Her letter. My response?

[puppetnomore]

Just got this letter from my mom and I'm not sure how to respond.  A little background... . a few months back, I told my parents that I needed to take some space for 2 months.  This allowed me the space I needed to think clearly about our relationship after growing up with a BPD mother and NPD father.  Then a few weeks ago, we had our first family counseling session to explain (but barely skim the surface) of why I took 2 months of space.

So today I got this letter from my mom... .

"I love you so much and would like us to move towards one another.  It's past time for restoration of our relationship.

Therefore I have to ask you:  Do you love me ?  Do you want the friendship we thought we would have as adults ?  Can we work towards reconciliation ?

What can I do and what would that look like ?  How can I help you ?  Please help me understand.

Im tired of hiding my feelings from you and trying to be content with what feels like a very conditional relationship.

I want more and deeper. Time together.  I want honesty and truth and trust between us.  We should be able to say anything and know that our acceptance is unconditional.  But thats not how I feel presently.  In all honesty, I have no idea where I fit into your life and where and how I have hurt you, nor  what  has caused this divide.  I'm tired of guessing.

I have spent the past year trying to figure out where I went wrong.  Blaming myself. Hurt. Disappointed to be relegated to a "blog follower" rather than a Mom and/or friend.  Feeling unappreciated and left out.

At what season of your life did I fail you ?  When and where did I go wrong ?  What keeps you away emotionally?  When will you forgive, honor me as a parent and accept the imperfect mother I am?   When will we be free again to be ourselves and laugh at the silly things ?  These are all questions that I've asked God and myself over and over again. Most, only you can answer.

Truthfully,  my heart is broken and has been for several years.  In all honesty, since 2010 when you laid out your boundaries, I have not felt the liberty to be myself with you. Boundaries can lead to walls and ever since I have been on guard for fear of being further rejected. My fears have become my reality.  I feel no freedom to be myself with you and I expect you feel the same way.  This does not have to be and together we can change this direction. It will take honest conversation between us which is a risk worth taking. 

As my  daughter, I have loved you since before you were born.  I could not be happier or more proud of your choices in life, your strong faith,, marriage and motherhood. I see such beauty and good in you. The fruit of the spirit is evident. You have grown into a woman that I am very proud of and admire. You are kind and faithful and loving.  We have experienced a lot of fun together and commonality over the years. So many great memories.  I love spending time with you !

I loved being your Mom. 

As I raised you, my greatest desire was to have a special adult friendship with you at this age. You can understand and I'm sure as you want the same with your sons.

I have no idea what you have been through since or before you began having the violent dreams which led you into counseling.  I have not known how to approach that subject or if you wanted me to.  Admittedly, my lack of appropriate communication skills were learned in my family of origin.  Unfortunately that has not served me well.  It is a constant source of discipline as I learn to change.   Behaviors, like the tongue, have to be purposeful and it's so hard to say the right things all the time.  I am learning .  I can use your help in that.  I trust that God will help me.

This email is not intended to put pressure on you.  I am risking here by expressing the truth of my hearts desire for a change between us.  This year has been the most difficult of my life in many ways.

I have searched my soul, been to counseling, poured out my heart, been disappointed, honest, prayerful and tearful.  We have had struggles of our own this year as have you. 

I pray you will give me a chance. Where do we go from here ?  What do we need to do?

The real key is do you love me enough to want a loving relationship.

I love you,

Mom"


In this letter, I definitely feel the push-pull, the anger, guilt, etc.  However, I feel that whatever my response may be, she will be unable to hear what I'm saying and see that the boundaries that I've put in place are ultimately to bring us closer because without them, I want to withdraw.  Thoughts?

[lucyhoneychurch]

Hello 

All I can really say is as I scrolled down it was such a battery of questions and pseudo accusations and more questions - I felt sort of slammed off balance and she's not my mother.

A suitable answer will be in your timing, not hers. One might be, "I received your letter. When I am able, I will respond." And then take your time.

It was just such a watershed of words and questions marks all over.

It has to be hard. My late mother's stuff was at least really straightforwardly awful if you see what I mean - no smoke and mirrors.

[P.F.Change]

Hi, puppetnomore,

You may be right--it is possible your mother may not be able to hear or understand your side of things. My mother has a lot of difficulty with that, and instead tries convincing people that their viewpoint or needs ought to change to match hers. Empathy is a skill many people with BPD struggle with, especially when their own emotions feel particularly intense and overwhelming.

