Fixing myself, Where do I start

[peaceat54]

Hi Everyone,

I have been in cognitive Therapy for a year straight now,

Last month after enduring yet another out of left field rage episode from my mom and understanding that I have shut down like I just repressed and suppressed myself for the last 5 years, Isolated myself with the exception of my immediate family just for the most part watched T.V because I was at the point where I would not respond to negative statements, I thought if I gave myself time I could figure out why I felt hurt when someone criticized what I was doing, I won't give myself permission to react to things because I knew what was said/done was not anything about me logically and yet it hurt emotionally.

So last month when I got to that point where I told my doctor that I realized the way I am living my life that it is not worth living because I was no linger really living, for me that in no way means anything like ending life but that no matter what I choose to do differently it would be better than what I am currently doing, of course I want to make changes that a healthy and add to a quality of life so I can fully enjoy my family and friends, after this conversation with my doctor is when I was advised that he believes my mother has BPD.

This has helped put the puzzle pieces together regarding her, and I understand that growing up with a high functioning BPD mother has impacted me, maybe this is what I realized on an intuitive level when I knew that when someone else criticized me my logic told me one thing but my feeling were different, "hurt" and so I did not want to respond so I tried to make myself small to avoid this happening.

mindfulness is awesome, I am trying to capture my thoughts as I find myself feeling hurt, sad etc. It is difficult as they do seem (thoughts) slippery. The thoughts on the surface are not negative most often I can just get a glimpse if I can get down deep enough.

So now with a little foundation for the question. Does anyone who has grown up with a parent who has this disorder, Know where to start? It seems so overwhelming, I know I need to fix myself, my thinking patterns and get back into life, I think I would be better able to cope with my mom if I was able to shed the programing.

I have been reading, there is so much information but where do I start when it comes to fixing me?

Thanks for any ideas,

Peaceat54 

[peaceat54]

I just figured out that I am able to click on the numbered items in the Survivors guide and more information is available,

Sorry not use to this format or forum. LOL

Thanks

Peaceat54

[Botswana Agate]

 

This book, "Understanding the Borderline Mother", was invaluable for me. 

www.amazon.com/Understanding-Borderline-Mother-Unpredictable-Relationship/dp/0765703319

[AsianSon]

Does anyone who has grown up with a parent who has this disorder, Know where to start? It seems so overwhelming, I know I need to fix myself, my thinking patterns and get back into life, I think I would be better able to cope with my mom if I was able to shed the programing.

I have been reading, there is so much information but where do I start when it comes to fixing me?

Thanks for any ideas,

Peaceat54 

This book, "Understanding the Borderline Mother", was invaluable for me. 

www.amazon.com/Understanding-Borderline-Mother-Unpredictable-Relationship/dp/0765703319

Hi peaceat54,

I join the others in welcoming you and letting you know that you are not alone.  I only recognized my uBPDm's condition recently and joined these boards a few months ago. 

I too am working on learning how to cope/heal/deal with my life time of being affected by her and the continuing pressures of her presence.  I have the book recommended by Botswana Agate and say "yes!" to how helpful it is.  If availability is an issue, perhaps a library can help you get a copy. 

Perhaps as a first item, it sounds like you will be maintaining contact with your mother.  Correct?  I am in the same situation b/c NC is not an option.  I don't know if it would be considered LC or VLC, but I am setting the level of contact based on what I decide to be acceptable. 

And while I cannot stop my BPDm from contacting me, I control my reactions to her when/if that happens.  Also, I am happy to take advantage of any times where she chooses to give me the "silent treatment"   

Next, I have been working on "updating" myself.  I started with recognizing aspects of myself that were "me" despite the BPD effects for so many years.  For example, I remembered that as a very young child, I wanted to help those less fortunate than me.  This was NOT learned from my parents. 

I also found aspects that seem to require change.  For example, my anger and tendency to "fix" others.  I suspect that these were learned from the BPD effects, and so I am unlearning them (or more accurately learning to be mindful of not blindly follow them). 

This has helped put the puzzle pieces together regarding her, and I understand that growing up with a high functioning BPD mother has impacted me, maybe this is what I realized on an intuitive level when I knew that when someone else criticized me my logic told me one thing but my feeling were different, "hurt" and so I did not want to respond so I tried to make myself small to avoid this happening.

From your description, perhaps you might start with trusting your own intuition and logic.  Have confidence in you!  And whether you speak out or "make yourself small" or do something else is your choice, and don't let your BPDm or anyone else control that.  For situations with her, there are tools that are useful for communicating with pwBPD.  I tend to favor SET, which is discussed in part on the Workshops board. 

With my work, I have been making amends to my wife and children and working on developing personal relationships to be healthier and happier. 

I hope perhaps some of the above is helpful to you.  Please remember that each of us is stronger than we know. 

