Hi, Friend
I am pretty new here myself and don't know all the ins and outs, but I am moved by your obvious agony. I am so sorry this happened to you. We have all been there and know where you're coming from. I'm sure there are many here and on the significant others board who will have good advice for you. And please read up on all the material on the site about BPD. Knowledge is power, especially when dealing with this disease.
A couple of the most important things I've learned in the three months I've been on this site is that with the pwBPD, their feelings=truth. Also that probably your intuition is right and that if you contact her, you may very well find she has lined up your replacement, and therefore, you may very well be on the receiving end of more abuse should you contact her.
I think the hardest part is the closure you mention. It's very hard for us nons to understand just how differently pwBPD experience life and love. It's very hard to deal with the pain from the way many pwBPDs bend the truth into a pretzel and use their version as a weapon. When I first joined, a wise man here told me that I probably would not receive any closure from my uBPDsis; that probably the only closure I would ever get was the closure I gift myself. I have found that to be extremely true and wise advice.
The agony and confusion will pass; it really helps to read others' stories -- then you get to understand the extent of this disease and the damage it causes to the innocent ones around the pwBPD. And as I said, please avail yourself of the videos and other information sources on the site. It blows my mind to see how prevalent this disease is and how many of us are hurt by it.
You said you feel like you're suffering from an addiction here. Perhaps it would be best to view this pwBPD as an addictive substance and stay away? But that's a decision only you can make.
One of my best mentors used to tell me, "This is not a dress rehearsal, this is life". Friend, I just feel led to tell you: You deserve so much better. We all do. Please keep posting. It helps.