I get the sense that your mother is having a hard time with the way things are now, and she is attached to the idea of a very close relationship with you. One characteristic of BPD is that people with the disorder do not have a clear sense of their own identity. They rely on other people to assure them and make them feel "real" or worthwhile. They tend to seek enmeshment in their relationships. Boundaries can feel very threatening--they may not know who they are without someone else. Given all of that, I must say that even though I can sense some sadness and maybe even desperation in your mother's letter, her tone sounds relatively thoughtful and calm. I have seen much worse. 

Here are my thoughts on some of the things she wrote:

"Boundaries can lead to walls... . " Yes, this is true. People need some walls in order to maintain their own space and identity. As I said eariler, this can feel very threatening to someone with BPD who relies on others for their own sense of self. It sounds like your mother does not like the fact that you have boundaries. It is ok for her not to like that, and it is also ok that you have them.

"My fears have become my reality." This is another common truth for people who have BPD. Their fear of abandonment leads to behaviors that others find overwhelming, which ends up causing people to pull away--leading to feelings of abandonment. The fear becomes the reality. Is your mother open to the idea of talking with a therapist of her own about the fears and reality she is experiencing?

"It will take honest conversation between us... . " Your mother may feel this is true. It sounds like she wants a relationship where she can feel free to be very open and there will not be limits on her behavior. She may even be sincere that she wants you to feel just as free and open. My experience tells me, though, that those feelings can quickly change, especially when we express something that the other person is not emotionally prepared to cope with on her own. It sounds like there is a possibility that she will be willing to work toward some kind of relationship with you. However I think that will require much more than the two of you talking it out on your own. You would probably both need individual therapy as well as possible continued family therapy in order for that to happen. And even then, the relationship does not have to look the way your mother wants it to. She may need to face the reality that you two are not going to be as close as she would like--and for that she will likely need outside support.

":)o you love me?... . The real key is, do you love me enough to want a loving relationship." I am guessing that she does not realize it, but this question is pretty manipulative. My mother has asked the same thing, and my therapist recommended I let her know that it is a manipulative question rather than respond with an answer. Your therapist might have advice that suits your situation better. At any rate, whether you love your mother has nothing to do with your need for space. The issue is that your mother feels threatened and unloved because you have asked for a break, and she is looking for you to soothe her. I think it is very possible to have a loving relationship that is not an enmeshed relationship. You can love your mother without taking on the job of trying to make her feel loved. Does that make sense?

Are you planning to have more family therapy sessions? As lucyhoneychurch said, you don't have to respond until you feel ready. It would be fine to save this letter and bring it with you to discuss in the session. What would you think of that?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Valley Quail]

Hi puppetnomore,


Wow, I can really relate to you... . your mom's words sound so much like my mom's, it's uncanny. Lucyhoneychurch and P.F. Change have really awesome tips and hopefully you can feel a little comfort in knowing that you're not alone... . I can really relate to the experience of getting emails like this and the feelings they bring on.

Wishing you the very best

[PleaseValidate]

Oh, Jesus!  Deja-vu all over again!  I am in no position to give you advice, but you might find my experience gives you a bit of perspective (or not.)

When I first moved from my BPDmo s house; I got letters like this at least once a week. I would spend much too much time reading and dissecting. I would reply to every paragraph with foolish things such as "facts," "sharing" and "reasoning."

Even though I knew better,  something about seeing her words in print made them seem like they actually meant something. As if she was capable of taking responsibility or having empathy. *pft!* It took way too many response letters - I'm talking years here- that were not validate, talked around,  rationalized, justified, poke me in my eye, I'm DONE!

Every letter would re traumatize and trigger me and God only knows why but I would always be SHOCKED that she wasn't "getting it." Like she was magically going to sit down and write and be "normal" one day. To make matters worse,  I went through many horrible therapists untrained in BPD who would only reinforce the disabling guilt I felt w phrases like, "you'll have to talk to her sometime" and proceed, as my mom did, to just invalidate everything I said with such statements.

I did not get well until I stopped replying. I actually stopped reading them in full and just skimmed them. If i were a stronger person,  i would have sent them back unopened. But being a prisoner of hope, I did always open them.

Without my replies, her letters slowed in frequency. Over the years I became able to anticipate them as they became correlated with her "boy buddy" interactions- brother,  lover, etc.  When her dad died and she learned she was specifically written out of his will, the letters came early and often. Like I wish my cutting her out of my life was.

