How do I know that I'm not the problem ?

[Artisan]

Going through the healing process and having moved out and away has left me with one thing ; a lot of time to look at myself.

And I am not happy with what I see.

How do I know I'm not borderline ?

I used to smoke herb everyday, for 12 years. I've had several long-term relationships, yet they have all ended ... . and according to my judeo-christian upbringing that is very unstable. I have mood swings, though most noticeable when in stressful environments and around crazy making people.

Yet, when I look at my past ; there are a few times I lost my cool, yelled, had tantrums, put people down, and have been a real as*hat.

To address my own issues, I have been sober. I go to nature. As a musician, I am able to meet a lot of people and network.

I've not jumped into any new relationship. And in my past, only a three one night stands (why didn't I learn with the first one) ; and I've never started a new relationship when the old one ended ... . usually waiting 6 months to a year. Right now, I am at nine months ... . and have zero interest in being involved with anybody.

And now, I go through moodswings where I feel pretty darn good and then feel worse than crap. Makes me wonder if I am bipolar ... .

Tones, people, phrases ... . they can trigger me at a moments notice. The other day I was turned down for a job and started raging ... . at trees. But not before stressing my parents out when they heard me yelling and could make my escape from the house.

I feel like a looney toon.

And I broke NC ; and she is so even in her responses to me. It really messes with my head, because I know she wasn't that calm when talking with me in person. She makes it sound as if she did all these things for me and that I was the problem. She tells me that I had all this anger and issues when I came to her, and she loved me and helped me heal and that she did nothing.

I have to remind myself that I wasn't accusing her, I wasn't insulting her parents ... .

I HAVE TO REMIND MYSELF THAT SHE DID SAY AND DO THE THINGS I REMEMBER ... . the spin on her stories, the gaslighting and denials ... . they mess with me.

However, I did leave her many times out of the blue. And then went back to try again, and would leave after yet another night of fighting until 5am and sleep deprivation ... . I consider myself a loyal and committed person ... . how could that be true if I am leaving so often?

Some days I just want to give up.

And I see other people who go through things far more intense, painful and destructive than anything I've experienced and resent myself for not being stronger, not being 'man enough' (according to my ex) to just live and move forward.

[enlighten me]

I think we have all probably had this thought.

Was it me starting the arguments and not her. Was her version of events the real one etc etc.

I then look back and think it wasn't me starting this argument or that one. Its not me that jumps from one relationship to another. Its not me that made the house a mess. Its not me that never said sorry.

The million and one things that I was blamed for that I never did and wouldn't do as it was out of character. Before my ex I had a nice little flat. Everything was in its place. All my clothes were ironed and hung up. I had savings. If I didn't have the money for something I would go without.

So constantly being blamed for leaving the house a mess, not putting my clothes away, being bad with money doesn't ring true.

That's the genius of a BPD is they are very convincing and you have to constantly remind yourself that you didn't do it.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Artisan, Agree w/enlighten me.  Those w/BPD can be quite convincing.  They are excellent at shifting the blame and projecting their pain on others.  Don't fall for it (I did, many times).  Suggest you start putting yourself first.  Do the work you need to do for YOU.

Hang in there, LuckyJim

[Time4me]

You asked the question, How do I know I am not the borderline?  I asked this same question multiple times to two different therapists.  It really bothered me.  I was in a 27 year marriage to a dBPD and figured I must have it also to have stayed this long.  They told me that if I am asking the question," Am I a borderline?" Then I am not.  Borderlines to not ask that question.  They can not see that in them selves... I am just co-dependent.

