After 30 years of marriage, I've separated but foolishly conflicted on divorce.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It has been 7 months since I moved out, after enduring 30y marriage to uBPDh. Since separation the evidence of his suspected affair was discovered. I had initially planned to wait 6 months before filing for divorce, however that date happened to coincide with our 30 yr wedding anniversary.

     I was doing much better emotionally with the separation up until that week, when I began to once again mourn my marriage, while at the same time began second guessing my choice, likely out of a false sense of nostalgia. I remained in isolation, and depressed for nearly 2 weeks, around our anniversary date, praying, and studying God's word and revisiting my BPD recovery resources in an attempt to pull myself back out of this emotional funk. The despair soon faded, yet the inner conflict still lingers.

       Logically I know it is not going to be a quick emotional recovery from such a long term marriage, but I am almost ashamed of the fact that I could even DESIRE to be with this man again. Not only due to the chaotic dynamics of the marriage to my uBPDh, but moreso , for the way he has reacted to the separation. He outright refused to acknowledge that our marriage needed professional help, and then began a FALSE smear campaign, of me. He even flaunted his discovered mistress to me, and his children and even to a choice few circle of friends.

        Not once since the separation has the realization that I was at the end of my rope & serious, prompted him into remorse, let alone a desire for reconciliation.  To the contrary he has become colder, more blatant, and even distant from our adult children.  I believe,because they are demanding remorse for his affair, and his refusal to work on the marriage. I keep telling them that this is our issue, and they should not have to endure these matters, but as adults they hold him just as accountable for his witnessed behavior over the years. In addition, HE involved them by forwarding emails and texts that I sent him over the past year, urging him & US to get some professional help in our marriage. I know he was just being manipulative and seeking allies, but it backfired because I later found out they TOO encouraged him to do the same. YET he still refused to  seek professional help, instead he basically tried to blame me, and everything and everyone else. As adults now, having grown up around the chaos, they see right through him, and because they are OUR children they have a bit of our tenacity and are calling him on his foolishness. As much as I tried to make this just about the 2 of us, they legitimately  feel affected, and blame, HIM for NOT being willing to repair our family unit. As the CENTRAL family in our large circle of extended family and friends, our separation has affected many lives.  Our home was the gathering spot, for all,the holidays. We arranged nearly all the family vacations, cruises, etc for our 60 plus extended family members. In addition we own a Family business that is also now fractured and on the brink of destruction, as he continues to employ his mistress.

        The Family business is one of the MAIN reasons I am needing to legally divorce ASAP  in order to protect my investment and prevent costly tax and debt accumulation due to my absence.  As foolish as it sounds I cannot stop LOVING this disrespectful, clueless albeit likely mental disordered man, yet realistically I know that it has to be over. I cannot re-enter his chaotic world, when he refuses to EVEN acknowledge the behavior let alone the strong possibility that he suffers a mental health disorder. He remains in complete denial, and seems stuck there. I need to proceed with the divorce, why can't I?

     

[nursemyBPD]

It has been 7 months since I moved out, after enduring 30y marriage to uBPDh. Since separation the evidence of his suspected affair was discovered. I had initially planned to wait 6 months before filing for divorce, however that date happened to coincide with our 30 yr wedding anniversary.

     I was doing much better emotionally with the separation up until that week, when I began to once again mourn my marriage, while at the same time began second guessing my choice, likely out of a false sense of nostalgia. I remained in isolation, and depressed for nearly 2 weeks, around our anniversary date, praying, and studying God's word and revisiting my BPD recovery resources in an attempt to pull myself back out of this emotional funk. The despair soon faded, yet the inner conflict still lingers.

       Logically I know it is not going to be a quick emotional recovery from such a long term marriage, but I am almost ashamed of the fact that I could even DESIRE to be with this man again. Not only due to the chaotic dynamics of the marriage to my uBPDh, but moreso , for the way he has reacted to the separation. He outright refused to acknowledge that our marriage needed professional help, and then began a FALSE smear campaign, of me. He even flaunted his discovered mistress to me, and his children and even to a choice few circle of friends.

