When you start to suspect a friend isn't a friend...

[ThrowAwayChild]

Because of the kind of family I grew up in I never learned to make healthy friends.  You know the score.  I did observe that when I started to heal and learn what my own values were I developed a few friendships I felt glad to have.  One, is a female friend that I have actually known twenty years but we came pretty close when I started to heal and change.  About two years ago I met the son of some friends of mine.  It is completely platonic and I like having a male friend and a female friend. 

Then my male friend had to move way down south to take care of his mother who is almost an invalid.  He has been there nearly a year and a half and is miserable.  Miserable.  Just like my female friend we talk on the phone nearly every day.  Sometimes it is about world events but a lot of time he needs a friend's shoulder to cry on about his situation down south with his mother.  I listen and listen and listen sometimes for hours.  I am trying to be a good friend but today when I needed a friend he wasn't there.  In fact, he made me cry.  I found out yesterday that there is a good chance I am going to lose a third of my gross income.  It came as a surprise.  I naturally wanted to talk to my friends.  I told him I was angry but I didn't go on and on about it the way he does his mother.  I didn't swear.  I wasn't yelling.  I just had about four scenarios I needed to bounce of someone.  None of the choices were good and I didn't really have the piece of information I needed to know how best to minimize the financial damage.  He was great.  He listened.  Asked good questions and gave good advice.    Well, today I found out that what I had good reason to believe was going to happen didn't happen.  I called him and left a voice mail about the good news.  He called me back and it went like this... .  

Ring a ding (him calling me)

Me:  Hiya

Him:  So everything that was said yesterday was a big waste of energy.

Not hello or hey I got your message and that is good news.  You sure do worry a lot sometimes.

Him:  You were really wigging out yesterday.  Now, don't take this the wrong way but you need to chill.  You need to chill.  Getting upset will just shorten your life.  Don't take this the wrong way but I told my mother you remind me of a pure bred Border Collie that always has to have something to do or they go nuts.  So, don't take this the wrong way, I'm just saying it to help you.

He never asked what happened to change the circumstances from bad to good.  He just lectured me all the while telling me he wasn't lecturing but just being a good friend so don't take this the wrong way.  What are people really saying when they say ":)on't take this the wrong way but".

Anyway, I listened.  I listened very hard.  I asked no questions and just listened.  This male friend of mine is incredibly big on fixing any type of problem you might have and he is often wrong in his suggestions.  If I don't take his advice, on something (he asks later) you can pick up a pissy attitude on the phone.  It is very slight but noticeable.  I've gotten to where I don't often tell him when I have a problem of any kind because I don't like that.  Yesterday I was upset and scared about my future and really needed an ear.  So, now I find myself looking at this new friendship and yes I think two years is often too early to tell how you might want to fit someone in your life if at all.  I am trying not to be too sensitive but as I should I am looking at this new relationship and wondering if he is the kind of friend I really want.  He interrupts and takes over every conversation.  It is very similar to how my mother does.  Then, the one time in all the time I have known him and I have a problem he confuses me.  First, he is great with listening, asking questions, etc., but I can't help but feel that by how quickly today he acted like my angst over my situation was unacceptable.  Friends are hard to come by and no one friend is going to be what we like all the time.  I don't want to throw the baby out with the bath water but I think I am going to find it a little hard to feel appreciated anymore with him.  I'd like some thoughts on this because it has become really important to me, in the aftermath of the family insanity, to make healthy friends.

[lucyhoneychurch]

Hi... . I'm so sorry.   

If you go up to You can't Fool Me's post about her first serious boyfriend at age 18, and take your post and put them together - you have my cycle of men in my life from first bf's through marriage divorce and then the 2 men I got really really serious with since being alone.

I wasn't 18 though, walked into these "friendships" like you did this one, thinking they were mutually beneficial.

I've come out the other end of both having been diminished, discouraged, trashed verbally, raged at, when initially I was the best person either had ever met.

Her post talks a good deal about the pedestal part of a relationship, where it is all so amazing and good and you think (even in a friendship) you've found the real deal... . and then the picking apart starts and the control and anger and accusations and putdowns.

I'm 51 now , way way past the age where you want to totally realize you've been duped again.  Yet the signs were there *the way they talked about other people* and the way they responded under stress or took their crises and made it the constant yet if anything happens to you, "what are you so upset about? I don't think it's a big deal!" etc.

