PTSD. Does it go away?

[Blimblam]

I am suffering PTSD like symptoms currently.  I am 1.5 weeks NC. The relationship officially ended 6 months ago but I have been strung along since then.  I have near constant anxiety and am very easily startled.  Often when I feel stressed it will trigger an anxiety attack.  It has lessoned but it is effecting every area of my life significantly.

I am wondering if it is permanent?

How to deal with it?

Is this different than PTSD from combat or an accident?

anyone elses experiences with ptsd symptoms from the abuse of a SO with BPD that might give insight are welcome.

Any information on educating myself more about it would be helpful.

Thank you!

[fortunes_fool]

This may not give you much hope, but I've been suffering from PTSD symptoms since the end of my relationship with my BPD exgf just over a year ago. The symptoms have lessened, but every time something reminds me of her--- Facebook prompting me to add her (I blocked her last night because I was tired of this happening), or the occasional text or phone call from her after she initiated NC about 3 months ago--- it all comes flooding back. I was actually pondering making a post like yours because it feels so strange to me to be suffering from PTSD simply from a bad relationship... . but here I am nonetheless. All of that said, I don't think it's permanent; I know that for the short time I was able to utilize it, EMDR therapy helped me tremendously with my PTSD. You may want to look into it if your symptoms become too much to handle.

[Blimblam]

This may not give you much hope, but I've been suffering from PTSD symptoms since the end of my relationship with my BPD exgf just over a year ago. The symptoms have lessened, but every time something reminds me of her--- Facebook prompting me to add her (I blocked her last night because I was tired of this happening), or the occasional text or phone call from her after she initiated NC about 3 months ago--- it all comes flooding back. I was actually pondering making a post like yours because it feels so strange to me to be suffering from PTSD simply from a bad relationship... . but here I am nonetheless. All of that said, I don't think it's permanent; I know that for the short time I was able to utilize it, EMDR therapy helped me tremendously with my PTSD. You may want to look into it if your symptoms become too much to handle.

fortune,

Thank you for sharing.  It validates my sanity to hear your story.  Well at least it has lessoned for you.  No one around me seems to understand and are dismissive.  The PTSD symptoms are what eventually led me here in the first place.  I had been gaslit so badly I didn't no up from down anymore.  I knew something was wrong I never felt like this before in my life. She had me convinced I was nuts, that I was the source.  I am sorry its still there! Sorry for both of us! I will look into EMDR therapy.

[letmeout]

It sounds like most relationships with a BPD partner is traumatic = PTSD.  I know I suffered from it at the end of the r/s and after the divorce because of my ex's extreme crazy making behaviors. It takes time to recover but the longer you are not exposed to it/him/her then the more you heal.

[Blimblam]

I found another thread about a similar subject so I thought Id make a link to it

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=223720.0

[Blimblam]

this is literally the worst feeling ever in my life sometimes. there is the semi constant feeling in my chest that only gets worst to the point sometimes I want to curl up into a ball and rock back and forth.  My hands shaking  then something will trigger it and its like dysphoria and I am nearly paralyzed and it feels like Im falling almost to my death over and over and over.  I try to do deep breathing techniques through it but to no avail.  I lose absolutely all productivity sometimes for the entire rest of the day. Even when I must work I feel as if I weigh 1000 pounds and satans hand has reached up from hell to yank at my heart and center of my being filling me this this terrible crippling anxiety.

Its almost unbearable at times I can not stand this.  Then I start thinking if this is how my life is going to be Id be better off dead. Like my soul has been poisoned and Nothing in my life that was once whithin reach is even possible.  Unnable to function as an adult.  like the core of my being is missing and I am lost and my mind is broken and stuck in an endless loop of despair. Filled with this toxicity any form of communication is poisoned and desperate.  that I may collapse in on myself like a blackhole in this pit of emptiness in my core.  sometimes tears stream down my face but my face is stuck in a grimace so I can not sob when I cry.

