Dealing with the silent treatment

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am working on setting boundaries with my dxBPDgf.  We split after 3.5 years for three months.  When she came back I told her that there would need to be some firm boundaries that I needed in place for me to continue the relationship

Respect

Honesty

Fair fighting (namely no silent treatment for more than 24 hours.  We don't have to talk but she agreed to text and just simply let me know she is ok and needs more time.

We have been back together since april and she has of course dysregulated numerous times... . but has always managed not to cross those boundaries.

Until this current dysregulation.

She has not spoken to me now for over 36 hours.

So now what?  I actually do not want to end the relationship as we were making much progress and I love her enormously.

She asked for time (didn't just disappear) and I told her to take the time she needs and that I loved her and would be here for her.

I am sure this will blow over and in the meantime I am ok. I am concentrating on me.  But when she comes back how on earth do I address it?

Out of all the behaviors, this is the one I hate the most.  It feels very hurtful to me... . but I know it's part of the disorder as well.

So what I am asking is if there is a way to establish a boundary for the silent treatment? Or is simply something I just need to accept as well?

Thanks!

Amu

[Allmessedup]

I am working on setting boundaries with my dxBPDgf.  We split after 3.5 years for three months.  When she came back I told her that there would need to be some firm boundaries that I needed in place for me to continue the relationship

Respect

Honesty

Fair fighting (namely no silent treatment for more than 24 hours.  We don't have to talk but she agreed to text and just simply let me know she is ok and needs more time.

We have been back together since april and she has of course dysregulated numerous times... . but has always managed not to cross those boundaries.

Until this current dysregulation.

She has not spoken to me now for over 36 hours.

So now what?  I actually do not want to end the relationship as we were making much progress and I love her enormously.

She asked for time (didn't just disappear) and I told her to take the time she needs and that I loved her and would be here for her.

I am sure this will blow over and in the meantime I am ok. I am concentrating on me.  But when she comes back how on earth do I address it?

Out of all the behaviors, this is the one I hate the most.  It feels very hurtful to me... . but I know it's part of the disorder as well.

So what I am asking is if there is a way to establish a boundary for the silent treatment? Or is simply something I just need to accept as well?

Thanks!

Amu

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[Allmessedup]

I have been thinking a lot about boundaries here lately and I was looking for some insight.  I know I am just learning to set boundaries.

I know that boundaries are to protect me.  I am interested in hearing some boundaries others have set if anyone is willing to share?

I don't have any issue with my BPDgf not allowing me to do things for myself.  Or calling/texting incessantly.  My issues are more subtle with her.

We have made a ton of progress but I feel like my boundaries need working on. 

Things that really upset me

Silent treatment

Deciding things about our relationship for me. Instead of discussing them

That if she ever feels she disappoints me there is hell to pay.  Even if she hasn't actually disappointed me

We really have made a ton of progress.  No more rescuing, no more raging, no more always blaming me for everything.  She is beginning to take accountability for her role in things.

Many positive things.   But I am working on me here and I was wondering if anyone had advice on setting boundaries relating to the things above.

Or specific examples

Thanks!

Amu

[bruceli]

I am working on setting boundaries with my dxBPDgf.  We split after 3.5 years for three months.  When she came back I told her that there would need to be some firm boundaries that I needed in place for me to continue the relationship

Respect

Honesty

Fair fighting (namely no silent treatment for more than 24 hours.  We don't have to talk but she agreed to text and just simply let me know she is ok and needs more time.

We have been back together since april and she has of course dysregulated numerous times... . but has always managed not to cross those boundaries.

Until this current dysregulation.

She has not spoken to me now for over 36 hours.

So now what?  I actually do not want to end the relationship as we were making much progress and I love her enormously.

She asked for time (didn't just disappear) and I told her to take the time she needs and that I loved her and would be here for her.

I am sure this will blow over and in the meantime I am ok. I am concentrating on me.  But when she comes back how on earth do I address it?

Out of all the behaviors, this is the one I hate the most.  It feels very hurtful to me... . but I know it's part of the disorder as well.

So what I am asking is if there is a way to establish a boundary for the silent treatment? Or is simply something I just need to accept as well?

Thanks!

Amu

Going through this right now as well, my on going links here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=226989.0

What was the cause ( either real or perceived) of the dysregulation this time?  Do you feel that she is using this time away to actually process or control and punish you?  Have you done research on the silent treatment?  Many state that it is the most insidious form of verbal abuse.

