Sibling just starting the process of separation.. incident log

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all,

Thanks for this board - this is my first post (of many, I'm certain!).

My sibling has just started the process of separation from BPD spouse. 

She has D10, S15.

He has started his slander campaign with parents of the friends of their children, with the dysfunctional neighbors, etc.

Trying to make her into a pariah and put pressure on her to "just reconcile" with him.  He has no reputation to lose and wants to hurt her by trying to damage her reputation within the community they work, live, kids go to school in.

He's out of the house (OOP) as of 2 months ago because if he were in the house he'd be mentally exhausting / drowning her an hourly basis about her "feelings" on the relationship.

She has an attorney, he has engaged an attorney (litigator even though several collaborative were recc'ed to him).

1st letter of request has gone out from his attorney for spousal support (a crazy amount) and her attorney fired back last week requesting temp. custody while he's in treatment.

She has allowed him to see kids all 4 Sundays since he's back from 30 day in patient.  1st visit went horrible, but she still allowed the 2nd visit.

Positive he is manipulating the 15 year old to spy, take care of his poor BPD victim father.

This guy will never focus on his own treatment (which she just paid for 40 days of) and the treatment won't help anyway because he's BPD with some bipolar presenting.

I want to make sure she is prepared for court, when the time comes of all his violations of the OOP = emailing explicity sexual emails, emails about reconciling, harrassing emails in general etc when it's only supposed to be emails regarding the kids.

This guy worries me as he's tracking her whereabouts through the kids, calling neighbors, calling kid's friend's parents and most likely doing drive bys of the house, etc.

It has been a month since papers were served and I fear when the realization that he cannot lie and manipulate out of this (I'm better, I love you, I want to reconcile, etc.) - the anger will really set in and who knows if he could get physical.

He will make her life hell when they have to start co-parenting - that's a given.

My goal is to put together the most compelling / factual incident log for the court. 

Does anyone have any advice or examples?  How far back into the marriage will they look at to show his patterns and when do they look at this stuff?

The state they are in is a pro joint custody state - so even if he's unstable - he has to be really bad in order for her to get full custody - apparently.

Thanks for any and all advice.  I worry for her safety on a daily basis.

[Hard Rock]

Hi all,

Thanks for this board - this is my first post (of many, I'm certain!).

My sibling has just started the process of separation from BPD spouse. 

She has D10, S15.

He has started his slander campaign with parents of the friends of their children, with the dysfunctional neighbors, etc.

Trying to make her into a pariah and put pressure on her to "just reconcile" with him.  He has no reputation to lose and wants to hurt her by trying to damage her reputation within the community they work, live, kids go to school in.

He's out of the house (OOP) as of 2 months ago because if he were in the house he'd be mentally exhausting / drowning her an hourly basis about her "feelings" on the relationship.

She has an attorney, he has engaged an attorney (litigator even though several collaborative were recc'ed to him).

1st letter of request has gone out from his attorney for spousal support (a crazy amount) and her attorney fired back last week requesting temp. custody while he's in treatment.

She has allowed him to see kids all 4 Sundays since he's back from 30 day in patient.  1st visit went horrible, but she still allowed the 2nd visit.

Positive he is manipulating the 15 year old to spy, take care of his poor BPD victim father.

This guy will never focus on his own treatment (which she just paid for 40 days of) and the treatment won't help anyway because he's BPD with some bipolar presenting.

I want to make sure she is prepared for court, when the time comes of all his violations of the OOP = emailing explicity sexual emails, emails about reconciling, harrassing emails in general etc when it's only supposed to be emails regarding the kids.

This guy worries me as he's tracking her whereabouts through the kids, calling neighbors, calling kid's friend's parents and most likely doing drive bys of the house, etc.

It has been a month since papers were served and I fear when the realization that he cannot lie and manipulate out of this (I'm better, I love you, I want to reconcile, etc.) - the anger will really set in and who knows if he could get physical.

He will make her life hell when they have to start co-parenting - that's a given.

My goal is to put together the most compelling / factual incident log for the court. 

Does anyone have any advice or examples?  How far back into the marriage will they look at to show his patterns and when do they look at this stuff?

The state they are in is a pro joint custody state - so even if he's unstable - he has to be really bad in order for her to get full custody - apparently.

Thanks for any and all advice.  I worry for her safety on a daily basis.

[free-n-clear]

  Hi, Tangoburger.

   I'm sorry to hear of the trouble your sister is having with her stbx (soon-to-be-ex) spouse. She's blessed to have you there looking out for her, and I'm glad you've found your way to this community. The information, resources and most importantly, the support you'll find here will put you in good stead to help her as she goes through this difficult time.

   This Family Law board is a great place for you to start, especially for specific questions like... .

My goal is to put together the most compelling / factual incident log for the court. Does anyone have any advice or examples? How far back into the marriage will they look at to show his patterns and when do they look at this stuff?