[Blimblam]

I was not like this before her! I cant imagine myself Im lost.  this constant state of dysphoria. as she is so carefree.  Could give a fug about me. she destroyed me at best she pitys me and I annoy her.  The messed up part is this same feeling is my feeling of love.  I still feel the love but tainted by the dysphoria that is how it feels now. love is pain an all encompassing pain down to my core.  I want to sleep forever.

[Isabelle8]

I am new on the road to recovery so my words may not be as helpful, but I have reached out for help from a lot of sources.  I am also suffering from PTSD and I am doing EMDR with my therapist.  I am also getting a lot of support from loving friends.  You have to explain to them that it is not a normal break-up.  People tend to assume it's just another painful break-up but it's not.  You have been emotionally manipulated and abused (if not physically) and left completely depleted.  Be gentle with yourself and surround yourself with friends.  I know what you're going through. 

[WalrusGumboot]

Blimblam, I was in a long marriage (23 years) with a pwBPD and out for a little over 2 years now. I, like you, believe I have PTSD.

After two years, I still have symptoms, but nothing like when I started, and even a year ago. Untreated, it looks like it resolves itself slowly.

Anxiety meds help as anxiety has been the main symptom. Getting back in shape, eating better, vitamin D supplements, etc. has helped me pull out of my depression I was in.

I suggest a visit to your Dr. to get a full health check and if you can afford therapy, go to one specializing in EMDR. You are suffering and you need to take some positive steps NOW.

[Lucky Jim]

People tend to assume it's just another painful break-up but it's not.  You have been emotionally manipulated and abused (if not physically) and left completely depleted.  Be gentle with yourself and surround yourself with friends.

You put that well, Isabelle8.  Yes to manipulated and abused, and left completely depleted.  Like Walrus, I was in a long marriage (16 years) to a pwBPD.  It took me a long time to recognize and admit that I was a battered spouse, the victim of domestic abuse.  There is little public discussion about violence against men, yet I'm sure it happens all the time in BPD relationships.

Blimbllam, 1.5 weeks of NC is a short time, as you know, so try to be patient. Exercise, as Walrus suggests, is a good way to burn off some of the anxiety.

Hang in there,

LuckyJim

[Red Sky]

They don't fit traditional PTSD symptoms perfectly - I think stress and anxiety played a big role - but during/after the end of my relationship with uNPDexbf my head did a bunch of weird things.

- I did black out quite a few chunks of my life, which I didn't quite realise (I suspected I had forgotten bits) until I came here and started unpacking the memories. That hurt a lot and made me a bit physically wobbly but I think that processing them is the way to move on.

- I used to get the shaky nauseous feeling and so on if he managed to get in touch. That's gone. That took a few months to happen, till I had very much detached and moved on.

- right after we broke up, I had a whole range of physical ailments which felt very real but seemed to have no medical cause. Teeth felt wobbly. Stomach problems. Threw up a lot. Skin itched everywhere constantly. Still no idea what exactly that was but I felt TERRIBLE then and they subsided over a few months... . Was mostly okay within a few weeks.

(The relationship was 2.5 years, now 10mths NC.)

Hope that this gets better for you soon Blimblam. Sounds like the others know how to deal with this. I wish I had known, I went through it without identifying what was going on and I genuinely thought I was crazy. It takes a lot of courage to admit that a relationship was abusive and get the appropriate help so at least you're on the right path

[Blimblam]

I reached out and made contact today and regret it! Now am having an extrememly difficult time functioning.

[seeking balance]

I reached out and made contact today and regret it! Now am having an extrememly difficult time functioning.

Well, most of us here have reached out to the person who caused our torment for relief - you are not the first and you will not be the last... .

Right now, breathe and then go for a walk or a run - get those emotions flowing.

Regarding ptsd - it is the same symptoms as combat, yes

I was having nightmares, couldn't eat and sick, trouble focusing - you name it - when I got here.  My T was licensed in EMDR and we did several sessions.  It helped me.  I do not show signs of it today, but I can have anxiety when I run into old "mutual" friends - I have learned how to breathe through it and use coping skills.

