how to repaint yourself white?

[Blimblam]

I recently Broke NC with my exuBPDgf and I I made a text to her today, "I wonder how big the "fan club" is now?"

This painted me black again . 

How do I repaint myself white? Just give it time? and text something pleasant?

I am curious.

any advice?

she has gone through a few replacements since me.  I believe shes on number 4 right now.

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[enlighten me]

My question to you is why does it matter what they think of you?

We all feel that deep affinity to our BPDex but that is just an illusion. We cannot change them and unless there is a reason you have to stay in contact then why put yourself through it.

My ex wife was histrionic and when she dumped me I thought my world had ended. She than asked me to take her back 2 months later which I did only to be dumped once more and have a divorce notice served. This nearly finished me. How could someone that I loved so much do that to me? The answer she didn't love me the way I loved her. We get sucked in by mirroring and believe that they are equally invested but they are not.

[Blimblam]

Look, I know she doesn't feel the way I did. 

I've been learning about the disorder I am starting to understand.

The answer? I think I am the lonely child schema.

I know it wont be "love" and a "relationship."  It will be what it is.  I care about her.  I wont get sucked in.

I am not totally sure.  I do want to though.  It is like this puzzle how to interact with her.  Like a test of if I changed.  I need to grow and change first.  I just want to know. 

Mine was not histrionic.  She was a waif.  IN my last interactions I didn't feel the confusion I once did with her.  I guess its more for me. 

[enlighten me]

Sorry Blimblam if I came across a bit harsh.

I do understand. Im feeling the loneliness too and a big part of my life is no longer there but aswell as the absence of her and the children it is the absence of my dreams for our future that have gone aswell.

I suppose this is one of the hardest parts to let go of as when we were together I thought of future plans such as holidays, the house in the country, our grandchildren running around the fruit orchard etc etc. I don't know if she actually wanted that (she said she did) but I still want those things. After having an image in your head that she is in it is hard to image the same image with her absent. Until I move on and meet someone else to fill that spot there will always be something missing.

[enlighten me]

I forgot to add. My ex wife was histrionic my ex gf is uBPD. I sure know how to pick them.

[goldylamont]

to me it's about power. pwBPD lack it themselves so they pull a sucker punch and get power from others. my ex yanked some of my power too. but it was only temporary. i think you're searching for ways to get your power back, and somehow getting some form of recognition from her will make you feel better about what happened. or another way of looking at it could be that you are seeking proper closure. thing is, it's not to be found with her. just not there. by continuing to text and talk with her you are signalling to her that her behaviors are just fine. even if you criticize her it emboldens her to believe that you are the one with the problem... . and in some ways this may be right, although not how she sees it. perhaps you keep communicating with her to see if you are completely detached and "over it"--but then by default by communicating with her this indicates this isn't true yet, no?

[Blimblam]

I want to go through like a quick recycle... . but detached and seeing things as they are... .

also I want to know how to repaint myself white !

[enlighten me]

Im not sure we can repaint ourselves white. I think they have to have someone that they paint black before you look white to them. My ex gf once said she wished she had stayed with her ex. This is a man who she said threatened her, had tried breaking into the house and was constantly having a go at her. As I was now being painted black then he didn't seem as bad to her so must be white.

Don't know how accurate that is but its how I feel about it.

[123Phoebe]

I want to go through like a quick recycle... . but detached and seeing things as they are... .

also I want to know how to repaint myself white !

Hi Blimblam

Hmm, that's a tall order to fill

Until you become truly detached and that means not wanting much to do with her because you understand that your values are so entirely different than hers, I'm not sure how you can repaint yourself white.

Has she shown an interest in getting back together? 

[goldylamont]

I want to go through like a quick recycle... . but detached and seeing things as they are... .

also I want to know how to repaint myself white !

i agree with Enlighten Me on this one--being painted white has only as much to do with you as you being painted black, not much.

if you want to recycle i'd say--let her fall in love with someone else, then paint them black. don't push to keep in contact with her during this time and let her initiate most of the contact with you. then, when she contacts you acting like she wants to reconcile, stuff away all your self respect. emasculate yourself and treat her like she's a beautiful princess that never did anything wrong.

you can have a brief moment of being in her graces this way as long as you show that you are weak and will be there for her no matter how she behaves. it won't last long though, because ultimately she'll get bored of you fast as she's lost all respect for you for being so passive/wimpy. it will be cool for her to have this ego boost so you'll be white for a bit so you can help her get back on her feet, to build her confidence up so she can get herself together enough to seduce another man that shows more strength than you had shown trying to get painted white, more exciting and doesn't know about all of her issues.

if you're lucky she'll keep you around even after she finds someone more exciting so she can tell you how terrible he is when he stands up for himself, etc. she'll have sex with him but have you there to dump all of her baggage onto and to soothe her and tell her how great she is.

i think that's a solid plan to stay in her graces. just give it a little time

[waverider]

You cant control a pwBPD, let alone what colour they paint you. Stay white in your own mind and let her choose what colour she wants to paint you, that is her choice. Dont try to sell her your version of reality it will drive you both mad. She has her own version of reality. They will coexist and sometimes they will overlap, and sometimes repel, dont force it.

[mywifecrazy]

Your goal should not be to be painted either White or Black!

Your goal should be the color Grey... . That means that you are fully healed and healthy from your relationship with her and have moved on to better things in your life.

Grey=Your not on her radar screen and that you're out of her reach to be manipulated  and USED for her SELF SOOTHING purposes.

Good luck on your journey BlimBlam! I do know how you feel though.  These thoughts have crossed my mind too!

[Blimblam]

I think it is possible to "just have a good time" with a pwBPD if your not looking to get attached and avoidant of attachement.  That's what I want I guess being patient is the way to go.  Having no attachment to her perceptions of me as a reflection upon myself. 

Its almost as if I want to go through the motions jedi style as some sort of life affirming confirmation of having reclaimed myself... . at a future point in time.