[goldylamont]

You asked the question, How do I know I am not the borderline?  I asked this same question multiple times to two different therapists.  It really bothered me.  I was in a 27 year marriage to a dBPD and figured I must have it also to have stayed this long.  They told me that if I am asking the question," Am I a borderline?" Then I am not.  Borderlines to not ask that question.  They can not see that in them selves... I am just co-dependent.

well, you can read forums for pwBPD and they definitely know they are borderline and accept it. and there are people there who think and feel that they may be BPD but are unsure and possibly awaiting a diagnosis. i think a large portion of people simply don't care to be aware though, so i can see where your T are coming from. my ex for example, she's seen therapists but she never told me about any personality disorder issues, maybe she just held this back. in any case though she never would take any responsibility for her issues, blame game all the way. so i believe what you and your T are saying is that if you aren't going around blaming everyone else for your own issues; if you are questioning yourself, then most likely you aren't borderline. this can make sense but we should keep in mind that there are many self-aware pwBPD also. to me i realize i'm not borderline because i stopped acting/feeling crazy once i left mine. these feelings were only present when i was in an abusive r/s.

[Blimblam]

artisan,

I thought I might be borderline too or crazy.  The thing is I didn't feel crazy before my ex.  SHe sure did drive me crazy, to the breaking point and beyond.  Think reak from game of thrones.  There is a breaking point within you and what ever you do for the love of god detach before she takes you there.  THe fact you put up with her crap points to probably having neurotic tendencies stemming from childhood trauma and is worth investigating. 

[Artisan]

Another message from her how she didn't say anything, that I am making things up, and that how I see everything is wrong.

NO CONTACT IS ESSENTIAL PEOPLE!

MAINTAINING IT IS EVEN MORE IMPORTANT!

The mind-screw is hurtful.

[Artisan]

Reek from game of thrones ... . yikes, what an analogy.

I think that is a pretty vivid picture of what happens emotionally when dealing with a BPD.

Everything is questioned, every door out is suspect, you don't know what to believe or when the next shoe is going to drop from NO where.

Except its the soul that a BPD flays, not the body.

[Tausk]

Is the question:  How do I know I'm not a pwBPD?  or How do I know I'm not the problem?

I asked my T if I was a pwBPD, and he laughed at me.  I have guilt and try to make amends.  I have a sense of self, albeit sometimes a false self, but deep down a sense of self.  I have the capacity for empathy.  I don't dissociate and act in a manner such that I am not responsible for the consequences and how my actions might hurt people.  At times I can think in terms of gray.  I can learn and grow and change.

So I'm not really a pwBPD.  

But am I the problem?  Absolutely.  My FOO issues invited my exwBPD into my life.  My arrogance thought I could fix it.  My stubbornness kept me in it.  My OCD won't let me let go.  My anger management issues, caused my ex to feel unsafe.  My lack of self esteem hurt both me and my ex.  And just the fact that I questioned whether i was a pwBPD is indicative of how little self awareness I really had and basically how messed up I really was.

So,  in the end because I can grow and learn and recover, and my ex can not, my issues and problems hurt my ex more than her actions ultimately hurt me.  

And the fact of the matter is that none of my pain and suffering is due to my ex.  My happiness and attitude are entirely within my own sphere of influence.  So I have to stop looking externally at my ex for relief of my pain and instead look where the only solutions lie, which is internally at my FOO issues.    

So... . YES.  I am the problem.  

[antjs]

read about introjection. do not underestimate the amount of toxicity you have been subjected to by ur exBPD that might affect your behavior temporarily. do not judge your attitude or behavior after such a traumatic event (breaking up with BPD) yes a lot of people here have issues or traits of different things. after my therapist told me that i am healthy and "within norms". i was very skeptical and asked him even if i am within normal dont you see any tendencies towards any abnormal issue or trait or disorder. he smiled and said "you now want to optimize everything to the exact middle of the spectrum, you will get a flat audio equalizer, do you like the flat equalizer sound ? it will be boring." i also lost a job that would have change my location and life expectations. i live in a screwed country and was not looking only for a job but for a new life. i am three months out of the r\s now and one week ago i got the news of work visa refusal. in normal life phase this is already too depressive to deal with, imagine that fresh after a BPD break up. we are already struck to wake up by these r\s. its a revelation to new lives. it takes time to process this. be patient and kind with yourself. dont be hard on yourself please. i asked my therapist that she made me feel that i am BPD and he informed me about introjection.




ntrojection is a psychoanalytical term with a variety of meanings. Generally, it is regarded as the process where the subject replicates in itself behaviors, attributes or other fragments of the surrounding world, especially of other subjects. Cognate concepts are identification, incorporation,[1] and internalization. To use a simple example, a person who picks up traits from their friends (e.g., a person who begins frequently exclaiming "Ridiculous!" as a result of hearing a friend of theirs repeatedly doing the same) is introjecting.

