28 years and KAPUTT

[Hopeless777]

Leaving L2 and now on L3. My complete story is here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=214252.0

The last year has been weekly therapy... . useless to save my marriage to a upBPDw. New therapist now and couples counseling maybe: she keeps changing her mind. Not NC... . probably should be, but I can't yet quite give her up entirely. Statement to my therapist: "I feel better being berated than ignored. When she ignores me I feel like I no longer exist. Her hate is better than indifference. I think this attitude is not healthy for me and when I think about it I get anxious and depressed. I feel like doom is right around the corner and I'm scared." Therapist is helping me get over this and I have good days and bad. Separated now 3+ weeks. This is the longest we've been apart in 28 years. I no longer know what to do other than begin trying to take care of me. But its really hard when you've worked so long only taking care of others.

[seeking balance]

I no longer know what to do other than begin trying to take care of me. But its really hard when you've worked so long only taking care of others.

Welcome to Leaving Hopeless - I am sorry that you have found yourself here... . after 28 years, no doubt you feel lost.

3 weeks is not a lot of time, but it probably feels like a long time to you.  It does sounds like your new T is working for you.

There are many lessons and workshops on leaving that can help us make sense of things - and it sounds like you have a good basic understanding since you have been in T and couples T.

Has your T given you a strategy or exercise in perhaps finding a new hobby to help fill your time now?

Peace,

SB

[imstronghere2]

I know that right now it may feel hopeless but it's not and it will take A LOT of time to heal from this.  I did 22 years with mine before she imploded and fell off the deep end of the BPD pool but now that I'm 3 years out of it, I'm really beginning to get a grip on life again.  No BS on that.  It's nowhere near 100% but it sure as Hell is a lot better then it was.  I'm 52 and was raised by a BPD mother so I accept my fate in life at this point and that really is ok.  Acceptance of who and what you are and allowing yourself to get back to the life you were meant to live is key.

That best thing is that you're finally free.  Free to live YOUR life that way YOU decide.  We're NOT supposed to take care of them.  Somehow we were programmed to believe that but that's not the way it works.  And that's OK.

[Octoberfest]

I know that right now it may feel hopeless but it's not and it will take A LOT of time to heal from this.  I did 22 years with mine before she imploded and fell off the deep end of the BPD pool but now that I'm 3 years out of it, I'm really beginning to get a grip on life again.  No BS on that.  It's nowhere near 100% but it sure as Hell is a lot better then it was.  I'm 52 and was raised by a BPD mother so I accept my fate in life at this point and that really is ok.  Acceptance of who and what you are and allowing yourself to get back to the life you were meant to live is key.

That best thing is that you're finally free.  Free to live YOUR life that way YOU decide.  We're NOT supposed to take care of them.  Somehow we were programmed to believe that but that's not the way it works.  And that's OK.

Wise works here.

Keep posting Hopeless.  I only did 9 months with my BPDex and it has been very hard for me, so I can't imagine what you are dealing with after spending 28 years with yours.  Do know that you have a great group of people here who have experienced much of the same that you have, and who are here to support you as you get back on your feet and figure things out.

Stay strong

Octoberfest

[Hopeless777]

I guess the part I need the most help with right now is how to make it through the legal stuff. Thankfully, kids are out of the house and on their own. I've refused to sell any assets in the home or the marital residence (where my uBPDw lives) unless and until a legal separation agreement is signed. She says she wants me to "serve her with divorce papers." But, of course, that's not how it works. First divide up the assets. Second sell the house. Third agree on spousal support. But before everything starts (other than my moving out), negotiate and sign legal separation documents. She obviously doesn't understand the process and I'm not sure I can make it through the heartache involved. I'll push for mediation as a way for an amicable settlement. Otherwise I just get too emotional and blow up. We're in therapy and still "see" each other once a week or so (mostly so she can get laid.) She is "christian". God knows what that means anymore. How do I emotionally survive the next six months? Its to the point that I want her and loathe her. Ugh! Its so confusing.