        Not once since the separation has the realization that I was at the end of my rope & serious, prompted him into remorse, let alone a desire for reconciliation.  To the contrary he has become colder, more blatant, and even distant from our adult children.  I believe,because they are demanding remorse for his affair, and his refusal to work on the marriage. I keep telling them that this is our issue, and they should not have to endure these matters, but as adults they hold him just as accountable for his witnessed behavior over the years. In addition, HE involved them by forwarding emails and texts that I sent him over the past year, urging him & US to get some professional help in our marriage. I know he was just being manipulative and seeking allies, but it backfired because I later found out they TOO encouraged him to do the same. YET he still refused to  seek professional help, instead he basically tried to blame me, and everything and everyone else. As adults now, having grown up around the chaos, they see right through him, and because they are OUR children they have a bit of our tenacity and are calling him on his foolishness. As much as I tried to make this just about the 2 of us, they legitimately  feel affected, and blame, HIM for NOT being willing to repair our family unit. As the CENTRAL family in our large circle of extended family and friends, our separation has affected many lives.  Our home was the gathering spot, for all,the holidays. We arranged nearly all the family vacations, cruises, etc for our 60 plus extended family members. In addition we own a Family business that is also now fractured and on the brink of destruction, as he continues to employ his mistress.

        The Family business is one of the MAIN reasons I am needing to legally divorce ASAP  in order to protect my investment and prevent costly tax and debt accumulation due to my absence.  As foolish as it sounds I cannot stop LOVING this disrespectful, clueless albeit likely mental disordered man, yet realistically I know that it has to be over. I cannot re-enter his chaotic world, when he refuses to EVEN acknowledge the behavior let alone the strong possibility that he suffers a mental health disorder. He remains in complete denial, and seems stuck there. I need to proceed with the divorce, why can't I?

     

[ForeverDad]

As foolish as it sounds I cannot stop LOVING this disrespectful, clueless albeit likely mental disordered man, yet realistically I know that it has to be over... . I need to proceed with the divorce, why can't I?

Your head knows what must be done, your heart will take time to catch up.  The longer you are out of the dysfunction, the more recovery you can make.  Gradually you'll come to resolve your conflicting stay/go emotions and the more you recover the more you'll realize this is the right decision.

[whirlpoollife]

Maybe because your house was that central location for the family, you planned the vacations etc

you feel the guilt for that not happening anymore... . for the time being.  A divorce in large families is a tidal wave of shock ... . for the time being.  It will calm down.

Picture yourself just you and h, take away the extended family , what would you do FOR YOU.

The family does not live h , you do.

We wish for the utopia marriage, we blame ourselves it's not, or  we hope tomorrow all the negative will go away and magically the PD spouse will be normal again and forever.

Not going to happen.

"... . divorce asap... "  Better start. I filed over two years ago ... . from a 27 yr marriage.

You are in business, so... . cut the emotions, it's a business deal now.

[livednlearned]

I think it's really common to feel what you're feeling! And anniversaries tend to trigger nostalgia. Harriet Lerner talks about this in her books -- Dance of Intimacy is the one that comes to mind. It's ok to feel all over the map, and the guilt is probably a habit of behavior after years and years of living with someone disordered. Even in BPD marriages, there are good times and it sounds like you were able to create something special among and for your extended family even if he destroyed it. Don't beat yourself up -- you did something really tough. You left a long marriage and made the decision to protect yourself.

Also, if it's any consolation -- my ex did the same thing your H did with emails. N/BPDx decided to forward private emails that I wrote to him during our marriage and sent them to our 12 year old son. In the emails, I was appeasing, apologizing, begging, asking N/BPDx to forgive me (after he had exploded in a rage and given me the silent treatment for a week). N/BPDx decided S12 needed to see those emails, and it backfired the same way you describe.

It's shocking to leave these marriages, and it can be an emotional roller coaster. You've done the hardest thing, and it will be up and down for a while. I've been out for 3.5 years and didn't think I'd ever be in love again, but I found someone wonderful and never imagined for myself that I would recover to this extent.

Hang in there  

[Forestaken]

               he has become colder, more blatant, and even distant from our adult children.  I believe,because they are demanding remorse for his affair, and his refusal to work on the marriage. I keep telling them that this is our issue, and they should not have to endure these matters, but as adults they hold him just as accountable for his witnessed behavior over the years. ... .

As adults now, having grown up around the chaos, they see right through him, and because they are OUR children they have a bit of our tenacity and are calling him on his foolishness. As much as I tried to make this just about the 2 of us, they legitimately  feel affected, and blame, HIM for NOT being willing to repair our family unit. ... .

I need to proceed with the divorce, why can't I?

I understand (sort of) what you are going through.  My uBPD+dOCDxw was physically abusive to me in front of the kids (now D20 & S24).  It affected them.  They blame her despite her denials.  My kids encouraged the divorce and in some ways resented me taking so long.

