Hubris

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I read this quote in an advice column of the newspaper this morning:

"Unfortunately, the insidious ferocity of someone with borderline personality often matches the depth of the hubris of the person she/he is with."

I am keenly aware of my own arrogance, of the glaring pride in the very idea that I could 'fix' or help this man get well just by loving him.  My pride stares at me in the mirror every day when I remember the feeling of possibly having been "special" like I was the one that he would finally change / get help for his disordered behaviors for.  My self-superiority allowed me to ignore the red flags and warning signs and assured me that I could "handle" him and his issues.  So much pride might indicate a pretty high self-worth, yeah?  I don't know, for me it seems to be the opposite of that. My pride definitely goeth before my fall, as the further I get away from the relationship, I realize just how much my pride has actually hurt me.  Not just in this relationship, either, in my life in general.  I'm not sure of the origin of my strong pride, but I do intend to find out... . and to get it back into balance.

In an effort to NOT focus on him or this disorder, I've been forcing myself to gain the self-awareness that I have been lacking for many years.  I've spent many years thinking "I'm fine, nothing's wrong with me... . I don't need therapy or anything like that."  Clearly, I need something.  Otherwise, I'd not have fallen into this toxic relationship in the first place and I'd have far more direction in my life.

I should have examined myself in this way years ago... .

[maternal]

I read this quote in an advice column of the newspaper this morning:

"Unfortunately, the insidious ferocity of someone with borderline personality often matches the depth of the hubris of the person she/he is with."

I am keenly aware of my own arrogance, of the glaring pride in the very idea that I could 'fix' or help this man get well just by loving him.  My pride stares at me in the mirror every day when I remember the feeling of possibly having been "special" like I was the one that he would finally change / get help for his disordered behaviors for.  My self-superiority allowed me to ignore the red flags and warning signs and assured me that I could "handle" him and his issues.  So much pride might indicate a pretty high self-worth, yeah?  I don't know, for me it seems to be the opposite of that. My pride definitely goeth before my fall, as the further I get away from the relationship, I realize just how much my pride has actually hurt me.  Not just in this relationship, either, in my life in general.  I'm not sure of the origin of my strong pride, but I do intend to find out... . and to get it back into balance.

In an effort to NOT focus on him or this disorder, I've been forcing myself to gain the self-awareness that I have been lacking for many years.  I've spent many years thinking "I'm fine, nothing's wrong with me... . I don't need therapy or anything like that."  Clearly, I need something.  Otherwise, I'd not have fallen into this toxic relationship in the first place and I'd have far more direction in my life.

I should have examined myself in this way years ago... .

[arjay]

Greetings.  I commend you for your self-awareness.  That is a huge step and something that never happens for some; for others after their own counseling, and for a few a simple "ah" moment.

I was "over my head" in my relationship/marriage thinking I could fix her.  It sadly would have been far less stressful and less protracted to simply have spent the time to fix myself, but I guess I needed the hammer to fall again and again before I finally could "see the light".  Yes there was an enemy, and it was "me".  It took a Borderline to show me that too.

Peace to you

[maternal]

Thank you, arjay.

Coincidentally enough, my ex was not a fan of my pride and he had little problem telling me so.  It was also my pride that allowed me not to hear what he was saying... .   tricky, that.

I cannot afford any type of therapy at this time, so I have to do as much as I can for myself until I'm back on my financial feet and am able to get the professional assistance that I need.  So I read everything, and allow myself to feel everything that comes up and I push myself to do what I need to do to heal and correct my own mistakes.

This is all part of my process.

[LettingGo14]

I cannot afford any type of therapy at this time, so I have to do as much as I can for myself until I'm back on my financial feet and am able to get the professional assistance that I need.  So I read everything, and allow myself to feel everything that comes up and I push myself to do what I need to do to heal and correct my own mistakes.

Maternal -- I, too, commend your self-awareness.   I also hope you can be gentle with yourself.   There's an enormous tidal wave of regret, self-criticism, and self-questioning that follow our relationships.   And, yet, at the same time, a tremendous need for self-care and self-love.   

As hard as it is for me to admit, I miss the validation my ex-girlfriend often gave me.  It fed what psychologists might call a "false self" -- one that I created over years to hide the things I didn't really want to face (e.g., difficult emotions).  That said -- now that she's gone, a great gift has been the idea that I no longer need to look for an object outside myself for validation. 

