facebook or similar social networking sites

[Youcantfoolme]

I'm not sure if this is something all BPD's do or just this one but do they seem to constantly be behind the scenes, editing and altering things when they aren't getting the attention they were hoping for?

The UBPD in my life has a sort of bizarre online life. For starters she is in just about every picture on her page. She's 38 years old though and I'd say about 90% of her pictures are selfies of her and her girlfriends out at the bar, having a good time. That or she has selfies of her and my brother kissing or holding one another. Her page is something akin to the page of a 21 year old girl. If a 21 year old girl had those same pics however, I wouldn't find it weird. I'd find them appropriate for her age. I find it a bit odd for a 38 year old mother who is married, to have so many of those types of pics.

Also, her friends list is hidden from view. Not even my brother can see it.

She never friend requested anyone in my family. She never requested me or my mom. My mom requested her and it took her 6 weeks to answer. She's very active on facebook, we knew because her page was mostly public.  Before their wedding a few of my family members requested her and she accepted. Then she erased everyone after all the drama (that she started) with my mom. Now she is only friends with my grandmother.

She made her page private as well. My mom could see her posts through my grandmothers page. She frequently will go in and edit the privacy of her posts after she posts them. She doesn't know we can see her page. If she sharing something about her life that she thinks would make people envious she will edit the post from private to public. She does this quite often.

Also if people comment on a pic but don't comment about her specifically, she will try to steer  the comments in her direction. If they comment about my brother or her daughter, she will say something sarcastic or demeaning about them, if she even replies at all. If she doesn't get the attention, she usually doesn't reply to any of the commenters. She never seems to like or comment on other people's pics or statuses unless they have something to do with her.

She also informed a family member that she looks at facebook through my brothers account. She can't do it anymore however because he deactivated his account. I'm pretty sure he did so because I friend requested him. I had to block them both a while back because she was paranoid and thought everything I wrote was about her. She obviously has split me black!  I.m Assuming she told him to unfriend me or block me and he probably didn't want to, so instead he deactivated his account to shut her up.

The funniest part about it is that she acts as if she doesn't care about facebook at all. In fact her exact words were, "it's not real life". For someone who doesn't seem to care she sure puts in a lot of effort. It seems she's constantly working backstage to make her life seem perfect and trying to get attention, even if its negative. Even after I had blocked her, she was still accusing me of writing negative things about her on my page but I really wasn't. She accuses people of "stalking" her page yet she's the one who's doing the stalking. Somehow she was able to see everything I wrote, even after I blocked her and my brother.

The weirdest thing of all that she has done is friend request my brothers exfiance! Long before we found out (his exfiance called her mother and asked her to ask my mom why she would do that) the BPF had told my brother that his exfiance requested her. At the time however, I didn't believe it. His ex was no that type of person at all. She is very nonconfrontational and hadn't contacted my brother in over a year.  His ex had deactivated her account. Months later when she reactivated it, she was on for about a few days and got a friend request from the BPD. She didn't accept it but she was a little put off by it. It had been over a year since her and my brother had spoken. They had no strings that were still attached and she hadn't tried getting in touch with him in any way prior to that. This time the BPD blamed it on some type of "glitch" on facebook's part, in other words it was an accidental friend request! My brother somehow believed her because this is what he told my mom when she asked, why in the world would his new wife want to be facebook friends with his exfiance!

I'm just curious if other BPD's are like this when it comes to facebook. Maybe it's just my imagination and what she does is completely normal. I just feel like she puts a lot of effort into worrying about what others can and cannot see. How does your BPD person act on facebook?

[Fanie]

We are married for the past 11 years and in this 11 years she is still "single" on facebook

and never mentions me at all.

Another example is whatsapp -I have never been on her profile picture

Very rarely it will be some pic of the kids but 90% its her selfie

[lucyhoneychurch]

I go hermitty on FB for weeks, then reactivate it and catch up with high school folks, my grown kids' pix, etc.

If her stuff is bothering you or making you too curious for your own good, you can put her on the "restricted" list, and then her stuff doesn't show up on your timeline. That is what I did with people I had "friended" (these verbs in our language now it's so funny, as it used to be "BEFRIENDED" ) that for whatever reason things weren't so hot.

It's her FB page. She's free to post as many juvenile freaky selfies as she likes.     Makes you glad not to be her, right? I know one gentleman, married with a gorgeous daughter, involved with a divorced woman with three really incredible sons very torn up over their parents' divorce - and the two adults take selfies like high school prom king and queen... . and then change them all the time! eeeek!

The reasons she does all this stuff are maybe obvious - either feeling less than loved, or that her court needs updates on her awesomeness.

Yes they'll do inappropriate things for their ages. I know one that is so visibly older than her posted 33.       who's she kidding? My selfies only seem to highlight the  wrinkles and fatigue.

I'd say this is bothering you more than it should. Don't creep around in other people's pages so you can see hers.

The social networking stuff lends itself to really self-obsessed folks doing this. It also seems to be the end of regular conversations at mealtimes or on outings.    That's my gripe about all of it.

Spare yourself the aggravation and just "restrict" her.   

