How do you make healthy friendships?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I feel like I go through an unhealthy spiral with friends.  How do you cope?  And the big question:  How do you make healthy friendships?

Thanks!

[kookaburra13]

I feel like I go through an unhealthy spiral with friends.  How do you cope?  And the big question:  How do you make healthy friendships?

Thanks!

[HappyChappy]

Great question. There's a famous book called "How to win friends and influence people" which I found useful. But it’s an oldie. In short it's hard to answer your question without knowing you well, so non of below may apply to you. But one rule I recetly picked up, is expect people to treat you they way you treat them. In short, give and expect respect from others. A BPD has no respect - so cuts them out straigh away.

I kept out of my BPD household by always having a good and loyal network of friends. So luckly I've always had very loyal and helpful friends. My Sis and bro didn't escape the house and both struggle - in fact I'm not aware either has had a good friend yet (they're middle aged). Although my sister has a good husband.

I think the issues we have as ACORNs are:

*We don't trust people as much as we should. So we may not share information, in a way

that builds trust and confidence etc... .

*We can be over sensitive to what they say and do. No one likes being taken the wrong way.

*We can appear low self esteem ( bit desperate ). Confidence inspires confidence.

All of the above, are unattractive to most people. However some people will pick up on the low self esteem and take advantage. That can lead to unhealthy relationships. My sis, for example, is full of love for people and she make wonderful cards and gifts. So on the face of it, you wonder why she's always let down and never had a close friend (that I know of).

But all this gushing and praising she seams needy   . I expect no one has ever explained this to her, as she's so sensitive to criticism   . I certainly wouldn't. Yet she's a lovely person... .

But Kookaburra13, I don't know if any of the above applies to you - but I do know that I tend to make the first move, as that way I select my future relationships, rather than letting them pick me out. If I allowed that to happen - I'd be a BPD magnet, I expect.

[StarStruck]

Hi kookaburra13 - very slowly and look for red flags (read up) for any PD's! an old saying try and sort the wheat from the chaff.

You discern who you have in your life, not the other way around... . and really importantly use your gut instinct, don't deny what its telling you  

Meeting people through an interest you love is a good start I think. If you don't know what you love, find it.

[Turkish]

I feel like I go through an unhealthy spiral with friends.  How do you cope?  And the big question:  How do you make healthy friendships?

Thanks!

Have you ever consciously defined your core values? I've found that my long term friends and I share these. I'm not talking about hobbies or interests, though those can certainly bring people together. What do you value about yourself that you can value in others?

[Ziggiddy]

kookaburra this is an excellent question and by asking it you show that you are thinking about how to improve your choices which is a big step in your own self honesty and self development. Congratulations on having the courage to question your choices!

Turkish makes an excellent point in how defining core values is really the key to understanding what you want from a friendship. By assessing your boundaries you discover what you are willing to give to a friendship.

I used to always base my desire for friendship on one thing - did I like them? That used to be enough. Now I am learning that if I like someone a lot, quickly and for no special reason that's almost certainly a .

Friendships are built on common interests and respect for each other's views.

Have you had a read of the article "Believe in yourself?" Although the whole of it may not be relevant to you, you might possibly find some useful tools to help you decide what things to look for and what to avoid in your friendships

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=78298.0

You may also want to explore the message board that discusses boundaries to help strengthen yourself from falling into unhealthy 'friendships' again in the future. I have often found that the best kind of friends kind of show up while you're in the middle of doing something you like!

Best of luck on your journey.

[Turkish]

You may also want to explore the message board that discusses boundaries to help strengthen yourself from falling into unhealthy 'friendships' again in the future. I have often found that the best kind of friends kind of show up while you're in the middle of doing something you like!

Best of luck on your journey.

Do you mean this one? BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

"A healthy relationship is sometimes described as an “inter-dependent” relationship of two “independent” people. Regardless of the type of relationship, we all come to it with values that we intend to honor and defend regardless of the nature of the relationship - these are known as core values or independent values - this is what defines us."

"Boundaries are how we define our values to others.   A boundary is nothing more than the outer perimeters of our independent core values -  it's like a fence  - anything inside the boundary is consistent with our core values and anything outside the boundary is not.  For example, if your independent core value is "always to be respectful of others" a boundary question might be "would abruptly walking out of the room when someone says something offensive be inside or outside of your definition of this value?"  It's not always obvious - we all see things differently.  As you can quickly see, with values, we have a significant responsibility to lead, educate and inform others - we must walk the walk, have effective communication and be consistent."

I'll confess on not being good at this last one (my uBPDx's "You're a bad communicator!". I tend to be a passive observer too much, and let even a few close friends walk over me sometimes.

Interestingly, I've talked to my mom about boundaries now, because she's  had all sorts of dysfunctional friends (her Rescuer behaviors) that have caused turmoil in her life.

[Ziggiddy]

hahaa! Thank you Turkish! I didn't realise we were 'on the same page'. Heheh. ( see what I did there?)

