length of a marriage

[peiper]

I dont get it. Her last  marriage lasted 27 years. Ours only 6 months. Im getting back in the its all my fault mode again.

[myself]

Looking at it honestly: Was it all your fault?

There is so much to a marriage. Each is different. Compatibility, temperament, finances, location... . Maybe her last spouse was more of a doormat? Maybe she kept more of a lid on herself then? Maybe you were closer with her/triggered her more?

The length of time involved doesn't in and of itself show it was better for her in the past. What matters is how she was with you, how you chose to deal with it, and where you're going from here. Accept what's yours. The rest of it isn't.

[toomanytears]

Looking at it honestly: Was it all your fault?

There is so much to a marriage. Each is different. Compatibility, temperament, finances, location... . Maybe her last spouse was more of a doormat? Maybe she kept more of a lid on herself then? Maybe you were closer with her/triggered her more?

The length of time involved doesn't in and of itself show it was better for her in the past. What matters is how she was with you, how you chose to deal with it, and where you're going from here. Accept what's yours. The rest of it isn't.

I was in a marriage with a BPDh for 31 years. You did very well to get out after 6 months.

I think one of the reasons we lasted for so long was that we were young, unformed, gauche, and puppy like when we married (23/24 after knowing each other for 3 months - text book BPD) . The BPD traits were there but I didn't see them. As time went on, I grew up while my BPDh did not. But our kids came along, he was an OK dad, we rubbed along, up and down, dancing in and out of the circle. As the our kids got older he began to disconnect with them and eventually with me. Who knows what will happen with my replacement -  he could start a whole new family... not my problem

[peiper]

Actually the only thing that I did wrong was get sick and tired of her leaving and threatening to leave and put up with it. It was honestly killing me inside. She would leave and a few weeks to a month want me back. It drove me nuts and still does. That rips my heart out everytime she pulls that. She quit leaving then started  taunting me with moving her stuff to storage, a little bit at a time. Making a big show of doing it. Never her clothes or anything. I think it was more along the line of manipulation on her part.

[toomanytears]

Actually the only thing that I did wrong was get sick and tired of her leaving and threatening to leave and put up with it. It was honestly killing me inside. She would leave and a few weeks to a month want me back. It drove me nuts and still does. That rips my heart out everytime she pulls that. She quit leaving then started  taunting me with moving her stuff to storage, a little bit at a time. Making a big show of doing it. Never her clothes or anything. I think it was more along the line of manipulation on her part.

Peiper - my BPDh was always threatening to leave, with very long deadlines. Eg, just after we moved into our lovely new home he said, I'm going to leave you in ten years' time. It was agonising and confusing. Fourteen years later he did leave. Wish he'd kept to his deadline!

[peiper]

Six months. I just keep running through my head love honor and cherish.

[peiper]

This thing is really driving me crazy.

[peiper]

I still cant wrap my head around how someone can be so hateful.

[Tausk]

Piep: 

Take it easy and breathe if you can.   I can only imagine the pain that you are in.  It really hurts.  It's so hard to comprehend how someone that we love so much, can act in a manner that is so hurtful and destructive. 

It hit me at my core shame and vulnerability.  And it was toxic for the longest time. 

Learning about the Disorder, helped me to detach and depersonalize the behavior. 

It didn't help the pain and feelings, but it did help the suffering in the long run.

Stay with us.  We're here and we understand.

Honestly, we do.

T

[toomanytears]

I still cant wrap my head around how someone can be so hateful.

The hatred she directs to you is not about you, it's about her. I know it's counterintuitive but the only way to understand this is not to take it personally. What you are being subjected to is a projection of her self loathing onto someone else so she can avoid responsibility for her actions.

But that doesn't stop you feeling all that bile like a punch in the guts.

And we absolutely understand because we too have been caught in this horrible, inexplicable nightmare and it doesn't matter that it was a six month marriage or a 30 year marriage, it's still horrible, confusing and cruel.

Being in love with a BPD is an addiction and you have to go through a detox to get over it. Everyday of pain is one step away from the nightmare, although it doesn't feel like it at the time.  

For me I was lucky enough to have the support of friends, one of whom had had a BPDh so she 'got it', and a therapist. But these boards have been the best part of my road to recovery (and I'm still a long way off). When I feel the pain coming on I get on here and start reading about other people's experiences. It's a wonderful reality check and straightens my thinking.

Hang on in there and keep posting.  

[letmeout]

6 months? I was stuck in it for 35 yrs working as my BPDex's emotional caretaker, cleaning up his path of destruction. Its not a job anyone should have! I retired :-)

[AwakenedOne]

Yeah, after 4 years I was fired, or let go, or laid off or dismissed or whatever you want to call it by her.

[Ihope2]

My marriage was over before it even started.  11 months until he moved out. Divorced this past Friday.

My exBPDh was married before, that marriage lasted 7 years.  I cannot afford to compare the two marriages.  All I can think is that his previous wife was just as damaged with issues of her own as he was, judging by what he did reveal to me about that marriage.

It is not a blight on your character that your marriage did not last as long.  Perhaps, if anything, it is a sign that you are not able to dance the dysfunctional dance as long as somebody else? 

[Hopeless777]

I think another factor that keeps us in the caretaker role for a pwBPD is obligations: (1) marriage vows, (2) children, (3) financial resources, etc. Also, the realization that we (the non) is somehow responsible for taking care of the pwBPD. For me, this went on for 28+ years until the last child was out of the house and my marriage vows had been crushed by my uBPDw so many times that I feel released. While we've only been separated 4+ weeks there are still tons of financial obligations that need to be separated. At this point I don't much care; I won't roll over by any means, but its only the last hurdle to my moving on. Still sad and hurts.

[Mutt]

I still cant wrap my head around how someone can be so hateful.

The hatred she directs to you is not about you, it's about her. I know it's counterintuitive but the only way to understand this is not to take it personally. What you are being subjected to is a projection of her self loathing onto someone else so she can avoid responsibility for her actions.

But that doesn't stop you feeling all that bile like a punch in the guts.

And we absolutely understand because we too have been caught in this horrible, inexplicable nightmare and it doesn't matter that it was a six month marriage or a 30 year marriage, it's still horrible, confusing and cruel.

It's confusing, she caused you pain and you may have feelings of inadequacy Ihope2. It hurts like hell   I didn't get married to get divorced. I took my vows seriously, through sickness and in health but I'm not above this disorder nor any amount of my love will cure it.

toomanytears describes it best I think. It has nothing to do with us. She is replaying core abandonment wounds from her past. It is transference, reliving pain from a different place and time from someone else and bringing it forward in the present and it out on you. It has absolutely nothing to do with you or your character . She is sick and disordered and can't recognize that she is replaying this hurt and pain on loved ones because it is a mental illness. It is a serious disorder. It takes time to wrap your head around it and it takes time. You need to detach yourself from a pwBPD and the pain will subside, the pain will be processed and everything will be put into context. Take care of yourself