How do I get myself out of this mess?

[Love Is Not Enough]

I am not really even sure what to title this thread. There is a lot of background to this, but I will do my best to keep it short.

So basically my gf's best friend is a lesbian that is currently unhappily married and I am a little bit suspicious about their rs. I have had a few things happen that I do not want to waste a ton of time writing about that make me feel this way. I am sick to death of analyzing everything anyway. My gf has claimed that she has never been in a rs with a woman and would never want to, but of course she has lied to me about many things that have to do with her past. I also do not feel that this type of rs would be entirely out of her realm of possibilities.

They are very close and I am also friends with this woman. I like her as a person and she has told me that she appreciates that I am respectful towards her. She is attractive and she has had husbands of other friends say inappropriate things within earshot of her. I do not feel that I am jealous, but some of the things that have happened concern me and I would hate to see the rs end over an impulsive mistake. I have already set a firm boundary about cheating and I will leave the rs if it happens. I know that my gf usually attaches closely to only a couple of people at a time (common I know with BPD) so I have accepted it and am glad that she has a close friend. We have discussed their closeness before and she has assured me that nothing inappropriate is going on. My gf's words mean little to me, but I do not think anything is going on. An emotional affair would be the worst of it I think. I do believe her friend is attracted to her and their coworkers have also commented on it. So I am not alone in my observation.

I hope that was enough background information. I have wanted to post about it before, but it just seems like too much sometimes.

So... . This morning my gf starts telling me how a coworker invited her to lunch. We normally have lunch together on Fridays and I have eaten with her coworkers before  a few times. So nothing way out of the ordinary. Then a few minutes in she mentions her close friend and it just sort of caught my attention. Then I made the mistake of asking why she didn't mention her sooner. I felt my tone was quizzical and not aggressive. What I got back was a very serious response that she didn't tell me about her because she is secretly in love with her and they are having an affair. I think she intended it to sound sarcastic, but it came off sounding very sincere. I only responded ok. I was furious, but I just calmly walked away to do something else so I could calm down. The last few times we have any sort of confrontational talk I seem to react very strongly to it and go almost immediately into a silent rage. I have been using DBT to stay calm. We finished getting the kids ready to go and headed out. Of course she doesn't say anything.

Looking back on it now I felt like she had some kind of hidden agenda. Maybe she did not want me to go so she could have some girl time, which is fine with me. I just wish she had started out with that. It just felt like she was working her way up to it and it made it feel suspicious. I really doubt there is anything to be suspicious about, making this all the more ridiculous.

Then I get a text about 30 minutes later actually apologizing to me. We couldn't talk because I was in a meeting, but the apology shocked me. Then I told her I appreciated her apology and was upset because I felt she had been disrespectful. Then I made the mistake of saying she would have questioned me in a similar situation. Then she childishly responds that if it was (male name) and not (friend's name) THEN I would have a reason to be suspicious. I didn't respond.

Then she sends a frustrated face to me after 3 hours which I responded to that everything was fine and we could talk later. Then I asked how her day is going so far and I seemed to have diverted it for now.

I really do not have any interest in discussing it any further. I feel it will open Pandora's box so to speak. I have some information that gives credence to my suspicions from awhile back before I got full control over my snooping. The other things that have happened we have already discussed and I do not feel like my gf was being honest about it. I feel like I will drag all of this out, tell her I don't believe anything she says and end up starting WWIII over nothing.

So after all of this how do I get myself out of this mess? I really do not want to validate the invalid - that just because her friend is a woman means I should not have any suspicions. I also do not want to drag out all of my useless "evidence" that she will just gloss over and deny. HELP!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[OnceConfused]

You might have to hit it head on. You can sit down with her and tell her that

"(1) you are sorry for making that statement because that would violate the trust between you two, (2) You ask for her forgiveness and (3) it will not happen again.

If she is sincere and truthful about the situation then she would accept it in front of you and move on.

Your question here underlies a much more serious issues between the 2 of you, namely TRUST. This must be iron out or your r/s is heading toward an inevitable demise.  I assume your r/s with her will ultimately heading toward a marriage. In our culture, the marriage is honored based on monogamous assumption and belief. People share secrets to each other. THe trust has to be there. If you walk around believing that she might cheat on you (based on whatever the past experiences were), then may I ask why do you want to be in such a r.s, with someone with whom you are contanstly watching over your shouders?

I was married for 22 years to my late wife, with whom I had no fear that she would cheat on me. Then I met xBPDgf about 7 years ago. This girl has had many bfs (mostly 6 months each), and while she was with me, she was still in contact with the xs and continued to drop hints that she was avalaible. SHe even told me that as long as there was no exchange of bodily fluid, everything was fine. Well, I just could not see myself waking around for the next 30 yrs of my life, waiting and wondering when the shoes was going to drop. I left her.

It might be an uncomfortable question to ask your gf about her tendency to cheat either with a man or a woman, but you can usually trust your intuition. If your intuition tells you that she cheats then I think that is the reality of it.

[Love Is Not Enough]

Your question here underlies a much more serious issues between the 2 of you, namely TRUST.

