Is my ex BPD?

[Holla5150]

She presents very well.  She is very charming, very funny, smart, and attractive.  Everyone seems to like her.  My parents included.

She has said she never wants to hurt anyone’s feelings.  Since we have parted ways, she said that when she would talk to me about something that upset her, I got mad.  She said after that she kept it all in (her anger).

I told her very early on that I probably did not want any more kids.  At the time, she said it was okay, and we continued to date.   And it progressed.

It moved very quickly.  We worked 100 feet from each other.  Frequent phone calls throughout the day, frequent texts.  She often told me how wonderful I was, I was an amazing man, etc.  It seemed like we were in love.

After about 5 months, she broke it off because she wanted to have a child with me.  By this time, she had met my parents, and spent time with my daughter.  My daughter really liked her.  It was sad, but we stopped seeing each other outside of work, and stopped having sex.  However, she was still very “clingy” at work, visiting my cube, calling, texting.  Shortly after we “broke up” she started dating a guy she broke it off with a year or so ago who had continued to pursue her over the past year.  He, unlike me, had no commitments - he was available to her 24/7.  Me, having split custody, and also being a musician, did not have this kind of time to spend with her.

About a month  or two after, I had felt like I missed her greatly and I had processed the idea of having a child and came to the conclusion that I would consider it.  I called her, and told her I wanted to make it work.  I’d be willing to have a kid.  It took about a month, but she eventually broke it off with this other guy and took up with me again.  She said he needed to grow up, and they were not able to joke around like her and I can.  During this time she spent quite a bit of money carpeting her basement and putting in new windows.  She also really quickly got a roommate - she said she regretted this decision when we started dating again.  Impulsive.

We started dating again, and it really became intense very quickly.  She frequently texted me things about marriage, where we would live, what vacations we would take - she would talk about how after we had a baby we could take my daughter on a separate vacation so that she would not feel left out from the new baby.  This made me fall hard for her as it seemed very thoughtful of her to think of my daughter. She would look online at houses we could live in/buy.   I can’t really recall exactly, but I think these texts may have been exchanged before we had even been out on a date since she decided to come back and date me.  The texts were very frequent, usually lasting all day, greeting me in the morning.  She would tell me I’m amazing, she loved me, I’m the most amazing man she’s ever met, etc.  I ate it up.  Heroin!  Constantly feeding me.  She would sometimes mention anxiety about me being 14 years older, that i would die first, etc.

After a few weeks, she called me on a Saturday before she was to come over and spend some time and spend the night with me.  After about a half hour of talking about the fact I don’t drink, and she enjoys a couple beers with friends, the conversation ended with us being over.  She said she did not intend it to be that way, but based on her talking about wanting to share that with a partner (going to friends’ bonfire and having a couple beers) - I said I’d go to the bonfire, but I wouldn’t drink.  It seemed like a  please read               |ty way to get out - I haven’t drank in 14 years - she knows that’s not really negotiable.

We talked a couple days later, and she said her intention when having that conversation was not to break up.  I also felt like I responded emotionally and pinned her in a corner.  So - we started back up.  One day at the home improvement store, she noticed a man that caught her eye and she said “hmmmm, who’s that?”  in a sort of “I’d like to get with him” sort of way.  I mistakenly did not acknowledge that I was hurt by that, but it was very odd.

Not long after (a week, two, not really sure) at a lunch she basically had told me she felt like she needed to see what else is out there.  However, two days later, she wanted to make all kinds of plans with me.  A trip to Marco island, weekend plans, run a half marathon, etc.  When I asked if she felt like she still needed to see what else is out there, she said “no, you’re everything I’ve always wanted in a man”.   

Somewhere along all of this, she had told her family, and one of our co-workers that she was going to marry me.  Soon after, she became obsessed with having a baby.  She would text me baby emoji throughout the day with hearts next to them.  She would tell me that we could have unprotected sex and I could get her pregnant.

Then, one day, when my daughter’s softball game when later than usual on a night we were going to cook dinner, she broke it off over the phone.  She said I could still come over and have dinner!  And said she wanted to be friends.  She wanted everything to remain the same in our relationship but no sex and no long term commitment.

