How do I actually break up with him?

[Littleleft]

I know that I really must break off our r/s now, I feel it's the best things for both of us.  We've been together 12 years though, so it really is heartbreaking to try to do.  I care for him very much and I know it's going to be absolutely horrible to see him upset by what I'm saying, and I'm worried about what he'll say in return nudge how that's going to affect me.  You know, heartwrenching stuff about how he loves me, how he'll change, how he thought I was different and we'd be together for ever etc.

After the last round of dysrgulation, I called the police when things were getting out of hand, and now he's staying with his parents.

So how do I go about doing this?  A previous suggestion on here was to do it with his parents present to prevent any explosion and also to make sure he has support immediately available.  This seems like a good idea.

So should I go to their house to speak to him?  I know I owe it to him to speak to him in person, it's just that the addition of BPD makes me question everything a million times.

I'm just so unsure about how to go about it.  Any suggestions would be very gratefully received.

[crookedeuphoria]

Hi Littleleft.

I think telling him in front of his parents is absolutely the right thing to do. You said they are aware of his BPD, yes? I think it is very important that you not be alone with him if you are not feeling strong in your decision because he WILL try to manipulate you into giving him "just one more chance". But I know that if you're anything like me, you gave him that "one more chance" a million chances ago. This is the time for you to dig deep and find the strength within yourself to do what you need to do for you. It isn't easy. For me, it is the hardest thing I have ever done but at the same time, I know it is the also the rightest thing I have ever done. You'll be okay. We are all here for you.

[Littleleft]

Thanks crookedeuphoria.  It really helps to know I have a support group here. Nobody but other nons who've had relationships with a pwBPD can understand fully.

You're right that there have been a million other last chances. Each one has become more 'definitely the last' (!) and now I realise I can't let it carry on, as things are getting worse, not better.

He's called me now and asked if I wanted to meet him today, then he said he'd at least need to come round and get some more of his stuff.  I've said I'll let him know in a little while, as I need to speak to my dad first for Father's Day and it's too early for him at the moment because of the time difference where he lives.

So now I'm wondering if I should tell him when he comes round, as he'll be getting a lift from at least one of his parents. His mum and/or dad might not come in the house but at least they will be to hand.  And to be honest, I'm not sure I can do it right in front of them too. So I'm thinking it would be good to have them near but not in the same room hearing it as it happens? I really don't know!

If feel like I need to tell him as soon as i can, so maybe him coming round would be a good opportunity.

[free-n-clear]

   Hi Littleleft.

   The main thing is to do it in a way that assures your safety. That ranks above anything you 'owe' him, every time. I understand how conflicting it is - like in both your and crookedeuphorias' cases, my xgf used up all her one-more-chances and I still felt that she deserved to be treated with respect.

   Do you have issues like shared ownership of property to work through? Can you have all your personal possessions - especially important documents and the like - packed and gone before you break the news just in case it all goes pear-shaped?

[Littleleft]

Thanks for your response free'n'clear.  I will bear that in mind that safety is key.

Unfortunately we do have the issue of shared ownership of property to work through.  Although he hasn't contributed to paying any of the bills for a while, he does own a share of the property.  I have no idea what we'll do in that respect, we may have to sell the house asap.  That in itself may be difficult at the moment, as the house is in a state of disrepair in parts.  We bought everything for a new bathroom about two years ago. He wanted to do all of it himself. It just sat in our house in boxes for about a year, then he ripped out all of the bathroom about a year ago, in a panic to try to show my parents he had done something when they visited last year.  The bathroom has pretty much remained I that ripped out state since.  We have the old toilet in and the new bath, and luckily he did get the roof mostly done at the end of last year.  But there is still a lot of work to be done.

At the moment, I am in our house and he is staying at this parents house.  I hope it can remain that way and therefore hope there is no need for me to remove anything of mine, but I may put some important things together ready to move them elsewhere should the need arise.  Thank you for that suggestion.