Wishing you peace,

A

[peaceat54]

Hi A 

Thank you so much,

What you say has resonated with me, I will be getting that book I have read surviving the Borderline Parent and a few others, I realize that when I have not followed my intuition that is when I get into bigger problems, it seems this is a warning system and I find that to be true, I also know who I am, who I have always been.

I will be using non-defensive communication skill rather than just taking in what others say without responding at all, I think as I do this I will be better able to find those thoughts that are so imbedded in me that cause me to feel sad when the current situation does not warrant such a feeling.

This has been quite a strange experience learning that my mom has BPD but at the same time it is also liberating as I can now begin to understand what the child inside of me needed to do so she could survive.

You know I just realized that I would never allow myself to just react to things because of the way my mom always over-reacted and so I always wanted to make sure not to react, now though I can start to respond with my communication skills and maybe in time my current thoughts will match my feelings. Funny thing, I was able to be there in any situation for my children and others just not for myself.

I also feel I need to fix everyone else's troubles, wonder if that is one of those imbedded thoughts   

Thank you for sharing where you are and how you have been able to get there, It means the world to me.

Best Regards,

Peaceat54

[AsianSon]

Hi peaceat54,

It sounds like you have a plan and are on your way--Congratulations!   

This has been quite a strange experience learning that my mom has BPD but at the same time it is also liberating as I can now begin to understand what the child inside of me needed to do so she could survive.

I have felt that too--don't lose sight of it!

You know I just realized that I would never allow myself to just react to things because of the way my mom always over-reacted and so I always wanted to make sure not to react, now though I can start to respond with my communication skills and maybe in time my current thoughts will match my feelings.

Thank you very much for sharing this.  I am in a kind of reverse situation, where my goal is to NOT react to my BPDm.  This is giving her all kinds of discomfort because she isn't get to turn interactions into an emotional rollercoaster.  Unfortunately, she just goes into blame mode against me as a failure and "non-human". 

I also feel I need to fix everyone else's troubles, wonder if that is one of those imbedded thoughts   

I have seen posts here about pwBPD creating a fixer/rescuer mentality in non-BPD family members.  I can say I came to recognize that I am one as well.  So I work on NOT being a fixer/rescuer because I really want to leave that club. 

Wishing you peace,

A

[Ziggiddy]

  Hi Peace - I am sorry, very sorry for the confusion you must be feeling. It can all be a bit overwhelming can't it? I am also glad that you have found your way here to a supportive and encouraging community.

At first I think we all do the reading - it's like a hunger to understand and pin answers. The harder bit comes when you try to put it all into a context that has meaning for you.

Have you been able at all to write some things down? I found that printing information and then underlining it was quite helpful. I would come across some interesting or revealing point and think "Aha! Yes I remember when ... . " and then make a little notation at the side. Eventually I would turn the paper ove rand sketch points that were important to me.

It seems to me your confidence has taken some blows:

I would not respond to negative statements, I thought if I gave myself time I could figure out why I felt hurt when someone criticized what I was doing, I won't give myself permission to react to things because I knew what was said/done was not anything about me logically and yet it hurt emotionally.

maybe this is what I realized on an intuitive level when I knew that when someone else criticized me my logic told me one thing but my feeling were different, "hurt" and so I did not want to respond so I tried to make myself small to avoid this happening

of COURSE you find it hard to be criticised. Even the most well meaning and constructive criticism is hard to take but when you have been constantly criticised for years upon years (I'm assuming here) your amygdala and hippocampus get damaged and your own self value is affected.

Have you been able to spend some time focussing on what is good about you? Perhaps making a list of your positive qualities and good things you have done? This can help remove the focus from the one criticising you and open up some space for relief as you start to learn just how unjustified and  untrue it all is. (Seerojection!)

Logic is one thing but our hearts aren't always convinced by it!

It may be you are experiencing a kind of paralysis because you have no safe way to react?

My own frustration is difficult to manage when i realise I can't have a rational conversation about flaws (mine or hers) with my mother. She has no capacity to hear me when I am upset with something she has said or done and behaves as though I have no right to be angry with her ever. I have been slowly learning that this paralysis (in me) is begun in fear and that has germinated from anger.

The more time you have away from 'the noise' the better able you will be to access your true authentic feelings and build up your self esteem. Sounds simple and we know it's not!

Little steps, Peace. Little steps. Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself as you would treat your friend. Your voice may well have been drowned out and it may be hard for you to hear it again. Spend sometime looking at it from a perspective of what YOU would have done in your mother's position. How YOU would have treated the child that was you. Maybe spend some time with your pleasant memories as a child or older - especially ones that don't involve your mother. Get to know yourself a little more in light of your new perspective. Your memories all need to be recast with your new knowledge and this takes time. It is so worthwhile! And keep posting and writing.

Although I knnow you have been in therapy and you have read a whole heap, I would recommend you have a look at the Survivor Guide even if you have already. It's in the RH margin --->

I hope you can find some quiet in your mind.