IMO. as this time, 36 hours and going, seems to be longer then that last.  As is common with pwPD's, she seems to be testing the waters to see what she can get away with with you.  Do you feel that this may be a possibility?

These are all questions that I have asked myself in this situation that has helped me "radically accept"  and "detach with love."   

[Allmessedup]

Thank you so much for your reply:)

We have been together for almost 4 years now.  Back in January we had a three month breakup and I honestly thought we were done for good.

Before January she would give me the silent treatment for long periods of time.  It was like I simply did not exist to her.  It was hugely abuse. And there was a whole lot of all the other BPD behaviors as well.

When she wanted to begin talking again in april I explained this to her and how it felt.  She agreed and we established a boundary together that needing time and space was just fine but that she agreed it was important to check in every 24 hours.

I do not think she is punishing me or controlling me.  I think she is in a massive state of fear and self loathing.

The transgression is not valid in my mind.  But to her it is still very real.  She feels like she failed me because I did not know she wanted to be sexual this past weekend.  We were close, she was sick and so of course I didn't think she had the desire to be sexual but that impacted me not at all.    However she sees it as a failure on her part that I did not know this.

I am assuming she thinks I am going to abandon her over this.   And I also am guessing her not upholding our boundary is a way to ensure that I will of course. 

She is playing games but I do not feel intentionally. Rather as her own defense mechanism. 

This all came up on Sunday when we talked after having an exceptionally good weekend together.

She said herself that this is not about me and that she is not upset with me.  To be honest she does much better when she can blame me rather than herself.  I did however invalidate her in my shock by saying she did nothing wrong.  Which of course added to the dysregulation.

Last thing I heard from her was that she was not going to ever be sexual with me or anyone else ever again.  That I could not understand and she has no desire to explain.  That she has no desire to change it.  Then she told me she completely understood if I got pissed and left.

So I know this is all her ___.  And I can understand it even.  I am not all that worked up about it... . doing my own thing and taking care of me.   Its the disorder... . it's not personal.

But she did in fact bust thru a boundary that we set together. So when this all chills out again I was thinking ahead to how to address it.    I do not wish to live in a relationship where the silent treatment is the norm in a fight.  But is that even reasonable for me to have that as a boundary?  And if so... . boundaries must have consequences.  My greatest error lies in not establishing a consequence for breaking that boundary.

We set the boundary very early into our renewing of our relationship.  At that point she had about an inch of leeway, and she knew this.  I believe it was implied at that point the relationship would be over if she did it again.  However it was never spelled out.

So if I simply continue to wait and go about my own life when she comes back how do I handle this part?   I do not want her to think my boundaries are spongy. But yet I am not interested in ending our relationship simply because she despises herself right now either.  I feel that this is a test in many regards.

[bruceli]

Thank you so much for your reply:)

We have been together for almost 4 years now.  Back in January we had a three month breakup and I honestly thought we were done for good.

Before January she would give me the silent treatment for long periods of time.  It was like I simply did not exist to her.  It was hugely abuse. And there was a whole lot of all the other BPD behaviors as well.

When she wanted to begin talking again in april I explained this to her and how it felt.  She agreed and we established a boundary together that needing time and space was just fine but that she agreed it was important to check in every 24 hours.

I do not think she is punishing me or controlling me.  I think she is in a massive state of fear and self loathing.

The transgression is not valid in my mind.  But to her it is still very real.  She feels like she failed me because I did not know she wanted to be sexual this past weekend.  We were close, she was sick and so of course I didn't think she had the desire to be sexual but that impacted me not at all.    However she sees it as a failure on her part that I did not know this.

I am assuming she thinks I am going to abandon her over this.   And I also am guessing her not upholding our boundary is a way to ensure that I will of course. 

She is playing games but I do not feel intentionally. Rather as her own defense mechanism. 

This all came up on Sunday when we talked after having an exceptionally good weekend together.

She said herself that this is not about me and that she is not upset with me.  To be honest she does much better when she can blame me rather than herself.  I did however invalidate her in my shock by saying she did nothing wrong.  Which of course added to the dysregulation.

Last thing I heard from her was that she was not going to ever be sexual with me or anyone else ever again.  That I could not understand and she has no desire to explain.  That she has no desire to change it.  Then she told me she completely understood if I got pissed and left.