I'm hoping he'll stay with his parents because of his illness. He needs their support right now and I hope he sees that.  Also, he doesn't have much money, what little he gets he spend on weed, so I imagine he will see that he needs to stay with them for financial reasons.  I suppose he could insist that he still wants to live here because it is his house, but I really hope it doesn't go that way.

I'm thinking I should go ahead and speak to him about it today.  I'll check that at least one of his parents will be near by.

Does anyone have any suggestions for wording? I want to keep it simple, not blame him (as I realise any r/s is 50/50), and probably say someone about keeping contact minimal to sort out things to do with the house so that we can both move on.

[free-n-clear]

   How you word it will probably be a matter of playing it by ear - it will depend on how he reacts & responds right from the start of the conversation. But keeping it simple - and preferably short - would definitely be to your advantage as you don't want to give him too many opportunities to promise he'll change (you know he won't) or beg for one more chance (you know you've weakened before).

   If you haven't done so already, I'd suggest you should get some legal advice re the property - not sure how the law works where you are, but if you can prove that you've been the main financial contributor, that may be reflected in the share of any proceeds you're entitled to. I know that's probably the last thing on your mind at the moment, but it's important for your future nonetheless.

   My heart goes out to you, Littleleft. I know how hard it is to end a relationship with someone that you genuinely care about, but sometimes the hardest thing to do is the best thing to do.   

[Littleleft]

Thank you free'n'clear . I really appreciate your advice and kind words.

[GaGrl]

On the day you tell him the relationship is over, change the locks on your house.

[Littleleft]

Wow. Well it's happened, I have broken up with him.

It happened much sooner than I anticipated today.  I'd told him I'd let him know when I'd finished speaking to my parents, and that we could arrange for him to come round then.

I finished talking to my mum and dad, was composing myself to call him, then he sent me a text saying he was near by and was it ok to come round now.  I felt a bit panicky.  I had expected to be able to call him and arrange a time, that I'd expected to be at least after 30-40 minutes due to where his family live and how long it would take them to get here.

My heart was pounding in my chest, as it has been most of the day and my hands were shaky.

I was concerned that he might be by himself and I didn't want to speak to him without his parents being nearby.  So I called him, asked if he was with his parents, he fairly flippantly said something along the lines of of course they were, he wasn't going to come by himself.  Then he asked me what I wanted him to do, did I just want him to get this things or talk.  I said he should come get some things and we could have a quick chat.

I was feeling incredibly anxious, knots in my stomach and heart still pounding and hands shaky. I tried to make sure I was breathing properly to try and get my bodies reactions more under control.

When he came in he was a bit stand off-ish, understandably, he didn't know for sure what was going to happen but I'm sure he had a pretty good idea.  We did give each other a hug. Then I suggested he get what he needed and we could talk after, as i thought I'd we'd talked first things might get heated and it would be worse if he was then storming round the house tying to gather his stuff too.

It was horrible sitting there waiting for him to be ready to talk. I kept going over what I needed to say in my head.  :)oubts kept popping in, so I had to keep reaffirming to myself that this was the right thing to do (remembering the very helpful advice that I'd received here) yes it was difficult but it was still the right thing for both of us.

He put what he needed into some bags, then walked over to where I was sat and said 'you're breaking up with me aren't you?'.  I said 'I've thought about this a lot and I think it's best for both of us if we break up. We're not doing each other any good and I thinks it's for the best'.

He said that it wasn't fair, I hadn't given him a chance, he thought I would have at least given him one more chance, that I haven't tried, that he couldn't believe I wasn't even willing to talk about It to try to sort things out. I didn't want to say to much as I knew it wouldn't help but did say that there had been lots of last chances and we had both tried. I said I wasn't blaming him, any relationship is 50/50.

He said it was wrong that I was choosing to do this on Father's Day (we don't have any children, but I realise it's not nice for his dad) and just before his dad's birthday.  I said there wasn't ever going to be a good time and it's best not to drag things out

Then he crouched down and cried, this was the hardest part, to see him so upset.  But that didn't last for long, as he quickly jumped to angrily telling me everything was my fault, that I haven't sorted out my issues and will be taking them with me, making nasty comments, and getting very wound up.

