How to ask her to stop texting another guy daily...

[Depression = 72% of members]

I came to this forum questioning whether a relationship existed. I gave it time and she came to me saying that she wants a relationship. We explored that relationship and things are going great. Well, mostly... .

My biggest gripe however is the fact that she can't stop keeping in contact with a guy that she briefly met last year and had casual sex with before meeting me. I told her that it hurts my feelings and when propositioned with the question of how she would feel if I started texting an old flame while we were in bed together or at the movies, how would she feel (Remarkably, she does feel the need to text him when we're in bed  :'( )

Of course, she said she'd feel horrible and worthless if I mirrored her behaviour. To that, I said, why should I feel any different?

To that she responded that it would be rude to not message him back and I have to accept that.

Just when things were looking great, they take a down turn like this.

If my BPDgf feels the need to maintain daily contact with this guy and will her defend her right to do so, what strategy can I take to maybe ask her to be more focused on "us", rather than the both of us.

[fubsalot]

I came to this forum questioning whether a relationship existed. I gave it time and she came to me saying that she wants a relationship. We explored that relationship and things are going great. Well, mostly... .

My biggest gripe however is the fact that she can't stop keeping in contact with a guy that she briefly met last year and had casual sex with before meeting me. I told her that it hurts my feelings and when propositioned with the question of how she would feel if I started texting an old flame while we were in bed together or at the movies, how would she feel (Remarkably, she does feel the need to text him when we're in bed  :'( )

Of course, she said she'd feel horrible and worthless if I mirrored her behaviour. To that, I said, why should I feel any different?

To that she responded that it would be rude to not message him back and I have to accept that.

Just when things were looking great, they take a down turn like this.

If my BPDgf feels the need to maintain daily contact with this guy and will her defend her right to do so, what strategy can I take to maybe ask her to be more focused on "us", rather than the both of us.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Blimblam]

this is her showing you who she is... .



In my experience if you put too much of a boundry about this she will just continue in secret.

[waverider]

The problem with this is a pwBPD will do what they want and will make any excuse they like, so requesting her to stop will probably make no difference as it will either lead to conflict or drive it underground, depending how important it is to her and her reasons for it.

The only boundary you can put around it is that you will not put up with her doing it in your presence. That way she cannot use it as a powerplay. Dont fight over it, just up and leave if she does it in your presence. Then she gets no reward and may find it inconvenient to herself (her real driving motivator). Her choice to either be with someone or texting with someone.

Fighting about it will lead to drama, which feeds the "I wont be told what to do" motivator. Using "how would you like it if I did it to you" wont work due to low empathy levels. Guilt wont work as she sees it as her thing and it is non of your business, unless as stated above, she uses it as a powerplay tool.

This is ultimately not about the other person, they are just a pawn in the pwBPDs dynamics. They can shut somebody off and move on very quickly if it better suits their needs.

Dont get angry otherwise you become the persecutor, her the victim and so she will need  a rescuer. You are just exercising your choices rather than trying to impose them on her, she can make her own choices.

[fubsalot]

The problem with this is a pwBPD will do what they want and will make any excuse they like, so requesting her to stop will probably make no difference as it will either lead to conflict or drive it underground, depending how important it is to her and her reasons for it.

The only boundary you can put around it is that you will not put up with her doing it in your presence. That way she cannot use it as a powerplay. Dont fight over it, just up and leave if she does it in your presence. Then she gets no reward and may find it inconvenient to herself (her real driving motivator). Her choice to either be with someone or texting with someone.

Fighting about it will lead to drama, which feeds the "I wont be told what to do" motivator. Using "how would you like it if I did it to you" wont work due to low empathy levels. Guilt wont work as she sees it as her thing and it is non of your business, unless as stated above, she uses it as a powerplay tool.

This is ultimately not about the other person, they are just a pawn in the pwBPDs dynamics. They can shut somebody off and move on very quickly if it better suits their needs.

Dont get angry otherwise you become the persecutor, her the victim and so she will need  a rescuer. You are just exercising your choices rather than trying to impose them on her, she can make her own choices.

Really great advice, I'll definitely take this approach when dealing with it. Thanks!