So I know this is all her.  And I can understand it even.  I am not all that worked up about it... . doing my own thing and taking care of me.   Its the disorder... . it's not personal.

But she did in fact bust thru a boundary that we set together. So when this all chills out again I was thinking ahead to how to address it.    I do not wish to live in a relationship where the silent treatment is the norm in a fight.  But is that even reasonable for me to have that as a boundary?  And if so... . boundaries must have consequences.  My greatest error lies in not establishing a consequence for breaking that boundary.

We set the boundary very early into our renewing of our relationship.  At that point she had about an inch of leeway, and she knew this.  I believe it was implied at that point the relationship would be over if she did it again.  However it was never spelled out.

So if I simply continue to wait and go about my own life when she comes back how do I handle this part?   I do not want her to think my boundaries are spongy. But yet I am not interested in ending our relationship simply because she despises herself right now either.  I feel that this is a test in many regards.

Well put.  Perhaps someone with more experience with this matter will step in and help us both along.

[arjay]

Greetings.  Yes I worked on boundaries too, because I realize they were often "mushy" at best.

Boundaries are a personal thing, so some we may agree and other maybe not.  Some of mine:

I won't be in a relationship where drugs and alcohol are abused/used

Not paying bills on time or spending more money than which is budgeted

Lending my power tools to anybody

Expecting everyone to clean up after themself

Taking time for myself whether for exercise or other activity that gives back to me

Being in a relationship with anyone that does not take responsibility for their actions

Enabling someone else's behavior

Doing my best a work

Admitting when I am wrong (yes a personal boundary)

Being the recipient of the silent treatment (technically a form of abuse, via withholding).  Speak your mind man... .

Just a few... .

[Allmessedup]

Thank you Arjay!

I share some of your same boundaries for myself.

Taking accountability and apologizing when I am wrong is a huge one for me.

I also take time just for myself

And expect others to have responsibility of themselves.

The silent treatment I despise. And thought I set a boundary there

I expect honesty in a relationship

I expect respect, fair fighting as well.

My question I think more is what consequences can I set if the boundaries get compromised?

I mean if my BPDgf starts screaming I know I can simply walk away. 

But what about the silent treatment?

[Red Sky]

Your question about consequences really interests me, because this is what gets me into trouble. I know my boundaries. But when it comes to enforcing them it is very hard to do, especially when dealing with a PD. My BPDexgf is the perfect example... . When I dumped her, it was because I knew she would run rampant over my boundaries in the future. But she didn't grasp that I did not want a romantic relationship for a further 5 months, no matter how many times I told her. I tried to be her friend but it evidently didn't work despite my setting a boundary in place and sticking to it.

But I can't NC someone every time they overstep a boundary, right? Is the difference that in a normal relationship we'd talk it out and determine if we could continue the relationship, but that it doesn't work with BPD? And where does this leave those who stay with their partners?

My boundaries:

- respect of the things which are important to me. (My academic career, my family, my ridiculous fears of dogs and ants... . ) This doesn't mean you have to agree with me. It doesn't mean that you can't tease me about things, even. But if you treat what is important to me with actual derision, if you shove your disagreement in my face... . No.

- to tell me honestly what it is that they want in life, want from me and want in a relationship. This can be hard to articulate. But if someone has an argument with me, I want to understand why they are arguing with me and see if it is fixable. Or I don't want to find out after a year that some aspect of the relationship has always made your skin crawl.

- admitting to being wrong.

- the ability to compromise.

- wanting to make me happy... . This is part of compromise and not something I would expect to inform their every action, but such a red flag. The partner who literally never has the urge to do something for the reason that it will please you is one to watch out for.

- respecting the time I need to live my life. If I can't work/study/go to the gym without unreasonable numbers of interruptions, I worry.

[seeking balance]

Thank you Arjay!

I share some of your same boundaries for myself.

Taking accountability and apologizing when I am wrong is a huge one for me.

I also take time just for myself

And expect others to have responsibility of themselves.

The silent treatment I despise. And thought I set a boundary there

I expect honesty in a relationship

I expect respect, fair fighting as well.

My question I think more is what consequences can I set if the boundaries get compromised?

I mean if my BPDgf starts screaming I know I can simply walk away. 

But what about the silent treatment?

Hey AMU - good to see you.

