn't particularly nice no matter how you look at it. Neither is calling anyone at 2am, ever, for anything short of a life-threatening emergency.

Crumbs. Onwards with the NC.

[bruised]

I was going to say I agree with SB about sending her a neutral reply. UNTIL you mentioned the 2AM phone calls. If you're sure they are from her then maybe best to stay NC. Any chance those calls are from your ex-bf? Or her current gf? I'm constantly amazed at how volatile my ex-friend's emotions are. It's possible your ex-gf sent the letter and 5 minutes later regretted it. Then decided it was a good idea to scare you off by making random calls at weird hours. I would not be surprised at anything my ex-friend said or did. Her life in one endless roller-coaster. She once told me she needed space and wanted to try NC. Literally 2 minutes later she asked me to go over to her house and help her move something!

Anyway, if you do reply to her just thank her for taking responsibility, wish her well and tell her you can't be friends because you trigger her. That way she sees that you're doing it for her own good. That's what I said to my ex-friend.

Sounds like you've fully detached, so there's no risk of being sucked back in. BUT if she's the stalking type, you may just make things worse by replying. Tough call!

[Red Sky]

Ohhh no way am I responding now! Now, I'm freaked out!

The calls started specifically after the letter was signed for. Using the delivery tracking that she used, she would know exactly when it had been delivered. I considered they might be my exbf, for the reason that she and he know each other, and she has tried to get information about me out of him on previous occasions. So I wouldn't be totally surprised if, when she realized that I wasn't going to respond, she turned to him as some kind of substitute for interaction with me.

I don't think she has a current gf, just some flings. But the thing is that even though I broke up with her a long time ago, when she was viewing me as her SO (basically till I NCd her)  she refused to have a romantic or sexual attachment to anyone else, even though I wasn't giving her sex or romance.

I worry because I know that one of my ex-girlfriend's exes called the police on my ex-girlfriend. I don't know the full story. My ex told me that she was falsely accused, that the girl in question was abusive, and I believed her because I've still never had any proof that my ex ever lied. She and I had a lot of friends in the same social circle. Plenty of these people know my ex, and my ex's ex, and stood by my ex through this time, which suggested that my ex wouldn't have managed to maintain those friendships if she was guilty. I suspect I'm going to end up like my ex's ex, though; out of the circle. I am actually desperate to call the girl in question and ask her view. I want to know how scared I should be at this point in time. Or I could ask a mutual friend. But I'm not going to, because I know that I'm poking at the wound and that there is a high chance my ex will find out that I'm asking around and step up her campaign... .

[seeking balance]

Redsky, it may escalate because you have not replied - when someone wants our attention, they do find ways to get it.  Be aware what your boundaries are because if you reply on her timeline because she forces it versus your timeline - you will be reinforcing a negative behavior.

There is no right or wrong answer in how to handle it, but Triangulation someone not at all involved is not wise - don't call the ex girlfriend, leading to more drama that way.

Breathe and stay in your wise mind, not reactionary at this point.

Peace,

SB

[Red Sky]

Thank you. I have maintained NC with all our mutual friends since I cut her off... . I know I need to sit tight and wait it out but it really really helps to have you telling me that too. NC NC NC.

I am so not looking forward to going to the same uni as this girl in September. I am even tempted to try and defer my course for a year, but I'm not willing to actually let her derail my life like that... .

(One other thing she holds over me is the fact that my family don't actually know I'm bisexual. They know she is a friend, but handwritten letters... . Crazy phone calls... . It's getting harder to explain away with a poker face. If she really wanted to burn me, she could quite easily do so, and I don't know if I can trust anything I knew any more. The more I think about her ex calling the police... . I know that I have to settle myself with the fact that I will never know the truth of that one.)

[bruised]

OK, let's assume she is bat___ crazy for a moment.

I think a carefully worded "thank-you" letter that let's her know you are NC for her own good might lessen the chance of her stalking you. As SB said, she wants your attention. She didn't get a response to her letter, so maybe she is making you pay for ignoring her. How long after your mum signed for the letter did the phone calls start?

[Red Sky]

About 8 hours. First one at 2am. I get home from work the normal 6pm-ish time. But she has erratic sleeping patterns and I know it's not that weird for her to be awake at 2am.

At this point I am making every assumption she is bat___ crazy... . Her letter said 'I will understand if you don't contact me after this, I just want to clear some things up' and after years of therapy she is usually self aware of this kind of thing. But I reckon I can't make any assumptions at the moment given she is being erratic in a way I've never seen.

[bruised]

8 Hours huh? In that case I wouldn't respond to her letter. That is crazy.

[Arminius]

I've been thinking about this.

I'd open it ONLY if I knew that whatever it said, I would still not give that person another chance.