Having a revelation about my first love...

[Youcantfoolme]

I came to this site because I was reading about borderline personality disorder because my brother (and I) think his wife may be suffering from it but along the way, as I read more and more about it, I realized I, myself was at one time in an abusive relationship with someone who very likely was suffering from BPD. That was hands down the most stressful relationship I had ever been in. Fear and anxiety are very real and very scary and can take a long lasting, physical and mental toll on you. I never knew this persons behavior had a name because at the time, the internet wasn't as resourceful as it is today. Even though it was over ten years ago, I still think back to that time in my life and it makes me appreciate what I have now and what I learned. There is hope. You will recover. You will find happiness. It's hard, but you must keep in your mind, this isn't about you... . it's about them. Here's my story.

I was in my senior year of high school when I met jim*. Jim was new to our school and had only been there for about a year. He lived around the corner from me and I remember one night I spotted him sitting on the corner with a basket ball, at night, all by himself. I struck up a conversation with him while waiting for a few friends to come from down the block to hang out. Jim was cute and had that james dean bad boy/mysterious guy vibe. You know the Danny Zucco, Johnny deep (in just about every movie from the 80's), Christian Slater cute bad boy vibe. I liked it. It wasn't until a long while later that I had started seeing Jim around school and at a parties. Finally one day Jim and I were out with some friends and we started talking. One thing lead to another and we ended up fooling around. From that night on, we were pretty much inseparable.

Jim was really the first guy who ever really showed me that kind of attention. He was my first real boyfriend, my first everything. At that time, I had no idea how healthy relationships form. All I knew was that Jim liked me and wanted to spend every waking moment with me. Our relationship literally moved at the speed of light. We went from hardly knowing each other to saying I love you, within a few weeks. I thought that's how it worked. I was super flattered by how sweet he was and how much he adored me. He wasn't afraid to hold my hand in public or be by my side in front of his friends. He paraded me around proudly and I was in heaven because I'd never got this type of adoration from a guy before.

Since we were young, we hung out a lot with friends. Jim was great and seemed to mesh really well with all my friends. I was the happiest I'd ever been. He made me feel so comfortable I could tell him everything. He was deep and emotional and not afraid to express his feelings. I really adored that and even back then, knew it was odd for a male to do. He was very open, as was I. Slowly but surely though things started to change. It seemed the more I opened up, the more he started to get jealous. He needed to know where I was at all times. Something inside me was a little put off by his clingyness but convinced myself that he was only doing it, because he really cared about me. That would become a line that played over in my head many, many times in the next year or so. As our relationship started to get stronger and we spent more and more time together Jim started to find little nuances in each of my friends. Because I was a tom boy most of my life, I always had a lot of guy friends and Jim started becoming paranoid that each of them liked me. Even if I had swore to him there was never anything like that going on, he'd swear to me he knew they wanted to be with me. At times I think he'd even make up stories that he heard them talking about how hot I was or how they'd like to sleep with me. Finally he started blaming me for being "too nice" , "too friendly" or "giving them the wrong idea". Again I tried to convince myself his jealousy was endearing and it was because he loved me so much. At the same time I backed away from hanging out with my friends.

There were other red flags that kept jumping out at me. Instead of listening to my intuition, I was listening to my naive, 18 year old heart. Jim was emotional not only in an endearing and sweet way but also in a very angry and rageful way. The tiniest thing seemed to set him off. He could go from laughing and being sweet to flying off the handle and breaking things. At first, none of that was directed towards me. I remember one time he got in a small spat with his mom, over something so insignificant and it resulted in him coming flying out his front door, stampeding across his yard, and punching out a line of slats in his moms picket fence. After he did that he sat in the car and turned back into his sweet self. Something told me it was weird but ignored it.

After a few months Jim slowly but surely stared the devaluation process. He started having problems with everything I did. He didn't want me listening to certain music artists because  he thought they were going to brainwash me into cheating on him. He started criticizing my clothes. He wanted me to dress in a way that didn't show off my body whatsoever. Everything I did seemed to be wrong. I'd cry and we'd fight for hours on end. I felt like I was in an interrogation room being tourtured at times and cohersed to confessing to a murder I didn't commit. He was relentless. He always wanted me to change something about myself and once I did, he'd find something else he wasn't happy with. I felt so beaten down at points I'd cry and cry until my eyes were sore from wiping tears away. As soon as I'd say I couldn't take this anymore and suggest we break up he'd be down on his knees begging me to stay and promising he'd change and he would, for a few days and then we'd be right back to where we started.

