Have you seen this article?
Codependency and Codependent RelationshipsThis workshop:
TOOLS: Dealing with Enmeshment and CodependenceOr these books:
Conquering Shame and Codependency - Darlene Lancer, JD, MFTOther BooksA friend gave me a book called "How to be an adult." There's a section called "Maintaining Personal Boundaries" that includes a checklist on "boundaries in relationships" that I found helpful (pasted below). I read Melody Beattie's book Codependent No More, but I felt like pretty much every behavior could be described as codependent, including ones that seemed contradictory. Still, that book is considered the gold standard. She also wrote a more updated version that isn't so specific to substance abuse, which the first one is.
When your boundaries are intact in a relationship, you:
1. Have clear preferences and act on them
2. Recognize when you are happy/unhappy
3. Acknowledge moods and circumstances around you while remaining centered (live actively)
4. Do more when that gets results
5. Trust your own intuition while being open to others' opinions
6. Live optimistically while co-working on change
7. Are only satisfied if you are thriving
8. Are encouraged by sincere ongoing change for the better
9. Have excited interest in self-enhancing hobbies and projects
10. Have a personal standard that, albeit flexible, applies to everyone and ask for accountability
11. Appreciate feedback and can distinguish it from attempts to manipulate
12. Relate only to partners with whom mutual love is possible
13. Are strongly affected by your partner's behavior and take it as information
14. Integrate sex so that you can enjoy it but never at the cost of your integrity
15. See your partner as stimulating your excitement
16. Let yourself feel anger, say "ouch!" and embark on a program of change
17. Act out of agreement and negotiation
18. Only do favors you choose to do (can say no)
19. Honor intuitions and distinguish them from wishes
20. Insist others' boundaries be as safe as your own
21. Mostly feel secure and clear
22. Are always aware of choices
23. Are living a life that mostly approximates what you always wanted for yourself
24. Decide how, to what extent, and how long you will be committed
25. Protect your private matters without having to lie or be surreptitious
(the above 25 points define "self-parenting"
When you give up your boundaries in a relationship, you:
1. Are unclear about your preferences
2. Do not notice unhappiness since enduring is your concern
3. Alter your behavior, plans, or opinions to fit the current moods or circumstances of another (live reactively)
4. Do more and more for less and less
5. Take as truth the most recent opinion you have heard
6. Live hopefully while wishing and waiting
7. Are satisfied if you are coping and surviving
8. Let the other's minimal improvements maintain your stalemate
9. Have few hobbies because you have no attention span for self-directed activity
10. Make exceptions for this person for things you would not tolerate in anyone else and accept alibis
11. Are manipulated by flattery so that you lose objectivity
12. Keep trying to create intimacy with a narcissist
13. Are so strongly affected by another that obsession results
14. Will forsake every personal limit to get sex or the promise of it
15. See your partner as causing your excitement
16. Feel hurt and victimized but not angry
17. Act out of compliance and compromise
18. Do favors that you inwardly resist (cannot say no)
19. Disregard intuition in favor of wishes
20. Allow your partner to abuse your children or friends
21. Mostly feel afraid and confused
22. Are enmeshed in a drama that unfolds beyond your control
23. Are living a life that is not yours, and that seems unalterable
24. Commit yourself for as long as the other needs you to be committed that way (no bottom line)
25. Believe you have no right to secrets
(the above 25 points define "co-dependency)
