Its not about the issue, the issue is just tangible words to express untangible feelings.
Dont try to fix the issue, address her mood. Trying to fix issues like this to her means you are not noticing her emotions.
BPD meltdowns cant be expressed appropriately in words by someone experiencing them, so it comes out in the form of dysregulated chaos.
Waverider, I need to remember this. Yesterday's issue was, am having a hard time remembering, about me asking why she has not set up the voicemail on her phone (this has been going on for about 8 months, no voicemail). I made two comments about it, back to back, about my frustration, and it was ON LIKE DONKEY KONG.
She accused me of ruining her fine day she was having and said she was completely centered until I came home and messed it all up. I validated and stated I would not bring up the voicemail issue again. It really was not about the voicemail and she was able to quickly bring it under control (only about 10 minutes) and it did not ruin our evening like it might have a couple of months ago.
She is in therapy (not for BPD, does not think she has it, has not been formally diagnosed) and we are in couples therapy. I was able to speak in attachment language and validate and try to get to the bottom of what she was feeling and she was able to stop the flooding and get back to center.
This is a learning process for me. I could have made that situation ruin the entire evening because of the way she was speaking to me, if I had gone with her delivery instead of the dysregulation underneath and the need for connection with me.
Me focusing on connecting with her and listening to her distress, validating that and supporting her need for connection with me, I believe, is what calmed it down last night. We will see, have a vacation coming up this week, complete chaos will ensue. I hope to be able to keep my cool.
