New therapist says she will never change either

[zenwexler]

So I have a new therapist because I moved and suprise suprise what does he say?

"Well it sounds like she has some personality traits that make it very difficult to have a relationship.

She probably will never change unfortunately.

People who are in relationships with a BPD are rarely ever truly happy.

She most likely never will be happy and well adjusted.

She's like driving a 100 miles an hour in a  convertible, fun. But very very dangerous"

Although I don't love this new therapist it's still erily similar to what my other therapist said and everyone else on here!

[antjs]

i did not need a therapist to tell me so (he did anyway) in case of my ex. she is 29 years old. divorced to a 50 years old man and had 2 abortions (she claimed that one of them was his child just before the divorce was finished and the other in an impulsive episode during depression post-divorce with one of her work colleagues). you know sometimes young people are stupid and make mistakes.

her following bfs were 38,49 years old. of course she has daddy issues. i think her dad is the reason for her misery and the one who made her BPD. she told me a lot about how he was cheating on her mom. anyway, if you made a mistake and got a divorce from a 50 years old man while you were 26 you can move on and learn from your mistakes. she kept dating men of her dad's age. she is so disordered that she split her parents black and one dawn she escaped her country and went to america. i could see the pattern from day one but we all know how strong the idealization phase (and she victimizing herself) is.

all in all she is 29 years old with 3 ex-fiances, 1 ex-husband, 2 abortions and 3 ex-bfs of daddy's age. nothing will change specially that they have this attitude of "its never my fault"

[WalrusGumboot]

I don't like to use the words "never" or "always" because there is always   a chance.

My first T specialized in BPD and he had success cases, but they were the few exceptions. I think it is more realistic to hope for improvement.

[BorisAcusio]

She's like driving a 100 miles an hour in a  convertible, fun. But very very dangerous

That is an apt analogy. I would add that an unreliable one. It always brokes down when you really need it, not practical for everyday use while the maintenance fee is eating up your budget.  

[antjs]

my therapist (he is one of the best in the country and i paid fortunes to see him) informed me that most BPDs do not seek treatment. majority of them who seek counseling is to victimize themselves and treatment is not a goal. they even manipulate and seduce psychologists. and even the ones that really wants to be treated are just controlled.

he said that DBT is just used to train them to control their intensive emotions, to make their lives more tolerable and less scandalous. he said that the goal of treatment is to make their lives less dramatic and hectic. see all he is saying is less negative nothing purely positive. i think BPD is not curable, it can just be controlled if the subject is willingly trying to seek help. i think most BPDs are aware that at least they are very different from the majority but they dont seek to know why as they cant handle the emotions of feeling anything wrong with them.

[zenwexler]

Yeah it was just nice to hear yet another professional tell me the same thing as everyone else. Since I haven't talked to her in a month my anxiety tells me she's off having a blast. Loving life. But it's lies lies lies. Just something I have to keep reminding myself.

[zenwexler]

It's also interesting because any time I talk to a well adjusted girl I'm like blown away by their maturity, genuineness, ability to actually function and complete everyday tasks, their positivity and fun attitude, non princess mentality, and their ability to think of others and actually do nice things for me that shows they care. The fact that those things blow me away, take me by surprise, and practically make me want to cry are all the proof that I need that my ex really did have serious issues, and that she really did abuse me. And that I was her third relationship in two years that she was "in love" with that if she hasn't learned now she won't ever.

[AG]

Great post I needed this going to bookmark this as a reminder to myself.

[Turkish]

my therapist (he is one of the best in the country and i paid fortunes to see him) informed me that most BPDs do not seek treatment. majority of them who seek counseling is to victimize themselves and treatment is not a goal. they even manipulate and seduce psychologists. and even the ones that really wants to be treated are just controlled.

he said that DBT is just used to train them to control their intensive emotions, to make their lives more tolerable and less scandalous. he said that the goal of treatment is to make their lives less dramatic and hectic. see all he is saying is less negative nothing purely positive. i think BPD is not curable, it can just be controlled if the subject is willingly trying to seek help. i think most BPDs are aware that at least they are very different from the majority but they dont seek to know why as they cant handle the emotions of feeling anything wrong with them.

My T, while he may not have completely bought my BPD "dX" told me early on that personalities typically don't change. He only saw her twice before she abandoned therapy. She flat out told him she didn't trust men (a huge revelation for me which makes a lot of sense). All in all, he was centering me from ascribing every tiny behavior of hers to some mental illness.

