Going out with friends on own

[FigureIt]

So the school year ends and a bunch of the teachers are getting together to go out for the afternoon and visit some local establishments.  We are to be back at 6ish.  I told my uBPDbf about this today and he states "that's fine... . "  Now while I'm doing this he will be working, so won't be home.

He has problems with this because he thinks since I will be out drinking I am looking to pick up men.  So, I expect when I return home that evening I will be given the silent treatment.  Although, I took my daughter to a local amusement park the other night and he went out drinking till 2:30am and I had no idea where he was.

I'm going no matter what he thinks I'm just trying to not let his behavior/attitude bother me.

[Perdita]

FigureIt, you should absolutely go out and enjoy yourself like any normal human being.  his attitude will bother you though, because I think it takes a while to get to that point where we are at ease with our decisions and reclaiming parts of our lives.  I am about to try and do the same.  Good luck and enjoy yourself.   

[FigureIt]

Thank you Perdita for the support!

It is very irritating that he finds it okay for him to stay out till 2:30 AM without a call or text and yet I'm going to hang with 26 women during the day hours and he has a problem.

[InSearchofMe]

Good for you!  It does feel a little odd when we begin to reclaim bits of ourselves, doesn't it?

When you get home, remember not to JADE.  After having gone out and participated in a normal activity that I know he will react to, I have a weird little suggestion for something I use.  I have found it helpful, while in the car on the way home, to repeat over and over "it must be very painful to feel that way."  That way this phrase is at the forefront of my mind when I return home and it is ready to use when he starts going on about how I was out chasing other men.

[InSearchofMe]

Oh, and one more thing.  Have fun with your teacher colleagues this afternoon!

[Fanie]

What happened when you got home ?

[Perdita]

I also want to know how it went! 

[RJC83]

Hello,

I think that this is one of those areas that takes some of the most courage to do - actually getting out and doing something!  This is something I am still struggling with so I completly understand where you are coming from.  Trying to escape the guilt of wanting to do things for your self is agonising sometimes.  I wish I was as strong as you to just do it despite the consequences of allegations that come your way.  For me at the moment it would cause too many problems than is worth thinking about.  I have missed out on quite a lot of work socials due to the feeliong of having to be there for her!  :)rives me mad at times.

You should feel proud that you were able to make the jump and go through with the evening - I hope it went well for you

[FigureIt]

What happened when you got home ?

I go tomorrow... .   Yesterday I told him to give advanced notice, so it didn't seem as though I was "hiding" anything.

Although last night I got awaken at 2:30am, he was in a mood.  But I have set a boundary that "I need a minimum 6hrs. so I won't have conversations in the middle of the night."   He left me alone, rocked in his chair, and about 1/2hr. later I felt him get into bed.

[tiredndown]

ahhh the double standards, aren't they fun?

My wife goes out with friends any time she wants no questions asked. I love it because I get to spend drama free time with my kids. She took a four day camping trip over fathers day ( best fathers day gift I ever got ) so I got the kids all to myself for the entire long weekend ! ! !

About a month ago I got together with some friends for dinner ... . all hell broke loose. nasty text messages accusing me of drinking at strip clubs. blah, whatever it was one of those rare nights without the kids.

[FigureIt]

I went and had a Great time! I had dropped my dogs at daycare so picked them up at 6 and was home by 6:20. My uBPDbf wasn't home. I texted him if he was at work at got "nope". I then took a nap & texted him again at 8:00pm (cuz he still wasn't home) and he was at car dealer getting his new leased vehicle. He also text back asking where we had gone, so I told him.

When he got home after 9, I went and said hello & gave him a kiss and he brushed me off, claimed I smelled like liquor. (Yes I had drank but I wasn't drunk) I then went up to bed & watched tv. He came up & took his pillow to sleep downstairs, I asked why , his response "no reason."

I went downstairs about 20min later, probably shouldn't of, and asked what his problem was & why he was sleeping downstairs? He told me "you're drunk to sleep it off."  Believe me I was no where near dunk as he is when he comes home after being out which is usually 12am. I just walked away & went to bed. WHATEVER!

