He's become a Quaker - is it a cover for his philandering?

[toomanytears]

I split up with my BPDh in August last year (after 31 years, sigh).

Since then it been like peeling back an onion. First, as part of financial disclosure, his bank statements clearly showed trips to expensive hotels, flowers, lavish meals, etc (which I knew nothing about). The second startling revelation was that for some time leading up to our split turned out he had been going to Quaker meetings. He's now moved to a village with a strong Quaker community. When I asked him about this he said he'd always been interested in the Quaker religion but that he didn't want to tell me as I would have stopped him from going like I stopped him from doing all the other things he wanted to do! This is a blatant fabrication - we live in a city with many Quaker connections and our children could have gone to a Quaker school and he showed no interest whatsoever in the 20 years we've lived here.

I guess the OW is a Quaker. Or maybe he's just using it as a cover for his philandering. Who knows... . ? Just another part of the BPD mystery I guess... .

Anyone else with similar experiences?

[Mutt]

31 years is a very long history toomanytears. It must be difficult and painful. I'm sorry. I don't have a similar experience when it comes to religion. We all have a similar experience with our exes mirroring us and our interests, be it hobbies, sports etc. Your bdh is throwing up FOG by blaming you in wanting to join a religion. I'm sorry to say but he's mirroring the paramour.

If you look back at your honeymoon with your BPDh, can you see him mimicking your likes? He has a false sense of self. Emotional arrested development. His sense of self is drawn or mirrored from his attachments.

[toomanytears]

I'm sorry to say but he's mirroring the paramour.

If you look back at your honeymoon with your BPDh, can you see him mimicking your likes? He has a false sense of self. Emotional arrested development. His sense of self is drawn or mirrored from his attachments.

Yup Mutt.  Im sure you are right.  . I'm OK. just need to get out.

[Mutt]

I'm sorry to say but he's mirroring the paramour.

If you look back at your honeymoon with your BPDh, can you see him mimicking your likes? He has a false sense of self. Emotional arrested development. His sense of self is drawn or mirrored from his attachments.

Yup Mutt.  Im sure you are right.  . I'm OK. just need to get out.

You would think after 30 years you would know everything about a man and something like this gets out. Personality criteria's  or not, it still hurts the heart   

[toomanytears]

[/quote]
You would think after 30 years you would know everything about a man and something like this gets out. Personality criteria's  or not, it still hurts the heart   [/quote]
Thanks Mutt

Yes, I always thought his brother, who speaks in a very pseudo-evangalistic way, would suddenly turn religious as a cover for his bad behaviour (towards my sister in law). Little did I think it would be my own husband. He's never been remotely religious but has always been attracted to the spiritual. I think the Quakers are a good people, gentle and non-judgemental. No doubt that's the draw. I only wish his behaviour towards me was as honourable... .

[Mutt]

You would think after 30 years you would know everything about a man and something like this gets out. Personality criteria's  or not, it still hurts the heart   [/quote]
Thanks Mutt

Yes, I always thought his brother, who speaks in a very pseudo-evangalistic way, would suddenly turn religious as a cover for his bad behaviour (towards my sister in law). Little did I think it would be my own husband. He's never been remotely religious but has always been attracted to the spiritual. I think the Quakers are a good people, gentle and non-judgemental. No doubt that's the draw. I only wish his behaviour towards me was as honourable... . [/quote]
You're welcome.

Do as I say. Not as I do.

It hurts, it sends a mixed message and gets turned around or projected that we're controlling. The Quakers are not intimate with him, it's a disorder triggered by intimacy. That is why you get the less honourable behaviors and acting out towards their partners, nonetheless you deserve respect.