uBPD sister continues to make life difficult

[Cookiecrisp]

This is only my second post, I'm still getting the hang of this. I just am at the end of my rope. My uBPD sister continues to make my life and her daughter's life a living hell. My mom has dementia... . she is almost 80 and my 60 yr old half sister has taken control of her, but does a horrible job caring for her. My mom fell a few weeks ago, uBPD sis never told me and she took her to the hospital 4 or 5 days after she fell because she had lots of back pain. Turns our she fractured some vertebrae in her back. Then, my sister turned my aunts and uncles against me and they really don't want anything more to do with me or my niece. The story is far too lengthy to post here.

The problem is, I've got virtually no one in my family that has any trust in me. No one even bothers to talk to me about anything. They just believe what she tells them and they do whatever she tells them to do... . even if it means disowning me. My mom is very ill, my sister is pure evil, and my family sucks. I'm in my thirties and have 3 year old triplets, one with Down syndrome. I've got nothing left. I'm totally and completely lost and angry and hurt. My kids need me, my mom needs me and because of my sister, I'm losing my faith and now I don't really trust anyone. I see a counselor and I do the best I can, I gotta say... . I'm spent... . my nerves can't take anymore. I don't even really know why I posted this. There's really nothing anyone can do for me and I've certainly tried to help myself. God certainly doesn't give a ___ about me. Prayers go unanswered and only more drama happens. I just want peace. I just want to be able to bring my mom to my house... . she lives 3 hrs away... . and live peacefully with my husband, kids, niece, mom and friends. Please tell me this will get better. That would be great.

[Legacymaker]

I am sorry you are hurting.  The situation with your mom is a tough one when you feel like you are fighting it alone.  On this site though, you are never alone!  Have you thought of petitioning the court for Guardianship of your mother?  Could you provide evidence that your half sister is not providing adequate care?  The first example I would use would be that it took 4-5 days to get her to a hospital with a fractured vertebrae! Would your mom's medical team support you in making a case for inadequate care?  Sometimes we need to step out of our own family circles to find solutions.

Much hard work, but how lovely for you to be blessed with triplets!  My step sister has 2 Down's children. They have a lot of health challenges, but with their unwavering love and their never ending supply of happiness, they have brought so much joy to our family over the years.  These special children have taught us what the term unconditional should really look like!

When I was a young mother, I remember feeling that there was something seriously wrong with my family.  I didn't want to repeat so many of the cycles that I had lived within.  I remember choosing to live very purposefully with my children and husband.  Many times over the years, I needed to tune out the antics of my NBD brother and BPD mother. I knew I would never be able to change their behaviors  The only real control I had was over how I governed myself.  I put that energy into creating amazing memories and wonderful relationships with my own children and husband.   Thirty one years later, I have no regrets about being steadfast with my committments to my own family.  You are at the beginning of this journey.  Try to visualize what you want the next years to look like, it will help guide you now.

The problem with this illness is that it will never go away, nor will the people that it effects.  The solution is to live your life as fully as possible.  Seek validation from a positive source... . your friends, your husband etc.  Fight for the things that you can change, like the care of your mom, then try to compartmentalize the rest and leave it to quietly rest off on the side.  Sending you thoughts of peace today.

[P.F.Change]

Hi, Cookiecrisp,

I'm glad you decided to share your post. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate and are really worried about your mother. I think anyone would be feeling worn out and frustrated in your situation. You've found a place where people understand, and I hope you will keep reading and posting. It really can help.

It sounds like you might be feeling depressed. Do you think that's accurate? If so, you are not alone. A majority of our new members arrive feeling some level of depression. Dealing with a family member with BPD is really difficult, and it sounds like you have added stress from triplets and a child with extra needs. I think it is really great that you are taking steps to look after yourself and that you have a counselor already. In the midst of depression it can be hard to believe--but those awful feelings really are temporary. Things can get much better.

Legacymaker has some good advice and asks some good questions. I would also ask about this:

I just want to be able to bring my mom to my house... . she lives 3 hrs away... . and live peacefully with my husband, kids, niece, mom and friends.

What steps would you need to take in order to achieve this goal? What have you already tried?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Cookiecrisp]

Thank you LM and PF for your support. I think it's pretty sad that two perfect strangers believe me about my sister and my own family doesn't. I've worked so hard to overcome the pain of growing up with an abusive father and a half sister with uBPD and went to college and of course majored in something to do with mental health/human behavior, made lots of friends, have an awesome husband, and finally had my babies. Life would be great if my mother wasn't so ill and my sister could just leave everyone alone. Unfortunately, my mom has started hallucinating at night, in part probably due to the pain of her injury. So that adds to all of this.