I'm so glad your initial concerns about the income have been relieved. I'm so sorry he responded like he did. I have just finally been dealt the mortal blow by the last man with a crisis of my own - elderly dog, I am having mini strokes again, last time this happened ended up with major stroke - there is no one to be here for this dog and she is ALL about me. There are no neighbors who either live close enough or aren't the types to lose their own dogs running loose in road - in spite of me telling this man (and this was long after the relationship had crashed and burned, we were supposedly just working on being friends again) that I was having these TIAs and had to find her a home... . he went bonkers on me, every kind of horrific thing you could accuse a friend of about not making the right choices etc... . yet his own life is a shambles of broken ties and heartaches.

You find out AFTER you've confided, yes, that you've put your heart in the wrong place again.

Then you feel so tiny and stupid, not for confiding but for thinking this person was trustworthy.

I'm so sorry. You feel dumped and discarded. That's the final part of an abusive relationship, where you get dumped in a way you cannot mistake.

I don't know why your friend did this to you at this time in your life. Whatever his excuse, youdidn't deserve it.   

[ThrowAwayChild]

Oh, Lucy.  How horrible that he did that to you but how wonderful that he did it the way he did.  What I mean by that is I have the tendency to analyze and not make a move as quickly as other people who came from non-abusive homes do.  How similar what your man did to what my friend did to me.  You are right, I felt as you stated.  Do you think some of these people just get so angry when the attention is taken off of them that they explode and show their true colors?

You pay attention to those TIAs.  My oldest sister just had a stoke and is still in a rehab.  She is doing great though.  I am about the same age as you and have high blood pressure so strokes have been on my mind.  Are you on meds? 

After a good night of sleep I realize a few things.

*There are too many similarities between how he treats me and how my parents did.

*I don't really have the friend I thought I had.

*Telling me that I remind him of a pure bred Border Collie that is really hyper and that is why he prefers mixed breeds is a big, fat, undeniable insult.

*The non-lecture lecture he gave me was a warning. Yesterday, he said.  "I am not lecturing you but I want to tell you a story.  When I was married I was the bread winner and I would come home from work. Sometimes there would be dinner and sometimes not but always my ex was on the phone from 5 p.m. to 10 p.m.  I finally got tired of it and would stay away on long business trips instead of being around that."  He was saying that if I do something he doesn't like, like express strong emotions/have a problem that takes away from him he might not want to be around me either.

*Only a coward prefaces statements with "Please don't take this the wrong way." 

*I've been used by him just because he needed a sounding board.

My phone rang at 7:30 this morning. It was him.  He NEVER calls this early.  Know why he is calling?  I know.  I see it as plain as the nose on my dog's face.  He knows what he did and that there is a good chance he is going to lose his narcissistic supply.  That is why. 

I am looking at the similarities between him and my folks and asking questions of myself.  Actually, looking back I can see how he hooked me.  He knew to stroke me and to tell me I was smart and a good friend which were things I wanted to hear.  You know what though?  Even when he was stroking me I occasionally wondered if that was what it was.  Well, glad I didn't invest anymore in the friendship and I learned quite a few things and I am going to think about it all a little bit more because of those similarities with my parents. 

[lucyhoneychurch]

Yes, anything prefaced with, "You aren't going to want to hear this but... . " is the same way - one good answer is, "Then spare yourself and don't tell me." I wasn't going to play  a part in the pile on of ugly comments and callous abuse. Same thing that it was echos of family dynamics.

One horrifically stupid part of this whole dog thing was... . and maybe you'll see how they will sabotage all your options and then give you hell for not making better "choices" - he's tried to bring his old ancient Lab mix over here, it doesn't fly with the two old girls... . he doesn't ASK to bring her, he just shows up, if mine is out on leash his will run as fast as she can at us... . in other words... . he ruined any chances of us having them know each other on neutral ground where he might care for mine if I had emergency.

TIAs - two 'blood thinners' anticoagulants which is why this is so bizarre after almost 2 yrs to be getting them again. They never leave lasting symptoms, hence the "transischemic" label... . but the whole 4 or 5 minutes you wonder if it's going full blown.

Thank you for your response. One of our other pages someone was so vocal about every effort at "reprogramming!" how true - if only we could plug into a system and keep the memories but lose the pain - I'd go for that. Remembering is one thing, but either repeating the same codependent stuff with other people or the trigger effect pain aspect - horrible. 