[Youcantfoolme]

It doesn't bother me in the sense that it makes me angry or sad. It bothers me because I don't understand it. Also I just wanted to know if it's common for these folks to act so erratically over a website. It shouldn't matter what others think or have to say about you. Also I'm not saying I've never posted a selfie, I'd be lying if I did. I think it just goes to show where her maturity level lies at. I remember reading at one time that BPD's get stuck, mentally at a certain age and they don't mentally mature past that age.

Fanie, that sounds really crappy that there's no mention of you on your wife's page and also that she says she's single. The girl I am speaking of, is my brothers wife and she refused to change her name to his last name online. She said it was because of her job, I don't really know why any of her clients would need to find her on her personal Facebook and even if they did, like she's the only person who's ever had to deal with that a name change? I think she wants her old name so her ex boyfriends and people shes estranged from can find her and see how amazing her life now is.

[PleaseValidate]

Youcantfoolme, i hope you can laugh at the ridiculousness of it all! OF COURSE FB just erroneously sent a friend request to the ex-fiancee! 

Also if people comment on a pic but don't comment about her specifically, she will try to steer  the comments in her direction. If they comment about my brother or her daughter, she will say something sarcastic or demeaning about them, if she even replies at all. If she doesn't get the attention, she usually doesn't reply to any of the commenters. She never seems to like or comment on other people's pics or statuses unless they have something to do with her.

Being raised by a mom who had, BPD, this is the part i find the most sad. My own mother does not have a FB account (thank god!) She was the opposite in that she took perhaps too many pictures of me and bragged "look at MY daughter!" Sounds innocent enough until you see it in action and understand her main point being "She is MINE" in a "i birthed her, i raised her, i bought the rights to all of her accomplishments, i look the other way to all of the abuse happening to her because 'It's not me.' 'IT is a thing not a human- MINE." And yes, my BPDmo did get stuck mentally stuck at a certain age. I estimate it is about 14-17. She had me when she was 18. (I am just very grateful that she is more of a teenager in the 1980s and has little savvy with the online socialization of this millennium!)

On the flip-side, i know what it is like to have demeaning thing said to me and about me by my mother in public.  My heart goes out to this kid. I hope she isn't old enough to be on FB yet or doesn't pick up on the nuisances like you are able to do.



I'm in the same age range as your sil and i see all shades of profiles. I am friends w a few peeps w personality disorders on there. And yes, public image is of utmost importance to people w many "Cluster B" PDs- BPD included. One female acquaintance w BPD is 41, just got married, no kids, and is always posting about getting drunk accompanied by selfies doing it! Honestly since i don't see this behavior too often in my feed, and maybe because she is not an immediate part of my life, i find it kind of refreshing.   

The "friends" that actually aggravate me the most, probably because of my history, are the profiles that ONLY have picts of their children and no one or nothing else- not even themselves! Again, i feel like they are saying, "look at me, i made this person, s/he is me and i am her!" (You might notice that i have some unresolved enmeshment issues.)

I also think it comes down to hobbies and chosen activities. Since i have no children and kids don't interest me as much as pets, travel, art, science links, etc, i don't mind living vicariously through others' party times like the chica above. I've always struggled w the concept and definition of "age appropriateness" when it comes to activities and stages of life.

Besides the girls' nights and party time activities, from what you describe, your sil's emotional maturity is probably in the toddler to teen range depending on the situation (IMHO.) All of her attention seeking, image grooming, and "leaving her options open" by not changing her name online are classic signs and symptoms of BPD. 

[P.F.Change]

Just a couple of reminders:

Guideline 4.1: Over generalizing

"There are many similarities in the experiences of people involved in high conflict relationships. And, when we feel emotionally wounded, we often look for vindication and validation to sooth our pain. It's easy to buy too far into this "soothing" and lose sight of our role in the conflict and struggles -- and when we do, healing and growth come slowly.

Avoid excessive use of blanket statements like "they all lie?" or posing blanket questions like "why do they all cheat?" or "what were we thinking?". It's healthier to keep your explorations and comments in the first person by phrasing things as "why did my girlfriend lie?", "why did my boyfriend cheat?", And "what was I thinking?".

Personality disorders and traits have a broad spectrum of expression and every relationship dynamic is unique, just as each of us are unique."

Coping and Healing Board Policies

"This is a place to find solutions.  Please do not use this board as a place to complain about your relative without seeking constructive relationship advice."

[Valley Quail]

Hi there Youcan'tfoolme,


My diagnosed BPD and undiagnosed NPD mother acts very erratically on facebook as well. I can relate to you and how it can be frustrating when they do things we can't understand or that don't make any sense. My mom posts sometimes 10-20 times a day. She took a selfie in a mirror at a retail store and tagged it someone else's page that she regularly badmouths... . for extra attention. She also seems to constantly be behind the scenes, editing and altering things when not getting the attention she was hoping for.


Soo many of the erratic things you mention, my BPD mom does as well. It always helps me to know that other people are going through similar things and I'm not the only one, so please know that you are not alone in what you are experiencing... . with your BPD person and social media.


I understand your frustration and it may help to focus on things you can control and that bring you joy and peace. Until then, you are not alone. We can relate; we understand and care.

[Youcantfoolme]

Thank you Valley. I thought I was imagining things! I know it's just facebook and it's not that big of a deal but I just find it sad that she feels the need to be validated by people she hardly sees. I guess it just goes with a need to be accepted or to paint a picture of the perfect, normal life they want to live. It's easy to make your life look fabulous on Facebook.