   ... . and the members on this board will no doubt offer you the benefit of their experience.

   I encourage you to also check out bpdfamily.com About Personality Disorders and the Family Courts, where you'll find helpful information, How to "Ex" Communicate (Parenting after the divorce), and Safety First.

   Is your sister aware of this site? There's much here that she would find invaluable. This site has helped thousands of people in her situation, I'm sure it will help her, too - either indirectly through you, or directly. So Welcome Aboard! You're in the right place.

   free'n'clear.

[ForeverDad]

Your sibling has an OOP which is a good start.  Is it for a specific period of time or does it cover the entire divorce process?  Be aware they generally aren't permanent so she likely will have to document a need for it to be extended.

Thirty days in-patient is documentation that he has substantive issues.  I use that word because that's the word my court used when determining whether I had cause to seek full custody - the divorce was over and I needed to seek Change of Circumstances to end the Shared Parenting.  With his history there's no harm at all for her to at least try for full custody.  The old saying... . nothing ventured, nothing gained.  I also phrase it this way, if you ask for it you might get it, if you don't ask for it you won't get it.

Most courts consider custody as separate from parenting time.  Find out how your state and local courts handle it.  She may have to live with joint legal custody but the amount of scheduled parenting time can be a separate matter altogether.

She should seek full custody (may take a custody evaluation to get a professional to recommend it) but include a secondary option, that if the court declines to grant her full custody, then she asks for tie-breaker or decision-making status in joint custody.  That way she can still do her parenting without the predictable obstructions and without having to resort to Parenting Coordinators, mediators or going back to court over and over...

All courts see alternating weekends as normal for separated or divorced parents.  (In some cases they make it first, third and fifth weekends, a minor variation to alternate weekends.  They don't expect one parent to get all the weekends without basis to do so.  And no, being in-patient or incarcerated is not basis.  However, that might be basis not to be guilted into it.)  Exceptions are for professions such as firefighters, policemen, etc who have unusual schedule requirements.  So there was no reason for her to allow him to have all four recent weekends.  Did he guilt her into allowing that, calling it makeup for while he was unavailable?  If so, then she should have held firm to a normal alternate weekend schedule.  As an example, in my case when my ex and I were separated and between parenting time orders, she blocked all my father-child contact for 3 months while I filed and waited for the next court date.  Three months of zero contact without basis, do you think the court felt bad for me and gave me make-up time or gave my ex harsh consequences?  No, the magistrate just confirmed from ex she had blocked 3 months and merely said, "I'll fix that, I'll make a new temp order" same as the old temp order with me getting minimal alternate weekends.  My point is that court often ignores the past conflict and doesn't order make-up time, so no need for your sibling to be guilted into it.

Courts often ignore incidents older than six months before filing as 'stale' or 'not actionable' but such incidents in the past can count as history or pattern of behaviors.

Many courts effectively ignore mental health labels concluding they don't know how much it affects the parenting.  Realizing that, your sibling needs to be careful not to "play doctor" claiming mental health labels or diagnoses.  Even if she gets a diagnosis, that's not what counts most.  She needs to do what most professionals and the courts do, focus on the behaviors and behavior patterns.  While she can mention the poor adult behaviors, she should give priority to his poor parenting behaviors since that is what the courts give priority attention.

In my case (similar to what most members here have experienced) my ex was never diagnosed, however, her parenting behaviors became the determining factors.  The custody evaluator's initial report stated, "Mother cannot share 'her' child but Father can."

[Panda39]

Hi Tangoburger,

Your sister's story is very similar to my SO's (significant other).  He went through many of the things you describe about your sister.  His uBPDex still runs her dis-information campaign against my Honey (He's just such a horrible abusive father!... . have you heard of projection?) and it's sometimes not fun but ultimately the pwBPD gives themselves away, your sister doesn't need to defend herself to the neighbors etc.  Actions speak louder than words and the people that really matter and really know your sister won't buy the BS to begin with.  My SO also experienced the kids spying on him to such an extreme that they even reported to their mom what he kept in his refridgerator 

I have a few suggestions right off the bat... . have her read the book "Splitting" by Bill Eddy, LCSW, JD and have her read up on "Parental Alienation" (check out the book reviews on this site it's an excellent resource). Also, have her always communicate with her soon to be ex via email that way everything is documented in writing (helpful when going to court) and it allows her time to respond (or not) to the barrage of emotional vomit she will no doubt receive. She might want to try and answer only emails about the kids and don't respond to anything else... . try not to engage in the emotional gymnastics that the stbxBPDh will try an involve her in.

Your sister is lucky to have you in her corner... . stick with her because this can be a long haul. Tell her about this website it can be a huge relief to know you are not alone and that their are others that have gone through this and have come out the other side. 

Good luck to you both and keep coming back there there is a ton of experience and expertise to draw on.