Cheers.

One of my good sweet girlfriends coming over for Domino's pizza and some Barefoot Sweet Red.  We've known each other for 30 years. She's a gem. 

[lucyhoneychurch]

PS... . one way my late mother and this man both insult (like the Border Collie crappy comment) was to tell me what they are certain other people think of me - "You're a pushover for folks... . you're too easy on people... . you are naïve... . you are this you are that... . "

And given enough space and time... . I will see how every accusation they made about 3rd parties, especially the "so and so wants you on his/her terms," rang true for THEM most of all.

Sometimes it's like a big bright light on a train locomotive coming at us, they are being so clear and noisy about their manipulative stuff... . and I am sitting there staring and worrying about a squirrel in the roadway on the other side of the tracks. Disaster bearing down on me but I'm fixated in the wrong direction.

Do you feel like that in this case? Bells going off as you describe but you keep circling back to the aspect of being friends and supporting each other. I guess it can really turn into a scam. And like a scam artist maybe he gave you a follow up call to see if you are buying. Stinker.   

[ThrowAwayChild]

Know what other phrases people say that should be quite telling?  How about "No offense" after they say something offensive?  That is crazy making.  Or, ":)on't take this personally but... . "  How do you not take what is coming next personally.  You are standing right there.  I remember my mother once said to me with a sly smile ":)on't take this personally, but you need to work on your personality."  :)o they think you are that much of a dolt not to notice that you are being insulted?  Know what?  When things are said like that I am generally too shocked at the rudeness and insanity of it so I sort of freeze.  Maybe next time I'll say "No offense, but you are a jack___"  I guess that would be childish though.  I usually just distance myself from them.

Oh, yes.  "I'm just sayin'." is often a way of insulting and then trying to come off like what they said was for your own good.  

Mean cowards.

[lucyhoneychurch]

That "just sayin' " thing is such a trendy teenager thing - when my daughter was still living here, we turned it into a joke... . "pizza's really good this time... . just sayin' " because yes it's used like a get out of jail free pass for running someone down.

It's all passive aggressive. I feel like passive aggressive stuff is sleight of hand - while I have you distracted with "don't take this personally," I'm going to slice you across your psyche and your soul with some sort of awful comment.

And we are really meant to not bite back with, "Wow, what was a really nice thing to say."

I guess the best way to cope and heal, in all these instances is, ":)o I do that to people? Can they know that I say what I mean and I mean what I say? Does my word have integrity?"

I have to give myself  for people being able to count on me in whatever way they might need me to once I tell them I can or will help.

The types of comments that could be prefaced with ":)on't take this personally" MIGHT cross my mind but will not leave my mouth. It's called discretion. Fairness. Mercy, too, maybe.

All I know is they so often leave us worse off than they found us. But boy, do you learn who your real friends are! quality over quantity any day, right?

[ThrowAwayChild]

Do you feel like that in this case? Bells going off as you describe but you keep circling back to the aspect of being friends and supporting each other. I guess it can really turn into a scam. And like a scam artist maybe he gave you a follow up call to see if you are buying. Stinker.   

Yes, I feel like that.  It is a scam.  A definite scam.  The call this morning is exactly as you said... . to see if I was buying because he doesn't want to lose his supply.  Well, he lost it and I am stronger and better for it this morning.  Know what else, now that I won't be spending any time with him I can reallocate that time to finding true friends.

[ThrowAwayChild]

I feel like passive aggressive stuff is sleight of hand - while I have you distracted with "don't take this personally," I'm going to slice you across your psyche and your soul with some sort of awful comment.

Wow.  Do you write?  Slice you across your psyche and soul is spot on and kind of colorful.  There may come a time when he tracks me down to talk and will use that might just use that.  I have to turn on my printer now.

[lucyhoneychurch]

No, , I don't write - just love anything about magicians - used to be soo in love with Bill Bixby show where he portrayed one... . had memorized life and times of Harry Houdini - and from what I understand, me who cannot do a single card trick or make a quarter appear from someone's ear ... . it's about making someone look >>here<< when the sleight of hand is over *here.* That's all magic is - convincing people they are seeing one thing when it's really another. I was just out on my porch grasping how much time has been freed up, as you say, with big eureka moment that our time might be better invested with friends who are not just fair weather varieties. Or even worse using us for their own needs and entertainment.