I said I thought it was best that he went, he carried on a little more so I said I'd rather he went rather than me having to go and get his parents from outside to take him, so he walked out towards the door with more unpleasant comments, the final one being 'you're nothing!' as he slammed the door behind him.

It was horrible, but I think it actually made it a bit easier for me that that side of him came out before he left. It was a reminder of why we can't be together anymore. So I'm not sat in tears now like I thought I would be.  Maybe I've done enough of that over the last couple of days.  And I'm sure there will be times when I cry thinking about it.  But right now I'm feeling kind of numb and in shock i suppose that it's actually happened.

I can't go NC as we have things to sort out, like what's going to happen with our house.   It I will try to keep it LC from here.

I realise things don't suddenly get easy from here on, and I have a lot of work to do to make sure I learn about me from what's happened.

Gagri - I'm not really sure what to do about the locks on the house. I had thought about it, but it is his house too and I don't have any rights to stop him from coming here.  I will certainly make sure the door is fully locked and bolted at night, maybe I should do that whilst I'm home too.  Maybe changing the locks is something I should seek legal advice about when I go for advice about the house ownership.

Thank you all so much for reading this and any of my posts, and for the fantastic support and advice you have given me.

[catnap]

Safety is your first priority.  Re-keying is generally less expensive.  If fully locking the doors would stop him from getting in, them keep them fully locked. 

If he threatens you in anyway, get the locks re-keyed or changed--asap. If you have a garage, put your car in it and lock it.  Take pictures today of your whole house room by room and your car just in case.  Hopefully you will not need them, but better to have it documented than trying to figure out what is missing and he can't claim an item never existed or that something was already damaged. 

[GaGrl]

When the relationship is over, and he no longer lives there, it's a different situation. As to the locks, it's easier to ask forgiveness than permission... . "Your honor, he had moved out and I felt unsafe."

[crookedeuphoria]

It sounds as though you handled that really well. Good job, I am proud of you  . I know that it was causing you anxiety so it's better, I think, that you didn't have too much time to think about it.

The details of your house will probably be difficult so prepare for that. I did not own anything with my ex, so thankfully, I'm not going through any legal things but I know there is a board here with legal advice that you might want to browse around on. From what I have heard, pwBPD can become even more vicious than we have known them to be when things like that are involved. Be very careful about changing the locks and such before you have something in writing, I know in my state doing something like that is illegal.

My very, very best to you!

[Trent]

But right now I'm feeling kind of numb and in shock i suppose that it's actually happened.

Great job on doing what you need to do!  The only thing I would recommend is start thinking about productive ways to handle the FOG once it starts to set in.  12 years is a long time, and it's typically difficult for anyone to easily let go of a loved one after this length of time, BPD or not.  I have found that NC works best for me, giving me the space I need to heal and move on with my life without my BPD ex.  I understand the need for LC to sort out the legal issues, just keep your guard up whenever you're communicating with your ex, as they are notorious for knowing exactly how to pull at our heart strings.  All that aside, I hope you feel good about what you accomplished today, it definitely isn't easy!  

Maybe changing the locks is something I should seek legal advice about when I go for advice about the house ownership.

I don't know your ex, but pwBPDers are notorious for breaking boundaries, whether they are physical or emotional.  In the case of my ex gf, I wouldn't even be a little bit surprised if she waltzed in the door, declaring it was her house too and she wasn't going anywhere.  Given that your ex's abandonment fears have likely been triggered, you might expect some extreme behavior on his part as a reaction to the situation.  I don't know what kind of abuse you have been subjected to, but if you could get at least a TRO and change the locks, I would do it immediately.  Heck, I would just change the locks regardless and make him go through legal avenues to get access to the house, and then I would move into a motel or stay with friends/family for a bit until things cool down.  Bottom line, do whatever it takes to keep yourself protected.