I am going to challenge you (you wouldn't expect any less, I know  )

Is the silent treatment a BOUNDARY for you or an annoyance because you are losing control?

Look, your partner has BPD, she works on regulating herself from what you have posted in the past, her silent treatment for HER is what?  Time to rebalance her own emotions or used to torment you?  I am not saying you don't feel tormented, but do you think that is her intent? Have you actively practiced on staying using DEARMAN to discuss this when she is not dysregulated.

So, I am all about boundaries - not trying to get away from this topic - just wondering if this is one of those things you might need to challenge your own thinking in terms of what you can live with.

Best,

SB

[Allmessedup]

Bravo sb!

Insightful as hell as always

That is in essence exactly what I was contemplating myself!

It is annoying as hell, but I do not think that she uses it to torment me to be honest.

We have discussed it actually and she understood quite well at the time.  I think however this time her emotions got well out of control and it simply got forgotten?  Or just not able to be focused on perhaps. 

I think I get very confused between enforcable boundaries and behaviors. 

[seeking balance]

It is annoying as hell, but I do not think that she uses it to torment me to be honest.

We have discussed it actually and she understood quite well at the time.  I think however this time her emotions got well out of control and it simply got forgotten?  Or just not able to be focused on perhaps. 

I think I get very confused between enforcable boundaries and behaviors. 

So, what emotion do you feel when she goes MIA to regulate herself?

[arjay]

But I can't NC someone every time they overstep a boundary, right? Is the difference that in a normal relationship we'd talk it out and determine if we could continue the relationship, but that it doesn't work with BPD? And where does this leave those who stay with their partners?

Dealing with a pwBPD is a different animal as they say.  I might say in a discussion with a person "I cannot discuss problems when there is yelling and screaming.  If you wish to discuss problems with me, please stop yelling".

It did help at times with my dBPDxw.  I can't say it helped during periods of dissociation however... . Sometimes I just had to take a personal "time out".

Peace

[lizzie458]

So sorry you're dealing with this, silent treatment is very difficult to deal with.  dBPDh has recently brought it back out of his bag of tricks in a big way (almost a full week of silent treatment) after about a year and a half of good progress and no silent treatment.  I'm still working out what a boundary looks like for me in this situation.  That said, here's my input - take it or leave it:

What was your intent with the boundary?  If you honor that, then (in theory) the boundary will have done its job.  You said you never laid it out in clear terms that the r/s would be over - but boundaries actually do not need to be announced, only enforced.  You really can choose to do whatever you want to do, though.  I think what will serve you best is figuring out what you are comfortable with, in terms of protecting yourself.

[Sylvia76]

I don't know how to go about setting an enforceable boundary with the silent treatment.

I've explained over and over how much it hurts me but he still does it.

Right now I'm on almost 48 hours of the silent treatment and we live together.

When I wanted to leave the house 2 nights ago so I could calm down and not force interaction he got REALLY angry and told me to "get out" over and over again.

Now he won't talk to me or look at me at all.

I have learned that there's a double standard at play: he can leave the house and not tell me where he is going but if I do it he gets very upset and picks at me.

So, what's best here: do I stay in the house and allow him to ignore me or is it OK to leave, do my thing, and be with my friends?

It's not like I stay out until 4 am or anything - just a couple hours.

But I know he has trust issues and is very jealous so I'm sure he's assuming I'm with some guy.

I can't talk to him, can't reason with him, so do I still check in?

Right now I don't want to be at home but NOT being there could be worse... .

[Sylvia76]

I should add that the other night while he was telling me to get out I told him "you're crossing a bridge with me you can't walk back over" because I don't know that I can ever forget this or feel truly safe with him again.

I'm sure he's interpreting that as me being mean to him but I was letting him know that his actions are going to have repercussions.

[Allmessedup]

Sb

I feel sad, frusturated, angry I would say are my primary emotions. 

I have zero issue with her taking time.  But I do have issue with her not upholding that end of things to be honest.  I think however my expectations may be too high.  Perhaps I can say if she doesn't check in then I can feel free to send an email text whatever after a designated time period?

[seeking balance]

I feel sad, frusturated, angry I would say are my primary emotions. 

Are you learning skills to self-soothe that do not require her?

I have zero issue with her taking time.  But I do have issue with her not upholding that end of things to be honest. 

I think however my expectations may be too high.  Perhaps I can say if she doesn't check in then I can feel free to send an email text whatever after a designated time period?

