Hi everyone,
!Absurd vent alert!
Please don’t read what I am about to write and think I’m conceited, madly in love with myself and that I believe I am God’s gift to men because I certainly don’t. Lord knows I wouldn’t be on here trying to find some magical cure to mend my dented heart if I did!
But why the heck should
I be the one in the shower this morning having a cry over a stupid, little dweeb who really wasn’t that fantastic even at his best? I’ve been holding up quite well, even my sister said “Wow. You’re dealing with this so much better than I would” (and then she called me a Bad*ss which made me happy haha!) but I’ve had a low couple of days. I’ve had vivid dreams of him for the last few nights which I think has caused it.
I recently thought “Hang on a minute!”. I have an incredible job which I’m very successful at, I’m popular at work, I make decent money, I have fantastic family and friends, I volunteer in my spare time, I don’t look like Quasimodo, I keep in shape, I like to go out, have fun and try new things, I have a pretty wicked sense of humour, I’m fiercely loyal. When the word got round about what had happened with my ex, FIVE guys contacted me asking to go on a date within the first three weeks (including one who had been in Johannesburg for two months on business and messaged me to see if he could see me the first night he got back!) Now, flattered as I was, I gently declined all the offers as I am in no emotional place to be messing around with other people.
So why am I crying over someone whose life was so chaotic and so unstable I knew, despite everything, that it wasn’t what I wanted for my life and deep down I'm grateful that this exit card has been thrown my way?
His finances were beyond diabolical (he never had any money so I would pay for virtually everything), his personal hygiene left much to be desired (even my mom commented on this, the shame!), he would lie about the most pointless things, he was never a huge amount of fun to be around (it would never cross his mind to plan anything or suggest something to do), he was so unbelievably flakey, I took everything he said with a grain of salt, he had virtually no friends, interests or hobbies, a very limited social life (in fact I once spoke to him about it as I felt there was way too much pressure on me as his only source of entertainment), he gave me no emotional support with anything whatsoever, was the most self unaware person I have EVER met (It would make me cringe as he incessantly talked about himself to others, and always BRAGGING! My goodness! Try and be a little but humble please!), the list goes on... .
Even my sister’s boyfriend (a man of very few words who really doesn’t comment much about anything!) said to me “BlondeRunner, he must be out of his mind. I don’t think I have ever seen someone playing so far out of their league before”. My friend said to me “I’m not surprised. Looking at the two of you together... . I always knew he thought you were a bit too good for him”. But I'm not too good for him. I don't consider myself better than anyone else. (I know I have aired a laundry list of his not-so-good qualities above to makes myself feel better but but he has bags and bags of amazing qualities too) It's so frustrating.
Today I realised it has been five weeks since all contact ceased. It was his doing - he suddenly blocked me from all communication and I have not heard a peep since. It has felt like an absolute lifetime. Honestly, if I didn’t know better I’d have said it had been five months! I couldn’t believe it when I looked at my calendar and saw yes, only five weeks, only 35 sleeps. I found this realisation oddly comforting, in the sense that "it's early days" and something might change and the blocks will come down and he'll pull a miracle out of his you-know-what. For the record I know this won't happen and I know I just need to plough on as I have been.
