substituting addiction

[antjs]

can we be substituting addiction to our exs with addiction to this board ?

i find members here who have been on this board for years. some of them actually are in another new relationships. i do not know if this is normal or not. but i think you can not be in a new relationship if you are still ruminating or not over the old one. is this kind of addiction ?

[Ihope2]

Hi Anthony_James

Maybe if this is all we do, sitting in front of our computer being on this message board.  I think in the crisis times of our BPD relationship, we tend to seek this message board out more, it is a very safe place and offers a lot of healing.  But I think you will find that the general pattern is that as people come to terms with their situation and overcome the crisis, they will tend to phase out being here and eventually they might just check in once in a while.

It is a very personal journey towards finding resolution and healing, and the beauty of this message board is that you can take it totally at your own pace.

[BorisAcusio]

can we be substituting addiction to our exs with addiction to this board ?

i find members here who have been on this board for years. some of them actually are in another new relationships. i do not know if this is normal or not. but i think you can not be in a new relationship if you are still ruminating or not over the old one. is this kind of addiction ?

Putting together the riddles could take years as pwBPD operate on a different level of existence. Truly challanging, both on emotional and intellectual level.

[Red Sky]

This kind of thing can definitely be an addiction! I'm on here because I find it constructive, sure, and it's good to be in touch with other people who have an idea what I'm going through. But I could do that by sitting down for half an hour at night, not checking the forum on every tea break at work. I mean 150 posts in 2 weeks... . That's probably like 15000 words... . Longer than the thesis I've just written... .

Saying that I kind of plan to stick around a bit after I'm recovered. I don't think I will ever be anywhere near the most insightful or knowledgeable person here but getting support when I was panicking meant a lot to me and I would like to give something back to this community if I can.

[Mutt]

can we be substituting addiction to our exs with addiction to this board ?

i find members here who have been on this board for years. some of them actually are in another new relationships. i do not know if this is normal or not. but i think you can not be in a new relationship if you are still ruminating or not over the old one. is this kind of addiction ?

Are you scared that you are going to get stuck antony_james and not detach? Do you have a T? The best combination is working with a T and getting support from this board from members that have walked a mile in your shoes.

If you follow the five stages of detachment banner to the right ----------------------------->

You have nothing to worry about  

[JackBlacknBlue]

Since the non/pwPBD relationship really is an addiction, I feel like we should treat it like that "Hello, my name is JackBlacknBlue and it has been 1012 days since my last contact."  Everyone else:  "Hello JBnB!"  That is to say that we're never fully recovered, just in a healthier state of being for the moment.

The 1012 isn't accurate, BTW.  I have been receiving many texts over last few days.  It is like constantly flowing water wearing away a rock.  If she keeps flowing the nice, normal communications, I fear I will let my resolve be worn away.

[Jb101]

Very interesting observation.

I've actually ruminated on this a little, though with different thoughts on the impact. I'm not so much worried about the impact on a new relationship as on my healing and finally moving on from the pain.

So no, from my position being here has little to do with being unfair to a new partner, though it's early days in me starting dating again. It's about seeking help as long as I need it and the support here has meant a lot. There are very few people who truly understand what it is like unless they have experienced it. I have good friends who still look at me like I'm a freak and ask what was wrong with me that I let it happen... .

I do think that at some point stepping back will coincide with the lessening of the impact. But honestly, it's a serious mind f### mental trauma and I'm not trying to force myself to step away. I've deleted her contact details and know that anything to do with her is bad and that it was very unhealthy. But I'm also aware of how much it has impacted me and reduced my mental strength etc... .

And unfortunately it's now part of my life like any major trauma, so being here and dealing with it is better than walking away from myself and trying to not talk about it.

Hope that makes sense!

[Jb101]

One other thing is I check I a bit and try to give back and share with other peoples posts. It's meant so much to me when others have cared to help me, and I do feel it's important to give back, particularly on some good days when I think I have more positive experience to share with people :-)

[antjs]

can we be substituting addiction to our exs with addiction to this board ?

i find members here who have been on this board for years. some of them actually are in another new relationships. i do not know if this is normal or not. but i think you can not be in a new relationship if you are still ruminating or not over the old one. is this kind of addiction ?

Are you scared that you are going to get stuck antony_james and not detach? Do you have a T? The best combination is working with a T and getting support from this board from members that have walked a mile in your shoes.

If you follow the five stages of detachment banner to the right ----------------------------->

You have nothing to worry about  

mutt i am making an observed progress. i think about her less. even when i do i think i am desensitized it does not impact my emotions as much as before. mornings are better with less and less pain chest and depression. less dreans. i understand the disorder now so well and i have no questions regarding the reasoning of events during the relationship and the break up and how she is now gone with the wind with no signs of life for 3 months (some of them do not attempt to recycle, but this initially made me suspicious about her diagnosis).

i saw a therapist for 8 sessions. he ended it. he said i am ok. no codependency no childhood traumas. he told me that i was strong to end it only after 6 weeks (3 weeks of idealization and a recycle of one week). he diagnosed her with BPD and diagnosed me with ptsd and quarter life crisis. he said i am gonna be ok it just needs its time to heal and he is glad that i am strong on maintaining NC and making progress with my thoughts and feelings.

