1 day before solicitor's appointment and non stop emails

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My story https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=226857.0

Tomorrow's the day to talk divorce with the solicitor.

I've received non stop emails from him about how he did everything because of the family.

and mainly being a control freak ( my own words) about money was for the future and for our own good.

I know that I should ignore them but I had to let it out.

The last email I replied something about this is final and that its too late.

I'm done. "Its crazy, you threaten divorce so many times,. if it doesn't happen then will it mean that all those times that you threatened me and made me sad and emotionless, you didn't mean it?"

He said that he will fight. I dunno if he meant with his own solicitor or fight for the family to be back again?

His emails are very vague.

eg. "I struggle not to reply to your points because I do think there's a small possibility you'll see something that makes you realise it could be different. I guess I'll give up one day, but for now... . "

and then paragraphs of monologue or how he is the Angel.

It just feels like he's going to print the email out to show to the judge or the solicitor what a gentlemen he was.

my replies are crude but tactful... . about how I had enough of begging to stay in my own house, or begging for him to stop shouting... . etc

[Not normal]

My story https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=226857.0

Tomorrow's the day to talk divorce with the solicitor.

I've received non stop emails from him about how he did everything because of the family.

and mainly being a control freak ( my own words) about money was for the future and for our own good.

I know that I should ignore them but I had to let it out.

The last email I replied something about this is final and that its too late.

I'm done. "Its crazy, you threaten divorce so many times,. if it doesn't happen then will it mean that all those times that you threatened me and made me sad and emotionless, you didn't mean it?"

He said that he will fight. I dunno if he meant with his own solicitor or fight for the family to be back again?

His emails are very vague.

eg. "I struggle not to reply to your points because I do think there's a small possibility you'll see something that makes you realise it could be different. I guess I'll give up one day, but for now... . "

and then paragraphs of monologue or how he is the Angel.

It just feels like he's going to print the email out to show to the judge or the solicitor what a gentlemen he was.

my replies are crude but tactful... . about how I had enough of begging to stay in my own house, or begging for him to stop shouting... . etc

[Not normal]

I'm not strong enough.,... he's words are lingering in my head... guilt is extremely high,

he's claiming that im breaking up a family that could have a happy ending... .

He also expressed that if im heading with a solicitor, hes going to engage his own to fight it out till the end. he has the money but I don't. and in my country I cant claim the fees from him as I'm employed.

He's putting on the conditions to make my life hell... .

When I put the condition that he is not allowed to throw me and son out of the house, he cannot promise if I buy another designer item, with my own savings... . he will throw me out again... . Help... .

[AwakenedOne]

Help... .

Could one of the knowledgeable senior members/mods help her please?

[talithacumi]

I am definitely NOT one of the more knowledgeable board members here, but I can definitely hear and relate to the anguish, uncertainty, and fear in your message, notnormal.

It is okay not to be sure about what you need/want right now. One, the other, or both of you were obviously having enough problems/trouble in your relationship to decide that you couldn't live together anymore. That decision may have taken care of some of those problems/trouble, but obviously it also created some new ones that you're both having trouble sorting out/dealing with. You're still in contact with your ex - which provides both of you with the opportunity to communicate your hurt, confusion, frustration, resentment, anger, insecurity, and fear about what's happening to one another. And, given the feelings you have for each other that both brought you together in the first place, and kept you together all this time, you're both still very much effected by all the things you say/do to one another.

I will be honest. It doesn't sound, from your message, like you're absolutely certain you want to end this relationship forever by getting divorced. It sounds to me like you're still very emotionally enmeshed with your ex, and have the need/desire/hope of finding a way to work out the problems you have that make your relationship so difficult/unhappy, but don't know how to make that happen so feel divorce - or the threat of divorce - is your only real option of effecting any kind of substantive change in your situation this point.

I think you should at least consider trying to get your ex to agree to going NC for a set length of time first - with the understanding that you both need to calm down and stop reacting to how threatened you feel by everything that's already happened - that there's no need to hurry and make a final decision about what either one of you need/want to do - that you owe it to one another to have the time/space free from one another's immediate influence to figure out how you really feel about one another as well as the relationship/life you've been sharing - to get professional help if you need it to figure that out - and that you can even set a date to end NC, exchange emails about what you've discovered or even meet in a neutral setting to discuss it in person if you feel comfortable doing so.