A couple of things, I would love to get guardianship of my mom, but I just feel so beaten down by all of this that I don't know if I want to expend the energy on fighting my sister because she will contest it. Second of all, I don't really trust many of my relatives. They are so manipulated by her that they may make that difficult for me too. At this point the sister is being more cordial, but I'm pretty sure she is exaggerating the extent of my mom's illness because she likes the attention. I have offered to help, but of course she doesn't want my help because she wants to control everything. So, I am in some murky waters... . the last thing I want to do is even speak to my sister, but I don't know what else to do. She is so unreasonable, but maybe over time she will accept help from me because she is so totally exhausted.

I feel like I just have to survive this. I'm just not sure how to do it. As I said, I see a counselor and I take meds to help with the overwhelming sadness that I feel about everything, but being rejected by aunts and uncles really did some damage to me. They never have to work anything out with her so they have no idea how hard she is to deal with. Only a few cousins know how horrible she is. I want to answer your question about my game plan for achieving my goals, but I don't have one. I really think that when my mother passes away, I will be free of my sister... . and I realize how terrible that sounds, but this isn't a relationship I can fully sever ties with because of my mom. Believe me, once I can... . I will. That being said... . I feel overwhelmed with grief about my mother's decline. She was such a wonderful person... . the kindest, funniest, most generous, loving person on earth. It is so sad that she isn't herself anymore and the wolf is left to tend to her.

I just don't see an answer right now. I know BPDs are unreasonable, almost never seek help, and never change. Do you think my other family members will be able to see through her lies and manipulation? The only person she has is my mom... . that's why she holds on for dear life.

[ropend]

Best thing you can do may be to anonymously report elder abuse a/o see if you can get a court to side with you.



I may sound like a monster but your children's well being must have priority over just about everything else.

[Cookiecrisp]

It has already been reported by someone. The problem is that the social workers in the small town where she lives aren't the best. I reported her for financial exploitation a few months ago and nothing happened. It was unsubstantiated. No, you don't sound like a monster. I'm very, very fearful of what she might do to me and my family. She has poor impulse control. The last family gathering I went to and she was there... . my husband and three kids and myself stuck together. I wouldn't  even let my mom take one of them because I thought the sister might abduct or hurt them. I'm convinced that for the rest of her life, I will always have a target on my back. She will always hate me.

[P.F.Change]

A couple of things, I would love to get guardianship of my mom, but I just feel so beaten down by all of this that I don't know if I want to expend the energy on fighting my sister because she will contest it.

Yes, I imagine it would involve quite a bit of resistance from your sister. You need to take care of yourself first before you can take care of someone else, and if you don't have the energy right now, that's okay. On the other hand, there are steps you can take if/when you do decide you want to try to bring your mother to your house. It is something that is possible to try when you're ready.

I feel like I just have to survive this. I'm just not sure how to do it. As I said, I see a counselor and I take meds to help with the overwhelming sadness that I feel about everything, but being rejected by aunts and uncles really did some damage to me.

... .

I just don't see an answer right now. I know BPDs are unreasonable, almost never seek help, and never change. Do you think my other family members will be able to see through her lies and manipulation? The only person she has is my mom... . that's why she holds on for dear life.

It is normal that you want to be accepted by your family and feel a sense of belonging. That's a basic human need. I can see why it hurts for them to reject you, and no doubt it has done damage. Anyone would be hurt in that situation. The good news is you can overcome all that. It might require adjusting the way you think about your family members or finding another group that can support you instead, and there might always be some residual pain there, but you can move through it and find ways to take care of yourself.

You ask if other family members will ever see through your sister. Maybe, maybe not. Many times, there is more than one disordered personality in an extended family, or a multitude of enablers who are not psychologically ready to face the reality of a loved one's disorder. On the other hand, sometimes an extended family member will have an eye-opening experience with the person with BPD and may be able to offer some validation at that point. Personally, I would assume for now that things will stay the same. Your extended family may not be able to provide the validation and support you need. What would that mean for you? Can you think of other sources of support?

[ropend]

It has already been reported by someone. The problem is that the social workers in the small town where she lives aren't the best. I reported her for financial exploitation a few months ago and nothing happened. It was unsubstantiated. No, you don't sound like a monster. I'm very, very fearful of what she might do to me and my family. She has poor impulse control. The last family gathering I went to and she was there... . my husband and three kids and myself stuck together. I wouldn't  even let my mom take one of them because I thought the sister might abduct or hurt them. I'm convinced that for the rest of her life, I will always have a target on my back. She will always hate me.

Speak to the social workers supervisor.

And tell them about the hospitalization.

Also start recording phone calls and filming events.

[ropend]

My last post was meant to be a suggestion and nothing more.

Sorry that it didn't come across that way.