How does your kids feel toward you and your situation?  Your children suffered with you

[nursemyBPD]

Thanks everyone for your replies, and validation! I'm slowly getting the courage to start the divorce process, within the next few weeks.

     N " Forestaken" asked how our adult children were taking the separation & impending divorce? The 3 of them have been very supportive of me, and although I avoid having specific conversations with them, about our separation & divorce, because I don't want them to feel they have to choose, nor do I want to bring anymore grief into their young adult lives. The oldest, D29 is having the most difficulty, she was/is a Daddy's girl, and she continues to reach out to him to try to salvage some sort of relationship with him. Yet she feels his efforts are half hearted and insincere, as he doesn't pursue contact or conversations , she always has too, and now, she says she gives up , she no longer has a father, & that breaks my heart! She just posted on Facebook yesterday! " I miss my Family, all of it! Then of course several of the extended family members chimed in, that they miss it to, nothing is the same, Sunday dinners are not the same, the July 4th BBQ that was always at our House, was missed etc. Our other 2 children D25 & S23, basically do not speak to him, D29 & S23 did take him fishing for Father's Day, yet he brought his Mom & his brother along. They said they had a good time, but it was not the same, kinda awkward us how they put it. D25 ,who has a more obstinate personality, chose not to go, nor has she reached out or responded to his feeble attempts to text that he loves her. Our 2 daughters both graduated College in May, & although he attended the ceremonies, he did not come to the family celebration, at my house, even though I invited him.

[toomanytears]

Hi nursemyBPD

Yes I think you should move fast - look after yourself financially and give yourself permission to grieve later. Once you are financially independent you can start building a new life, rebuilding your lovely family but in a new way. All is not lost for your kids - they have you and you still have - by the sound of it - a supportive network of family and friends.

My first reaction was very similar to yours - I don't want to be a divorced woman. Once I found out about his affair - probably affairs - it became even harder to let go somehow. Like you I still love, and probably always will, this dyfunctional disordered, sad and lonely man. So will my kids. But we all have to move on, heal and rebuild.

Ten months after my BPDH left the decree nisi came through. It was yesterday, after almost 32 years of marriage to the day. I was very worried that i would break down - the courts had given us the exact time - 10 am - I had meetings all day long and didn't want my colleagues to see me weeping - again! As it happened I was so busy at work I forgot about the time till later. Filling my day with lots of contact and activities sure helped.

Thank goodness the day is over and I made it without a single tear after too many tears. But now the divorce is a reality I can press ahead with the financial stuff - and it's going to take time.

Keep reading and posting - it's the best therapy.

[nursemyBPD]

Wow! I don't know why I am still surprised with his response to my first initial divorce proposal agreement. He is just so cold,calculating and dismissive it is tough to face his indifference and outright meanness.  After virtually NC in 7mo. Since our separation. He unexpectedly texted with some foolishness over a cashed small rebate check and said he wanted to just be done with me and quickly, so I emailed him a well thought out, non confrontational note, and my proposed divorce agreement, urging us to remain amiable for the sake of our adult children, and virtually saying I would agree to allowing him to continue to own & operate our business of 10 years exclusively. I only asked for 40% IF and WHEN he ever decided to sell it or take on a partner/investor. YET he replied nastily, that he doesn't want to give me any percent of our business EVER. He starting saying he was ready for a fight, and other nasty, mean an delusional things. Blaming me for causing this all, for setting him up etc. I know it's typical BPD behavior, but the sheer delusional aspects and outright lies they convince their ownselves about still baffles me. Even knowing all that I learned about BPD 30years of marriage & nothing but faithfully trying to soothe the BPD beast, and not only can he replace me in a blink of an eye, but be so cold and vicious is very hard for me to overcome emotionally.

[ForeverDad]

He unexpectedly texted with some foolishness over a cashed small rebate check and said he wanted to just be done with me and quickly, so I emailed him a well thought out, non confrontational note, and my proposed divorce agreement, urging us to remain amiable for the sake of our adult children, and virtually saying I would agree to allowing him to continue to own & operate our business of 10 years exclusively. I only asked for 40% IF and WHEN he ever decided to sell it or take on a partner/investor. YET he replied nastily, that he doesn't want to give me any percent of our business EVER. He starting saying he was ready for a fight, and other nasty, mean an delusional things.