WG gave you very sound advice - it may be time to see a Dr.  Again, many of us had to do this too, myself included.

[fortunes_fool]

I have good days and bad days. On my good days, I almost feel like I did prior to the relationship with my BPD exgf: strong, articulate, intelligent, and capable. On my bad days, of which yesterday was absolutely one, I feel incompetent, inarticulate, and hopeless. Thinking about it today, when my ex and I first broke up, I had 3-4 panic attacks daily. I got a prescription for Xanax, but because my doctor was concerned about addictive potential, I could only take one pill per day, and it helped minimally. I was still hanging out with my ex on a daily basis; she and I lived in the same small town (I had stupidly invited her to come there when we had gone on a break), and she guilted me into being part of her recovery from our relationship. When, 3 months after our break-up, I finally decided to move halfway across the country because I couldn't figure out any other way to get away from her (before that, she had been talking about how she and I should live together, but date other people), the panic attacks finally slowed. Now, 10 months after that move, I will maybe have 2 panic attacks a month. That's crazy progress.

I still have flashbacks and dreams of her. I seem to have blocked out a large amount of our relationship, which is really disturbing to me; I always used to pride myself on my excellent memory, but I now feel as if that's been stolen from me. It's good, though, to know that some people have had the symptoms of PTSD dissipate. Gives me hope. Blimblam, I really hope you can find that same hope... . in the beginning of dealing with something like we have, I think it's really all we can hold onto.

[Blimblam]

I've got hope ! Thank you all for sharing

[Blimblam]

I feel so retarded how after I was dumped I hovered obsessively in denial and confused.  Made crazy trying to make sense of it through contact with her.  Of course it served no purpose but to further entrench me in the role she created for me.  Justifying her discarding me.  Did this happen to anyone else? Making me think I may be the BPD one after reading about how they are usually the ones that do that

[Red Sky]

Oh ye gods yes, Blimblam. I blamed myself for a lot of what went on with my exbf, I dumped him four times and so I was convinced I was the abusive one, that I instigated the instability in our relationship. (Each time I dumped him because he overstepped a boundary. Each time I took him back because I was so isolated from any other support, and all it took was one implication that I wasn't good enough to deserve love for the loneliness to become unbearable.) That and various other pieces of gas lighting made me feel like I was a horrible person. I thought I was totally unstable... . Then I walked away and stabilized and found I could be sane and happy and productive once I was rid of him.

For me at 1.5 weeks out, I was a nervous wreck barely able to get myself through the day. This is the point at which you definitely need to forgive yourself. For not feeling okay. It is normal not to feel okay at this point. It is normal to be confused and lonely and all of that. You don't need to beat yourself up about it. You will feel crummy for a while, yup. But with every day that passes the net result is that you will feel less and less crummy (and more and more like a whole gingerbread man?). Just know that by clinging on and moving through each day you are getting better. Even if you don't feel it now.

[Lights843]

I can say with certainty that it goes away. I displayed symptoms for two years but the last few months have been much easier and I seem to only have flashbacks and nightmares once every couple months now. What helped me is stimulating my brain as much possible through reading, unloading my thoughts through discussion and writing.

The brain is confused and has absorbed so much that it has to process it all. It will soon. Stay positive.

[Blimblam]

I can say with certainty that it goes away. I displayed symptoms for two years but the last few months have been much easier and I seem to only have flashbacks and nightmares once every couple months now. What helped me is stimulating my brain as much possible through reading, unloading my thoughts through discussion and writing.

The brain is confused and has absorbed so much that it has to process it all. It will soon. Stay positive.

This gives me hope.  thank you... I think the key here for me is to not loose hope.

