14 divorce threats later, she's being nice

[Moselle]

After 6 months of separation, and acrimonius public humiliation on the back of half truths and lies, my uBPDw has finally started to co-operate and says she's here for me to "chat any time I want to".

This is after 6 months of refusing to speak, raging, and screaming at me.

The result of all her bad mouthing is catastrophic for me. Fraud, lies, manipulation etc

I am very nervous of her intentions, but I am just enjoying the pause in the mayhem. I think she realised that she'll have to get a job if she gets divorced. We had a discussion (fight) last week about her contribution being zero financially. I said she needs to get a job, she said "No", she is building a business, which unfortunately is a money drain not a money generator.

For the first time I actually get her game. During 14 years of marriage, I would have been back on the treadmill trying to please her, but thanks to this site, I have 6 months of enlightenment.

I'm still learning about my co-dependent role and how to overcome that. I recognise that I can never trust her, ever again. There will always be a barrier after what she has done.

I recognised my role in the conflict and apologised and asked for forgiveness, which may the cause of her sudden amicable nature.

I have been consistent throughout the separation, saying I want to be friends and see what happens thereafter. I'm desperate to maintain a working relationship for the children's sake, at least. I thought she would rage at me forever, and this new "nice pill" she's taken caught me completely off guard. I'm not naïve enough to believe she's suddenly decided to be friends for the benefit of either me or the children.

This is more a download than a question, but anyone out there had the sudden switch from medusa to kind friend after 14 lies that she has filed for divorce. I just count them now. LOL

I've ordered the book called "Splitting, how to protect yourself during a split from NPD or BPD spouse", though its getting a bit late. There have been lawyers on both sides, but she isn't talking to hers for the time being (so her lawyer tells me, who is apparently just as frustrated as me). I do know the lawyer asked her to justify the wild maintenance budget she put forward, with specifics. Perhaps that's why she got fired. Too many questions about money. It should just be given on request.

[Zon]

My UBPD/NPDw is not extreme, for the most part.  She may be more NPD than BPD which controls the extremes.  I have not gotten any divorce threats via lawyer.  I have gotten questioned if I want a divorce or suggestions that divorce may be in the cards.  The latest was putting her rings into my hand for me to hold onto because she was so upset over something very minor.  Next day, she is nicer and wants them back.

I think it is due to the change in my codependency.  She compliments me for doing more around the house.  However, she becomes more concerned about the relationship if I seem more likely to be able to function independently.  Out of that concern, she gets testy over minor things where I believe she is trying to regain control over me.  When that fails, she gets sweet and nice again.

Like you, I have trouble trusting her.  I cannot figure out her angle.  Now, that I have improved somewhat, I can see that the angle changes a lot.

I loved how she got upset with me for not being able to open up fast enough from MC.  She drove me nuts, and I am supposed to heal on a schedule?

Mine also will not get a job due to a few excuses.  They are excuses since I can and have explicitly said that I will help, my mother can help (except she is classified as "evil" and we can hire someone to do the standard cleaning if we needed.  The "reasons":

• Being needed to chauffeur children.



• Dreams of starting a business.  Two non-attempts so far.



• Dreams of getting additional education on top of her degree.



• Having been out of the workplace for such a long time.



• House cleaning.

[schwing]

@Moselle

I am very nervous of her intentions, but I am just enjoying the pause in the mayhem. I think she realised that she'll have to get a job if she gets divorced. We had a discussion (fight) last week about her contribution being zero financially. I said she needs to get a job, she said "No", she is building a business, which unfortunately is a money drain not a money generator.

Don't assume that the change in her behavior is a deliberate one.  Perhaps she has more motivation to be nice to you.  But I would argue that her behavior is dictated more by her disorder than anything else.  Before, she raged at you because that's what she needed to do at the time (because of her disorder).  Now, she not raging at you, perhaps because she has someone else (besides you) to devalue.  But there's a good chance that when she needs to rage again and you are an available target, she'll do it to you.

I have been consistent throughout the separation, saying I want to be friends and see what happens thereafter. I'm desperate to maintain a working relationship for the children's sake, at least. I thought she would rage at me forever, and this new "nice pill" she's taken caught me completely off guard. I'm not naïve enough to believe she's suddenly decided to be friends for the benefit of either me or the children.

I think when you need to maintain a functioning relationship with a person with BPD (pwBPD), emotional distance and formality are your best allies.  Having chaperones present can also be a stabilizing factor -- or at least then you will have witnesses to their bad behavior (which they will later deny).

This is more a download than a question, but anyone out there had the sudden switch from medusa to kind friend after 14 lies that she has filed for divorce. I just count them now. LOL 

One of the criteria for diagnosis borderline personality disorder is "Unstable, intense personal relationships, sometimes alternating between “all good,” idealization, and “all bad,” devaluation."  Medusa = devaluation, kind friend = idealization.

best wishes,

Schwing