[seeking balance]

I guess the part I need the most help with right now is how to make it through the legal stuff. Thankfully, kids are out of the house and on their own. I've refused to sell any assets in the home or the marital residence (where my uBPDw lives) unless and until a legal separation agreement is signed. She says she wants me to "serve her with divorce papers." But, of course, that's not how it works. First divide up the assets. Second sell the house. Third agree on spousal support. But before everything starts (other than my moving out), negotiate and sign legal separation documents. She obviously doesn't understand the process and I'm not sure I can make it through the heartache involved. I'll push for mediation as a way for an amicable settlement. Otherwise I just get too emotional and blow up. We're in therapy and still "see" each other once a week or so (mostly so she can get laid.) She is "christian". God knows what that means anymore. How do I emotionally survive the next six months? Its to the point that I want her and loathe her. Ugh! Its so confusing.

OK - the best advice I got during the divorce is to get the best lawyer and therapist for yourself that you can afford.

The legal board is a wealth of knowledge - and your first stop needs to be picking up the book Splitting by Bill Eddy the second is to call and interview a few attorneys.

Mediation RARELY works with BPD - mediation requires the mindset of 2 rational people... .

Please do protect yourself by getting the book Splitting and honestly letting attorney handle this for you... . I thought I could "negotiate" with my ex also, even with the help of our MC... . eventually our savings accounts were wiped out and held "hostage"... . I am not saying this to scare you.  I am simply telling you what I was told and I did it my way and learned the lesson the hard way.

Peace,

SB

[Hopeless777]

Thanks Seeking Balance. Yes, I have the book Splitting and I'm already about half way through. I have the best divorce attorney in the county but have him on hold since my uBPDw can't keep a thought straight. First she wants a divorce, then doesn't (but only if "I" get "help" for "my" abuse), then back and forth. I want NC, but right now with the split so recent and the financial issues its not entirely possible, plus, it be candid, I miss the woman I married and I don't know where she went. I guess I'm still just down right sad and feel hopeless.

[seeking balance]

I miss the woman I married and I don't know where she went. I guess I'm still just down right sad and feel hopeless.

yeah, I remember wondering where the person I married went too... . tough stuff 

[Boss302]

I'm no attorney but given your wife's volatility, I'd definitely recommend talking to your lawyer right now about how to protect your assets. Get that going ASAP.

And I'm going to say this: you sound better than you did when I first encountered you. Stay strong!

[Hopeless777]

Here I sit on a Friday night with the texts flying in from the uBPDw and me not responding. And I'm jumping back and forth between L2 and L3 and sometimes I wish I were on L5, and so I must be crazier than her. Now she says that since I'm "ethical" and a "man of God" she's sure I won't "screw her" financially. The attempted guilt trips just go on and on. Get this: last week she says she wants me to "date her" twice a week. So I ask her out for Saturday night and she rejects me. Go figure. Trying to stay very LC. Still hard.

Thanks Boss302. Your words always mean a lot to me.

[imstronghere2]

Get this: last week she says she wants me to "date her" twice a week. So I ask her out for Saturday night and she rejects me. Go figure. Trying to stay very LC. Still hard.

Sounds eerily familiar.  When my exwBPD moved out she pretty much said the same thing.  I told her to go F herself.

[Boss302]

Here I sit on a Friday night with the texts flying in from the uBPDw and me not responding. And I'm jumping back and forth between L2 and L3 and sometimes I wish I were on L5, and so I must be crazier than her. Now she says that since I'm "ethical" and a "man of God" she's sure I won't "screw her" financially. The attempted guilt trips just go on and on. Get this: last week she says she wants me to "date her" twice a week. So I ask her out for Saturday night and she rejects me. Go figure. Trying to stay very LC. Still hard.

Thanks Boss302. Your words always mean a lot to me.

No, you're not crazy (at least as far as anyone can tell) - but her behavior is. It's "bag of cats" nutty.