I need help again

[crookedeuphoria]

Tomorrow is one week no contact. I seem to be getting worse. I didn't expect that it would be easy overnight but this is crazy hard. I think this may be the longest we have gone without speaking to each other. I miss him. A lot. I am so sad, for everything that has happened and I am having a hard time with the reality of it all. I think I have been reading here for a week straight and I get it with my head but my heart can't process any of it.

I just went over and lurked on the staying board and those people don't seem very happy either. I find myself comparing and telling myself that my BPDbf wasn't that bad. He didn't cheat. He didn't really blame me for stuff. He would say horrible things like how much he hated me and he would call me names but after the fact he would apologize. He knew that there was something wrong with him. He would rage. I have at least ten holes in my walls. I watched him rip countless shirts off his back and saw him smash many things. I have a picture in my phone of when he sliced the crap out of himself and texted me the pic. He has overdosed on meds twice. I have taken him to a psych hospital where he spent about four days before signing himself out. He has shoved me several times and hit me once but to be fair to him, I have also gone at him violently (and, no, this is nothing I had EVER done before).

I have NO DOUBT that he has BPD. He meets every single one of the criteria for it. Every single one. But at the same time... . at the same time... . at the same time... . god, how I miss him. The way it felt like we were best friends. The way we got each other's sense of humor. The way we would laugh. The way we would dance. The way he would always mop the floor because he knew how much it stressed me out. The way he trusted me and would tell me how safe he felt with me. I loved that he felt safe with me because he hadn't had that before.

I feel like I have let him down. He put his trust in me. I told him he would never be alone and I lied. Because he is alone now.

[razemarie]

I can totally sympathize and relate to what you are going through.  I am on month 3 of LC (we have a child together) and have dealt with the same feelings you are going through.  The bummer is that there is no easy way through it.  You just have to keep reading the words of so many others on these boards, post when you need support and take one day at a time.  It's hard to convince the heart what the mind already knows.  My thoughts are with you.

[Mutt]

Hi crookedeuphoria,

You're struggling and missing your uBPDbf after a week of no contact. You're going through the most difficult part of no contact. Good for you for making it this far as tough as it is   There's a long  laundry list of scary things you mentioned, rages, holes in walls, ripping clothes off, physical attacks, hospital visits. If he is BPD these things will not go away and he won't be cured by love. This won't change unless he is willing to change and get diagnosed and help.

Are you missing the idealizations? How often and long was the devaluation in comparison? From my experience the undervaluing was often and mean, hurtful and painful. I stayed 7 years in the r/s hoping that the idealization phase would come back. It never did, that initial person I had met was gone for good. What helped in these moments of missing my ex is reminding myself of the bad things. Hang in there.

[crookedeuphoria]

Hi. Yes, I'm missing the idealization phase. Im not sure how long that phase lasted, or maybe it's really just been ending these last few months. In my r/s, the ups and downs/on and offs happened all the time, from pretty much the first month or two. We were in counseling together after two months. Yeah, red flags much? It was kind of like a couple days good, couple days bad from the very beginning. During the couple days good, I was what I would call idealized, couple days bad, I was black. The longest stretch we ever had of good was about our fourth month in and it lasted for three weeks. I believed then and still do that it was good for that long because there was some serious drama going on with his ex, so he had someone else to paint black during that time.

Usually, the texts from him are incessant when we aren't together. This time, there have been a few but nothing like they used to be and the last few months during our times apart they have been steadily decreasing. I don't know if it's because I am blacker than I've ever been or because he realizes that things have definitely come to a head and things would have to seriously change before I subject myself or my daughters to that life again.

The last couple of months, he had been calmer. Not nearly as many rages and not as extreme as they used to be. He didn't seem as happy either. Or maybe I wasn't, which fed his feelings of abandonment. I guess that's what I'm questioning now. Had he actually been starting to settle down a little.

The thing was, I was a mess. I was so on edge that I interpreted anything and everything as a sign that a storm was coming. I had been trained that way. I tried talking to him about it but his shame was too much and all he could really hear was me telling him everything he had done wrong over the course of our two years. That wasn't it at all. I was trying to get validation for how I was feeling, I needed him to understand.

The final time we were together, he came over and we were going to watch a pay per view. He came in, started setting his stuff on the counter and he spilled a glass of lemonade that was there. We had gotten into a fight earlier that day as well so I think we were both edgy from that. So, he spilled the lemonade and there were a lot of goddammits and a little yelling. It was really nothing in the scheme of things. I told him to get out, that I wasn't doing it. He texted after about what a c### I was and how he hates me and that he is allowed to say goddammit when he spilled something. My thought at the time was, no *I'm* allowed to say goddammit if I spill something because *I* don't have a rage problem. *I* don't have a partner who is walking on eggshells waiting for the other shoe to drop.