Now prior to going out I had texted him that "I loved him" and his response was "Thanks... . I needed to hear that. I have not felt it lately. Love you too."  What? How has he not felt it lately? I say goodby & hug/kiss every morning hello & hug/kiss in the afternoon, asks what he would like for dinner, sit and watch tv with him (while he sleeps)... . Again WHATEVER!

[Perdita]

FigureIt, I think you did GREAT!  So proud of you.  I think he is trying to manipulate you into feeling guilt when there is in fact no reason whatsoever for you to feel this way.  You are entitled to a normal life and did nothing unacceptable at all.  My advice to you would be to carry on as though nothing happened.  He wants you sucking up to him and apologizing.  Try not to do this in any way.  Have a fantastic weekend! 

[Perdita]

A little control thing that is happening to me right now.

He asked me yesterday if I'll be joining him, his sister and brother-in-law for dinner tonight.  He added that they will be in the smokers section.  Now he knows full well that this to me is the same as asking a person with a severe peanut allergy to join him on a tour of a nut factory.  The answer can only be "no". 

Every time they have been in town he has had dinner with them and never invited me along until now.  So I say "no" because the smoke makes me sick for several days after.  Then later in the day my phone rings.  He is not use to me getting calls when we are together. I answer and I know he is listening outside the door.  It was short, but made him realize that I could well have other plans for tonight.  This is followed by me receiving and sending a text message.  Again he is not use to this from me. 

Not 30 minutes later he suddenly says he can "swing it" so we sit in the non-smokers section.  BTW, his sister and her husband don't smoke and he never smokes at dinner.  So the smoke thing is pure manipulation.  A way to exclude me.  Suddenly he wanted to include me after the phone call and text message.  I told him it is fine, he can go tonight and I'll see him Saturday night.  He said he'll call me in the morning to let me know if he was able to "swing it".  1:30 this morning I send him a text saying that he must go and enjoy himself and I'll see him Saturday.

Well, when I woke up there were 2 missed calls and a message from him saying he booked us in the non-smoker section and he'll see me tonight.  I didn't reply, which led to him taking off from work and driving over here!  I didn't open.  He left a message for me to call him.  I texted and he called right back and said he'll see me tonight at the dinner.

Here's how I see it: he didn't want me along for the dinner. History supports this.  This time, however, he wanted me to be the one to say "no" due to the smoke.  That way he looks like the poor guy without his date instead of the one than left me out again.  However, once he realized that I might be going out with someone else, a guy, he suddenly changed his tune. 

He was trying to control and manipulate me again, but I feel that this time I turned the tables on him.  It's a tricky "game" though when it comes to gaining some control of a situation with a BP.  Personally I have realized that being passive is no longer the way to go.  I knew he would react if he heard me on the phone and sure enough he did. 

[mitchell16]

FigureIt, Enjoy. Yes its a double standard it seems it right out of the BPD play book. I guess this is consistent betwen BPD from what Ive read and experienced. MIne pulled this all the time. If she went out with freinds and got drunk, perfectly ok. I go visit my friends and we are chasing women.  when we have been split up if I date I was cheater, if she did it it was becasue they were just new male friends. I was accused of lying which I never did, when she was a proven liar it was because she couldnt tell me the truth. If I worked overtime all I did was work if I didnt work over time I was a loser who didnt want to get ahead. If I worked on my own house I must not have intentions of staying with her, If I dindt make repairs I was lazy. so in other words you will be wrong no mater what you do. So go enjoy yourself.

Even after the all this time. I still find this a very hard to understand disorder. it will drive you crazy.

[waverider]

This is good that you are maintaining your own space. keep in mind the following:

~Try not to get yourself primed for a fall out.

~Dont attempt to test his reaction. eg dont go asking him what is problem is if he sulks.

~Dont get sucked into JADE by over justifying it.

~Try to avoid a tit for tat contest, saying things like "one rule for you and one for me?' etc

~Stay consistent, so that his reaction has no influence, don't up the anti, nor compromise.

I went though this for a long time, consequences included wrist slitting, hate messages scrawled all over the place, including in blood on the mirrors. Smashing things.

This has now all gone and I probably have more freedom to go and do whatever, with blessing, than a regular relationship.

