I find it hard to understand moving so quickly from one person to the other.
GOI, It's not about reality. Borderline is about fantasy. It is about yearning. It is a thought disorder (a belief system) that one will find the perfect true love, the soulmate in order to fuse to and be carried throughout life, enmeshed together. In a sense it is about the entitlement of a small child who doesn't know how to grow up. The child cries and cries about being alone and then once picked up and carried cries and cries to get free. In a sense BPD's don't know how to get what they want- but between these two polar opposites is intense *yearning* which is obsessive.
What you are experiencing in the aftermath of a break-up is also yearning, but it swings from *hope* to *uncertainty* which causes obsessive thought. Dorothy Tennov calls this the state of "limerance." Limerance is often brought into object relations theory as an infatuation for an object.
It's really about objectification of an object and what the object can do for you- but stay with me here and let me explain:
Mirroring reenacts childhood dynamics of Mother's gaze. That's when you <<feel>> most loved as an infant. Your tiny brain is growing quickly and very plastic and trying to make sense of the feelings from Mother's gaze. Our tiny brains sort out and file the feeling away where it remains until the adult brain can recall it at a later time.
When a BPD mirrors in order to attach to us, they reactivate this coda from childhood. When the BPD goes away they take with them the catalyst for the activation- and this creates a tremendous, obsessive desire for their return. Tennov calls this being in a state of limerance with the BPD being your "limerant object."
When your limerant object goes away with someone else- you obsess over the idea that you will never feel this way again *and* you maintain a vigil of hope balanced against uncertainty. The more hope, the less uncertainty. The more uncertainty, the less hope. You can see how this might create a OCD like thought process of obsessive evaluation. One can scan for clues by checking the daily barometer of the ex-partner's new relationship which only fuels the obsession. Facebook, google, etc. etc.
Comparing oneself to the new partner: are you greater than or less than? In your mind the answer gives you either hope or uncertainty and keeps you deep in the obsessive limerance toward the return of your limerant object.
Tennov did research on the many destructive tendencies of people in limerance. It's intrusive cognitive components, the obsessional quality that may feel voluntary but yet defies control are aspects of the state of limerance. Limerance is an involuntary state- so when well meaning friends and family tell you to *get over it* and just move on - they aren't addressing how to solve the infatuation that remains like a flu.
Most people suffering from limerance agreed that they might not have put so much energy into hope for their limerant object's return if they knew success was impossible from the start- but they couldn't be made to feel any other way until they realized that Borderlines LIVE in limerant FANTASY. That fantasy world is an escape and Borderlines use it to shirk personal responsibility. Limerance expects understanding (often in the form of an apology from the limerant object.) Again, this is fantasy. Do not hold out hope for one.
Realize that limerance is involuntary. It will only fade if you let hope fizzle for your limerant object's return and place a certain boundary that stops the uncertainty. Easier said than done, but necessary if you want to heal. Cry. Kick a Can. Feel terrible. As Tennov writes: " Recognize too, that once the gates of your limerant object's mind are closed on someone else- and against you- the hope you need to fuel your own passion must run dry. With this recognition you may end your limerance and reconstruct your life." Hope this helps.