[Blimblam]

I find that drinking energy drinks helps give me motivation to push through it when I need to work

when it is low level

[going places]

https://www.facebook.com/PositiveActionForPTSD

2011-2012 I suffered from the following:

Isolating myself

Extreme high alert

Feeling numb (mentally, emotionally, and physcially)

Memory issues

Could not concentrate on ANYTHING

Nightmares / Night Terrors

Insomnia to the point I would vomit from lack of sleep

Jump out of my skin when someone would walk up behind me (still do this today)

No self-esteem / Self loathing

Hopelessness

Suicidal thoughts

Panic attacks; especially when I drove thru 1 town in particular

Flashbacks so vivid I could "see that day" and I could NOT pull out of it... .

Went from 133 lbs (I am 5'7" to 114lbs in less than 2 weeks (today at 120, and that's a struggle to keep on)

Insecure

Consumed with fear

On a scale from 1-10... . 10 being the most extreme, I was a 10 in all the above categories 90% of the time. I caused myself SO MANY physical problems because I was dumping so much adrenaline and coritsal in my system... . non stop.

I suffered for so long, partly because the 'marriage counselor' (church dude) told me that if I talked about what my stbexh did with him, or anyone else, that I was "not being forgiving"... . So I held it inside.

When I finally told my doc, she sat down and cried; she could not believe I held all that inside for a year. The more I talked, the better I felt.

I moved from "self-hating" to really nasty anger... . justified anger.

That lasted for about a year (thru all of this we remained together, under the same roof).

Now, and for the last 4 months, I have moved into the: Let it go, hit the road, life is out there waiting for me... . let's get this show on the road 'mode'.

I have moments where the anger flares up, but never the 'self loathing' or 'gosh I wonder if we tried this if it will work'... . nope. None of that.

From the moment of trauma (aug 2011) to today, it has been a rough ride... . stripped me to my bare soul, pushed me to the brink of death. Changed me for sure.

But that 'person' is NOT who I am, and it took a while for that to sink in.

The hardest hardest hardest part was I had no one to talk too... . where I could vent, cry, stomp my feet, say 'it's not fair'... ect; and they just listen / agree / and love me thru it.

Keeping it inside chewed me up like a chainsaw... . made it worse, made it last longer.

But I have come to the place where I don't NEED to talk about it.

I have it worked out in my head and my heart:

I was not my fault. I did nothing to deserve what happened to me.

Not only will I survive... . but I am gonna thrive, live and love and embrace being alive.

And now I know the 'signs' and will use my 'hype-alertness' to see those red flags, and when / if they present themselves... . R-U-N.

Does it 'go away'?

I have read a lot that says if you have had a 'brain injury' prior to the trauma (I have had 2 head concussions, maybe 3) that THAT has a lot to do with the 'level' of PTSD... .

It does get better... .

I still have days where I do not get off the couch, where I stare thru the back of the TV.

I am still super hyper alert (startle very easily)

I have moments where I can feel the rage boil up (so much so that my lips physically tingle).

They are NOTHING like there were in 11-12, for that I am grateful to God.

[HazelJade]

I have been diagnosed with complex PTSD too.

As someone here said, it had me really perplexed that I could have developped this just for a bad relationship but this is exactly what happened. Today I think that it re-opened old wounds I wasn't even aware of anymore.

In any case, this has been a life saver for me.

www.pete-walker.com/

His free articles are just the best thing I've ever read on this subject. He's a wonderful therapist, the warmest person one can have by his side in dealing with PTSD.

Wishing you the very best

HJ

[HazelJade]

The hardest hardest hardest part was I had no one to talk too... . where I could vent, cry, stomp my feet, say 'it's not fair'... ect; and they just listen / agree / and love me thru it.

Keeping it inside chewed me up like a chainsaw... . made it worse, made it last longer.

I hear you, GoingPlaces. It is really true, and I can relate to much of your post. I'm so, so happy you feel better today.   

Yes, it does get much better, but boy, it is a hell of a ride.

[Blimblam]

Thanks hj and going places.

