Addiction to Love

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Just finished reading a great book by John Moore called Addiction to Love

Basically highlights probable cause for our poor relationship choices and the things we do to try to control our partners once in the relationship

For me, it hit the nail on the head. Not sure about you guys, but my break-up with the BPD ex was not the first in which I have felt crippling anxiety as I tried to get a read of them and did some silly things to be sure of their love and control them (or more to the point, that anxiety)

Not letting the xBPD off the hook all together, but boy can I see the damage that I brought to the table so clearly now. My dad was absent a lot and either disinterested or scary when he was home. Had some terrifying beatings as a kid. And my mum was inconsistent and strict, with a pathological concern for what other people think and for keeping up with the Joneses. In combination, it meant I had read the room; perform to receive love; and assume peace keeper duties to ensure a harmonious home. This was learned behaviour and became my blue print for later relationships.

The book cites many examples of stalking and the extreme things people with love addiction do to keep tabs on their partner. I was never that bad but can absolutely recognise how I test my partners... . push and pull... . and how calm I would feel when I had secured their love again after pushing them away.

My biggest trigger, I have discovered, is neglect / invalidation / indifference and not so much rejection or abandonment. When I think a relationship was THIS but it turns out to be THAT, I completely collapse. When I think I am as important to them as they are to me, I am devastated when the actions clearly prove they are not. Just the other night, someone I have been seeing very casually was due to come over. They texted saying they were on the highway back from the countryside and would be there at 8pm. So 830 I text to see how they're travelling. No response. Then 9pm I call to see if it's still happening. Not a single call or text - ever! Just silence. And the reaction in me was mystifying in its intensity. I lashed out with one angry text after the other and later felt enormous shame. On the one hand I feel justified in my anger (this was the 3rd night in a row that we booked in but it didn't happen), but on the other hand I feel puzzled by the vitriolic response and the anger I felt at being ignored and stuck in waiting.

I suppose my point is this: we should focus ore on why we go into these relationships in the first place and not so much on how it all ends. We should focus on self-knowledge and working on the only thing we CAN control... . and that's US not them!

I never really understood what FOO meant (in any meaningful way), but this book together with this BPD Forum has shown me:

- that I have an anxious / pre-occupied attachment style

- that I have a self-sacrifice / other-directed psychological schema

- that the role I play in relationships is one of peacemaker / scapegoat/ fixer / rescuer / payer

- that all of this stems from the blueprint i was handed by my parents

- that an incredible level of self-awareness is needed to break out of these established patterns

- that I won't feel shame for the things I have done in the heat of battle, knowing that they were largely pre-ordained

bb12

[bb12]

Just finished reading a great book by John Moore called Addiction to Love

Basically highlights probable cause for our poor relationship choices and the things we do to try to control our partners once in the relationship

For me, it hit the nail on the head. Not sure about you guys, but my break-up with the BPD ex was not the first in which I have felt crippling anxiety as I tried to get a read of them and did some silly things to be sure of their love and control them (or more to the point, that anxiety)

Not letting the xBPD off the hook all together, but boy can I see the damage that I brought to the table so clearly now. My dad was absent a lot and either disinterested or scary when he was home. Had some terrifying beatings as a kid. And my mum was inconsistent and strict, with a pathological concern for what other people think and for keeping up with the Joneses. In combination, it meant I had read the room; perform to receive love; and assume peace keeper duties to ensure a harmonious home. This was learned behaviour and became my blue print for later relationships.

The book cites many examples of stalking and the extreme things people with love addiction do to keep tabs on their partner. I was never that bad but can absolutely recognise how I test my partners... . push and pull... . and how calm I would feel when I had secured their love again after pushing them away.

My biggest trigger, I have discovered, is neglect / invalidation / indifference and not so much rejection or abandonment. When I think a relationship was THIS but it turns out to be THAT, I completely collapse. When I think I am as important to them as they are to me, I am devastated when the actions clearly prove they are not. Just the other night, someone I have been seeing very casually was due to come over. They texted saying they were on the highway back from the countryside and would be there at 8pm. So 830 I text to see how they're travelling. No response. Then 9pm I call to see if it's still happening. Not a single call or text - ever! Just silence. And the reaction in me was mystifying in its intensity. I lashed out with one angry text after the other and later felt enormous shame. On the one hand I feel justified in my anger (this was the 3rd night in a row that we booked in but it didn't happen), but on the other hand I feel puzzled by the vitriolic response and the anger I felt at being ignored and stuck in waiting.

I suppose my point is this: we should focus ore on why we go into these relationships in the first place and not so much on how it all ends. We should focus on self-knowledge and working on the only thing we CAN control... . and that's US not them!

