He chose to say he has a "friend"

[Banshee]

 Nearly a month ago I finally came out and asked after pretty much knowing , was he seeing someone. He texted back "I do have a friend" I haven't contacted again since then.

My question is after reading so many stories ,is what do  you think are the reasons some  people with BPD

seem to flaunt their new relationship or

some lie about their relationship

and like my ex ,minimized his relationship by saying friend?

Are their different reasons for this and how did you feel with the reason you got?



I didn't feel he did it to keep me an option but to let me down easier, I'm not sure about this but it's where my feeling lean more towards.

[woodsposse]

 

I think there is an inherent frustration in asking what I think it is you are asking. 

Although it may seem like trying to come to a logistic reasoning as to why/where the lies come from or why they do it - in reality it does nothing but to frustrate because at the end of the day... . the reason is irrelevant.

And, regardless of the reasons - for the most part, the end result feelings are the exact same.  A lie is a lie is a lie (a cheat is a cheat is a cheat).

My thoughts (these days) lean more towards if we are in a position where we "pretty much knew" what was going on - how are our boundaries/reactions to finding out the news?  Do we try and bend and have them stay?  Do we have an emotional acting out - and then leave?  Do we want them to explain and come back to us with their tail tucked between their legs in forgiveness... .

What would having this question answered do for you?

[Banshee]

What would having this question answered do for you?

I really have no answer as to what it would do for me... a lot of the break ups have to do with the BPD ex's seeing someone else eventually (before during or after the relationship) So asking  people what they think  of their BPD'S choice of telling  and how the Non felt about it, seemed like a harmless thing to ask.

I don't know the reason why I do, feel and ask things , but I'm working on it. I'm trying to learn but haven't quite got their yet.

[woodsposse]

What would having this question answered do for you?

I really have no answer as to what it would do for me... a lot of the break ups have to do with the BPD ex's seeing someone else eventually (before during or after the relationship) So asking  people what they think  of their BPD'S choice of telling  and how the Non felt about it, seemed like a harmless thing to ask.

I don't know the reason why I do, feel and ask things , but I'm working on it. I'm trying to learn but haven't quite got their yet.

Oh that I totally understand.  And it is quite normal to ask and do and feel things.  You wouldn't be human if you didn't.  I use to ask those things of myself all the time.  Whether I was ruminating or just "day dreaming".  All of it is a way to process what has happened to us.  And, again, it's totally normal.

I think where I'm at now is... . asking the questions is great... . but trying to figure out what they answers to the questions do for me leads me down a path of healing.  And for me, personally, I finally got to a point where the answers are no longer needed.  Mostly because the end result is going to be the exact same - so the engergy I have already gave to this is no longer needed.

One thing I had read is we (collectively as humans) will continue to give a think the thought energy we think it needs until we no longer need to do it.  Maybe I"m just at that point (which feels great... . by the way).

[seeking balance]

Nearly a month ago I finally came out and asked after pretty much knowing , was he seeing someone. He texted back "I do have a friend" I haven't contacted again since then.

My question is after reading so many stories ,is what do  you think are the reasons some  people with BPD

seem to flaunt their new relationship or

some lie about their relationship

and like my ex ,minimized his relationship by saying friend?

Are their different reasons for this and how did you feel with the reason you got?



I didn't feel he did it to keep me an option but to let me down easier, I'm not sure about this but it's where my feeling lean more towards.

Banshee - I think we ask the questions because we are looking to see our own worthiness and most of us have done it, myself included.

His answer, or frankly my exes or anyone's answer (this will sound harsh) should be "NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS". 

Boundaries - ours/theirs - once a relationship is over, most of us want the unanswered questions so we can learn to trust ourselves again - did what we see or what we experience matter, did I matter, was it real?

Whether they lie to protect themselves or protect us about a new relationship is not really our business - that was really hard for me to accept too... . but once I did accept it, another layer of the grief washed away.

Good question - brave question - tough answer.

Peace,

SB

[Banshee]

What is wrong with me today?  Yes it seems harsh saying "NONE OF MY BUSINESS" but it really isn't my business.

I'm still blaming his words,actions and choices on how I feel I suppose.

Even so I still wonder and atleast I'm not asking HIM.

I feel grumpy that he can he treat me that way , I get confused over it and bothered and then told it's not my business.

I understand completely but feel a bit like having a tantrum because he did the whole stinking relationship and I  have to be the one to be bigger , get over it, move on and keep my nose out of it with no answers.

I just feel like the nursery rhyme... .



Nobody likes me, everybody hates me,

I think I'll go eat worms!

Big fat juicy ones,

Eensie weensy squeensy ones,

See how they wiggle and squirm!

Down goes the first one, down goes the second one,

Oh how they wiggle and squirm!

Up comes the first one, up comes the second one,

Oh how they wiggle and squirm!


yea I'm in a funk today, thank you so much, I really needed to hear the truth even if it burned a bit

[seeking balance]

What is wrong with me today? 

NOTHING, there is nothing wrong with you!

You feel:

I feel grumpy that he can he treat me that way ,

Be grumpy, we all get to be grumpy when we need to be.  It sucks being in it, but be there as long as you need to - it will pass... . it always does.

For the record, I tell myself this same thing when I feel grumpy, I do a lot of self talk... . I even eye roll at myself 

Seriously, there is nothing wrong with you, you are hurt and you are processing hurt - this is what it looks like... . grumpy, angry, then sad/tears... . rinse and repeat.

,

SB

[woodsposse]

 

Being a big ole grump is okay.  I know I get like that, still, from time to time. 

But it's okay to feel how you feel.  It really is. 

And tantrums are allowed.  They really are... . especially here!  Mostly because "we get you"!

And this too shall pass.  I promise it will.