Sorry seems to be the hardest word

[itgirl]

Hi

It's been going really well with my relationship with uBPDgf.  There is just one thing that I can't stand and that is she never ever apologize. Even when she is blatantly wrong.  I however have no problem to apologize. But lately it feels like if I don't apologize she will stay angry forever.

So my questions are as follows:

1.  Why is it hard to apologiZe. Does being wrong hurt their self esteem.

2.  What can I do to make it better for myself when this happens. Not be the doormat and apologies to keep the peace.

3.  Why  can't she ever take  any criticism  as positive. She always blows up every time.

Thank you

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[lostincolo]

I don't have any answers as I am very very new to BPD.  I can say I have seen these same behaviors exhibited by my uBPD mother.  Hence my tag line below.  Oh and don't even get me started on the criticism.  You just don't go there.

[maxsterling]

Rules of the BPD mind:

1)  My hurt > your hurt

2)  I shouldn't have to apologize for how I naturally am - YOU triggered me!

3)  It's not okay for you to do to me what I do to everyone else.  Double standards are the rule in relationships with BPD partners.

What you experience is the same as what I experience.  Some of it you will just have to accept. 

As far as criticism - probably best if you get out of the habit of criticizing anyone, BPD or not.  Most people don't like criticism, but they at least understand.  pwBPD will always feel attacked and go through the roof.  Especially bad is any implication that their behavior causes you pain.  There are better ways to communicate your feelings without being critical of them. 

Apologies?  Good luck.  I don't know why it is so hard for them.  I'm asked to apologize for simple typos, yet she can scream "I hate you!" at me and not apologize. 

How to make it better - accept BPD for what it is.  Accept you cannot change that.  Accept where you do have control - over you.  If she gets on your case about something, tell her that you won't be present for hurtful behaviors, and leave the room if they continue.  Don't apologize for things more than once, or for things you had no control over. 

[Ceruleanblue]

Well, you are not alone. My husband will sometimes apologize, but it means nothing. He doesn't truly mean it, because he just does the same things to me over and over. His apologies are almost a form of manipulation. Lately, he hardly apologizes at all.

And the double standards are just horrible. Everything he does is just fine, but I'm not allowed the same rights. It's really frustrating.

[JohnLove]

Sorry seems to be the easiest word for some with BPD.

I have piles of sorry's under my work bench, in the kitchen, my home office has them piled high all over the desks, I have plenty in my car, they are littered throughout my home and I'm currently using a shovel to relocate boxes and boxes of "sorry's" to underneath the house.

I feel I have too many... . I have asked her to stop... . they just keep coming.

Sorry without any remorse is a interesting question. If I say sorry to someone... . I really mean it and straight after I usually offer some complimentary action of myself to prove I was and (if relevant) compensate the person who "feels" I have wronged them.

[maxsterling]

John - hmm.  You mean like this?

"Sorry I yelled."  And 2 minutes later followed by more yelling.  You are right.  I get a few "sorrys", but how do you trust it if behaviors don't change?

[Ceruleanblue]

JohnLove:

Like your pwBPD, mine was good at "sorry" for a while. I also heard that his ex used to complain about this, and it was brought out when they did couples therapy too. My uBPDh has told me the therapist told him that if he only said he was "sorry", over and over, with no change in behavior ever, then he truly wasn't sorry. I think he told me this thinking I'd side with HIM... . . Uhm no, I feel the same way.

And I think the entire time I've known him, I've maybe gotten ONE genuine sounding apology, but again, in the heat of his next rage, his behavior didn't change. Which to me, made it another disingenuous apology.

Like you, if I'm sorry, I apologize, explaining WHY I'm sorry, and I try to not do the offending behavior again.

[StayOrLeave15]

My uBPDgf called me up today very stressed out and started yelling at me.  When I offered some suggestions to cope with the things stressing her she cut me off and said, "I need real solutions not this BS you're saying." At this point I'd had enough so I told her to take a few minutes and call me back. 

Fast forward 2 hours later.  She'll hardly talk to me. She's telling me what I did wrong, that I had a "tone" and I "wasn't there for her" even though I tried calling her back and was very sympathetic to her stress.  She told me all the things I did wrong, how I was more concerned about my feelings than hers.  But then when she "returned" from her "BPD episode" as I like to call them she apologized for talking to me the way she did.  Then she went on to say how when she is upset it isn't her job to calm me down.  That wasn't what I was asking for.  I wanted to take a time out so the situation didn't escalate.

What's my point?  They apologize.  But mine usually has to stick something in there and try and get the last word.

[Hope26]

I think Cerulean Blue got it exactly right:  "And the double standards are just horrible. Everything he does is just fine, but I'm not allowed the same rights".

I've reminded myself so many times that I have to keep my mouth shut, because I'm not the one who is allowed to be critical in this relationship.  And that even when he endangers us physically by being an angry driver and taking a risk at a red light, like he did the other day.  I guess I need to 'vent' a little today too.  It seems they have so much anger bottled up inside, that is always looking for an opportunity to escape.