[Youcantfoolme]

(Story continued) I kept getting a character error but it is under the max allowed

As time went on he somehow managed to successfully isolate me from everyone I was once close to. My own best friend would come home from college for the weekend and she wouldn't tell me because she started to hate seeing me, as she put it, "so brainwashed" by him. I lived in constant fear of pissing him off. I didn't even want to be around my friends because it did nothing but give me anxiety. I'd be so afraid someone would say the wrong thing, that would flip his switch and I'd be in the emotional torture room for the rest of the night dealing with his animalistic rage and terror. I didn't go anywhere or do anything without Jim. There were times I'd be home at night and he'd call me and ask me why my bedroom light was on. He was watching my house.

After a year or so of dealing with this person, the stress really started to take its toll. I was always skinny but I weighed only 88lbs. Worry, anxiety and walking on eggshells is the best diet plan out there. I ate plenty but because my heart was always pumping from fear, it would burn off instantly. Mentally I had no sense of normalcy anymore. I was so afraid to talk to anyone about his behavior because I feared they'd think I was stupid or lying. I still can't believe what I put up with at the time for "love". He was so afraid of losing me yet he was doing everything in his power to push me away.

Jim had the typical borderline, hard upbringing. He went through just about every rough thing a kid could go through and that was always the excuse for his behavior. His father abandoned him. His mom left him in hallways while she was sleeping with other men, she married a few abusive guys and he watched her getting beat, he moved to a new school each year and had to make new friends, etc etc. there was always a reason for his emotions that tied to something he dealt with in his past. At times he'd be so down, depressed and hard on himself he'd be catatonic. Disassociation was certainly his game too. He would drift off into a different land or forget horrible fight we had. There was also the suicide threats and emotional pleading whenever I'd threaten to leave.

The longer we were together the worse things got. Everything got worrse. Everything with Jim was so extremely intense from sex to our fights. Jim's jealousy was what was pushing me away more than anything else. Jim didn't want me doing anything that didn't involve him. I needed a job however and money since he could never seem to hold steady employment because of all his emotional outbursts and fights with his bosses. At one point I had started a new job working in an  office at a place that imported Italian marble. It was my first day and I was so excited about it. The bosses treated their employees to a full course Italian meal everyday for lunch. The women who I worked alongside with were very nice and welcoming and the office itself was beautiful. After a long 8 hours I couldn't wait to get home and tell Jim about my new job and how nice it seemed. I said my goodbyes and when I walked out into the parking lot there was Jim's car, parked right next to mine. I was excited to see him but as I got closer I could tell something wasn't right. He told me to get into my car right away and meet him at his house. Once I got there he informed me that he heard two of the delivery guys walk out and talk about how hot I was. He told me I must quit the job! We fought and I pleaded with him for the entire rest of the night until the wee hours of the morning until finally, I was so worn down I had just given in. I couldn't ever win.

Leaving that job was the pivotal point in our relationship. I guess it's when I snapped out of it and woke up from the FOG. I knew I had to get away but I was terrified. Our fights had started to get  physical too. One night I remember fighting in my car and things got so heated. I was trying to leave and he grabbed my arm so tightly and yanked me back into the car, I thought he had broken my wrist. He wouldn't let go and so I had no choice but to head butt him in the nose hoping it would cause him to let go. It did! I opened the car and ran for dear life hiding down the street in woods on the side of the road. He finally caught me and was begging and pleasing for me not to leave him, again promising to change. Another time he had just straight up punched me in the mouth and gave me a fat lip.

