Urgent: advice sought

[Benign_Opinion]

Hi there. I've been with my partner for 8 months. It is my first serious relationship, and her longest (by four months). Before we made things official, she made me perfectly aware of the risks of entering a relationship with her. She informed me of the pattern she experienced in all her prior relationships: infatuation quickly turning to suffocation. However, and I apologise for my own forthrightness, but it is wholly relevant to my situation/problem: she is a submissive, and all her past partners had been Dominant. This was an area of which I was completely ignorant, but, to those of you who don't know, essentially boils down to the Dominant/submissive nature of sex between partners in the bedroom, and permeates to other aspects of the day-to-day relationship, with the Dominant partner *in control* of their submissive, to an extent, and, in theory, with only their best interests at heart. Her relationship with me was her first in which she was treated an equal - by her own admission something that benefits her mental wellbeing. Our sex life is OK, but not excessive. She tells me that she has lost a lot of her sex drive. She initially put this down to her medication and the fact that her last relationship ended terribly, which ended in her almost being sectioned. However, of late, she is starting to believe a lot of this may be attributed to our *vanilla* relationship dynamic.

I tell you this because, whilst the first month or so of our relationship was rocky (I'd frequently give her space, support her, and do whatever I could (which sometimes just meant doing nothing) to get our relationship back on track), I was fully prepared for this, and coped well with the ups and downs. However, since then, up until 2 weeks ago, our relationship has gone from strength to strength. We love each other, that much is not in doubt. If anything, things moved too quickly. We talked about our futures: kids, marriage, careers, a house. I fact, 3 weeks ago, she told me she wanted to move in with me. I was beyond happy. I adore her. She makes me happier than I've ever been. And she told me frequently how she's never been so happy before, and that her mental health has improved because of her relationship with me. However, 2 weeks ago, she told me that she cut herself for the first time in 2 years. Why? Because she missed the feeling of being in a Dominant/Submissive relationship, and that by staying with me, she was denying herself something she believed was integral to her own personality, but that by leaving me, she'd be losing me - her "favourite person" who is "perfect" for her in ever way - expect the whole submissive/Dominant dynamic. We'd discussed this briefly two days prior, although I didn't think it was a major problem. Naively, I considered this a compromise that she had made to be with me, nothing more. However, things escalated. She's been depressed since (albeit it with peaks and troughs), and a few days after this discussion, we talked at length about breaking up. Scared, I pushed her into an answer. After much deliberation, we ended it. Or, at least we did initially, before both realising that neither of us gave things a chance, and that we meant too much to one another to end things like that.

We decided to give ourselves a trial period in order to make sure that we have no regrets, and give ourselves every chance of working through things. She reassures me that she loves me, and that she wants, more than anything, to be with me and for things to work out. I feel exactly the same. I adore her. She's my world. However, she has said that she is unsure whether her love for me is as a best friend or a partner.

So my questions are as follows: what can I do to give us the best possible chance of working out? I am unsure whether her depression is caused by me not being *right* for her, or whether her depression is causing her to cast doubt over our relationship. I want more than anything for things to work out between us. I'd literally do anything to make that happen. However, failing that, she is my best friend. I can't bare the thought of her going off the rails if anything does happen. I want to maintain our brilliant friendship regardless of what happens. Is this possible? How would I go about best doing this?

Thanks in advance. Any and all advice will be warmly received and massively appreciated.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Benign_Opinion]

I should note, too, that the prospect of breaking up, by her own admission, made her feel considerably worse, and was not the relief she had hoped it would be.

[formflier]

I should note, too, that the prospect of breaking up, by her own admission, made her feel considerably worse, and was not the relief she had hoped it would be.

Wow... . OK... . does she have a Therapist (T)?  In your writing you have correctly identified that this is an internal struggle for her. 

I hope you realize that you can't change her... . that it's not your fault if she cuts... . and that it's not your fault if she XXX(fill in the blank).

It is incredibly frustrating to know that you "did the right and reasonable thing"... . and have a partner do something odd. 

It helps to understand that they truly do experience the world differently, they truly do "think" differently.  To us (nons) it seems like chaos... . but there usually is some order there that is somewhat predictable.

Do you have your own T?  I ask that because at a time when you are both making long term decisions about relationships... . I would hope that you have someone to help guide you through that process.

Hang in there... . and 

[Benign_Opinion]

Thank- you!

No, unfortunately, she does not currently have a therapist. She has done in the past, but her case is not deemed serious enough at the moment for her to require one on the NHS. Private is out of the window - far too expensive and beyond our means, unfortunately. As such, nor do I see one. I am however blessed with good friends and am by no means alone, even if they can't give advice about my current situation.