I never really understood what FOO meant (in any meaningful way), but this book together with this BPD Forum has shown me:

- that I have an anxious / pre-occupied attachment style

- that I have a self-sacrifice / other-directed psychological schema

- that the role I play in relationships is one of peacemaker / scapegoat/ fixer / rescuer / payer

- that all of this stems from the blueprint i was handed by my parents

- that an incredible level of self-awareness is needed to break out of these established patterns

- that I won't feel shame for the things I have done in the heat of battle, knowing that they were largely pre-ordained

bb12

[Ihope2]

I suppose my point is this: we should focus ore on why we go into these relationships in the first place and not so much on how it all ends. We should focus on self-knowledge and working on the only thing we CAN control... . and that's US not them!

I appreciate this point that you make bb12!  This is what I am trying to keep in my own sight, at all times. It gets too easy to be caught up in the indignation of what the person with BPD "did to me".  I realise that I need to put the focus squarely back on myself and raise my own awareness into my issues, that also stem from way back when in my FOO.

[trappedinlove]

I suppose my point is this: we should focus ore on why we go into these relationships in the first place and not so much on how it all ends. We should focus on self-knowledge and working on the only thing we CAN control... . and that's US not them!

I appreciate this point that you make bb12!  This is what I am trying to keep in my own sight, at all times. It gets too easy to be caught up in the indignation of what the person with BPD "did to me".  I realise that I need to put the focus squarely back on myself and raise my own awareness into my issues, that also stem from way back when in my FOO.

lhope2, I completely agree that we need to focus more on ourselves and less on what the pwBPD did to us and why.

That said, though, at least in my case - sitting with and understanding why I cling so badly to a fantasy; to a r/s that clearly stopped working and to a person that makes it as clear as possible that she doesn't want me in her life - was a breakthrough for me.  Since I realized and accepted the root causes for my addictive and unhealthy behaviour - both to why I entered the relationship and to why I cling to it for so long after it's gone - I feel like I'm finally able to move forward with my life.

I still love, respect, and miss her BUT I can live without her and find happiness and satisfaction in what I do.  I'm no longer anxious and depressed about losing her (well, most of the time TBH).  I can focus on my life: my children, my job, my friends, working on my r/s with my parents, start doing new things, control related addictive dependencies (like to fb), and so on.

TIL

[bb12]

sitting with and understanding why I cling so badly to a fantasy; to a r/s that clearly stopped working and to a person that makes it as clear as possible that she doesn't want me in her life - was a breakthrough for me.  Since I realized and accepted the root causes for my addictive and unhealthy behaviour - both to why I entered the relationship and to why I cling to it for so long after it's gone - I feel like I'm finally able to move forward with my life.

Hey TIL

You articulated in 3 lines what I was trying to say in my rambling entry. The mystery is initially about THEM... . getting a read on them. Understanding them. And I guess that is an essential step : to try to make sense of what just happened. But beyond understanding BPD and their likely illness, we find another mystery: why we stayed when they treated us so badly; why we were so addicted; why we became so needy and clingy. For me, the book I mentioned has given me my first insight into root cause of all that... . basically the role I was forced to adopt as a child and the effects it still has on me today as regards relational dependency and love addiction.

It took a borderline to decimate me and to delve so deeply into all of this, but there is no denying that the neediness and clinginess I witnessed in myself was not new. I've had other less severe episodes of it before, so I knew that there was something about my own psychology that needed the same level of inspection.

Knowing where it stems from also helps dilute the shame I have felt at some of my own behaviour as the r/ship collapsed. I just hope that in the future, it leads me to walk away in the face of such indifference or a radical change in the behaviour of my partner. I don't want to be that person anymore who hangs on and tries to control my partner. I want to choose better, communicate better, work on it together, but also, if necessary, to leave with more dignity and pride and more love for myself



bb12

[Xstaticaddict]

It took a borderline to decimate me and to delve so deeply into all of this, but there is no denying that the neediness and clinginess I witnessed in myself was not new. I've had other less severe episodes of it before, so I knew that there was something about my own psychology that needed the same level of inspection.

Knowing where it stems from also helps dilute the shame I have felt at some of my own behaviour as the r/ship collapsed. I just hope that in the future, it leads me to walk away in the face of such indifference or a radical change in the behaviour of my partner. I don't want to be that person anymore who hangs on and tries to control my partner. I want to choose better, communicate better, work on it together, but also, if necessary, to leave with more dignity and pride and more love for myself



bb12

Well said bb. What you said about wanting to not control and cling and communicate better next time, and have the dignity to leave if they aren't committed to working on things perfectly outlines the formula that could have saved so much pain and frustration.

I find myself feeling ready to do all these things you mention, and longing for the opportunity to try with someone new. It's really hard.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts on that book, it sounds like a really helpful one. The urge to control my partner, and her me, has been present in all my long term relationships. I should definitely check this book out.