Congrats and good luck!

[Trent]

accidental duplicate... . move along, nothing to see here!   

[sweetheart]

Littleleft sending you lots of  s and  s.

Your post was and is heartbreaking,12 years is a very long time and I know that you still care about him.

You are a very courageous, strong woman.

[sweetheart]

  and 

[Littleleft]

Gagri and catnap - thank you for your concern, I know safety is definitely a genuine issue with break ups with pwBPD.  I've looked it up online though and unfortunately it's would be against the law in my country to change the locks when the property is jointly owned.  If need be, and if I can prove that he poses a risk of harm to me, I could apply for an Occupation Order from the courts to prevent him having access.  I'm hoping there'll be no need to go down that road, but will see how things go whilst making sure I lock up properly whilst I'm home.

crookedeuphoria   thank you, I'm sure you're right that it was probably best I didn't have too much time to dwell on things.  I hope you are doing well today.  You're doing such a great job with the NC!

Trent - thank you for your encouragement and kind words. It has been a concern for me that his attitude might be exactly how you'd described what your ex gf might do, coming in to the house and refusing to leave.  I'm hoping that won't happen, I'll just have to wait and see, if he does that I'll remove myself from the house and take it from there.  I'm spending this week at home as I've been away for a few weeks and need to do something's here now that I'm back.  But I'm going to go and stay with a family member next weekend, and my mum is making plans to fly over to come and stay with me for a bit after that.  If I really need to, I could go and stay with a friend for a bit before that.

It's a great suggestion to start planning on how I'm going to handle the FOG, especially as I will need to have some contact with him.  What would I do without this site and all it's lovely users!

sweetheart - thank you so much   and   right back at you!  I hope everything is calm and ok for you at home today.

Thank you all so much  

[GaGrl]

It's very good that his parents are aware and able to support through this period. And a great idea to have your mother with you!

[Littleleft]

Absolutely Gagri, I must say they've been incredibly supportive to me as well as him all through our r/s.  I've always been very grateful for their help and how understanding they've been.  I'm also very glad that he has them to help him now and in the future on his road to recovery.

And yes, it will be great to have my mum here!

[free-n-clear]

   I'm so glad you were able to have that conversation with him - it seems like it went as well as could be expected in the circumstances, and it sounds like you said all the right things ... .

We did give each other a hug. Then I suggested he get what he needed and we could talk after, as I thought if we'd talked first things might get heated and it would be worse if he was then storming round the house trying to gather his stuff too. I said 'I've thought about this a lot and I think it's best for both of us if we break up. We're not doing each other any good and I think it's for the best'.

I didn't want to say too much as I knew it wouldn't help but did say that there had been lots of last chances and we had both tried. I said I wasn't blaming him, any relationship is 50/50.

I said there wasn't ever going to be a good time and it's best not to drag things out.

I said I thought it was best that he went, rather than me having to go and get his parents from outside to take him.

     

  Now the focus switches to you - Trent's right about the FOG being likely to come in, so keep reading and posting here - the end is another beginning.

I've looked it up online though and unfortunately it would be against the law in my country to change the locks when the property is jointly owned.

  This being the case, I'd suggest you think about taking any important documents and possessions that are precious to you - things that he may want to break or steal as an act of revenge - to your family members' place when you go next week and storing them there for the time being if possible.

  You've handled this all in a very considered and rational way and you've done the right thing, so I know things are going to be ok. You will find a great deal of help with navigating the legal channels with the resources on [L3] Family law, divorce and custody. We're all here for you, Littleleft.  


 

[InSearchofMe]

I do not have any counsel to offer, just sending big hugs     .  I know this is difficult and scary.  We're here for you to help you through what is to come.

[Littleleft]

Thank you free'n'clear and InSearchofMe   to you both.

It sounds like a sensible idea to move some of my things elsewhere.  And I will definitely continue to read and post here!