Sorry, but in cases like ours dealing with people who exhibit Borderline or Narcissistic behavior patterns, you can't expect reciprocity.  You can offer an olive branch over and over and get attacked anyway.  That strategy simply doesn't work, at least not as a long term solution.

In effect you've made your best offer, probably too much and too soon.  For example, what if he runs the business into the ground or lets this business wither away while he starts another business, you would get 40% of next to nothing.  It would be better to get something up front.  Reasons:

• It is solid business now, you don't know what shape it will be in later after he's found a loophole or other way to sabotage you.



• Saying you want the money only if he sells/partners means you don't really need the money.



• Saying you want the money only if he sells/partners means you may never get the money.

As difficult as it is, you want to unwind this link to him, sooner rather than later.  If he's causing problems over a small rebate check, there will surely be huge problems getting your fair portion later.  Imagine this rebate check nonsense times 1000.  The marriage is ending, so should every relationship based on the marriage.  Sooner is better than later.

However, you've made an offer.  But don't feel you're stuck with that weak offer.  If he hasn't accepted it then you can inform him that your offer is withdrawn and will seek to have your interest in the family business resolved now during the divorce case.  Maybe he can make a set number of monthly payments to you, in effect, like alimony but you don't call it that of course.  Be sure to have a payment timetable agreed upon and consequences for failure to comply.   As I wrote above, resolving this sooner is better than later.

[nursemyBPD]

Thanks ForeverDad, I know that I should have expected this type of response, from him. Unfortunately the business is not really profitable,due primarily to his unwillingness to make the necessary changes to make it profitable. I've even considered just walking away from it All, but I and 2 of our 3 children put it allot of time building the business only to let him sabotage any chance of continued success due to his unreasonable stagnation. Since sending the email I have been bombarded with several follow up emails, blaming me for everything under the sun, including cheating on him, which of course is untrue. I cannot even get him to discuss the loans and debts, he is just stuck passing blame, and telling me how awful I was as a wife, how I never wanted him physically, and how I never provided his emotional needs ever,mhow I just abandoned him and the business. UGH! I just hate this BPD behavior, I want to be done once and for all, and yet I am still shedding sincere tears for him, and I still love him, but know it has to be over, there is no more,hope, time will heal my wounds, but right now, the 7 months of relief and peace since I moved out, is being invaded by his chaos again!

      As advised by an attorney I consulted with, it would be best to ensure he has some sort of income, so he does not try to come after me for spousal support, as I hold a full time job as well. I only am interested in the equipment, as our son will one day open a similar business, our S23 went to school to learn the trade, and attempted for 3 years to work with his Father to improve and build the business profits, with ZERO pay, yet typical BPD behavior refused to cooperate at all, & S23 was forced to seek employment elsewhere, yet still plans on pursuing his dreams. We own an operate a small restaurant,and our S23 is a trained Chef, he is moving up the career ladder pretty quickly, and currently holds an executive Chef position at a nearby Casino. He still tried to help his father with catering and special events, for FREE and got zero acknowledgment, instead got indifference or even sabatoge, so he soon stopped trying too. I believe uBPDh will soon run our restaurant into the ground, and I thought at least I could benefit by using the equipment in our sons restaurant he plans to have in the future, but it may be less trouble to just walk away, and repurchase equipment at that time, but we don't have allot of money, so it would save some $$. In addition I feel cheated of all my financial contributions, and hands on work of myself and our children's  for the past 10 years, if I succumb to his BPD tactics in causing so much conflict in the process that it may not be worth it. I'm going to really have to rethink this. Sigh,   :'(

[ForeverDad]

Woolspinner2000 posted this over on our Coping/Healing board, it is so insightful about our conflicted emotions and perceptions that I wanted to pass it on over here too.

Topic: Emotional Incest

I too have struggled with if those around me, especially my husband, 'really' love me. Because of emotional incest, the only way I learned to recognize what I thought, felt, and perceived truly as love was if there was emotional unhealthiness taking place, or what I now know is 'unhealthy' love. In the past couple months I've come up with my own list of what I thought was love. Here are a few examples of what love was to me: demanding love, smothering love, appeasing love, controlling love, conditional love, and invasive love. Those are all so extremely unhealthy and really have nothing to do with love at all, but I very much thought they were love. Without them, I've been lost, struggling to find what feels loving in the healthy realm, and I'm finally on the track to saying the following are examples of what real love is all about:  quieting love, trusting love, beautiful love, accepting love, patient love, equipping love, and safe love to name a few.