Help She's on my case again

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I'm 2,5 months out of my relationship with my ex. I cut away completely, with only one mini-recycle, blocking her on all fronts apart from my email which I can't figure out how to do. (Mail on Mac). I have even moved cities twice 

I have been largely NC but she has contacted me a few times re a cellular phone contract that was transferred into my name. I sorted it out but she contacts me every week or so about some silly admin thing or other to do with this contract. i spoke to the provider, they assured me it's in my name and I am fully liable. i told her that clearly with no gaps for her to enter. I'm certain it's an excuse for her to lure me into dialog.

Last week she told me that she'll be in my home town and would like to meet. I ignored this request.

Today I get this :

" look ... . a lot of sad stuff happened between us. Let's not finish it like that. I'll be in ... . on the 11th so perhaps we could meet after 3pm for a coffee and catch up. Id like that"

In principle this sounds like a reasonable request with the possibility of peace and closure but I don't trust her at all. For me she is decidedly untrustworthy!

I have left my home town to work abroad for at least 6 months so I won't be there anyway.

I'm torn between totally ignoring this or telling her I'm not there and to leave me alone.

To be honest, my main fear with either of these options is that she'll over react and abuse me again with her words by email. I'm still fearful of her terrible anger, her words cut me to my core and broke my spirit and I am trying to avoid any risk of one of her sickening rants.

I have decided to reach out here for guidance and also sleep on it for now before doing anything.


ps. if anyone knows how to block a sender on Mail 7.3 for Mac please let me know. I cannot change this address as my entire work network uses this to contact me.

 

[Lion Fire]

I'm 2,5 months out of my relationship with my ex. I cut away completely, with only one mini-recycle, blocking her on all fronts apart from my email which I can't figure out how to do. (Mail on Mac). I have even moved cities twice 

I have been largely NC but she has contacted me a few times re a cellular phone contract that was transferred into my name. I sorted it out but she contacts me every week or so about some silly admin thing or other to do with this contract. i spoke to the provider, they assured me it's in my name and I am fully liable. i told her that clearly with no gaps for her to enter. I'm certain it's an excuse for her to lure me into dialog.

Last week she told me that she'll be in my home town and would like to meet. I ignored this request.

Today I get this :

" look ... . a lot of sad stuff happened between us. Let's not finish it like that. I'll be in ... . on the 11th so perhaps we could meet after 3pm for a coffee and catch up. Id like that"

In principle this sounds like a reasonable request with the possibility of peace and closure but I don't trust her at all. For me she is decidedly untrustworthy!

I have left my home town to work abroad for at least 6 months so I won't be there anyway.

I'm torn between totally ignoring this or telling her I'm not there and to leave me alone.

To be honest, my main fear with either of these options is that she'll over react and abuse me again with her words by email. I'm still fearful of her terrible anger, her words cut me to my core and broke my spirit and I am trying to avoid any risk of one of her sickening rants.

I have decided to reach out here for guidance and also sleep on it for now before doing anything.


ps. if anyone knows how to block a sender on Mail 7.3 for Mac please let me know. I cannot change this address as my entire work network uses this to contact me.

 

[brokenbutalive]

Feel for you mate. It's a horrible situation. My opinion is ignore at all costs. I know it's difficult and yeah you might get more abuse but it's a hell of a lot better than the alternative of actual contact again, which is what it will be if you reply, regardless of the fact you're out of town and can't meet her. Ignore!

[BorisAcusio]

I have decided to reach out here for guidance and also sleep on it for now before doing anything.

I was contacted regularly by my BPDex until I decided to ignore her messages. Taking out the reward from the equation will make them lose interest.

[enlighten me]

Hi Lion fire

I completely understand the petty requests. Ive not been N/C with mine as we have a child together and its only been 1 month since I moved out and a week or so since I realised she had BPD.

It has been just over a week of N/C and I said yesterday that I expected her to contact me as she would be on a major down post a music festival. She has this major down about a week after the festival. I also knew she would be feeling low as all her FB posts weren't getting any likes as people were getting on with their lives.

So a couple of hours after discussing it with a college I get a message about the brakes on her car. I had promised before we split up that I would get them sorted so even though we have split up I will get it sorted. She then said about my son. I thanked her for informing me about my son. Asked her to give him a kiss from me and tell him I loved him. I then said when she finds out the cost let me know and I would transfer the money and left it at that.