[antjs]

One other thing is I check I a bit and try to give back and share with other peoples posts. It's meant so much to me when others have cared to help me, and I do feel it's important to give back, particularly on some good days when I think I have more positive experience to share with people :-)

i do this too specially on good days. but for how long ? i do not mean to be rude or selfish and i appreciate people helping me here when i initially sign up for this forum. but the question is for all of us for how long ? every time we get on this board we are reminded of our exes in some way or another. we have to get them out of the wiring of our brains' thoughts by time.

[Samsara121]

[quote author=Jb101 link=topic=227030.msg12445704#msg12445704 date

And unfortunately it's now part of my life like any major trauma, so being here and dealing with it is better than walking away from myself and trying to not talk about it.

Hope that makes sense![/quote]
Thank you for this interesting question.

I asked myself the same question about coming here, sometimes I would feel it was putting me back in contact with my SO and I was a bit over it. I need some period of time where I do not think about it. Then one step back, I brake NC and here I am again, torn again.

So like jb says it's a blessing that this website exists and allow us to get in whenever we feel so. I like this freedom and space, its diversity and freedom of speech.

Now starting to integrate the "radical acceptance" concept and the "no expectation" attitude, I can be more here concentrating on myself.

Reading other members experiences and feelings make me feel less lonely. Feeling the support and understanding of the ambassadors and members, lift me up when I loosing my way.

[Mutt]

can we be substituting addiction to our exs with addiction to this board ?

i find members here who have been on this board for years. some of them actually are in another new relationships. i do not know if this is normal or not. but i think you can not be in a new relationship if you are still ruminating or not over the old one. is this kind of addiction ?

Are you scared that you are going to get stuck antony_james and not detach? Do you have a T? The best combination is working with a T and getting support from this board from members that have walked a mile in your shoes.

If you follow the five stages of detachment banner to the right ----------------------------->

You have nothing to worry about  

mutt i am making an observed progress. i think about her less. even when i do i think i am desensitized it does not impact my emotions as much as before. mornings are better with less and less pain chest and depression. less dreans. i understand the disorder now so well and i have no questions regarding the reasoning of events during the relationship and the break up and how she is now gone with the wind with no signs of life for 3 months (some of them do not attempt to recycle, but this initially made me suspicious about her diagnosis).

i saw a therapist for 8 sessions. he ended it. he said i am ok. no codependency no childhood traumas. he told me that i was strong to end it only after 6 weeks (3 weeks of idealization and a recycle of one week). he diagnosed her with BPD and diagnosed me with ptsd and quarter life crisis. he said i am gonna be ok it just needs its time to heal and he is glad that i am strong on maintaining NC and making progress with my thoughts and feelings.

It's good to hear that you are feeling better 

[seeking balance]

can we be substituting addiction to our exs with addiction to this board ?

i find members here who have been on this board for years. some of them actually are in another new relationships. i do not know if this is normal or not. but i think you can not be in a new relationship if you are still ruminating or not over the old one. is this kind of addiction ?

As someone who has been here on and off for years, my life is quite different than before and I have full freedom - it has taken some time, but it is definitely here.

Early on, this place was a lifeline for my sanity - an addiction, maybe.  I was staff and when I left being staff, I took time away as I need to off the boards a while for my own continued healing.  Logging in daily is sometimes out of habit of being on a computer versus actually "needing" to go to the boards.

I share to help - having a ridiculous amount of knowledge on this disorder and the healing process gives me a sense of giving back - volunteering... . this is one of those healthy ways of building self worth.  The 12 step community also talks about helping others as a way to stay out of addictions.  Filling time with giving versus taking.

Also, my FOO has not changed and I am regularly in contact, so the Leaving Board reminders help me keep things in real perspective and not take things personally.

I have had longer breaks away and some times, I just don't really care about here - but this resource was an invaluable in my life as it has been for many, and it does take volunteers with recovery under their belt to keep it going and keep the FACTS on track, not simply a "venting board".

There are a couple guys on the Legal Board that have been here a lot longer than me and their service is unmatched with the amount of value they have given virtual strangers in terms of legal understanding.  Staff is all volunteer and it takes a lot to keep this going - being here a long time is necessary to keep this thing going - thank goodness people do it.

So, that is my reason for coming around still.

Cheers!

[LettingGo14]

... . every time we get on this board we are reminded of our exes in some way or another. we have to get them out of the wiring of our brains' thoughts by time.

Just thought I'd add 0.02 and another perspective.

Active participation here does not necessarily mean stuck or addicted.  I am rewiring my brain every time I read a fellow member's post, and each time I think of how to craft a reply.   Initially, it was a lifeline for me.  Now it's a community of people helping people.   That, for me, is reason enough to stick around.

[paul16]

I leaned on this board when I was first coming out of the toxic relationship. Mostly because there were others on here that understood how I felt and what I was going through.

As I progressed through the various stages of recovery I felt that I could understand what some of the people posting on here were going through and help.

Seven plus years later I feel more like a recovering addict that lends his experience to others and lets them know how to get through it all. But the knowledge of the feelings is still there. Always will be. So in that way it is like an addiction.

[antjs]

Thanks guys for the reply. I know i sounded like a selfish person who just wants his healing and do not care about fresh members.

Actually if anybody can take some time to look at my posts they can find that i try to reply and help fresh people on the leaving board. It gives me satisfaction to help someone who i know exactly how he or she is feeling cause i was there 3 months ago

It is because of this board i am where i am now near to healing. Without this board maybe i would have returned to the chronic suffering with her or i would not endure the pain and confusion.

My concern is not just for me. It is for all the old members with the red stars. They are who i see myself in months or years. I just want to make sure that u r happy with what u r still doing. And i am now