[Cookiecrisp]

It's okay. I didn't take your suggestion that way. I know everyone is only trying to help. I've just been busy and dealing with a sick kiddo. I think it's helpful for me to get thr validation I need on here. Reading other threads is helpful too. I can totally see where other people are coming from. At this point, the uBPD continues to be a pain that will not go away. I'm just taking it one day at a time with my mom. The uBPD continues to backtrack on the severity of my mom's "sundowning". Probably because my niece and my family will be visiting my mom in a month and we will see it's not as bad... . I guess. She will probably do more to me legally and otherwise because she blames me for her daughter having NC. That and her need to have my mom all to herself are the reasons why she is relentless and wants to destroy me. You all have given me some great advice. It took me a few days to accept that my family will not be there for me. They all have their own lives and their own reasons for siding with her... . I was never that close to them anyway. So, their loss, not mine. I have awesome friends and my niece and husband and kids. I have amazing kiddos and they need me more than anything. I'll just do the best I can... . what other choice do I have? Maybe something will work out... . I just wish I had my mom to be supportive. She doesn't really know what's going on. I haven't been able to lean on her for years. That really stinks, but that is my life now.

[ItsNotYou]

At this point, the uBPD continues to be a pain that will not go away. I'm just taking it one day at a time with my mom. The uBPD continues to backtrack on the severity of my mom's "sundowning". Probably because my niece and my family will be visiting my mom in a month and we will see it's not as bad... . I guess. She will probably do more to me legally and otherwise because she blames me for her daughter having NC. That and her need to have my mom all to herself are the reasons why she is relentless and wants to destroy me. You all have given me some great advice. It took me a few days to accept that my family will not be there for me. They all have their own lives and their own reasons for siding with her... . I was never that close to them anyway. So, their loss, not mine. I have awesome friends and my niece and husband and kids.

I signed up here to respond to your post, your situation sounds so familiar, the ailing parent who is the link that keeps you interacting with the uBPD sibling and the uBPD's constant efforts to undermine your relationship with your aunts, uncles and any other mutual friends. I realized this with my sibling and I'll pass this on, "it's not you". There is nothing you have to change about your self. I see several positive things in your latest post. First the uBPD's story is unravelling hence the back tracking. Second it sounds like your cousins can see through the manipulation, drama, blaming and constant put downs with and without you present that perhaps the aunts and uncles cannot. My sibling severely undermined my relationship with aunts, uncles, and cousins and it has taken a decade to repair. She's a master manipulator, she continues to make up stories of how I'm potentially going to cheat so and so out of this or that so constantly undermining my reputation. It is a nasty business. However, your one recourse is your actions and how you interact with your aunts, uncles and cousins. Be positive and show you are the nice caring person you are and you will eventually reverse the damage your uBPD has done to your reputation. It sounds like your cousins are your allies which is a positive though unfortunately they likely won't have much influence on their parent's thinking. Treat your Mom well, don't be afraid to toot your own horn about the good things you've done for your Mom. Consistency is one thing your uBPD sister doesn't have, so you stay your even course and her stories start to fall apart. Minimize contact even at family gatherings, don't talk to her, don't engage her. At moments things are bleak and you think you are alone, know that other people have read your story and you are not alone.

[funfunctional]

I do feel for you.  Read your post and what stuck out were the triplets.   

This isn't your job to fix this situation with your mom nor will you be able to.  Did you mom choose sister as her medical decider?   Power of Attorney?   I think the suggestion for calling elder abuse/neglect is your best choice if your mom is not being cared for.  This will fully demonize you however.   Sometimes being the bad guy isn't all that bad if it give you personal power.        I have accepted my role as villian.     

This may have to play out as it sounds like your problem sister has done a great job of badmouthing you to others.    The OTHERS will have to figure this out.     The OTHERS may have to see mom neglected.       

You will spend valuable energy that you need to spend with your own three dependants that need you.   They are your future.      You didn't mention a husband - but regardless - YOU have a family.  A special family.    Triplets!     You are only human and you can only care for so many other people.    The kids only choice is YOU!  You are their mom and really need to have those happy moment with your kids.  It's ok to step out.    Do what you have to do - but also allow yourself some time off from this if needed.   

take care of your family.     

[funfunctional]

"and live peacefully with my husband, kids, niece, mom and friends. Please tell me this will get better. That would be great."

oops... .you did mention husband.  sorry.

It WILL get better but you have to CHANGE your handling of this and internalizing of this.    You have a family and people that love you.     Please walk into today and look at the tiny things and smile.  Be happy.   Your mom's situation may not get better - it probably will get worse as the nature of dimmentia.   My dear Aunt has this.

But YOU will be okay.  You will continue to raise a beautiful loving family and siblings that are kind to one another.    Now you know what NOT to do... .often our own childhoods and parents serve as lessons as to what we now need to do with our own.