Why do you need a "designated" time?  Again, she is not doing it to punish you, it is her coping with her emotions... . if I recall, she had treatment years ago, she doesn't rage, she doesn't cheat - she tends to come back around and sort of apologize, right?

[Allmessedup]

Sb

U have a fantastic memory

She had treatment back in her teens.  You are right... she doesn't rage... . doesn't cheat and has always came back. 

The anxiousness is on my part completely.  I never know what to expect.  How to plan.  If she said hey amu I need some time and will be back in 3 days.  Fabulous.  I could deal with that much easier.

I do have things that help me self soothe.   Yoga, meditation, gardening, playing with my kids etc.  I try very much to keep the focus on me.

Currently the silence has ended.  And I never got upset with her about it.  But I mentioned something about not speaking to her and she completely did not realize she had not talked to me in several days!

So I am not blaming her.  Not vilifying her.  I am trying to figure out how to protect me.   But I am thinking in actuality what I am doing is trying to do that by controlling her.  Is that what your seeing here sb?

On the upside, she apologized.  Said this was her ___ she was bringing into our relationship and affecting it rather than it being an issue in our relationship and we discussed working thru the high conflict couple lessons together and she thought is was a great idea. So those things I am pleased about.  She really is trying.

So help me out here sb with some boundaries and examples on how to enforce them.  I think I am going about this wrong actually.

Thanks!

Amu

[seeking balance]

I can see you are upset by the behavior and heck, I would be too.

The fact is, when she is dysregulated - she said herself she doesn't even realize the days go by.

Radical Acceptance - this might be who she is, this might be as good as it gets.  Without outside help which I recall you were reluctant to get, this might be one of those things you learn to live with.

Is her disappearing for a couple of days a deal breaker for you?

What compromise can you offer that would help you?  It would be you being proactive, probably not her if she is dysregulated.

You said it yourself, you might be expecting too much.

So, using DEARMAN - can you think of a way to tell her you need to check in and see if she is ok, that it is about your needs and why.

Is she currently, actively practicing her DBT skills during these times?

[Allmessedup]

Thanks Lizzie and sylvie

The silence ended yesterday.  I decided to wait and readdress it after all things regarding the situation settled.  However in casual mention that she hadn't spoken to me in 3 days she says she had no idea.  We have had issues with losing time before.

So it's not going to be abig thing.  She apologized hugely.  And I am on the pi board trying to work thru if this is even a boundary or just me being controlling in a way. 

She does ask for time.  Doesn't just disappear.

Welcome sylvie this is a fantastic place!

For me I would go out with my friends personally.  My gf and I do not live together.  However I am quite able to go do my own thing when she takes her time.  It's the best gift I can give myself.   

I would look at is as he is choosing not to speak to you and you have a need for socialization.  It is up to you to meet that need.  We all need time for ourselves and it is essential that you take care of you first and formost

That's just my 2cents... .

[ziniztar]

.

I'm sure he's interpreting that as me being mean to him but I was letting him know that his actions are going to have repercussions.

Hi Sylvie,

That's good, you're recognizing your own boundary. In general I would avise you not to threathen him (so even though you want to, don't mention the repercussions). It will come across as mean and won't improve the situation - a long term goal you're aiming at. Just mention to him that he is crossing your boundary and describe what your behaviour will be because of it. A good boundary describes your own behaviour and is focused on protecting you. It's not focused on your SO or based on guilt, fear, resentment...

An example: next time you wil do YXZ, I will

- go read a book

- walk out of the room

- call a friend

- excersize.

Could you think of one that would fit your situation?

PS Read about the Karpman triangle on this board - it will help 

[Sylvia76]

Thank you Allmessedup and ziniztar!

I've just been keeping to myself and doing my own thing.

I went to my friend's shop last night and visited for a few hours.  When I came back I initiated conversation with basic questions like "when do you think you'll be ready to talk to me" and "what do you want to do about this weekend" (we are supposed to go to a show).

When I got nothing in return (he won't even look at me)I packed my daughter's bag so she's ready to go if she does stay overnight with my father, I want my dad to teach me how to clean my gun on Father's Day so I packed it up and got it out of the house, I did me.

One of the things I like to do to get rid of my negative feelings is to write things down so right before I went to sleep I wrote a letter (that I won't give him) that chronicled how I feel.