It's a daily effort, and not always fun.  Sometimes I feel self-absorbed and tired of it.   But, the lesson -- in sitting with it -- is that it's not really about "me" anymore.   I'm just learning to accept life as it is, and to experience it as it is, without "shoulds" or "musts" or ideas about self that I clung to.

I hope you can be kind to yourself.  You're doing hard work. 

[maternal]

I hope you can be kind to yourself.  You're doing hard work. 

I don't feel as though I'm being hard on myself.  Does it seem that way?  I think that I am being very realistic with myself and looking very hard at why I am where I am today.  I don't think that pride is always a fault, but too much pride, so much pride that I blame everyone or everything else and tend not to be able to listen very well or take constructive criticism is something that I feel needs transformed.  The strong woman that I once thought I was is actually a pretty scared little girl.  A scared little girl that can be introduced to her true strength by looking deeply and realistically within herself and putting in the necessary work to bring about metamorphosis.

I, too, am working on taking life as it is.  I am constantly thinking about the future, or the past, or "shoulds" and such, and I spend too much time comparing myself to others... . I am not good at just living in the moment.  Mindfulness needs training.  Old behavior patterns need to be replaced with more beneficial ones so that I don't require so much external validation and am better able to cope with what life throws at me.  I feel as though I am loving myself.  I am focused on me in a way that I never have been before.  Is that not being kind?   

[Mutt]

Hi maternal,

I googled the quote.

www.thesudburystar.com/2014/06/13/man-wants-to-warn-suitor-away-from-his-ex

DEAR AMY: I dated a young lady -- 26 years old -- who has five children by multiple fathers.

I was aware that she has psychological issues, but I loved her and tried pushing her to seek help, which she agreed to, but it never happened.

Now that we have broken up, I've sought counselling and done some reading of my own to try to understand her better and recognize my own mistakes. I've learned that she neatly fits the profile of someone with borderline personality disorder.

Here is my dilemma. She is dating a 20-year-old man who seems to be madly in love with her. He is not concerned that she has so many children by multiple fathers or that she lost custody of two of them. She has never been monogamous.

While I was reasonably aware of what I was getting into (I'm college educated and in my 30s), I'm concerned she could do real damage to him.

I tried talking to her, to no avail (we are still friends). I suppose there is nothing I can do and I should mind my own business, but I do know one of his parents.

I've considered telling his parent what I know so they can at least offer guidance to their son, but I'm afraid I'm overstepping my bounds and will just make things worse because of my own past involvement with her. Your advice? -- Worried

DEAR WORRIED: Unfortunately, as you know from your own experience, the insidious ferocity of someone with borderline personality disorder often matches the depth of the hubris of the person she is with. While it is not a good idea for amateurs like you (and me) to diagnose others, people with this psychological disorder are often very compelling and find themselves matched with people who think they can manage, help or cure them.

You should not tell this young man what to do but only offer your own experience as a guide. Do not go through his parents. You can expect that your warnings will fall upon deaf ears and that this guy will have to experience this human tornado on his own, just as you did.

By Amy Dickinson

As an advice columnist, Amy uses her talents as a journalist and her personal experiences to answer each question with the care and attention she would devote to her closest friends. Her advice is rooted in honesty and trust, traits she applies to her writing and her life

It seems like she is giving good advice as an advice columnist. I'm not a professional by any means. You are self reflecting and taking inventory.

I should have examined myself in this way years ago... .

I think that you are being a little hard on yourself. Give yourself some slack 

I think that I am being very realistic with myself and looking very hard at why I am where I am today.

It's a process and it takes time, be kind to yourself during this process. Rome wasn't built in a day.

I don't think that pride is always a fault, but too much pride, so much pride that I blame everyone or everything else and tend not to be able to listen very well or take constructive criticism is something that I feel needs transformed.

Are we talking about pride or co-dependency perhaps? Amy is describing co-dependency.

DEAR WORRIED: Unfortunately, as you know from your own experience, the insidious ferocity of someone with borderline personality disorder often matches the depth of the hubris of the person she is with. While it is not a good idea for amateurs like you (and me) to diagnose others, people with this psychological disorder are often very compelling and find themselves matched with people who think they can manage, help or cure them.

The strong woman that I once thought I was is actually a pretty scared little girl.  A scared little girl that can be introduced to her true strength by looking deeply and realistically within herself and putting in the necessary work to bring about metamorphosis.

Right on target. Validate, parent and be kind to that scared little girl. You are stronger than you think.

“My primary relationship is with myself – all others are mirrors of it.”—Shakti Gawain