I greatly admire you, puppetnomore,  to be handling such a letter with grace. I read this and feel like she is sucking you in with her word vacuum, while also screaming "woe is me!" I see that you are supposed to feel sorry for her and her upbringing that was not as great as yours of course.

Frankly, I'm triggering myself in even reminiscing here. I got one particular email this week that made me nervous and feel unsafe on many different levels (no one in imminent danger.)

But I mean what I say in that i admire your grace and strength to be calmly and carefully replying to this letter. I wish you the best in your communications. You both appear very motivated to strengthen them. 

[puppetnomore]

Thanks so much.  You all have been really encouraging, and it's so nice to be able to come to a place where other people know and have experienced what you're going through.  It's easy to feel like I'm going crazy sometimes!   You're responses and info P.F.Change provided allowed me to step back and take a look at what's really going on without getting wrapped up in the guilt and manipulation.  Wish me luck - tomorrow I'll send my mom a response.  I wish things would magically get better and we could have a real, healthy, and normal mother-daughter relationship.  It's so hard when there's such little hope for change in her.  I think I've landed on just working on myself through continued therapy so that I'll be able to better respond to my mom while keeping my own identity and boundaries.

[P.F.Change]

I wish things would magically get better and we could have a real, healthy, and normal mother-daughter relationship.  It's so hard when there's such little hope for change in her.

One of the most helpful things I ever read here was Radical Acceptance for family members. It opened my eyes to a whole new way of looking at things.

Good luck with your response. Did you give any thought to discussing the letter with your therapist?

PF

[patsmaiz]

What I read in that letter is that she is turning the tables.  You're the mother and she's the needy child.  I also see that she is implying if you do not do what she asks of you, you are not a loving person. 

Mine has said to me "I don't want to die with my children hating me."  Totally implying that I carry hate around in my heart... . simply because I want to protect myself.

[Botswana Agate]

Oh dear God, I have a letter-writer BPD mother too!  (she's been CO since February) Good grief, it must be in the genes, or definitely part of the disorder.  My BPDm's letters were far more scathing, though--they were always accusatory and ended with "I won't accept a letter or anything back, if you want to say something, you have to come talk to me."  And I wasn't the only recipient of her letters, she was fond of sending them to anyone she had a vendetta or something against.

The only thing I can say is to black-hole this--that is, don't respond to her.  Responding to her, IMO, is giving her exactly what she wants: A-T-T-E-N-T-I-O-N!  You asked for *space* and (typical of the disorder and enmeshment) she didn't respect it.  Also--and this is JUST MY OPINION--I'd stop the family counseling with your Mom and Dad.  I take it you're grown up and out of the house, on your own, your own place and job, etc?  Then they need to stop seeing you as a *child*.  :)efinitely keep seeking counseling for yourself, to help undo a lifetime of growing up with the crap and learn how to un-enmesh and set good boundaries.  But maybe re-think the family counseling thing--seems to me like that gives them too much say and control in your life, and they've had plenty of that already.

[finchfeather]

Hi puppetnomore! I'm a new person here, too, and I am also dealing with some letters from my uBPD mom right now. In my case, the recent letters came after I decided to take a couple of weeks as a break from contact, and they were definitely designed to try to maximize FOG reactions for me, as well as shift blame on to me for her actions and decisions. I'm sorry that you're dealing with this, too.

I wanted to second (third?) the idea that it's ok to not respond to this kind of message. And it's ok to listen to your gut - if your experience and your instincts are telling you that emotional connection isn't safe with your mom, then you don't have to provide it just because she's asked you for it. It's ok to take care of you and your needs, and to let your mom worry about taking care of herself.

One thing that has been helpful for me that I read in the Essential Family Guide to BPD is that if my mom treats me badly or sends me a guilt trip, and I give in to it, then I've basically demonstrated to her that this is a technique that's effective and that she should continue to do it. In contrast, if I hold firm to my boundaries, then she's bound to escalate things for a while - maybe a long while - but that if I stick with them, she may eventually adapt when it's clear that they're not effective. My boundaries are being tested in a big way right now, so that idea really hit home for me.

I also wanted to add that setting limits and keeping them is just about the hardest thing that I've ever done. So I understand that this is easier said than done, and I have total empathy for what you are going through.