[jmanvo2015]

Thank you for this thread.  I've just learned a lot in a few paragraphs.  Ziggiddy - I really like what you say , "If I like someone a lot, quickly, and for no special reason that's almost certainly a red flag!" I never thought of that, but how true!

And HappyChappy, the things you've said are very hepful too.  I do believe that confidence, or lack of it, has a profound affect on the friends I've attracted in my life and I definitely also qualify as being waaaay too sensitive.

[funfunctional]

Hi Kookaburro,

One great thing about life is that there are always friends in the making.  The potential is always there to make new friends.    

I had some issues making new friends when I moved.   Didn't have this issue since high school and felt like I was thrown back in time.  I realized a lot of it had to do with my own comfort level but also the other people's comfort level with me.

1)  :)on't try to hard or have any expectatios... .let it flow naturally

2)  Be positive... .enjoy listening to the other person but also sharing part of yourself with them.   I tend to do the TMI at first so I have to make boundaries for myself in keeping things that are too private to myself until I know someone a long time.

3)  Common hobbies, activities and interests are always big

4)  Make sure you are not friending people that remind you of people you have in your family or old old friends way back.    We change over the years and our friends can change too.   That old saying "friends for a reason, season or lifetime".    There are very few friends we have for life and if we do then treasure that.   When we grow spiritually or emotionally we often need to match our friends to that.   I find myself attracted to people now that are into more hollistic stuff, that don't like drama and value the same things I do.    When I was younger I did a little drama as I grew up with that.   Had to change that!

5)  Like yourself!  When people see you are comfortable in your own shoes that is worth a bunch of friends.

6)  Give people their personal space - respecting that they have other friends or family or situations that require their time.

I went to a life coach/counselor and she helped me see my errors in thinking and set me straight.    

I guess I could say a few more things.  There is not perfect answer to how to hold onto friends or deal with people.   I think if we start off happy... .confident... .ok with being alone... .that leads to people that are attracted to us.

Good luck!    

[Gerda]

I'd like to know how to make more friends too! I've always had trouble with that.

I made some friends in college through a student organization, and those are pretty much still the only friends I have. That was ten years ago. A lot of them have moved away, gotten married, had kids, etc., so I don't hear from them much. My social life seems to all be on Facebook now.  :'(

I've heard this is a really common problem for people in their 30's. You make most of your friends in high school and/or college, then by your 30's and 40's you're like "where did everyone go?" (There was a Nick Frost and Simon Pegg movie out recently called "The World's End" that was pretty much about this... .well, and about alien robots conquering the Earth... .but the part about Simon Pegg's character trying to reconnect with his old drinking buddies is what really got to me.  )

But I think it's worse for me and probably a lot of others here because of low self-esteem. It's really hard for me to "put myself out there" as it were. Where do you even go to meet people when you're a married adult? The rules seem totally different than what they were in college.

I guess most "adults" make friends at work, but I teach at a community college, and the instructors there just go teach their classes, not like a job where you have coworkers you collaborate with every day. I know a lot of people make friends at church, but I don't go to church (I'm not Christian, so that rules out a lot. I did try going to the UU church here for a few months, but it never really "clicked".

I even tried getting on Meetup.com, but that hasn't worked out well either. Not a lot of very active meetups around where I live.

[Turkish]

I'd like to know how to make more friends too! I've always had trouble with that.

I made some friends in college through a student organization, and those are pretty much still the only friends I have. That was ten years ago. A lot of them have moved away, gotten married, had kids, etc., so I don't hear from them much. My social life seems to all be on Facebook now.  :'(

I've heard this is a really common problem for people in their 30's. You make most of your friends in high school and/or college, then by your 30's and 40's you're like "where did everyone go?" (There was a Nick Frost and Simon Pegg movie out recently called "The World's End" that was pretty much about this... .well, and about alien robots conquering the Earth... .but the part about Simon Pegg's character trying to reconnect with his old drinking buddies is what really got to me.  )

But I think it's worse for me and probably a lot of others here because of low self-esteem. It's really hard for me to "put myself out there" as it were. Where do you even go to meet people when you're a married adult? The rules seem totally different than what they were in college.

I guess most "adults" make friends at work, but I teach at a community college, and the instructors there just go teach their classes, not like a job where you have coworkers you collaborate with every day. I know a lot of people make friends at church, but I don't go to church (I'm not Christian, so that rules out a lot. I did try going to the UU church here for a few months, but it never really "clicked".

I even tried getting on Meetup.com, but that hasn't worked out well either. Not a lot of very active meetups around where I live.

I can see where that would be tough, Gerda.

What about volunteering in the community? If you tend towards the shy side (I do, but am a lot better than I was 10 years ago), that can be hard. There are quite a few opportunities out there which go from light commitment, to a lot of involvement. I thought about youth mentoring for a number of years before I finally just did it. It helped a lot, as the mentors went through all of the self-esteem/self-discovery activities that the youth did.