Choosing your battles..tough decision D14 Europe trip.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Split from a 15 relationship from uBPDw 6 months ago. Before the split, my D14 was arranging a school trip to Europe with a cost of around $2500 more or less. The deal was is that she would work and save and help pay for her trip. Well not only did she not save, she spent any money she had on movies, dinners with friends and anything she could. D14 attitude has been less then civil. And I read they can learn not to have apathy etc from a BPD parent... and unfortunately it shows... laughing at other people getting hurt or in pain.

Any way, as a parent, I dont want her to go this year. Her maturity level and the ease of which shes influenced is a huge red flag. Plus she didnt save any money and is expecting the trip to be fully funded by family, including my side of the family, which was not part of the deal. Theres a chance she wont be able to go without some $ from my side of the family. She could go another year, but I and my family feel shes too immature and irresponsible to go this year. I imagine not helping to fund the trip will cause a backlash from uBPDw family, as they give my D14 anything she wants, but thats just not how I was raised, nor how I want my children raised. For the life of me I dont feel its right to fund her trip and let her go this year. So Im against what I know is right as a parent vs. the backlash from the uBPDw family. Its not the money, its the attitude and lessons I feel my daughters learning. Anybody experience something similar? I dont want her raised thinking shes entitled to anything she wants not matter what she does and how she treats people.

[bengain]

Split from a 15 relationship from uBPDw 6 months ago. Before the split, my D14 was arranging a school trip to Europe with a cost of around $2500 more or less. The deal was is that she would work and save and help pay for her trip. Well not only did she not save, she spent any money she had on movies, dinners with friends and anything she could. D14 attitude has been less then civil. And I read they can learn not to have apathy etc from a BPD parent... and unfortunately it shows... laughing at other people getting hurt or in pain.

Any way, as a parent, I dont want her to go this year. Her maturity level and the ease of which shes influenced is a huge red flag. Plus she didnt save any money and is expecting the trip to be fully funded by family, including my side of the family, which was not part of the deal. Theres a chance she wont be able to go without some $ from my side of the family. She could go another year, but I and my family feel shes too immature and irresponsible to go this year. I imagine not helping to fund the trip will cause a backlash from uBPDw family, as they give my D14 anything she wants, but thats just not how I was raised, nor how I want my children raised. For the life of me I dont feel its right to fund her trip and let her go this year. So Im against what I know is right as a parent vs. the backlash from the uBPDw family. Its not the money, its the attitude and lessons I feel my daughters learning. Anybody experience something similar? I dont want her raised thinking shes entitled to anything she wants not matter what she does and how she treats people.

[Matt]

Interesting... . I'm going through something very similar with my S16 regarding a car... .

Two issues:  the money and her maturity.

On the money side, you could say, "I don't think it's wise for you to go this year, because you have not shown the maturity I think is needed, so I'm not going to contribute.  But if your mom and her family pay for it, I won't stand in your way."

That's a little risky, because it sounds hypocritical.  If you don't think she's mature enough to go, then why are you saying it's OK if somebody else pays for it?  Could sound to her like an excuse not to pay your share.

So maybe the focus should be on the maturity part:  "I don't believe you are ready to be overseas without your parents this year.  I have talked to your mom and told her I'm open to it next year if you show more maturity - how you handle money, how you deal with others, schoolwork, etc.  Let's talk about it again next spring."

To take that approach, I think you need to make it clear to her mom that you will block her going even if Mom's family pays for it.  In most states, I think you can do that, but it might be good to consult an attorney just in case Mom wants to fight over it.

How is your relationship with your daughter generally?  Does she respect you enough so you can have this conversation and it will be positive?

(My conversation with S16 last night was difficult - he was argumentative and almost cried.  But I think he is accepting my decision - no car this year - and in time it will strengthen our relationship and help him grow.)

[bengain]

Two issues:  the money and her maturity.

On the money side, you could say, "I don't think it's wise for you to go this year, because you have not shown the maturity I think is needed, so I'm not going to contribute.  But if your mom and her family pay for it, I won't stand in your way."

That's a little risky, because it sounds hypocritical.  If you don't think she's mature enough to go, then why are you saying it's OK if somebody else pays for it?  Could sound to her like an excuse not to pay your share.

So maybe the focus should be on the maturity part:  "I don't believe you are ready to be overseas without your parents this year.  I have talked to your mom and told her I'm open to it next year if you show more maturity - how you handle money, how you deal with others, schoolwork, etc.  Let's talk about it again next spring."

To take that approach, I think you need to make it clear to her mom that you will block her going even if Mom's family pays for it.  In most states, I think you can do that, but it might be good to consult an attorney just in case Mom wants to fight over it.

Unfortunately I signed the passport form months ago. Not sure If I can unring that bell. I did so as a gesture of trust and faith on D14 part. But lately so many red flags about her behavior so its a NO from me. She really hasnt done her part, or anything to make this happen. Just talk about how she needs money or about the trip... completely side stepping her attitude and unwillingness to save for it

How is your relationship with your daughter generally?  Does she respect you enough so you can have this conversation and it will be positive?

Its on and off. When shed rather be with her friends or eles where, I definitely hear it. No and thats part of the problem. Shes too entitled. Not that I dont want her to have things... but shes argumentative about just about anything. She uses fighing with her mom in the past against me, completely absolving her mom from any behavior she has or had. to

I presume its gonna turn into a real battle, but If I dont do something I feel like Im failing as a parent. Her heads just not there yet. I mean the depth of seriousness of travelling overseas... she has no real knowledge of the world, of her responsibilities when it comes to international travel etc. I really dont want to start a war, but I dont know what else to do. She just hasnt earned it in my eyes, yet.

[Matt]

Who currently holds her passport?

Here's how I would try to communicate it with her:

"I've decided that you're not really ready for this trip.  I don't mean packing up your stuff or figuring out the travel part.  I mean being away from home, in foreign countries, and making good decisions so you will be safe all the time.  I wouldn't have even considered it last year, and this year I thought it might be OK, but I decided it's not.  But if you keep growing I think it might be a good idea for next year.

"So let's start planning for that.  Why don't you take French this coming school year, and let's spend some time together researching places you could go.  And I'd like to get to know the other kids and their parents a little better.  Then next spring, if everything is going well, we can make a decision about a trip next summer."

How she reacts to that will tell you a lot.  If she throws a fit, you'll know you made the right call.  If she takes it in stride, and says she understands, and focuses on planning for next summer's trip - saving money for one thing - then you'll know you made the right decision.

But... . if you don't have control of her passport, and you find out there's no other legalistic way to block it, you may need to confront your daughter and/or her mom.  It's possible she'll make the trip without your approval.  But even in that case, you'll still know you did the right thing.