At this point I told him we needed a break. I went out with my friends who I hadn't seen in a long, long while one night. The whole night all my friends did was tell me how concerned they were and how much they didn't like him. Jim was calling my cell non stop. I ignored it until I had 28 missed calls and I decided to answer it. He was demanding I tell him where I was but I refused. I hung up on him and told him I was going to stay with my friends. Ten minutes later he showed up. While we were talking, he heard a plane going over head through my phone and was able to figure out exactly where I was. He got out of the care raging out and trying to fight all my friends. I was mortified and just wanted him to stop so I got in the car with him. The next day my best friend called my mom and told her. I again denied anything was going on and that my friend was exaggerating. Deep down inside though, I knew she was right and concerned for a reason. I was with a highly emotionally unstable and abusive man and who knew what he was capable of next.

I was all out of strikes with my friends. No wanted wanted to speak with me about him anymore except my one friend named John, who Jim didn't know I still spoke with. He saved me. Jim was always making rules and putting restrictions on me. He wanted to control everything I did but those rules never applied to him. I don't know why but I felt like I didn't have a good reason to break up with him. Probably because by that point I was so mentally worn down that I actually believed all the fighting and abuse wasn't reason enough in itself. I had to catch him doing something wrong and my friend john, who later became my boyfriend was the one who caught him. Jim was always accusing me of sneaking out of my house at night and hanging out with other men. Little did he know how fearful I was of him, that he was always watching me, there was no way I could ever do it. One night I remember him telling me he was going home to sleep and he made sure I was too. He would always call a million times and check up on me but that night he didn't. Instead HE was the one who snuck out and went to a bar with his friends and at that bar was john. John told me and That and I had felt like I won the golden ticket to willy wonka's chocolate factory. That was my out. John had always been there for me. He was the only one I could talk to and feel safe with. He promised me he'd be there if Jim ever tried to hurt me again and I finally felt safe enough to get out. It wasn't easy though.

In the months following our breakup, Jim would call me and call me crying and begging for forgiveness. Some days he loved me, some days it was all my fault. Some days he'd threaten suicide. I finally stopped feeling guilty and it was all thanks to John. He is the one who counseled me through it all. He was my comforter and after a few months the phone calls stopped and me and John were spending more and more time together until finally we started to date and we took our time getting to know one another.

Looking back now, I probably could've used some intense counseling after being with Jim. I was paranoid that he was still watching me for almost a year after our relationship. That nervous anxiety feeling was still there as well. I felt like a prisoner of war and I'm pretty sure I had some form of PTSD. Someone who drags you on there emotional roller coaster like that, does a number to your soul. I needed to be repaired and John was the one who helped me through it all. Luckily I was young and had time to make those types of mistakes.

About a year after breaking up with Jim, I remember reading an article about abusive relationships in Cosmo. The words borderline may have even been mentioned. It told you all the red flags to look out for and I realized I had missed every single one when I started dating Jim. The relationship moving to fast, the intense idealization from the jump, the devaluation, everything. I learned to look out for those in the future and if I ever felt those weird intuitions again, to trust them. If something seems too good to be true, it probably is. That is what brought me to this board. I see my brother going through this same thing, maybe even worse and it worries me. I've been there. I know what a toll it takes on you. I know the feelings it evokes. I know what it's like to be robbed of all sense of self and to feel hopeless, unloved, not valued, and depressed, thinking you're not worthy of anyone else's love except theirs. I wouldn't wish those feelings on anyone, especially my own family. Now that I know, that behavior has a name I want to know everything I can about it so I can be there for him.

[Inside]

Youcantfoolme... .

…that should be mandatory reading in a health book for high schoolers.  Thank you for sharing …wow.  What a start.  Congratulations for surviving.  I’ve two daughters, about ‘that age and stage’ in life, and to think they’d possibly keep such abuse from me.  Terrifying … though any solution on my part could end with a lengthy prison stay…

As crazy a ride as that was, from your perspective, it made sense.  Damn.  They’re out there… and, consider the fact one actually messed up someone the age of your Dad - me!  Never feel bad.  I’ve likened the behavior of BP’s to a virus – the reason their genetics go on is that they never quite kill their hosts.  It’s a behavior that’s evolved with us, playing on our desires while mirroring our dreams.  And what a classic case yours was.  I’m sorry…