I was shocked.  She was surprised that I was shocked.  She said that it was always something with my schedule - my daughter, my music.  I had told her I was willing to pare back my music schedule and work on it so we could have more time.  But it was done for her.  It’s if she just flipped a switch.  She texted me a couple hours later talking about how the food came out.  The next day the texts were her obsessed with having breast implants.  She said she wanted them to feel sexy.  It's as if nothing happened the night before.

Thankfully we work in different buildings now.

She recently contacted me because I had lunch with old co workers and she was jealous that she could not be a part of me making them laugh.

I have communicated with her and learned that she was resentful of my daughter some of the time, and resentful of my music schedule.  She said she was mad quite a bit of the time while we were dating, but she kept it in, and tried to be the "cool" girlfriend.  But she never really voiced these things to me until 3 weeks after she broke it off.  I have learned that she is cutting down a large tree in her yard because she is afraid it will fall on her house and kill her.

This was very traumatic for me in that I was emotionally invested in becoming married again and having a child - completing a family for my daughter.  In hindsight, I see this would not have worked.  It would likely have been a disaster.

Her history:

Mom is out of the picture, has been for years.  Mom was a drug addict, and dad got full custody when they were 6-7 years old.  She was raised by her grandparents and dad.  Dad is a practicing alcoholic who I believe has never stopped drinking.  A happy drunk, who drinks beer pretty much all day unless he’s forced not to.

She abused alcohol in college, and a few years post college.  On one occasion, she got really drunk when we were not dating for a month or two.  She recently mentioned getting drunk and being hung over all weekend (2 weeks ago).  She has been prescribed Ritalin (which she said makes her really quiet) and an SSRI, which she does not take.  A couple years back she got pregnant when she ran out of birth control pills by a married man and had an abortion.

She has described herself as 100% lovable, and without flaw.  post breakup she has essentially said it’s over because we are at two different points in our lives.  She’s 29, no kids, never married.  She needs someone who can commit more time to her (though she had that with the guy she saw while we were broke up the first time, and didn’t want it).  It's as if she doesn't want a relationship that works

.  While we were together, I told her lets give it a year, give it a chance, work on it, etc.  I’d pare back my music, etc.  We never really strung enough time together to give it a chance - the exception was the first 5 months.  After that it got pretty weird.

Hard to grasp - I saw her recently when I had to go back to my old building and it incredibly weird.  She seems so sweet and innocent and charming, and inside I feel incredible anxiety and discomfort.

---I wonder if it's BPD, or just emotionally unstable... . is BPD a spectrum?  She didn't ever rage out at me like some of the stuff i've read. Anyway, reading this, it's insane that I can be so blind.  Younger, attractive, great sex - all ego feeding  please read               |.  I'm grateful to be out of it.  Though I imagine she will contact me off and on when she feels then need.  My choice to engage.

[Blimblam]

I am no expert but it is a spectrum.  My ex BPD gf never raged either.  She did however devalue me to no end almost destroying me.  

She sounds very manipulative though.  I know that feeling of feeling like it wasn't given a fair chance to work, if only... .  The thing is BPD or not if you are the only one making efforts is it really worth it?  Also if you want to make it work you can not take any more of her crap.  She is breaking you down. You wound up here that in itself speaks volumes.

The thing I realized in the through the fog is mine also gave me a good roadmap.  She told me things like "its all in me head," but she would also do messed up stuff and tell me that I was paranoid and imagining it.  I realized the fantasy she had me build up was in my head and its hard to break that spell.  

When my  BPD exgf would tell me these things like "maybe [ I] shouldn't love [her] and expect it to go anywhere" she was right!  It is just so hard to conceive after you have commited and made so many changes in your life to make things work.  It seems so callous to follow the directions they give you sometimes.  On the plus side if you can make that switch mentally this is what you will have.  A fantasy girl that you do not posses.  That is what she is proposing its like a dream come true if you never fell in love right?  When she tells you those things that don't seem to fit with what you got built up in your head listen to her and act accordingly, if you can't then whats the point?  If you dismiss it and think things like "if only... . " you are in for a world of pain and she will resent you for it.  

