help yet another 4 way meeting

[Imreadytodate]

2 plus years at this and no light at the end of the tunnel. Had our 4 way meeting recently and despite stbx wife agreeing to split custody at 50% ( GAL recommendation) she refused to sign temp agreement and sent back a number of significant changes. I am dying to get out of the house but will not cave on custody or give her right of first refusals she asks for. She has other request that are somewhat reasonable but do I cave to move out of the house and get my kids sanity at least 50% of the time with me? Whats more important long term ? Getting out and giving up my leverage and staying in this hostile environment that my kids have to witness conflict, anger etc... . ?

[Boss302]

2 plus years at this and no light at the end of the tunnel. Had our 4 way meeting recently and despite stbx wife agreeing to split custody at 50% ( GAL recommendation) she refused to sign temp agreement and sent back a number of significant changes. I am dying to get out of the house but will not cave on custody or give her right of first refusals she asks for. She has other request that are somewhat reasonable but do I cave to move out of the house and get my kids sanity at least 50% of the time with me? Whats more important long term ? Getting out and giving up my leverage and staying in this hostile environment that my kids have to witness conflict, anger etc... . ?

I think you know the answer.

[enlighten me]

Personally I would go for sanity. If your stressed, angry and just plain worn out how well are you setting an example to the kids? They need to see that you are stable for them. Their rock.

I moved out of my house and left my ex there with my son and her 2 kids for their sake not mine. They have in my opinion enough worries without being uprooted. At the end of the day what is worth more? A house or your and your childrens sanity?

[Imreadytodate]

Boss  Candidly if I knew for sure I wouldn't be asking

[gherkins]

I've been posting in another thread. My husband tried so hard to be reasonable and caved on a number of issues so that he could be a positive role model for his daughter.  Six years later, he is still struggling to talk to her and get access to information.  My advice would be to hold fast.  It sucks for you, but down the road, you may be in a better position to take care of your kids.  But please, please, please make sure that you and your kids all have counselling. It makes such a difference to have an impartial person to talk to about the bat-___ craziness you are dealing with.

[Boss302]

Boss  Candidly if I knew for sure I wouldn't be asking

I'm not sure what you're trying to "leverage" by staying, but if you want my opinion, if you're leaving anyway, and you have the chance to leave and have the kids half the time, do it. They need as much stability as they can get, and you setting up a stable home provides that. You also need to take care of yourself, and I'd imagine that's damn near impossible living with your ex.

My two cents' worth... .

[ForeverDad]

If she doesn't agree with the GAL, then likely the judge will rule very closely to what the GAL recommends.  So why Waste Time weakening the GAL's recommendation?  Since it's a presumably a favorable GAL recommendation, or at least a reasonably fair one, why not stop quibbling with her and instead of letting her chip away at it just head to court to let the judge decide?

Two years... . why has it taken so long and you still aren't close to a trial?  Has ex managed to delay the case by endlessly almost making a deal?  I get the impression you're trying for a settlement and you won't get it until she's virtually forced to settle.  In many cases, mine included, that was "on the court house steps" just before trial or a major hearing.  Until then the disordered spouse is just too entitled.  My ex had a favorable temporary order and so she had every reason to delay the case as much as she could, delay didn't put her at a disadvantage.

Can you step back and look at your case from an objective distance, as though it was a friend's case and not yours?  Are you only trying to make a settlement?  If so, that is the wrong tactic in these cases.  As I look back on my years in and out of court, getting a trial or hearing was incentive for my ex to relent and give in a little.  But it works only with the threat of a judge deciding the matter hanging over our heads.  For me that was a good stance since the odds were that a judge would order more than my ex would settle for.

Does that make sense?

[Imreadytodate]

It makes sense. sadly we had our pre trail conference last week and the judge wouldn't give us a trial date. We don't have another pre trial conference until September.

[ForeverDad]

Judge really wants a settlement, could be judge expects both of you to realize court is determined to outwait until you negotiate, but real negotiation is not likely unless ex is under pressure, until then... . brick wall versus immovable object.  Settle only if she starts being reasonable, otherwise you'll gift away too much.

[livednlearned]

2 plus years at this and no light at the end of the tunnel. Had our 4 way meeting recently and despite stbx wife agreeing to split custody at 50% ( GAL recommendation) she refused to sign temp agreement and sent back a number of significant changes. I am dying to get out of the house but will not cave on custody or give her right of first refusals she asks for. She has other request that are somewhat reasonable but do I cave to move out of the house and get my kids sanity at least 50% of the time with me? Whats more important long term ? Getting out and giving up my leverage and staying in this hostile environment that my kids have to witness conflict, anger etc... . ?

You're in a really hard spot, IRTD. It's also really hard to work through this stuff when you're living in a high-stress, high-conflict, high abuse environment. A lot of us get so beaten down it's hard to imagine it will ever get better, but it does.

Did your lawyer tell you that staying in the house would give you leverage? Or are you financially not able to move out until the house is sold?

If the dilemma is based on your lawyer trying to protect you financially, and if the GAL is recommending (in writing) that you leave because it's better for the kids, I would go with the GAL's recommendation. If you do end up in front of a judge, which isn't uncommon for a lot of us here, a good lawyer will make the case that you did what's best for the kids.

Is there something about the temporary order that resolves what happens to the house -- meaning, you can go ahead and sell it so that you'll be able to afford your own place? My experience is that selling a home or refinancing is just as high-conflict and moves at the same glacial pace as every other part of divorce with a BPD sufferer. Even if your wife signs the temporary agreement, there is no promise that she will comply -- in fact, sometimes these "agreements" create very clear and specific targets for them to obstruct. 

Also, how are your kids doing? What is your relationship with them like? I looked back in your post history, and it sounds like they're 7 and 9. Are they seeing counselors? Having a disordered parent really messes with kids, and so does divorce. It's the best thing I did for my son, who was 9 when I left my ex. He's doing great now, though in all honesty, I think me being in therapy was probably what turned everything around. I had a lot to learn... .