Consistency and not over reacting to their consequences is the key

[Perdita]

so in other words you will be wrong no mater what you do. So go enjoy yourself.

Exactly.  You can never really win no matter what. 

Even after the all this time. I still find this a very hard to understand disorder. it will drive you crazy.

Same here.  Feels like I'm losing my mind more and more with each passing day. 

I find their abandonment issues most confusing.  The way that plays out in a relationship.  My BPbf actually gets a lot of alone time from me and I always know that it is best to be understanding of that.  Yet on those rare occassions that I actually say "no" to him and want to go and do something without him or simply be alone, then he really starts thinking of ways to make me change my mind and spend the time with him instead.

Last night we went to a family (his) function together. On the way over there I made a joke saying that if a certain something happens I will not be in the mood for sex for years.  He knew I was just joking, but his reply really upset me. ":)oesn't affect me.  I'm not that hard up".  He was not joking.  At the function I yet again I had to suffer the humiliation of being introduced by him as "my friend".  Someone actually said "So this is your girl" and he said "my friend".  We are in a relationship in every way.  I'm not bloody delusional about that. (Doesn't help that his slut ex-housemate gets introduced only by name, never "my friend"  Some members of his family even noticed that I was feeling a bit off last night.  One tries to put on a brave face, but it's not that easy. 

During the night I was getting a sending text messages to an old guy friend.  After being introduced again as "my friend", I just didn't care.  My emotional defenses came up. Then suddenly during the course of the evening he (bf) said that he is going to take me away in the near future on a surprise weekend get-away and will give me an hour notice.  I also noticed him leaning in and trying to see who is texting me.  I turned my phone away. 

This morning I get a message from him saying we must go jogging together later in the day.  I replied that he must enjoy his day with his buddy and I'll see him some time during next week.  He called an hour later, but I deliberately left my phone on silent.  This was followed by a text message with some other lame reason for me to see him later in the day.  I didn't reply. 

One gets so tired of this rollercoaster.  Don't know how much longer I can handle the constant mix messages.  Only the night before he was starting to show some affection again.  Then BOOM next evening he is "not that hard up".

There's a quote from Jerry Maquire that keeps popping up in my head lately which describes it so well for me: I'm out here for you.  You don't know what it's like to be me out here for you. It is an up-at-dawn pride-swallowing seige that I will never fully tell you about.

Should probably make that my quote on here.

[FigureIt]

My independence sure triggered my uBPDbf. On Friday he played golf so i went out to dinner with my parents and then stopped to have a drink with him.  He went from donating money for a charity event I was doing the next morning to saying he was gonna see some other women out at the next bar he was going to... .all within an hour. I went home at 9am cuz needed a goodnight sleep b4 my event. He txtd me @11:40pm, I didn't respond. He came in at 1:30am woke me complaining I should've been there, he needed to find someone who supports him, he was going to go call his ex, & he wouldn't be home when I return from my event cuz he'd be going to see the ex. I just mumbled okay & went back to sleep.

I left at 7am & returned at 2pm... .he was still here.

I didn't say a word about how he behaved. We went out around 6pm for dinner, he tried claiming he had talked to the ex and told her to leave him alone... .a lie.  He also tried saying she was at the bar we were at, which is 2hrs from her home... another lie. So we left,his choice and went somewhere else where some friends met us. Things were fine until send of the night when he tried telling me "I don't make him secure... .Etc" when we got home he was gonna sleep downstairs but then came up wanting to talk. I said goodnight we will talk in morning. He wouldn't leave me alone, poking me, shining light in my face, etc. I told him I was gonna call the cops, he capered his cop friend who seemed to talk some sense into him cuz he went to sleep. Next morning he asks me "what did you want to talk about" I sort of unloaded on him... .nicely but I said I can't fix you being secure, I think you have a drinking problem, and the way he behaved was unacceptable. It worked for now we'll see what happens the next time we go out!

[Love Is Not Enough]

Wow, nerves of steel. Good job. I hope I can handle the blow back from my next outing as well as you did 

[Perdita]

FigureIt, good job staying calm and thinking with your head while dealing with all that confusion from him.  Boy, it sure is a roller coaster ride.