BPDs thoughts really are disordered

[maxsterling]

The universe that is the BPD mind baffled me again. 

Last night on the way home from a busy evening, my dBPD gf was cursing at traffic.  She then said, "Sorry for cursing.  I curse too much.  You don't like it when I curse, do you?  Well, you don't like when I curse at you at least... . "

!  Umm - is there anyone that likes being cursed at?  Seems like an obvious statement to me.  I didn't really respond directly - I just said that its okay if she curses in a lighthearted manner, but the anger worries me.  I thought my response would set her off, but she changed the subject. 

Earlier in the day, she asked me if I think she does enough for me.  I asked her what she meant, and she replied that she was talking about household chores and cooking and that kind of thing, and she asked if I thought she was a loser.  I replied that she is just depressed and I know she will do more when she feels better.  She kinda made a facial gesture at that, you know the kind where it shows she is pessimistic about ever feeling better. 

The reality is she does nothing around the household, and yes I do wish she did more - but for her own well being and not for me.  And she knows it - so why does she ask the question?  Does she want me to validate her self loathing feelings?  Does she want a reason to hate herself - the reason that she is frustrating me?

And a few nights ago, she apologized for something about a year ago.  She apologized for saying all kinds of things at the beginning of our relationship were "deal breakers".  Yeah, that was really hurtful, but honestly minor in compared to some of the other things she said.  Many of us get caught up in our heads as to whether some behavior was hurtful or not, but some of the things the pwBPD does or says are almost universally accepted as hurtful (cursing, hitting, cheating) it absolutely blows my mind that they have to ask if we were hurt or not.  Is this another example of them needing some kind of validation that they are horrible people?

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[matilda19]

The anger worries me to. Like I can see it building up and almost wait for it to be directed my way. She gets upset at the smallest things and loses it and I always attempt to keep her calm. It is a hard one.

I don't know why they engage in this sort of behaviour. I don't know if they are looking for a fight. I mean a lot of their issues stem from abandonment issues so maybe they are simply worried that their behaviour will frighten us away and want confirmation or validation that we AREN'T going to leave them.

She kinda made a facial gesture at that, you know the kind where it shows she is pessimistic about ever feeling better. 

Tbh, this is the one that always gets me. The other night I approached my BPDgf and explained how we don't always have to be unhappy and that we can choose to be happy and find techniques and methods for being happy and she yelled at me "I will always be like this. We will always be unhappy. Find someone else to fix and some other person as a project." It just baffles me that whilst I understand it is a disorder and can accept it that my idea of us being happier is such an afront to her. It isn't like I want to ruin everything. I just want us both to be happy. You are spot on with your statement regarding disordered thoughts OP.

[maxsterling]

Sometimes I think they are looking for a fight.  A fight, or us being mad or angry at them, is validation of their feelings of being worthless or unlovable.    If we are mad, that gives them something to paint black other than themselves - an external reason for their internal chaos.  I notice how my GF always talks about being "dumped" or "rejected" - completely forgetting that others have the right to end a relationship with her.  If a prospective employer doesn't hire her, it's not because they passed her by in favor of another candidate, in her mind she got "rejected" as a means of validating her self loathing and as a means of blaming someone else.

As for the "happiness" thing - when she is really down tears will flow and she will remark about how she just wants to be happy.  But I think she doesn't even know what happiness is or what it feels like.  Matilda19 - I've had nearly the exact same discussion.  That I want to see her happy.  Not for me, but for her.  She just doesn't get it, and will remark how that is impossible.

[InSearchofMe]

I don't call this 'looking for a fight' so much as I call it 'fishing for a blame receptacle.'  Hang with me a minute and I'll explain.

If I remember correctly from a previous post, your GF was just offered a job at more money than she asked for.  Not getting a job, has been one of her big 'blame receptacles.'  A place that she can dump her bad feelings and use it as justification for how she feels.  That receptacle has just vanished.

But how she feels hasn't changed.  So she is putting out feelers to see where her next blame receptacle is located.  She has to have somewhere to try and dump her feelings because they are so painful.  The next step will be to move to the stage of truly looking for a fight when her feelings once again become unbearable.

Based on your history, my guess is she will work her way back around to the whole 'when are we getting married, let's have a baby' routine.