It's very difficult to find people to vent to that will just listen.  Nobody I know is willing to do thAt. They find me selfish negative and toxic for doing for venting and not just doing what they tell me to do.  They judge me and lose respect for me.  A couple of them betrayed my confidence and told my ex what I was going through and she used that information to hurt me to new depths.  

I wouldn't wish this experience on my worst enemy.  

All lot of times people would tell me "just let it go" and to "just be positive" with some sort of law of attraction type of jargon. On the whole I have found that type of logic to be very invalidating and made it difficult to not feel Ashamed.  There were insinuations that I just enjoy being the victim.  This further confused me because I was already more I was more confused than I already had been and just seemed to validate the gas lighting I had received from my ex.  It cAused me to further second guess my gut feeling and I began to believe that I may be the source of toxic energy.  It drove me crazy in the sence that I began to believe someone else's demons were my own.

[mitti]

Hi Blimblam and everybody that has been writing in this thread,

I can relate to so much of what you all have been saying. I developed PTSD early on in my 4-year r/s with my uBPDxbf but I had a hard time getting my T to accept that it was PTSD. We tried some treatment but it only seemed to get worse. At one point it was so bad I had panic attacks every day. I stopped T because I couldn't stand the pain of having to remember everything that was causing me so much pain.

It has got a lot better since then although it has taken 6 months to get where I am now. I have no idea if you recover completely from this type of PTSD caused by these toxic r/s because it is tied to an individual more than an event. A lot of us have to interact with our BPD-exes on a regular basis after breakup. Not me but we live very close and our social circles overlap. My T told me that in order to recover from PTSD you need to be away from whatever situation was causing it.

[going places]

I hope your T is right... . I am moving from IN to FLA to get away from my stbexh... .

I second the notion, I would not wish what I have been thru on my worst enemy on my best day.

[Red Sky]

I kind of hate to admit that moving like 2000 miles away from my exbf was the only thing that gave me the space to leave. But I loved the change. Best of luck with your move going places!

[mitti]

I know what you mean Going Places. I never would have thought it was possible to experience this level of pain due to a r/s with one person nor that it would last this long. I am almost 1,5 years out and it still hurts and any reminder of him causes some anxiety in me.

Good to hear RedSky. I am considering leaving the country to have peace and a new life. Not an easy decision though because it means leaving a job I love.

[mitti]

It's very difficult to find people to vent to that will just listen.  Nobody I know is willing to do thAt. They find me selfish negative and toxic for doing for venting and not just doing what they tell me to do.  They judge me and lose respect for me.  A couple of them betrayed my confidence and told my ex what I was going through and she used that information to hurt me to new depths.  

I wouldn't wish this experience on my worst enemy.  

All lot of times people would tell me "just let it go" and to "just be positive" with some sort of law of attraction type of jargon. On the whole I have found that type of logic to be very invalidating and made it difficult to not feel Ashamed.  There were insinuations that I just enjoy being the victim.  This further confused me because I was already more I was more confused than I already had been and just seemed to validate the gas lighting I had received from my ex.  It cAused me to further second guess my gut feeling and I began to believe that I may be the source of toxic energy.  It drove me crazy in the sence that I began to believe someone else's demons were my own.

I know what you mean. It is difficult to be validated by people that have never been through this type of r/s. It's just so crazy that it almost can't be believed and so I guess our friends just assume we exaggerate or that we are weak. In the end I even found my T to be a little invalidating because she wouldn't understand how I just couldn't let go. And the shame brought on by their reactions is unbearable and makes you question your sanity.

I stopped telling people how I feel (or felt because most of the time now I feel great) and would instead give them an example of the craziness I have been through, like a real life situation. It seems easier for most people to identify with you when they have a situation they can imagine themselves in rather then trying to understand feelings they have never felt.

[Blimblam]

My ex was so good at being subtle it's hard to explain it because she was so ambiguous. That's why thought it was me because I eventually did act crazy but I never had before like that.