I know I can't change her. I wouldn't want to. She's my soul-mate, as cheesy as that sounds, in every other way. I also accept that this is not my fault. But I can't help feeling sometimes that my actions exacerbate the matter. It's all still very new to me. I'm learning as I go on. I'm trying to encourage her to tell me how she's feeling: if she's feeling suffocated - tell me, then I can do something about it. However, I'm also trying to tell her, constructively and in a completely non-provoking manner, where she's at fault. If she says something that upsets me, I'll tell her, without provoking an argument. I've never known her like this. Today she keeps saying that she "doesn't care about anything." When I say that she just needs to give things time so that she thinks clearly, I'm met with, "I'm sick of people saying that. It doesn't help. You don't understand what's going on in my head." Which is true, of course, but hurts when I'm giving absolutely everything I can to empathise with something I'll never be able to truly understand.

I think, hopefully, by encouraging her to communicate better, we can get through this. At least as friends. She's worried about being to forthright with me about how she's feeling, but I've told her that I'd sooner hear her be truthful, allowing me to give her more space/whatever, then get ratty with me because I'm annoying/suffocating her.

It feels cathartic just writing this stuff down and knowing I'm not alone. Thank-you.

[formflier]

Thank- you!

No, unfortunately, she does not currently have a therapist. She has done in the past, but her case is not deemed serious enough at the moment for her to require one on the NHS. Private is out of the window - far too expensive and beyond our means, unfortunately. As such, nor do I see one. I am however blessed with good friends and am by no means alone, even if they can't give advice about my current situation.

I know I can't change her. I wouldn't want to. She's my soul-mate, as cheesy as that sounds, in every other way. I also accept that this is not my fault. But I can't help feeling sometimes that my actions exacerbate the matter. It's all still very new to me. I'm learning as I go on. I'm trying to encourage her to tell me how she's feeling: if she's feeling suffocated - tell me, then I can do something about it. However, I'm also trying to tell her, constructively and in a completely non-provoking manner, where she's at fault. If she says something that upsets me, I'll tell her, without provoking an argument. I've never known her like this. Today she keeps saying that she "doesn't care about anything." When I say that she just needs to give things time so that she thinks clearly, I'm met with, "I'm sick of people saying that. It doesn't help. You don't understand what's going on in my head." Which is true, of course, but hurts when I'm giving absolutely everything I can to empathise with something I'll never be able to truly understand.

I think, hopefully, by encouraging her to communicate better, we can get through this. At least as friends. She's worried about being to forthright with me about how she's feeling, but I've told her that I'd sooner hear her be truthful, allowing me to give her more space/whatever, then get ratty with me because I'm annoying/suffocating her.

It feels cathartic just writing this stuff down and knowing I'm not alone. Thank-you.

I'm at a bit of a disadvantage... . in that I don't know much about how the health system works over ther.

Is there a way she can get into DBT group therapy?  Can she get to a private therapist for once every two weeks... . or once a month.  Some sort of "touchpoint" with trained people to help guide her.

Here is the thing... you don't want to and shouldn't be her sole support with this.

This board can help a bunch... but it is not a replacement for trained T.

What about a T for you?

Can you go in and get a new evaluation to see if she qualifies?

[Benign_Opinion]

I must admit, I do not really know how the health system works in regards to her condition and therapy.

I do know this: she was commissioned to two sets of group therapy in Sept/Oct last year. One started immediately, and lasted for 8 sessions (or thereabouts). However, she is still waiting for the next group therapy to start. After chasing the people who run such things up several times, she was told that hopefully it will start soon, but won't do so until there are enough people to join the group.

I'm not sure whether, now her conditioned has worsened, she'd be more entitled to having one-on-one therapy on the NHS. I suspect probably not. Now you've mentioned it, I'm going to broach the topic when given an opportunity. It's difficult - I don't want to bring it up out of the blue for fear of causing an argument: "I won't be entitled! There's no point!" And, whilst I tend to suspect that such statements would probably be accurate, it does, to me, seem worthwhile investigating.

I think it'd definitely be worthwhile investigating to see whether her case can be reevaluated to see if she's entitled to anything more. It's not like there's anything to lose in doing so.

We've had a good discussion today in which we agreed to communicate better. She's promised to tell me when I'm being too full on (in a polite manner!) and I'm going to try and not take things too personally.

In regards to the self-harm incident: she's not done it since, and I suspect it'll be a one-off. It's the first time in two-years, and I told her outright that, rather than doing that, she needs to talk to me when she feels that that would be her only release.

As for therapy for me… I don't even know where to start looking. I could go to my GP.