Projection has been described as an early phase of introjection.[2]www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Introjection

[antjs]

Relational mechanisms[edit]

In Freudian terms, introjection is the aspect of the ego's system of relational mechanisms which handles checks and balances from a perspective external to what one normally considers 'oneself', infolding these inputs into the internal world of the self-definitions, where they can be weighed and balanced against one's various senses of externality. For example:

"When a child envelops representational images of his absent parents into himself, simultaneously fusing them with his own personality."

"Individuals with weak ego boundaries are more prone to use introjection as a defense mechanism."

According to D. W. Winnicott "projection and introjection mechanisms... . let the other person be the manager sometimes, and to hand over omnipotence."[4]

[Ceruleanblue]

Yeah, I've thought I was going crazy at times living with uBPDh. I've done things totally out of character, because I'm stressed almost past the breaking point.

It helped me to read the chapter, about how living with/being involved with someone with BPD can effect the behaviors of person dealing with them. I had soo many of the traits. I questioned myself(due to his constant blame and gaslighting), and my sanity.

His rages and unpredictability really amplifies my OCD, and I'm working on letting things go more, and only focusing on ME, because I can only change me. I don't have anger issues, but anyone living under constant blame, and with someone who rages will themselves get angry sometimes. Of course he has a heyday with that. I'm not even allowed justified anger, and how do you just never get angry, especially when living with someone who lies, rages, and blames you for all?

I think if you can SEE your own faults, you are likely not Borderline. Some of them are self aware, but I'd bet most are not. And I bet they ones that are more self aware, are at least on the path to seeing it is not always the other person's fault, or I bet they can sometimes accept responsibility. YOU are clearly owning your issues. Cut yourself some slack, and take the time to work through your own issues as you accept what you went through.

[Blimblam]

artisan,

for myself I still havn't ruled out that I may be Borderline, Some type of narc, or something.

Theres got to be something wrong with me to have let someone destroy me like that.

[Lucky Jim]

I don't have anger issues, but anyone living under constant blame, and with someone who rages will themselves get angry sometimes.

Agree w/you Cerulean.  I'm the most easy-going guy in the world, but my BPDxW would goad and provoke me until she got the reaction she desired -- anger -- so that she could blame me for her own anger.  She acted like a bully on a playground.

LuckyJim

[sweetheart]

... . because Artisan I know when I read your post that my dBPDh could never lay himself bare through soul searching and reality checking in the way that you have. The end of our marriage if it happens will not motivate him to analyse who he is in relation to another, nor would he be able to accept responsibility and blame for his part in the chaos like you have.

When I read you laid out on the page before me you sound real and substantial and honest. What you have been through is crazy making, and when you broke NC you touched base with some more of that crazy, so stay away and give yourself as long as it takes to heal.

[Alex86]

I have been thinking this question for a while now. I think after all this mirroring and projection we have "borrowed" some of the pwBPD's feelings. And this might also be explained:

www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_contagion

Emotional contagion is the tendency for two individuals to emotionally converge. One view developed by Elaine Hatfield et al. is that this can be done through automatic mimicry and synchronization of one's expressions, vocalizations, postures and movements with those of another person. When people unconsciously mimic their companions' expressions of emotion, they come to feel reflections of those companions' emotions.Emotions can be shared across individuals in many different ways both implicitly or explicitly. For instance, conscious reasoning, analysis and imagination have all been found to contribute to the phenomenon. Emotional contagion is important to personal relationships because it fosters emotional synchrony between individuals. A broader definition of the phenomenon was suggested by Schoenewolf: "a process in which a person or group influences the emotions or behavior of another person or group through the conscious or unconscious induction of emotion states and behavioral attitudes".