How prevalent is cheating?

[waverider]

For me its that its hitting home. I adored this woman, kissed her butt and did all I could for the marriage to work and she finds it so easy to just walk away and file for a divorce.

pwBPD only consider and hold onto what they want and suits the moment. All else can be swept away if it doesn't fit with how they feel in the now.

Giving to a pwBPD is not an investment it needs to be disposable. You have to make sure you give because you want to, not expecting a return. If you fall out of favour then there will be no gratitude, nor restraint from denying your efforts

[Perdita]

Last year (15yrs together) he up and left, telling me he found a roommate (we had communications about seperating in the previous few weeks before he left).  I discovered this "roommate" was actually his girlfriend.  I found out via Facebook, she had put up a pic on his wall calling him "the best boyfriend ever".  So humiliating.  Two months later he was begging me for a second chance and stupidly I gave it to him.

when they try to make things look all innocent, meanwhile ... .

My ex still claims that his affair was my fault.  I wasn't "loving and spontaneous" enough.  How I was supposed to be spontaneous without help was beyond me and opened my eyes that I'd never be good enough in his eyes.

WOW RefuseToSeccumb!    Not spontaneous and loving enough?  This is exactly what my BPbf accused his ex of (his one and only relationship before me).  Exactly.  Not loving and spontaneous enough.  He made her feel real bad about it too.  He told her she needed to be more like his (now) ex-housemate!  What an insult to any decent women to be told to be like that trashy woman. 

Here's what I have come to realize about him.  No matter how much I do for him, he can't appreciate me, because he is not living in the present.  He is stuck in the past, idealizing his ex even though he didn't appreciate her when he had her and made her feel awful.  4 years on he still can't accept that she has moved on and is married. 

On the other side, he is living in the future.  This involves his fantasies about his slutty ex-housemate.  He knows in his heart that he couldn't put up with her if he got her to settle down with him, but still he lives in lalaland. 

Then there is me stuck in no man's land while his head is in the past and the future.  I have come to believe that he, and probably all BP, can't appreciate you while they've got you.  It's only when you are gone and they eventually get to that place where they realize what they threw away, that they suddenly want you more than anything.  Can we ever "win"?  Is it even worth it for me to share my theory with my BPbf?

[Perdita]

Trust your gut... .if something seems wrong find out the facts. Keyloggers are a wonderful invention. Be prepared when you learn the truth.

I share your point of view.  Much better to know the truth even if it is hurtful.  At least you are not caught completely by surprise and it allows you a bit of extra time to process what information you've uncovered. 

Digging has taught me so much about my BPbf.  Most importantly I now know that the problem is with him.  His ex told him she couldn't handle the constant roller coaster ride any longer.  He told her that it will always be a roller coaster ride with him, but she must realize that at least the "cart" will always be there for her.    The way I see it, he was telling her that he won't change or even try to change.  She must just stay on board for the ride and be grateful she has a cart to ride in.

[enlighten me]

If your in a relationship then ignorance may be bliss.

On the other hand if your getting out of a relationship you don't want any surprises popping up and knocking back the healing process. Trust me on this as my uBPDexw knocked me back several times whereas finding out my exgf cheated hasn't had anywhere near the same effect as I was ready for it.