Looks like you may have to be “John” for your brother.  I hope you’re close.  If his wife has BPD, as you know, you may be the only person your brother knows, short of a therapist, that will understand it.  But it appears you’ve done your homework.  I hope he’s willing listen … as I doubt she is…  :)o they have children... ?  Ouch

My daughter, attending college while living with me, often wonders why I spend so much time ‘here.’  She’s got a point!  But yours is the first post I’m temped to have (make) her read.  And like all our ‘friends,’ she simply told me to stay away from my uBPDxgf of three years…  Right – though easier said than done!  …it’s unreal to read various accounts that constantly remind me of behavior my BP displayed.  The stalking… the many times I’d find notes on my car, or her parked along side it when I got off work.  I’d once ran an errand to a hardware store for a project at work when she texted me that ‘I’d lied to her about going to work that day cuz she’d seen my vehicle there.’  Crazy crap!  

Well, I’m so happy you escaped, and sorry you had such a horrible introduction to …love.  And, that you suspect you’ve got a brother experiencing the same.  :)o keep posting – and I’d never have noticed or gotten to appreciate your piece had it not been placed on the ‘introduction page’ (thanks).  I see you’ve been posting – stay at it.  It seems sometimes the best we can do after such an experience is help others cope, avoid, or escape  …I give those BP’s one thing, they’ve good taste in victims

[lucyhoneychurch]

Just to save space, see my post to ThrowawayChild's concerns about a friend not being a friend - your lengthy thoughts here really helped me process the last 2 yrs of my life. Thank you.    Some of it I'd read before in articles... . but it helps to have it on a timeline and see how it shifts.

[Youcantfoolme]

I am seriously touched that you think my story should be mandatory reading for teens. It's funny you say that, because at the time when I had finally gotten out of the relationship and out of the fog, I really sat down and analyzed what I had gone through and I wanted to share my story. The sad part is, this person had such a hold on my psyche, that I was scared if I wrote this story and submitted it, to a magazine like Cosmo or Seventeen, he would have somehow seen it and knew it was about him. Like he would've retaliated because I exposed him! At times I was even so paranoid that I was almost afraid to think badly about him or against him, like he'd know what I was thinking! That's how powerful his grip was on me. I had never felt that way before or after that, with anyone else in my life.

I really wanted (and still want) other girls out there to know, that when people act like this, it's not out of "love". I think that was my biggest mistake. I kept telling myself he's jealous, because he loves me. He's controlling, because he loves me. And so on and so forth. This is by no means normal, healthy or acceptable. I hope to god your daughters never experience anything like this and if they do, they know what the red flags are and follow their intuition. Mental and Emotional abuse is far more painful and difficult to overcome. I had never felt so alone in my life then I did, when I was with him.

Funny thing is, I explained how I was so stressed out and upset all the time that I only weighed 88lbs (I also wore a size 00 in pants! I couldn't even fit one leg in that now and I'm a normal weight for my height). Even my friends had told me that there was this certain look on my face all the time, a look of worry. About a year or so after we broke up, I ran I to him outside of a convenience store. His new girlfriend victim was in the car with him. He got out and ran into the store. As I got in my car and pulled away, I remember seeing this dreadful look on her face. I knew that look all too well. It was the same look I walked around with while I was with him. That look of being totally and utterly brain f@$k'd!  Afyer not speaking to my brother for an entire 8 months (because of his BPD wife) he decided to show up at my house completely unannounced, right while they were in the middle of a huge fight he was having with her, over the phone, on his way home. When I opened the front door I could read right away that something was wrong. He had that same look that me and the new girlfriend had. It was intense.

As far as me being my brother's John, I think I screwed that up. His wife absolutely hates me. She won't even allow us to speak or even be friends on Facebook! He confided in me, the day he stopped over while they were arguing and told me he think she has BPD. I agreed. He wanted to have a "secret" relationship with me until he could figure out how to fix her end. He assured me it was going to be a very long and slow process with lots of "baby steps". I'm not even quite sure, exactly what her problem is with me. I honestly had never done anything negative to her until she attacked me once. Even then all I did was defend myself. She thinks my defense was an "over the top reaction" and wasn't called for. If the shoes fits, I guess? I am not obligated to love her or accept her and unfortunately, I know that means not having my brother in my life right now.