I suggest this primarily so that you find the certainty I feel you not only need, but actually deserve to find before you make such a big decision ... . and because I don't believe you have the time, energy, focus, concentration, freedom from distractions/fear, or distance to do that given the kind of interactions you're still having with your ex.

Just something to consider.

Not everything is a crisis. Not everything is a catastrophy. Not everything is black and white. Not everything has to be rushed into/done immediately. Feeling uncomfortable/frightened/hurt/bad isn't intolerable - it won't kill you OR your partner - no matter how much either one of you believe/feel/think/say it will.

Deep breath. You're going to get through this. Promise.

- TC

[GreenMango]

Not normal when situations get heated like this it's really best to take what a person with a mental illness says regarding their interpretations of the law and their perceptions of their own behavior with a grain of salt.  They seem to have a pretty skewed version of reality ... . it doesn'tneed to be yours.

Have you checked out the divorce process and conditions with your own attorney or is this appointment going to be the first one?   It may look a lot different than he believes or is saying.  At the end of the day his threats are those of a desperate man.  Saying whatever he thinks will change the tide.  What you find out from the attorney will probably influence your decision on many things from here on out - like moving, support, etc.

Second thing is to minimize your exposure to his crap.  Stop answering the ffight picking emails and engaging his emotional tantrums.  It just reinforces him sending these epic diatribes.  Keep it about business if you have to answer.  Business only.

have you posted on the family law board?

[Not normal]

Thank you for your kind responses talithacumi and green mango, awake none.

We had been apart for 2 months earlier this year. Initiated by me as he went berserk at me and son screaming at 130 am as I locked the bedroom door. Thereafter I begged for us to stay low key in the bedroom and he won't let me. He said out we go! Went to a marriage counselor once after that and he refused to take the advice of the counselor.

After he drew a large plan for the future and finally apologized for screaming at us. I decided to give it a last chance.

Everything was ok for a month. I nearly unpacked and he kicked me and s4 out again... . just because I mumbled while asleep that I agree to divorce. He told me to pack and leave the next day.

And if I didn't he will deliberately scream at me in front of son so that he knows that we re fighting.

How we met was an accident.

I take a lot of the blame of letting it come so far as I didn't know how to set boundaries . There weren't any. After reflecting about the past 4 years I have rewarded him with every single abuse by returning back to him.

He threaten divorce since over 2 years ago... . never ever means it as he doesn't speak to any one professional whereas I did my research and know my legal rights.

He also has not contributed any monies to me and son since I started work 2.5years ago. Step 1 is to recover some money through the courts... . and divorce is the separate issue.

After letting it out here... . and reading some other members experiences it seems like leaving and running fast is the way to go.

Yet while the appointment was today. I lost my voice and my son is badly ill and can't attend school. I post phoned it till next week. It is a first appointment with them. I'm so codependent and weak. That isn't love.

A few second thought Went past through my mind while preparing for lunch.

What if he promised in writing never to throw me out again? Or if he promised me never to mention divorce? Or to get into regular marriage counseling?  Or promise my own religious space?

I do understand that it's a lifetime of dealing with him if he doesn't get full control... eg over money , sex, son, house... . basically he wants a stepford wife that feels happy that her husband wants her. And she doesn't get to chose the kitchen or car. He decides... . cos he pays... . This guy has such low self esteem that he gets it from money control and sex. No sex equals I don't love him. Or I'm cheating on him... .

Sorry... . my mind is delusioned and all over the place... .

[iluminati]

It's clear from his behaviors, if not his words, that he needs you around, and will do anything to keep you around and listen to his dictates.  The question for you is what are you going to do?

[Not normal]

I'm not sure... . I was sure at first... . n after yesterday's emails I was ducked into the ensure zone again... .

My friends explain how the taste of freedom and happiness will feel like once it's over. .

I'm worried about finances of being alone.

I read his emails again n he left it as the ball is in my court.

Trying to think logic. ... which dun applies to him. . He'll be close to retirement when son is 16. I'll still be in the Workforce.

I wrote a list of things that must happen and agreed immediately if not I will not reconsider. .but didn't send it to him as I know that he will not agree.just to show his pride and power over me.