I'm sure he's not very happy with me right now and  I'm sure he's going through my daughter's room to see what I packed (he saw me take a bag from the basement) but all he'll find is my daughter's clothes packed, some pictures for my dad... . and that's it.

I just don't know how much more he expects me to take.

[lizzie458]

When I got nothing in return (he won't even look at me)I packed my daughter's bag so she's ready to go if she does stay overnight with my father, I want my dad to teach me how to clean my gun on Father's Day so I packed it up and got it out of the house, I did me.

Great job!  Staying home and walking on eggshells will not work - it'll give you a false sense of security, but it doesn't really give him the peace that he desires (nothing really will).  You do you, that is great advice.  This works amazingly well for me when I'm able to stay lovingly detached and not resentful of dBPDh for the silent treatment.  I don't give him a detailed schedule of where I'll be or anything and he really appreciates that, I think - he is one who gets overwhelmed with too much detail anyway.  If he asks me where I'm going, I'll tell him like it's no big deal.  If I'm still annoyed with him for being a jerk, that always telegraphs no matter how I try to hide it, and it usually either stirs things up again or prolongs the silent treatment.

When I came back I initiated conversation with basic questions like "when do you think you'll be ready to talk to me" and "what do you want to do about this weekend" (we are supposed to go to a show).

As a side note, questions like these have proven to be ineffective for me, particularly when he’s dysregulating.  “When do you think you’ll be ready to talk” is almost a confrontation with us, and he freezes.  “What do you want to do this weekend” would make it worse, because he really can’t think beyond his emotions at the time.  What I’ve found works best for us is to lay off the questions, period.  If there’s something that I absolutely have to know, I try to keep it very specific (usually a yes/no answer) and limit the questions.  So I might say something like, “would you still like to come to the show with me on Saturday night?”  But usually he will indicate when he’s ready to talk, and at that point I start with validation to take the edge off of his emotions.  Though it’s annoying as anything to wait out the silent treatment, this works far better than prodding him to talk before he’s ready.  That’s just what works for us at this point…most of the time   

[Allmessedup]

Hey SB

surprisingly we came to a compromise last night

She explained that she uses "time" to stop focusing on the problem when her emotions are getting out of control.  Which is understandable.  However with the object consistency issues she ends up loosing focus that she has not spoken to me days.  However she also says it sucks to have to put up with that and so we worked on problem solving it. 

Interestingly enough she came to a great solution all on her own using post it notes to remind her to contact me at such and such time period that we are to establish before she takes "time"

She is working really hard at using her skills and the evidence of this is huge in the reduction of behaviors.  She has always been high functioning but we have much less of the projection, the black and white thinking, and the disappearing act.  I do believe the High conflict couple is dbt based as well so thats an added resource.

And I actually am working on the outside help thing too... . just really working on finding a therapist that is right for me.  I did not get any real connection with the last two I tried.


BUT... . Since this is the PI board... .

I am struggling with enforcable boundaries.

Now if my value dictates my boundary then what dictates the consequence of breaking that boundary.  and are all boundaries enforcable and if not then what?

So I get that if my gf starts raging at me I can establish the boundary of that I am not going to be screamed at and simply leave the room.  That one I get.

But my value of honesty then would lead to a boundary of no lying.  So if she would lie to me then?

This is not simply a struggle in my relationship with her but I do see it across the board with my children and FOO relationships as well.

So it seems I set either too rigid boundaries  and expect too much as in with my boundary of the silent treatment.  or I set to loose ones and end up with no way to enforce them.

Does that make sense? 

I have made a huge amount of progress and growth in myself since January.  But I have more work I would like to continue to do.  I also find I can say no now and no longer rescue like I did.  Which is huge.  But again then I think I have this tendancy to swing the other way and I need to find that balance.

Thoughts?

[Allmessedup]

I agree with Lizzie here.

I am almost guaranteed to prolong the issue if I start asking if she is ready to talk.

Mostly what I will do is if it has been a few days I will send an email saying hey, You and our reationship are very important to me and I am not sending this to disturb you but simply because I wanted to let you know that.

short and sweet and not touching the issue at all. 


my gf and I are speaking again   and we acutally had a discussion regarding the silent treatment and her crossing my boundary.

Like I believe Ziniztar said, I simply mentioned in passing that she crossed my boundary.

I wasnt angry or accusing.  it was matter of fact.