This is very true and it is something that I struggle with. She also does not trust me, although this has more to do with her insecurities than with any action of mine. I have a lot more freedom during the day while working than she does and this is her main focus whenever I bring anything about fidelity. It's always "you could be doing anything with anyone". Her visiting her exNPDbf 18 months ago pretty much destroyed any trust I had in her. Although I know nothing physically happened, it made me feel like I was second to him. All the little lies before did not help either, but I understood she has a hard time being open because of shame. So I have done my best to accept the situation as it is, but I really have no idea how I will ever really trust her again.

Well, I just could not see myself waking around for the next 30 yrs of my life, waiting and wondering when the shoes was going to drop. I left her.

Yeah, honestly I think this is what eats at me the most. I would have left already if it wasn't for SD3 and SD5. I have grown really close to them and they see me as their father. Their bio father is not involved and I have seen first hand what they go through without me their to stabilize and buffer. I really want to try everything before throwing in the towel. As long as my gf does not violate my fidelity boundary I will continue to work on the rs.

I stayed with my BPD-like ex wife for a year after she cheated on me and tried to work things out through counseling. Things seemed to be going fine and then one day I just told her I wasn't happy and I walked out. I may end up doing the same thing here.

Update on my situation: So something is wrong with my phone and it is not accepting calls, but text messages are still working. She tried to call me when she got off of work, but of course she couldn't get through. She finally did after an hour and flipped out on me. I asked why she didn't text me, but of course she wouldn't answer. She said she ate lunch by herself and was going home. She claims she told me this morning she was not going to lunch with her coworkers at all. I swear she did not tell me this. If she did I didn't hear it. So now I'm heading home into the dysregulated 9th circle of hell. Happy father's day to me.

[formflier]

I have tried really hard to keep the r/s out of text messaging.

She text bombs me about stuff... and I don't respond.  It made things better.

So I will only text about grocery list items and other "factual" coordination of things.

[Love Is Not Enough]

I have tried really hard to keep the r/s out of text messaging.

Excellent advice. I try to stick to this, but over time if she is doing well I always get sucked back in to feeling comfortable texting and then when things get bad she expects me to. Luckily in this situation it worked out ok, but I am going to really work on a stronger boundary about this.

Update on my original situation: So she starts all the childish games and goes to picks up the kids from daycare before me without telling me. I go in to get the kids and look like an idiot when I find out they are not there. This upset me and I went home to the silent treatment. She pretended I wasn't there but did make me dinner. After we put the girls to bed she did talk a little during the show we watched. The evening was very difficult for me and the stress from all of this was killing me. I have acid reflux issues and all of this was making my stomach hurt really badly. I was very upset and thinking about ending the rs, but just couldn't wrap my mind around how the children would fare without me. I was angry about the games and just went to sleep without telling her goodnight. She got mad and slept on the loveseat in the living room.

I woke up and decided I was sick of feeling anxious so I went out and told her I was upset because she picked up the kids without telling me. I asked her why she didn't let me know and about some other events that occurred yesterday. She had some childish answer for everything that put most of it back on me. Then she accused me of doing the same. I realized at this point I am the only adult in the house so I sucked it up and apologized so that we could get back to a semi-normal household.

Update on her BFF: So now that she is speaking to me again I find out that her lesbian friend has told her wife to move out within the next two weeks. I also find out that her friend is helping make my father's day gift. All very interesting.

Lessons learned:

I am the only adult in the rs. Forget about fairness, or whatever hangup I have, and be more direct early on. Physically I can't handle the stress of long-term conflict anymore.

Do not ask questions. Or do a better job pre-qualifying them for triggers. I am going to start running them through my head twice now before they come out of my mouth. Especially when they have to do with things like her "friend".

Pick my battles better. If I am going to ask something triggering then I am going to make sure I am ready for the stress of the conflict. I don't like surprises very much.

I guess that about wraps this mess up for the time being. I hope everyone has a great rest of their weekend 

[formflier]

 

Hang in there!   

I found it easy to not text about "bad" things... .

Then she would text me about looking sexy... . or some other thing which most guys would go "yeah!" and respond to. 

I started ignoring those as well.

Made sure all my texts to her were "functional"... .

And I would respond if she had a functional request.


I would rephrase your use of "only adult in house".  You are currently the only one that can change.

My guess is that if you could have worked through feelings about looking bad for going to day care... . came home and mentioned that to her in an even manner... . and then went on with things... . the evening may have gone better.

I would stay away from apologizing "just to keep the peace".  Your feelings are just as valid as hers.

Have a good weekend... . hang in there.!

[Love Is Not Enough]

My guess is that if you could have worked through feelings about looking bad for going to day care... . came home and mentioned that to her in an even manner... . and then went on with things... . the evening may have gone better.

I would stay away from apologizing "just to keep the peace".  Your feelings are just as valid as hers.

Have a good weekend... . hang in there.!

I think you are absolutely right. I should have mustered up the courage to do it soon after arriving home. I do agree with you about the apologizing just to keep the peace. I am going to be more aware of that. Thanks again and I will!