In any case she doesn't sound like long term relationship material. SHe sounds manipulative and dangerous and you are compromising who you are for her while she proposes the screw other dudes. F*** THAT! right?

[LA4610]

I would say this woman has major issues, but it doesn't sound like BPD. BPD or not, you should get yourself away from her.

[Turkish]

Hello Holla5150, welcome to the site, welcome to the board!

Blimblam is right, the behaviors lie on a spectrum. While many of our Exes may be subclinical, the BPD behaviors are what brought us here. Truthfully, your r/s may not have been long enough to trigger more traits. It took me until after our second child for my uBPDx to really deteriorate, though in retrospect, signs were there from our first date (push-pull). The object constancy (constant texting, which can telegraph abandonment fears and attachment issues) was there a month before that. Actually, my first impression of seeing my pretty waif from across a room for the first time was "she has social anxiety, doesn't trust people." 6.5 years later, here I am... .

Its good that you are in different buildings now. She may indeed recycle like last time, but with an emotionally immature person, one can't cont on stability. Check these out (the second is one of my favorites here and may also answer one of your other questions):

US: "Relationship Recycling" - What is it?

Emotional Immaturity

It's hard as men to discern natural maternal desire for a child as opposed to the need for a validation/love machine which children are until they mature. My uBPDx was desperate to have a baby (she wanted unprotected sex the first time and we'd only been "dating" as friends for two months). I resisted for a year, then caved after our first and only recycle. When S4 (son age 4) was S2, she wanted another. I resisted as I didn't think she could handle it emotionally. I knew if I didn't acquiesce, however, that she would leave me. The pressure of a second young child eventually resulted in her detaching, in addition to an external trigger in her family. I paid more attention to the kids than her (I had to). In truth, I wasn't perfect, but our r/s experienced exponential decay on both our sides. To sum up, I remained faithful; she did not (while I was home taking care of a baby and a toddler no less). "I wasn't ready for this r/s!" She wrote in one of her "leaving" journals. Indeed.

pwBPD (people with BPD) suffer from an intense fear of abandonment, a fragmented identity, a core sense if shame, and an inability to regulate their emotions. The so called " high functioning" ones can be especially frustrating, as they can control their behaviors in front of others to an extent, but once in an intimate r/s, the behaviors come out.  I was so focused on her anger and her depression  that it took me a long time to realize that love is also an emotion, which helped me depersonalize how quickly and cruelly she discarded the father if her children. I don't know if you found these articles, but they may be helpful to you:

Article 1: How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves

Article 9: Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering From BPD

Take care, Holla, we've got a great group of people here to support you.

Turkish

[Blimblam]

Turkish,

man I am so glad I didn't have a kid with mine.  I am sorry to hear how she did that while ur home taking care of the kids.  That must hurt so bad. 

[momtara]

Definitely sounds like she at least has some of the traits - blaming you for things that aren't your fault, setting up impossible scenarios, falling hard and fast, wanting to be with multiple people.  Yes, her story sounds similar to a lot of people here.

I know it's intoxicating to have a woman like her so into you.  And it's sweet that you wanted a mom for your daughter.  But you are dodging a bullet.  If these things are happenign before marriage, you'd really be trapped after marriage.  A lot of men on here lose most of their parenting time to their BPD exes who manipulate the system. 

You can't always be the one tiptoeing, apologizing, and worrying you did something wrong.  Let's say you DO do something wrong - is that not allowed in a relationship?  Your biggest sins are wanting to spend some time with your daughter, and not drinking.  Those are things most women would admire in you.

It's too hard to be afraid all the time, afraid if you do one thing your partner doesn't like, she'll leave.  No one should have to live that way.  Many on this board do live that way.  They have boxed themselves in and can't do anything on their own for fear it will trigger their wife/husband to go bonkers or leave.

I know she is intoxicating.  But you're a single dad and you seem pretty bright.  There are better things out there for you, it just may take a while.