She apologized and we were actally able to work on problem solving it togehter.

She had not realized so many days had passed (object consistency issues) as she was trying very hard not to focus on the problem so that she could get control over her emotions.

She in actuality had not realized she had broken my boundary at all... .

So we agreed that she would tell me when she would text next if she needed time and that she would use post its to remind her to keep that boundary. 

She is trying.  Very very hard too. 

This is huge progress from me being on the leaving board back in January:)

[formflier]

 

AMU,

Is your Gf in any kind of treatment?

This is a very hopeful sign that she is trying hard and apologizing.

Best of luck to you... . it looks like you have the right perspective on things... .

[Grey Kitty]

She in actuality had not realized she had broken my boundary at all... .

This makes it a rule, not a boundary enforcement.

A rule is something that she chooses to follow or not follow (whether she is aware of it or not)

A boundary enforcement is something you actively do to protect yourself from the consequences of her (bad) actions), for example, leaving a conversation when it transitions into verbal abuse.

My advice for the silent treatment is to occasionally reach out with a friendly "touch" in a way that reminds the person that you are there, you appreciate them, and you won't bite, or yell at them should they be ready to talk to you.

I know my wife reached a point where she would withdraw (wisely!) because she knew that if she talked to me, she would behave badly in ways she'd regret... . a very good time to be silent. Then she would sooth herself by getting busy doing something... . and perhaps forget that she was avoiding me after whatever she was wound up about passed.

Thus the friendly reminder--she might well be ready to connect again but just not thinking about it.

I was also careful to only do this when I wasn't angry over the silent treatment, which did happen... . especially since previously she was being silent as punishment instead of trying to protect our r/s from her out of control feelings/moods. I had my own baggage to deal with.

[Allmessedup]

Interesting grey kitty... .

I did reach out to her and just told her I loved her and that I was committed to her and the relationship. 

She responded in kind.   The interesting thing is she told me she hadn't thought it had been3 days,  she hadn't even realized it.  She had no idea she was breaking a boundary with me. 

Which is really hard to understand.  But I believe her.

And I get the whole anger thing.  She has many times used the silent treatment as punishment,  but this time it was definately not.  She was trying to protect the relationship.

Progress... .

And form flier

She was dx in her early teens.  Went thru massive inpatient therapy as well as extensive outpatient for years.  She has the skills.  She knows what she needs to do.

She is not in therapy any longer. And honestly it's been decades since she was.  However when we got back into our relationship I was quite upfront over the fact that I was seeing a lot of BPD behaviors and she was horrified.  She has been actively practicing her skills again and I am quick to tell her when I am feeling the push pull or other manifestations of the BPD. 

And I am actively working on me.  I am doing the work, working on finding a t I relate well to.  Staying mindful and dealing with my own FOO stuff.   I have stopped a lot of my own behaviors as well that come with my co dependency stuff.

It's a journey.   Filled with ups and downs.  But I keep seeing progress:).  Slow and steady

[Grey Kitty]

As you said, progress That she has worked through this before, and is just needing to refresh sounds like a good thing to me.

She had no idea she was breaking a boundary with me. 

I see this as an area you can work on. "Setting boundaries" in this form (i.e. telling her not to do something) is something that doesn't work well (in general, and especially with a pwBPD). I call them rules, instead of boundaries.

The structure of a rule is: You state the rule... . she can break it if she chooses... . or not.

The structure of boundary enforcement is: She takes a (bad) action. You respond with an action that protects you from the consequences of her action. Note that she has no choice at all in the enforcement portion--You have the choice to enforce the boundary.

[Allmessedup]

Hey grey kitty!

Thanks for the reply!

We actually discussed this and she was very descriptive of just how she "forgot".

She was pretty dismayed that she broke the boundary and wanted to ensure it didn't happen again.  She decided that making her self a post it note and sticking it where she would see it consistently  saying call amu by x time.  Would help.

Idk if it will or not... . but I was pleased by her apology, remorse, explanation and her trying to problem solve the issue.  Again a lot of progress.

She is a waif/hermit type so I do t usually have to worry about her raging at me.  But honesty is a huge thing for me and she has been dishonest in the past.

Push and pull behaviors are the ones that are the most maddening to me.  But I am not sure how to put a rule on that.   I saw from another post your wife is cured of BPD. How awesome!

What things as a partner did u do to contribute to that?

Thanks!

Amu