He also told me to take a lot of psychology with a grain of salt. That was funny to me, since he has a PhD. In another session, he said,"you have a healthy disrespect for my profession. I'll tell you a little secret: so do I." I think he was reminding me that therapists were human, and despite claims by some to the contrary, there can be quite a bit of dissention within their ranks. One only needs to research the controversies surrounding each subsequent version of the DSM to see examples.

Marsha Linehan, the inventor of DBT, is a self-cured pwBPD. She was diagnosed with schizophrenia in the 60s. In retrospect, she thinks she was incorrectly diagnosed and had BPD. She was also key in developing the concept of validation, because in the beginning, she realized she was invalidating many of her clients in therapy.

AJ Mahari is a professional member of this site, and is a self-described "cured Borderline." Her ebooks are available on google books (at least one that I started reading), and it's fascinating to hear her describe her uncured self in a 3rd person tone.

oceanheart is a member who is on "this" side of BPD. While those cured or on their way are rare gems, it can be helpful to get some perpective from the "source" as it were:

BPD Behaviors: How it feels to have BPD

[antjs]

It's also interesting because any time I talk to a well adjusted girl I'm like blown away by their maturity, genuineness, ability to actually function and complete everyday tasks, their positivity and fun attitude, non princess mentality, and their ability to think of others and actually do nice things for me that shows they care. The fact that those things blow me away, take me by surprise, and practically make me want to cry are all the proof that I need that my ex really did have serious issues, and that she really did abuse me. And that I was her third relationship in two years that she was "in love" with that if she hasn't learned now she won't ever.

i was with my friend and his gf last night. i was telling myself "oh wow she can be a really adorable gf and a human. look how she talks, smiles, being sincere oh wait... . i know her for so long. i have never said so. why now ? ohhhhhhh her behavior is normal. seems that i have forgotten how normal girls are"

[Arminius]

After experiencing BPD, normal women seem amazing.

There is NO substitute for authenticity.

[trappedinlove]

I encountered two women that were significant to me that have BPD traits.

One is my uBPDxso and the other is my D18 who was diagnosed with BPD traits.

Both of them changed and had ups and downs.

One of the Ts we saw in family therapy following my leaving of my ex-wife (not BPD though had her own bag of issues) was married to a BPD and he told me in a desperate tone that they never change and it's going to be a life long challenge dealing with my daughter who was 15 at the time and he basically offered no treatment. That, today, I know is inaccurate, because BPDs that do decide to get help can improve a lot using DBT and medication, for example.  The main point though is that the decision to get therapy and be committed to it must come from them and be very genuine as the road to recovery can be long (never-ending) and bumpy.

That was REALLY depressing to me and needless to say we didn't stay long with this T.

So my daughter, 3 years later is doing MUCH MUCH better with her life.

I still see the BPD traits but she copes with them better and her surroundings tolerate her better.  I'd say that the close circle, immediate family plus extended family learnt to lower our expectations from her and this reduced the tension level and the swings in her mood and r/s-related behaviour.

My uBPDxso was high functioning when we've met and on a very positive trajectory while we were friends, or so it seemed. Until she was badly triggered by abandonment and then all hell broke loose. I suspect there were a few weeks she even got back to cutting (I'm not 100% sure about that).  Got back to drinking a lot and with that reckless sex and impulsive relationships with men (like 1 months "deep love" affairs, or an affair with a guy 17 years younger than her she was hiding from everyone but posted undeniable hints about him on fb to a closed list of friends, including me).  She essentially left her S18 and moved away to a different town, leaving her son to live with his father, changed circle of friends, made significant and destructive changes in her business and so on.  :)oing so on an impulse she felt after having a nervous breakdown where she lost consciousness and had a stroke symptoms.

In any case, the bottom line is that the disorder may indeed remain forever, for periods of time in a latent state, but it may burst out when triggered by crisis.  That's extremely unfortunate but can be manageable.

In my case, I'm not waiting on her any more.  I never say never and things might change in the future.  I didn't paint her black, and I don't have and hard irreversible feelings for her although I'm very hurt by the way she treated me but I understand where it comes from.  So if things would change for her in the future and I see she understands her disorder and committed to treatment and is serious about building a truthful relationship with me, I'd be open to consider it.  But I need to see a genuine change first.

[zenwexler]

After experiencing BPD, normal women seem amazing.

There is NO substitute for authenticity.

This is beyond true! These girls literally blow me away. I think I met open up a new post with this topic alone because it really has taken me by suprise. I almost have forgotten what it's like to be in a happy healthy relationship with another happy healthy individual.