I know that until the breaks are done then they will be her way in.

A couple of weeks ago I would have tried to engage her in conversation but now Im not interested so her contact doesn't bother me.

[Infared]

" I'm still fearful of her terrible anger, her words cut me to my core and broke my spirit and I am trying to avoid any risk of one of her sickening rants."

Hate to be a hard ass... . but if when you really get serious about the statement above, you will cancel the phone contract and pay whatever penalties that incurs and you will change your email address. Right now, you still "choose" to be involved with this person, so you will continue to suffer the consequences. It's just the truth. Hard to swallow.

Going total NC is really scary. The scariest part is that it shows YOU that you are serious about getting healthy and moving on. Really tough stuff.

Sorry, I suffered so much pain by interacting with mine after... . I know how hard it is to get serious... . but it is the only way to take care of you. No candy coating.

What I see is a person who still wants to be connected.  I was that person, so I know.

[Lion Fire]

Thanks for all the replies.

I have found a way to block her emails. That resolves the situation. She cannot contact me on viber, my phone #, whatsapp, FB or skype. That closes the loop now.

True words Infrared, although I want some kind and peace and closure, I know that any interaction with her always derails my healing process. I'll have to find that peace and closure within myself.

Onwards

[Infared]

Thanks for all the replies.

I have found a way to block her emails. That resolves the situation. She cannot contact me on viber, my phone #, whatsapp, FB or skype. That closes the loop now.

True words Infrared, although I want some kind and peace and closure, I know that any interaction with her always derails my healing process. I'll have to find that peace and closure within myself.

Onwards

The truth seems to be against "our" grain. i.e. (Well most of us, not all). "We", who connect on such a deep level with BPD's are made up in a way that we try to find comfort and happiness outside of ourselves... . in many ways. We REALLY get locked-in to their mirroring. Apparently BPD's can pick us out from across a room (and us them). I have found it to be very difficult work finding happiness within... . awareness of the problem (me! LOL), helps.

[withoutapaddle]

Apparently BPD's can pick us out from across a room (and us them). I have found it to be very difficult work finding happiness within... . awareness of the problem (me! LOL), helps.

Is this true? If so its pretty scary! Where is there more that I can read about this?

[Mutt]

Apparently BPD's can pick us out from across a room (and us them). I have found it to be very difficult work finding happiness within... . awareness of the problem (me! LOL), helps.

Is this true? If so its pretty scary! Where is there more that I can read about this?

My lack of boundaries is the reason I became enmeshed with the disordered person in my life.

Borderline personality disorder is a distorted belief system where an internalized "punitive parent" loops on an inner tape in the mind of the Borderline. It is a hidden tape until it is triggered. This punitive parent is cruel and admonishing and causes him allot of internal shame which then gets displaced upon you.

Much of the coping mechanisms he has for this cruelty involve the constant search for an idealized partner, one who will "complete him" yet will not trigger the "punitive parent." Because this is fantasy thinking, reality testing always causes problems. Relationships become anxiety ridden with blame for the reasons that a person with BPD cannot self soothe the defectiveness they feel and the partner (that's you- the formerly idealized and perfect love) is now the stand-in for the internalized parent that the angry child blames. In other words, you will be blamed for just about everything that is wrong, because BPD is about shame and defectiveness, mistrust and blame for the failure to become separate and whole without another human being to attach to.

Unfortunately, the human beings that get involved with people with BPD are hurt by blame. They try harder to please, understand and fix the disorder, not realizing that this creates more "punitiveness" in the mind of the Borderline.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=225385.msg12432645#msg12432645

Onward and upwards Lion Fire. Good idea blocking her FOG.

[Overbeck]

Ignore! Ignore! Ignore!

[MommaBear]

Ignore! Ignore! Ignore!

I second that, IGNORE!

You don't owe her an explanation. And a "reasonable" request, as anyone here will tell you, is just the lock on Pandora's box. Don't be fooled.

Someone else on one of the other threads made a suggestion. They said to have a peek at the posts on the "trying to work it out" board. They cited examples like, "I'm optimistic this time with my relationship with my BPD spouse, she only tried to commit suicide twice this year!" or "While he only cheated a few times, it's a big improvement and I have a good feeling about things!" and so on. Really puts things in perspective.