how to tell teenager that you've made appointment for them to see psychologist?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi, I have D12 and D15, 50/50 custody with uBPDxw.  D15 has seen a couple psychologists in the past for some behaviors that just seemed off, plus depression and low self esteem.  But the last one was a year ago.  We had an interval because moved a couple times and change of health insurance.

How to tell D15 that I've made appointment for her to see a psychologist again?  She is very resistant.  I will tell her that D12 will see one too (she requested it) and possibly that I myself will also (kind of concerned that uBPDxw will get this info and twist it against me).

If I wait until the day before to tell her, she complains I never inform until last minute.  If I tell well in advance, I get to hear many days of complaining.  My ex is only half way on board re D15 seeing psych (I don't think she'll stop it, but she also isn't pushing for it).  Kids already resistant to living with me because they are much freer from restraints at mom's house, I don't want to push it over the edge, but at the same time D15 needs help.

The time when I can force D15 to see a psychologist is rapidly drawing to a close.  She did run away from my house recently so I'm kind of ginger about forcing anything.

OK, comments / suggestions greatly appreciated.

p

[pilgrim]

Hi, I have D12 and D15, 50/50 custody with uBPDxw.  D15 has seen a couple psychologists in the past for some behaviors that just seemed off, plus depression and low self esteem.  But the last one was a year ago.  We had an interval because moved a couple times and change of health insurance.

How to tell D15 that I've made appointment for her to see a psychologist again?  She is very resistant.  I will tell her that D12 will see one too (she requested it) and possibly that I myself will also (kind of concerned that uBPDxw will get this info and twist it against me).

If I wait until the day before to tell her, she complains I never inform until last minute.  If I tell well in advance, I get to hear many days of complaining.  My ex is only half way on board re D15 seeing psych (I don't think she'll stop it, but she also isn't pushing for it).  Kids already resistant to living with me because they are much freer from restraints at mom's house, I don't want to push it over the edge, but at the same time D15 needs help.

The time when I can force D15 to see a psychologist is rapidly drawing to a close.  She did run away from my house recently so I'm kind of ginger about forcing anything.

OK, comments / suggestions greatly appreciated.

p

[Turkish]

That's a tough one, but it sounds as if she is free to resist, that she will go, rather than resisting more strongly if you wait until the last minute.

I understand your fear of your Ex possibly obtaining "ammo" to use against you if she finds out you are in therapy. It's typical of many of the pwBPD in our lives, no?

I asked my therapist point-blank last year if it would look bad should we ever have to go to court if I were in therapy. He said no, and the fact that I stayed with it after the split demonstrates character on my part. What was left unsaid is the fact that she abandoned hers after just two sessions.

[mywifecrazy]

I also,asked my T if uBPDxw could use the fact that I have S14 in therapy. He said no and that it is actually looked upon favorably by the courts as it shows concern for kids mental health.

I don't see how you seeing a T could hurt either. I have seen a T and it's because my X is doing things that hurt myself and my sons. If anything it will be a reflection of HER behavior. My only concern was using the same T as S7. The T said it's no big deal but I decided I would use a different T just so the X can't say I'm trying  persuade S7 through the same T.

I just can't trust her dignity on ANYTHING

[twogrey]

I was in the same situation when I was the age of your D15. After my parents split up, my uBPDm tried and tried and tried to get me to see her T. What I see as normal teenage growth and independence, she viewed as pulling away, being difficult, and being contrary. I resisted going to the T because I felt like I was being micromanaged, and honestly did not want to "improve" the relationship with my mom. It finally got so bad that I agreed to go.  The T tried to explore what was the cause of the arguments (no one knew anything about BPD back then) and treated ours as a "normal" and "reasonable" situation ... . which I know now it was not. She zeroed in on arguments stemming from money issues, and sent me home with the task of keeping track of the money I spent for several weeks. I returned with a fully balanced ledger with every penny accounted for, and she acknowledged that it appeared that I did not have any problem with money management.  At that point I was done and refused to go back, although uBPDm continued to insist for years that therapy for me would have solved our problems. I continued to resist future attempts (over 20 years) to get me to counseling until DH said, "why don't you just go?  You're a successful professional.  You're not doing anything wrong. What are you afraid of?"  With that empowerment, I told uBPDm to arrange therapy so we could start to work it out ... . and I never heard anything about it again.

So ... A long response to your question ... but you might consider asking your daughter if she would try going just once.  Unless there are obvious current problems, tell her that it's just about getting a pulse on the family dynamics and that she can quit if she wants to ... after she has gone once (or twice) ... Because obviously you can't force her to go and she may be viewing your request as something impossible to stop once it starts.

I definitely wouldn't spring it on her the day before. When someone plays that surprise card, it triggers resistance from feelings of micromanagement, for me anyway. She may be more willing to cooperate if she feels that there is an agreement between the two of you (she will go twice, won't complain about it too much, and she has some control over the duration).  Plus, since she has been in T before and knows what to expect, it might help her to have some lead time to actually think about what she might want to talk about, rather than showing up unprepared  and wasting an hour of "I don't knows".

[pilgrim]

I told D15 4 days in advance and so far seems OK.  I'll see a different therapist.

Many years ago I brought uBPDxw for couples counseling and after 10 min (and BPD yelling at him) the therapist ended the session, pulled me aside and said "I can't work with her."  Another red flag ignored by me.

Thanks for your feedback, much appreciated.

[Matt]

A couple things I tried that seemed to help... .

I said "counselor", not "therapist", because "counseling" sounds like something that could benefit anybody.

And I made it clear that I am not saying something is "wrong" with the child, or that she has a "problem" that needs to be "fixed".  I said, "You're under a lot of stress because of stuff outside your control - the divorce etc.  I've found counseling to be very helpful and I think it would help you too."

Both my kids were reluctant to go but they didn't fight it.  My daughter embraced it and benefited from it.  My son, not so much.  But I did my best - found the person I thought would help them and gave them that opportunity... .