We texted a little in the next week but I told him that we needed some time apart. There was a text argument a week ago when he misunderstood something I was asking of him. That was the last time I have spoken to him. He's texted a couple times but I haven't answered.

But now I guess I am feeling guilty about that. It seems so ridiculous. After everything that's happened, I end it over spilled lemonade? It's all so confusing.

[wake up]

But now I guess I am feeling guilty about that. It seems so ridiculous. After everything that's happened, I end it over spilled lemonade? It's all so confusing.

It wasn't the lemonade- it was the straw that broke the camels back.  The thing is although we love them and we remember the good times and how loved we felt, the relationship will never be as good as that again because they only seem to get worse (as you discovered over on the staying forum) I gave up hoping and used a big thing to get out, but if I'm completely honest I could have stayed too.  Anyone of us could have stayed but we finally realised what we have been tolerating! I just know that my life will be happier without him, in the end so will yours - have some faith.  Sometimes the best learning happens when we are alone- he also needs to do some learning! 

As long as you were with him you were not free to meet someone who will be consistently kind and loving,  ok maybe you won't get such incredible highs with a normal guy, but you will have genuine love that you can trust and a man you can depend on to support and encourage you and make you happy (in a more stable and balanced kind of way).   A man you won't be afraid to talk to about problems, someone willing to compromise etc etc (the list goes on and on).

If you go back to him while he's not sorted you are telling him and yourself that you don't want the fair treatment and unconditional love that you get from a normal relationship... .

[crookedeuphoria]

As long as you were with him you were not free to meet someone who will be consistently kind and loving,  ok maybe you won't get such incredible highs with a normal guy, but you will have genuine love that you can trust and a man you can depend on to support and encourage you and make you happy (in a more stable and balanced kind of way).   A man you won't be afraid to talk to about problems, someone willing to compromise etc etc (the list goes on and on).[/quote]
I don't know if I'll ever be able to have a "healthy" relationship. This one showed me how messed up I really am. And I loved those highs. Even the lows became an addiction of sorts.

[wake up]

As long as you were with him you were not free to meet someone who will be consistently kind and loving,  ok maybe you won't get such incredible highs with a normal guy, but you will have genuine love that you can trust and a man you can depend on to support and encourage you and make you happy (in a more stable and balanced kind of way).   A man you won't be afraid to talk to about problems, someone willing to compromise etc etc (the list goes on and on).

I don't know if I'll ever be able to have a "healthy" relationship. This one showed me how messed up I really am. And I loved those highs. Even the lows became an addiction of sorts.[/quote]
I know, me too I got addicted- you start to almost enjoy the fight because you know they will be nice after... . But that's not a way to live!

But really this one showed you how strong you are and how much you can tolerate and still love someone, imagine with a more balanced guy how wonderful it would feel.  You have poured a lot of love and energy into someone that didn't treasure you as he should have.  We are all deserving of better than that treatment.  Just look at the damage the relationship has done to your self esteem and self worth- it's going to take time to get over that damage, and the healthier you are, the more self respect you have, the more you will run for the hills when you come across him or someone like him. 

One thing I'm not ever doing again is getting recycled because I don't want to have this pain again in my life.  It's hurts more in the short term but long term happiness is the plan.

Read through your list of reasons why you ended it and you will feel stronger hun.  If not then try to go do some things he didn't let you do (if he was the controlling type).  Personally I used to love playing pool and he stopped me because it often meant interacting with strangers.  It was one of my few hobbies.  Guess whats the first thing I'm doing after my exams? Hehe :P can't wait

[Littleleft]

 

I think wake ups suggestions are a good idea.  Do you have any nasty texts from him that you can look at when your mind is consumed with missing the good times?  For a few months I kept a journal of what was happening and I also did many sounds recordings of the rages (incase I needed to show someone what was happening or if his dr wanted to see/hear) so if/when I'm feeling like I've made a mistake in breaking up or feeling unsure in any way then I'm going to look/listen to those and the horrible texts too.

Try to do whatever you can to not allow your mind time to dwell on those memories that are making you feel pain, whether that's replacing the thoughts of the good times with the bad, or distraction of some sort (keeping busy, doing things you like to do, exercise etc).